tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-86675465965703710382024-03-19T03:48:50.341-05:00Terrible Blog For Terrible PeopleA Terrible Movie Review BlogBig Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.comBlogger131125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-58746009140268275162023-12-31T13:22:00.001-06:002023-12-31T13:22:30.918-06:00My Beautiful Dark Cryptid Fantasy - Skunk Ape<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEcL7gDWo1HmVIo-90Xxwp164vs2wAeTaERU_1CTpde8tHVaQCaIMSoREMmJ-IIKZ-630o2djPTi0t6TfjlwMm5QJkDoH8iDtEATnZo1AAASINE5Wkovc7zdPL1XBiXnnTx3n-dapxjGWwAnW28e5begl-riv8BQTN0gUXAQT1Wz_0wwtzcCcza7b__Nc/s175/skunk%20ape%20header.jpeg"><img border="0" data-original-height="131" data-original-width="175" height="239" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiEcL7gDWo1HmVIo-90Xxwp164vs2wAeTaERU_1CTpde8tHVaQCaIMSoREMmJ-IIKZ-630o2djPTi0t6TfjlwMm5QJkDoH8iDtEATnZo1AAASINE5Wkovc7zdPL1XBiXnnTx3n-dapxjGWwAnW28e5begl-riv8BQTN0gUXAQT1Wz_0wwtzcCcza7b__Nc/w320-h239/skunk%20ape%20header.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Good evening, Creeps and Creepettes. Welcome to my haunted library of ghosts, goblins, and otherworldly critters. A world of frights and delights; of monsters, ghouls, and dolls that creep and crawl. I'm here to open my grimoire and tell you about urban legends, cryptids, folklore, mythology, and haunted curiosities hidden away in the <span data-highlight="yellow" style="background-color: white;"><a href="https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/the-warrens-occult-museum-monroe-connecticut" target="_blank">Warrens' Occult Museum</a></span>. Most importantly, I'm going to tell you which of them I could kill with my bare hands.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Today's case is a hairy, smelly creature that dwells deep in the Florida Everglades. And folks, I almost married her.</span></div><div><span><a name='more'></a></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">We are discussing the most nefarious cryptid south of the Mighty Mississippi. A monster known colloquially as Bigfoot's cousin, except he's shorter and carries a foul odor. That's right gang, we are diving deep on the Skunk Ape, also known as Squatch's stinky little cousin, Florida Bigfoot, or "Hey lil guy, whatcha got down there?" </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">He's anywhere between 5-7 feet tall and smells like a hot shower fart. He's covered in reddish fur like an orangutan and harnesses the raw strength of other primates, but also a superior intellect that allows him to stay hidden for so long. While the name 'Skunk Ape' doesn't conjure the same kind of imagery as something like 'Loch Ness Monster' or 'Abominable Snowman,' 'Professional <i>Super Smash Bros</i> Player' doesn't look as good on t-shirts or bumper stickers, just on sex offender registries. </span></div><div><br /></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: x-large;">Lore</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Indigenous folklore tells of a foul-smelling giant hairy man called the Esti Capcaki. The Seminoles thought they were encountering a new species of animal in the wild, but unbeknownst to them they were just seeing an Italian for the first time. Settlers took this bit of folklore while they were taking their land, because they figured if they're manifesting destiny they might as well take their cryptids, too. And thus the legend of the Skunk Ape was born. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The Socially Awkward Ape Who Is Also Smelly has many sightings in the South, but a majority of them come from Florida. <a href="https://www.bfro.net/GDB/state_listing.asp?state=fl" target="_blank">It's actually quite popular there</a>. More people in Florida have seen this smelly smoll bean than have seen the Dolphins win a playoff game. Sightings were most common between the 1950s and the 1970s. Now, cryptid enthusiasts will tell you that this surge in sightings was was directly correlated to the interstate highway being built and the clearing out of swamp lands. While I am a believer in all monsters, I personally find it easier to believe that there just so happened to be a lot of tall, smelly dudes living Buttfuck, Florida in the 60's. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Among the many sightings were Richard Smith, a man who definitely wasn't drunk driving who slammed into what he thought was a tall man in dark clothes. The seven foot tall hairy creature stood up, roared, and charged at his car. Ole Dick Smith cheesed it away from the scene of the hit and run, as was the style at the time. Over the next couple of hours, multiple drivers reported seeing a "limping giant" walking along the highway before it disappeared into the brush. Police officers searched the swamp at dawn but neither they nor the helicopters could find anything.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">In 1997, a tour bus carrying thirty tourists stopped at a wooden bridge to observe a large creature standing behind the brush about seventy yards away. It was seven feet tall and covered head to toe with thick brown hair. The bus stayed put and everyone on board watched the Ape for fifteen minutes. Not a single god damned one of them took a picture. Not a one. And then...they just drove off. That was it. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The best piece of evidence (read: the only one that isn't someone saying "I swear to God I saw it and it smelled like shit, you hafta believe me") came in the year 2000. An anonymous woman in Sarasota County, Florida sent the police a letter with two photographs attached. The letter said that what appeared to be an escaped orangutan had been stealing apples from her porch for the past couple of nights. The following photograph was attached:</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4eVfDcKBL3-rLvpZ58oTVdyp6Q8b614wIVM6KM6aAxc9IkG1Kk-wUosZgx0oaRotNW_2NgzuaY5N_MZc4pxprVgsXWii6YTEzKLcg28i5MDDl4Tzaj_6XOZq4mDIxKF4jy8iFObSF-L-eZDW-2C7TuKWPxMa198ozhjkAvySc5p0tyJmQD0roHBj82k/s586/skunk%20ape.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="275" data-original-width="586" height="188" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis4eVfDcKBL3-rLvpZ58oTVdyp6Q8b614wIVM6KM6aAxc9IkG1Kk-wUosZgx0oaRotNW_2NgzuaY5N_MZc4pxprVgsXWii6YTEzKLcg28i5MDDl4Tzaj_6XOZq4mDIxKF4jy8iFObSF-L-eZDW-2C7TuKWPxMa198ozhjkAvySc5p0tyJmQD0roHBj82k/w400-h188/skunk%20ape.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div><br /><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Now that the initial shock of seeing that thing has passed, let's back up a couple of steps. Imagine yourself seeing what can only be described as one of Hell's messengers at your house multiple times and writing the sheriff a letter that says "this critter's been takin my granny smiths." This golem made out of hair and rage singles out your house among all others and your only thought is "deputy, what kind of pie am I supposed to make now?"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Absolutely fucking bananas. I know it's been overstated for a while now, but Floridians are a different breed. Imagine that thing was in your backyard plucking apples and you ran at it with a broom and told it to skedaddle. I don't know what's in the water down there, but it's gotta be stronger than moonshine. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: x-large;">Modern Day Sightings</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This might come as a surprise, but it turns out that as camera phones got better and better, sightings became fewer and farther between. Nature is so full of coincidences (but probably not Skunk Apes). Let's be fair: maybe the giant ape that has a reputation for being a disgusting, hairy, smelly, putrid, rotting, noxious, manlet doesn't want to be photographed. Good luck finding a picture of me from the last decade. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Cowards and nonbelievers will tell you that the sightings are all hoaxes and people are seeing escaped monkeys or mangy bears. My rebuttal to that idea is simple. That goes against everything I've ever believed in. If there isn't a bipedal ape man who smells like shit and farts wandering around Florida then what is the point of all of this? Why do we continue with this daily rat race if not for Him?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: x-large;">How Scared Would I Be?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">A level above horrified that doesn't exist in any language. All of the books lost in the Library of Alexandria combined couldn't fully grasp the unrelenting terror that would take full autonomy over my being. I can joke all day about it being only 5 feet tall, and smelling like shit, and being short, and smelly, and gross, and disgusting, and repulsive, and revolting...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">but seeing this thing emerge from the tall brush would scare me so bad that even my astral body would empty its bowels.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Fight or Flight</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">And yet...I'd sense a deep kinship with this hairy oaf, and would wish to protect him instead. If the Skunk Ape and I were to ever share a chance encounter, I would blush and smile nervously. After all, who am I but a hairy oaf who smells of swamp water? He would see me baring my teeth and take it as a sign of aggression and disembowel me. It would take authorities a week to recover every piece of me. Every piece except my heart, which now belongs to Him. </span></div><div><b><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></b></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">How Would I Kill It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I don't have the physical wherewithal to do combat with him, nor do I have the smarts to outwit such an elusive creature. But while this little stinker was loafing around the Everglades and scratching his ass in front of tourists, I was studying the blade. I will approach him, assume a defensive stance, anticipate his attack, and get peeled like a fucking banana. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Would I Fuck It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Look here buddy, if I wanted to fuck a sub-6 foot tall moron that stinks like a crusty 'batin sock left in a hot car, I'd just clone myself.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Could I Fuck It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">If I was sneaky enough, spent enough time scouting it and its sleeping patterns, I could maybe juuuuuuust barely squeeze in a couple pumps before it woke up and launched me out of frame like I just tried to facetank a Falcon Punch. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">But you know what? Still counts. I would take a step further than any man has gone before. They would build a statue of me in Florida and put it right next to one of Aaron Hernandez.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Final Verdict</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">While he may not be as popular as his cousin or Mothman or any of the S tier cryptids, the fact that he's notorious for smelling like hot dog water elevates him in my eyes. </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">He's no squatch, but he's still a formidable foe. He would emerge from the tall grass like a wild Pokemon, grab me by the legs, and rip me in half like he was eating string cheese. Who wants to be famous when you could be </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">in</i><span style="font-family: verdana;">famous, or better yet, be immortalized as the guy who sort of fucked a Bigfoot and then got peeled like an orange? You can't buy better publicity than that. </span><span style="font-family: verdana;">And hey, at least I wouldn't be alive in Florida anymore.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-30769393964617246102023-08-19T14:55:00.000-05:002023-08-19T14:55:28.729-05:00Tubi Trash: Shark Side of the Moon<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"> <br /></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLaUYROe807EHQZ-uLYonMgxv4wrSIvdA62JtBOWuFxtsqXTrj8MOiEc73ma3RjsZ7hbKZVoOWI0ZGX5cBuxEE2QQUbd8PW6sIxwcVeRDrA71GarWIyh4S01VXdUxRM7y3UnLaCZq9NPZi3ENBOU87lu-xb2fo_6H3zkEJQ0gA5KrNHhUlEEt_RXSogC4/s1500/shark%20side%20of%20the%20moon%20poster.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLaUYROe807EHQZ-uLYonMgxv4wrSIvdA62JtBOWuFxtsqXTrj8MOiEc73ma3RjsZ7hbKZVoOWI0ZGX5cBuxEE2QQUbd8PW6sIxwcVeRDrA71GarWIyh4S01VXdUxRM7y3UnLaCZq9NPZi3ENBOU87lu-xb2fo_6H3zkEJQ0gA5KrNHhUlEEt_RXSogC4/s320/shark%20side%20of%20the%20moon%20poster.jpeg" width="213" /></a></span></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><p></p><div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="0 0 []"><i style="font-family: verdana;">Shark Side of the Moon </i><span style="font-family: verdana;">is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum. It is of upmost importance to let the gravity of that sentence marinate before you continue reading. A Tubi Original. From The Asylum. There hasn't been a more devastating pairing in entertainment since the Dudley Boyz.</span></div><div><span><a name='more'></a></span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Is <i>Shark Side of the Moon </i>a good movie? Of course not. But it does what so many movies with similarly silly titles fail to do: it delivers on its premise. It promises you a movie about sharks on the moon and the movie opens with shark monsters being launched onto the moon. Say what you will, but I've had the rug pulled out from under me by countless clickbait titles. It's nice to watch a shitty movie on purpose and not feel like I was tricked into it. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">There are so many things to discuss when reviewing a movie. The plot, the acting, the script, the cinematography, the setting, the sound design. Those are cool and all, but have you ever seen this before?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPEic3MM6wwBAGu9u1XELNPW_XPsq2uM9wdxRes_xjekO2HQeeMhfP570mahaO2nCw_tkEIkavENttOIzgnyMJw0uHU1VxrhJk9Lm4Nznf6nWels3zPWGcfQKYkNI9W-z2gwKa3jHiTZ4K6RC_fEmbniZ2VmcXhN2aNWZtaBuPnjt_7igA_miyNNvcmac/s1255/Shark%20Side%20of%20the%20Moon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="540" data-original-width="1255" height="173" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhPEic3MM6wwBAGu9u1XELNPW_XPsq2uM9wdxRes_xjekO2HQeeMhfP570mahaO2nCw_tkEIkavENttOIzgnyMJw0uHU1VxrhJk9Lm4Nznf6nWels3zPWGcfQKYkNI9W-z2gwKa3jHiTZ4K6RC_fEmbniZ2VmcXhN2aNWZtaBuPnjt_7igA_miyNNvcmac/w400-h173/Shark%20Side%20of%20the%20Moon.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The movie, nay, the </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">film</i><span style="font-family: verdana;"> opens with hybrid super soldier sharks breaking free from a Russian laboratory and going on a rampage. They did not take kindly to being experiment upon and communicate their dissatisfaction by punching scientists in half. They're basically Shark Mewtwos, but I'm getting ahead of myself. One heroic Ruskie sacrifices himself to save the world by luring them onto a rocket and launching it to The Moon. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">While on the moon, the sharks create an advanced society and plot to return to Earth and take over. For all intents and purposes, it's a colony of Shark Rita Repulsas. They're stuck on The Moon with plans to conquer Earth, but boy are they gonna be surprised when they learn about nukes. Almost as surprised as I was when they started speaking in Russian. Now I know what you're asking yourself: how did they learn to talk? Let me answer your question with another question, Einstein: did you know the lady sharks have tits?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5EXnL3r_WGGJU0B-eRQUigJbP7dLkYY3HK0W3pVdnpvruz0bwzIa0hpVxqkCjDCSKQrtmWJcq_s20LjZBjKzmA0eYh5-41XgpaUBonnpdshzd-MZf3bYUKcIL8eflEDtQLUrkWdwvQyHs4b-60bxyo--kb-NqoZ8-9A_We3hL15S8x8_KR6DCiyH7Jaw/s1277/Lady%20Shark%20on%20the%20Moon.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="535" data-original-width="1277" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi5EXnL3r_WGGJU0B-eRQUigJbP7dLkYY3HK0W3pVdnpvruz0bwzIa0hpVxqkCjDCSKQrtmWJcq_s20LjZBjKzmA0eYh5-41XgpaUBonnpdshzd-MZf3bYUKcIL8eflEDtQLUrkWdwvQyHs4b-60bxyo--kb-NqoZ8-9A_We3hL15S8x8_KR6DCiyH7Jaw/w400-h168/Lady%20Shark%20on%20the%20Moon.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A Tubi Original. Brought to you by The Asylum.</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The movie is chock full of these heinous monsters, these dead-eyed aquatic beasts whose very existence defies God. Big beefy shark men with washboard abs and 24 inch pythons, brother. Stacked sharkettes with bangin Double D's: Deep-sea Devastation. And don't even get me started on THE BIG ONE.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifMZArh5hPLzJnTwOjrtCdXfNT_spsXKN_wXElaJsPPcrD17pkDijQAHZ1K1_WinIAJDdFcRoj8t7k2JW_LDRagIuBLPA00CdmOsdW1iyurFGDSEg7BrJsUBhu1B-yIeiO4QyARPg-4TVGUJZJJaR2Kw5OYQ5_3ScwnTHRHp84DW8PjRJGWFO4dBxoNM8/s1244/the%20big%20one.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="532" data-original-width="1244" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifMZArh5hPLzJnTwOjrtCdXfNT_spsXKN_wXElaJsPPcrD17pkDijQAHZ1K1_WinIAJDdFcRoj8t7k2JW_LDRagIuBLPA00CdmOsdW1iyurFGDSEg7BrJsUBhu1B-yIeiO4QyARPg-4TVGUJZJJaR2Kw5OYQ5_3ScwnTHRHp84DW8PjRJGWFO4dBxoNM8/w400-h171/the%20big%20one.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I should call her</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm not gonna punch down on the acting in an Asylum movie. You know exactly what this is, and there's no point in making fun of these people. If you’re watching this movie you already know what you’re in for. These people are trying to get a foot in the door in the entertainment industry with the smallest amount of mandatory weird sex stuff. All they’ll have to show from it is a 20 second clip on their reel of them swinging a harpoon at .25x speed so that the sharks can be super imposed in afterwards. I don't begrudge them or their performances at all because if someone called me today and told me they'd pay me 50 bucks to get killed in </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">Ghost Shark 3, </i><span style="font-family: verdana;">I would quit my job with no notice and fly across the country to do so. This resume isn't gonna build itself.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">While <i>Shark Side of the Moon </i>does deliver on its premise, it falls into the same trap of every other Asylum movie: it would be way better if it was 15 minutes long. It starts strong and has unbearably stupid ending. No complaints there, That's exactly what you want from this type of schlock. Unfortunately there are 70 soul sucking minutes between those two points that will triple dog dare you not to look at your phone instead of paying attention. A lot of these movies are made with enthusiasm for the initial idea, the kind of movie that's greenlit with nothing but a title and a tagline. That same enthusiasm fades for both filmmaker and viewer alike when the realization sets in on just how long 90 minutes is. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Shark Side of the Moon</i> is probably the best scenario for an Asylum movie, so if you're into this garbage (and I know you are) then it's definitely worth a watch. If you're one of the people who left a review saying shit like "it says it's on the dark side of The Moon but there's plenty of light???" please don't watch it and also go fuck yourself. This is the closest I've ever gotten to a <i>Street Sharks </i>movie and I can only hope one day technology takes us far enough to give us Shark Men wearing jeans. Until then, this will have to suffice. A gentleman's one and a half star, don't miss it. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SfTP_ZH7csfm64b-nQZNBi3FELb8jSgQW5SdJvgO5I5aBWFTCQGC1QX30HQsq-F2J910wdSlGwPZSL9C18bQUn1zPVfcMnV543zUcphDorPc80TkR9tDcxT2xrgB3GT4QWVjwm3tdX9xotnO9KvaZ4G1tcFd7zKe2Om8M2A2fDDDE5Q1NNQPVOn4Szo/s1268/moon%20shark%20fight.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="This is what my dad thinks The Mandalorian is" border="0" data-original-height="529" data-original-width="1268" height="168" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9SfTP_ZH7csfm64b-nQZNBi3FELb8jSgQW5SdJvgO5I5aBWFTCQGC1QX30HQsq-F2J910wdSlGwPZSL9C18bQUn1zPVfcMnV543zUcphDorPc80TkR9tDcxT2xrgB3GT4QWVjwm3tdX9xotnO9KvaZ4G1tcFd7zKe2Om8M2A2fDDDE5Q1NNQPVOn4Szo/w400-h168/moon%20shark%20fight.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">This <i>Aquabats </i>music video is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum</td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div>Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-57692325973922059892023-04-08T17:06:00.001-05:002023-04-08T17:06:57.069-05:00Judged By its Cover: Dolly Dearest (1991)<div data-en-clipboard="true" data-pm-slice="0 0 []"><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's Friday night in the 90's. Your mom says you can rent one movie and one game. You've paced the dusty aisles in the overlit video store for close to an hour. You already know you're renting </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">The Mask </i><span style="font-family: verdana;">(again) and </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">Banjo-Kazooie </i><span style="font-family: verdana;">(again), but looking at all of the washed out covers makes you wonder...What if there is a movie here that will permanently alter your brain chemistry? You muster the courage to walk into the horror section and, unbeknownst to you, you form a core memory when you set your eyes upon her. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lm-rQkmDM75bxjerowp_BAfbI21ternW9_Qo2dMPFiyjeDncm8JRHWkOFzWVMG4Z2Jf-geMAy-ZLWNt-wLcEF4uPvbLJ_7XDEnL_697w28DK_xgnLD70LGAkHAmxz-1KFgXgullC3gG0Vc5EXneO-4la5BPSR_kg_1RqeD63izTwlSDsjToqu3cO/s1500/dolly%20dearest%20themoviedb.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4lm-rQkmDM75bxjerowp_BAfbI21ternW9_Qo2dMPFiyjeDncm8JRHWkOFzWVMG4Z2Jf-geMAy-ZLWNt-wLcEF4uPvbLJ_7XDEnL_697w28DK_xgnLD70LGAkHAmxz-1KFgXgullC3gG0Vc5EXneO-4la5BPSR_kg_1RqeD63izTwlSDsjToqu3cO/w266-h400/dolly%20dearest%20themoviedb.jpeg" width="266" /></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><p>Your eyes lock with hers and you freeze in place like you've been enraptured by Medusa. You chicken out of renting it for the same reason you wouldn't go to the library and check out the fucking Necronomicon. But it stays with you for a couple of years. As you grow older you forget about it and that god forsaken doll doesn't keep you up at night anymore. But Dolly never left. She has been lying dormant in your noggin, waiting for you to rediscover her. The question replays in your mind: if you rented this, would it live up to the cover art that haunted you all those years ago? Is there anything in the movie scarier than your own imagination?</p></span><p></p><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Much like <i>Star Wars</i>, <i>Dolly Dearest </i>is never really gone. Also it kinda sucks. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><hr /><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Dolly Dearest </i>begins with your standard early 90's American nuclear family who are on their way to their new home. Daddy Dearest has purchased a doll factory sight unseen and he's relocating Wifey Dearest, Sonny Dearest, and Daughter Dearest to Mexico so he can put Pickles Toys on the map. Dad is a brilliant toy maker who is forcing his children to leave their friends behind so they can live next to an abandoned mineshaft in Tijuana. His wife is "A Mother." That's her character. They have two annoying kids. Their son is your typical nerdlinger know-it-all bookworm who is just begging to get crammed into a locker and their daughter is a weird little freak who is obsessed with Dolly. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">These lovable losers are on their way to Mexico but, unbeknownst to them, the doll factory just so happens to be right next to a Mayan tomb. If that wasn't bad enough, an archaeologist has unleashed an ancient malevolent spirit from its prison. The malicious spirit escapes its grave and inserts itself into a doll at the abandoned nightmare factory. That is one of the dumbest things I've ever typed and yet it's only slightly dumber than Chucky's origin.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">We need to talk about Dolly</span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">It doesn't take long for the possessed demon doll to make its way into the family's lives. The daughter, who dresses like a living doll before the plane lands in Mexico, becomes infatuated with the doll the moment she lays eyes on it. She takes it home, names it Dolly, and becomes hopelessly attached to it. It is astounding how quickly the daughter becomes Dolly-pilled. She's not even the one possessed but she acts bugnuts crazy within five minutes of meeting the doll. She spends the entire movie doing three things: talking to Dolly, terrorizing the Mexican maid for wearing a rosary, and doing the bit from <i>The Omen</i> where she has a meltdown whenever they drive past a church. She clearly resents her family for uprooting her entire life so dad can sell cheaply made dolls instead of getting a real job, so she attaches herself to Dolly and becomes an absolute menace. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNvdZ47UgE5lgpCmyNKJ-q4gMbw0ttl2lZvQQcM1MmxGpXXdNNKHwtKsnnizcPXHQ2VyGnbq2kI9wHqJjykUJburVyHukrEcmpDfc3Qaaf0BNOxYxlx-2Iyhg_ewcmahT5IxFrH_90cyI_9CjzCFqIDVXyI_kilKZgbcsHjFuFBbcRu3UhDCoO_ic/s1038/dolly.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="655" data-original-width="1038" height="202" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigNvdZ47UgE5lgpCmyNKJ-q4gMbw0ttl2lZvQQcM1MmxGpXXdNNKHwtKsnnizcPXHQ2VyGnbq2kI9wHqJjykUJburVyHukrEcmpDfc3Qaaf0BNOxYxlx-2Iyhg_ewcmahT5IxFrH_90cyI_9CjzCFqIDVXyI_kilKZgbcsHjFuFBbcRu3UhDCoO_ic/s320/dolly.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana; text-align: left;">And with a face like this, how could you not become entranced? It's like looking into Kaa's hypnotizing gaze.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Truly disgusting stuff. Not only is Dolly hideous, it doesn't have a funny voice or personality. There's no Brad Dourif here (which is shocking if you check his resume), no presence of any kind. Just an over-modulated evil voiceover that could have been taken straight from <i>Pinnochio's Revenge</i>. I'll tell you what it does have, which is a little person body double wearing a dress. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>Dolly Dearest </i>was made for approximately 45 dollars, you think they were gonna shell out the money for a full body animatronic? Let me tell you something Boys and Ghouls, every time it cut from the doll grimacing to a little person in a dress skedaddling away, I absolutely die. That alone gets it an extra star, bringing it up to a solid half a star. It ain't <i>Citizen Kane </i>but it's cracking me up. When you're scouring the horror section at Blockbuster you're just looking for a good time. So as of now we have a movie about a killer doll, we've established that it can walk about on its own, and now it's time to start dropping bodies. The family is in trouble, so one man must answer the call to vanquish the evil spirit.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMtmwPGPi72wMBPe063kaAAmPtIS3PXd-EEwkzRHnaTqOtwtuMkyTVSjgSfMbdFU1zQEDYr9AGPBFR7CA87RuvB1G0ykAmTPhIef-3CVVTQCTMC89ZczRenVz81Fu61z78rJSIAQQPvuRgG08Sg7F6wlfunNYcVnqLrtOCJE6KRtij4aXyX8U_jcr/s738/dolly%20dearest%20rip%20torn.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="695" data-original-width="738" height="301" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipMtmwPGPi72wMBPe063kaAAmPtIS3PXd-EEwkzRHnaTqOtwtuMkyTVSjgSfMbdFU1zQEDYr9AGPBFR7CA87RuvB1G0ykAmTPhIef-3CVVTQCTMC89ZczRenVz81Fu61z78rJSIAQQPvuRgG08Sg7F6wlfunNYcVnqLrtOCJE6KRtij4aXyX8U_jcr/s320/dolly%20dearest%20rip%20torn.png" width="320" /></a></div><p></p><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">There are few people in this world I would trust with my ghost problems more than Rip Torn. For some of my younger readers, you might recognize him either as Patches O'Houlihan in </span><i style="font-family: verdana;">Dodgeball </i><span style="font-family: verdana;">or from getting so drunk that he broke into a bank and passed out because he thought it was his house.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I am fully convinced that Rip had no idea he was in this movie at any point during or after filming it. If you had asked him about being in a doll movie he would have spit in your face and called you slurs you've never even heard of. He would've called you a Venusian beggar and tried to fist fight you, God rest his soul.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I don't wish to speak ill of the dead or make any sort of inferences on any particular demons he may have been battling at the time (whether they be alcohol or doll related), but Rip Torn is a sentient Irish Car Bomb in <i>Dolly Dearest</i>. He effortlessly switches between his normal American accent, British, and Scottish on a scene by scene basis. The problem is he's playing a Mexican. This was filmed on location in Mexico, meaning someone paid him to pound margaritas in a cabana all day until it was time to saunter into an abandoned mine and say "hon hon hon your child eez in danjer" and then retreat to the hotel (bar). He was playing chess while everyone else in the film played checkers.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm not saying this movie is worth watching solely to hear this Tequila Golem say "Sanzian Devil Child" over and over again, but there are worse things you can waste your time watching on Youtube. God bless this man, the director shook the cobwebs off him, took the bottle out of his hand, and had him explain to the costar of <i>Pet Sematary</i> that Sanzia means "Satan on Earth" and that her stupid kid's doll is host to its spirit. The juxtaposition of the family fighting off a killer doll possessed by devil spirits with Rip Torn digging up an infant body skeleton with a goat head on it is so funny that it almost makes the whole experience worth it. Almost. You see, there's just one problem with the rest of the movie: </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">There are only two fucking kills</span></b></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">That should be a sticker on the front of the VHS box. Dolly kills 2 people, 3 if you count the demon spirit breaking out of the tomb at the beginning of the movie. AND I DON'T. If Dead Meat made a kill count video about this movie and included that, I would send them anthrax in the mail.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Here's what you have to look forward to. Kill The First: The family has a Mexican housekeeper and she...well...I think you can guess where this is going. She is only in the movie so she can take one look at the doll and clutch her rosary, scream "<b><span face="Roboto, Helvetica, sans-serif"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><span style="color: #767676;">¡Dios mío!</span></span></span></b>", try to pray the evil spirit out of it, and then die hilariously. A jump scare sends her flying down the stairs and she gets stabbed in the shoulder and then electrocuted. You're probably asking yourself "how does she get electrocuted in a basement?" but ask yourself this: do I really care? I guarantee it's not as gruesome nor as funny as you're imagining. If you want to check for yourself, just skip to THIRTY THREE GOD FORSAKEN MINUTES into the movie. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Nothing else happens for another half an hour and then wouldn't you know it, a Mexican employee wanders around the spooky factory at night. We get an honest to god cat jumping out of the shadows fakeout jump scare, followed by Dolly jamming his hand into a sewing machine and he dies of a heart attack.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Absolutely go fuck yourself. That is half a kill at best and I DEMAND retribution for my time. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">To recap: An old man clutches his aching ticker and keels over after Rita Repulsa escapes her Guadalajaran dumpster (which, I repeat, does NOT count), a housekeeper gets electrocuted in a basement straight out of a William Castle haunted house movie, and a drunk gets so scared of fine needlework that he has a heart attack. Two thumbs down.</span></div><div><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRaXL1e8XgN2Wa8pDDLAbUq0S9kxZGp0wHuiNGq_-cKpl90jemsjFezW1pmBh7fiJWtO9RrUpBn15tI0M_2_yAWwdr3mEGtMU-4LoLA5LOONnSTlJKx2bQaFRnZwaSco5JoeuoXr2NszUqo7411bGgzKt0QfzJvwHS6PLS6djGU9oWJ8Jy6kBVFhYz/s1254/dolly%20dearest%20nerdlington.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="690" data-original-width="1254" height="176" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhRaXL1e8XgN2Wa8pDDLAbUq0S9kxZGp0wHuiNGq_-cKpl90jemsjFezW1pmBh7fiJWtO9RrUpBn15tI0M_2_yAWwdr3mEGtMU-4LoLA5LOONnSTlJKx2bQaFRnZwaSco5JoeuoXr2NszUqo7411bGgzKt0QfzJvwHS6PLS6djGU9oWJ8Jy6kBVFhYz/s320/dolly%20dearest%20nerdlington.png" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana; text-align: left;">This little Mandark and his entire shitty family survive and the only 2 fatalities are Mexican. Probably a coincidence.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">We are left asking ourselves the same questions: if I rented this, would it live up to the box art? Is there anything in this movie scarier than my own imagination? If I worked up the courage to pick up a copy of <i>Dolly Dearest</i>, walked halfway across the store, made eye contact with the lady behind the counter, got nervous and made my mom check it out for me, would the movie live up to my expectations?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><b>Nope!</b></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">None of the above. Not even close. It has a lot of nerve being 90 minutes, that's for god damn sure. I was patient for a while, because right as the first act ends the movie stops playing around with the idea of whether or not the doll is real. It is real and it is evil and it is going to do murders. All of the pieces are in place for the next hour to be filled with a malevolent demon doll stacking bodies. And then we get TWO. 2 kills in a 90 minute slasher is an absolute no go from me, and if both of your actual factual kills are preceded by jump scares, go to the locker room and don't come back out. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I'm sure the doll itself would have scared the shit out of me as a kid because I was a humongous coward, but the cover art is scary enough and doesn't take an hour and a half to look at. There is nothing in this movie that is scarier than being a child and staring this picture down.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCDSN0lIlny1-hcLzp4XMDpSH7pokUHOFpzs5ybL7HFG0_G9U_afGA1rjUkDR7MsRTOMU-RbdYU_XG3-5-SrbQh1baysaOxvOX0_LyljQH1qzp5j3aIVEg1Y1uLQJMkWF_Ec7LFqIQ3uLp5z-pjkZgCqLHtbrY2iE-24IaZGZJ-8oEpE1iAg59OjU-/s514/dolly%20daerest%20closeup.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="446" data-original-width="514" height="278" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgCDSN0lIlny1-hcLzp4XMDpSH7pokUHOFpzs5ybL7HFG0_G9U_afGA1rjUkDR7MsRTOMU-RbdYU_XG3-5-SrbQh1baysaOxvOX0_LyljQH1qzp5j3aIVEg1Y1uLQJMkWF_Ec7LFqIQ3uLp5z-pjkZgCqLHtbrY2iE-24IaZGZJ-8oEpE1iAg59OjU-/s320/dolly%20daerest%20closeup.png" width="320" /></a></div><div></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Even as a kid, I could take a look at that thing and imagine something way scarier than a part time doll factory worker getting his hand sewn up. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This is a slam dunk premise and there should have been a new <i>Dolly Dearest </i>on Blockbuster shelves every year for a decade. By 1991 there were 3 <i>Child's Play</i> movies and 3 <i>Puppet Masters</i>. As of the end of 2022 there are 8 movies and 2 seasons of <i>Child's Play </i>and FOURTEEN <i>Puppet Masters</i>. Those are real numbers. Haunted dolls have been a thing forever. This is a fumbling of a surefire moneymaker on a nearly incalculable scale, which ironically enough is what all of the actors were paid. Limitless possibilities with nothing to show for it. You could make a scarier doll movie than this by accident.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div>Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-43250655094146314932022-10-14T11:50:00.001-05:002023-03-25T23:40:13.896-05:00Robert the Doll - The Hundred Year Old Haunted Doll<p><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></p><div class="separator"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihImu4GfKn0s0N174lHLMKHfemmESdJ0RFzNV89cswg8TIgHy0Hkm1xOBWT5uaaR9b0ksXNcTJ2JOikOLOllwJ0woo9P2EuzBXV_qseRf_kOFboa1-oLs61yfJ5Uo2ihAlzJq4KVEhMJsyfrx0XpUI8zI5HXrMsVtliXHjzjSPmGKL3oGafl6sco8n/s1024/robert%20-%20susan%20smith%20flickr.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="1024" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihImu4GfKn0s0N174lHLMKHfemmESdJ0RFzNV89cswg8TIgHy0Hkm1xOBWT5uaaR9b0ksXNcTJ2JOikOLOllwJ0woo9P2EuzBXV_qseRf_kOFboa1-oLs61yfJ5Uo2ihAlzJq4KVEhMJsyfrx0XpUI8zI5HXrMsVtliXHjzjSPmGKL3oGafl6sco8n/w400-h266/robert%20-%20susan%20smith%20flickr.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Picture taken by <a href="https://www.flickr.com/photos/cellphonesusie/3406259520" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">Susan Smith</a></span></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: verdana;">Good evening, Creeps and Creepettes. Welcome to my haunted library of ghosts, goblins, and squatches. A world of frights and delights; of monsters, ghouls, and dolls that creep and crawl. I'm here to open my grimoire and tell you about urban legends, cryptids, folklore, mythology, and haunted curiosities hidden away in the <a href="https://www.atlasobscura.com/places/the-warrens-occult-museum-monroe-connecticut" target="_blank">Warren's Occult Museum</a>. Most importantly, I'm going to tell you which of them I could kill with my bare hands. </span><p></p><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Today's case is Robert the Doll, one of the original 'Haunted Doll' cases in America. Robert is an absolute menace, a straw-filled scoundrel that brings disaster and misfortune to anyone who disrespects him. Nowadays he can be found in a museum in Florida, and he'll stay there if he knows what's good for him.</span></div><span><a name='more'></a></span><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></b></h1><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Lore</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">There are two generally accepted origins for Robert: one is the truth and the other is a (way more exciting) piece of absolute hogwash. Hogwash or not, it is my solemn pledge to you to never let the truth get in the way of a good post.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><i><span style="font-family: verdana;">The Urban Legend:</span></i></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Tales have been told around the campfire of the Otto family. Thomas Otto, his wife, their son Robert, and...their servants moved to Key West, Florida in the late 1800s. It's cool, it was a different time. That's why it was also acceptable for them to treat their servants like garbage. This stupid doll had more rights than all of the maids combined. One particular servant (who was never named because she didn't exist) was hired with the sole purpose of taking care of Robert. She was a woman of Haitian descent, which is a detail that is only given because she's a practitioner of, you guessed it, voodoo. One day Mama Otto caught said nameless servant practicing black magic and fired her. Before leaving, she gave Robert a doll with buttons for eyes and human hair and misfortune soon followed. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><i><span style="font-family: verdana;">What Really Happened:</span></i></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Robert's grandpa bought it as a birthday present. As funny as it is to imagine the maid from <i>Tom and Jerry </i>giving a child a haunted doll as revenge for her voodoo-related pink slip, the reality is The Eldest Otto Octavius came back from Germany with a doll he saw in the window. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><span style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><a href="https://twitter.com/Robertthedoll" target="_blank"><span style="font-size: xx-small;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4096" data-original-width="3457" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizdKaSia7sclLpk4qeZ9ZsQnqvsIZhGXQt5XsgTUDLnyuaRcCH5BUlvm1TGucyk8jPVqK2SrqlTF960sLw9SrSXTPHeob48tQ8aq__ppSbhgnBpJzawPynGo0ZG49hF477tUe4wLLsgQB_XbivoBtwpjOMJ4Rvx1YM_YB5phYRgxLOF2cW7CNxDQMa/s320/Robert%20from%20official%20twitter.jpeg" width="270" /></span></a></span></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: xx-small;"><a href="https://twitter.com/Robertthedoll" target="_blank">Square up you potato-faced bitch</a></span></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">He saw this straw-filled harbinger of hauntings and thought "I do say, my grandson would love this. Their new home is bereft of screams and I have just the thing." Robert receives his gift and loves it, which is an immediate red flag. If someone gifted me that thing <i>now </i>I would assume something sinister was afoot and stuff it in the fireplace. Robert names the doll Robert, which is another immediate red flag, and next thing you know Robert the Kid and Robert the Doll are inseparable. Robert the Kid foregoes his own name to the doll and chooses to go by Otto. This little freak was gifted an <i>Insidious </i>ghost and let it have his entire identity. That sailor suit you always see him in? That's not a cutesy little outfit that grandpa bought from the Annabelle toy store, it used to belong to <s>Robert</s> excuse me, <i>Otto</i>.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Rocket Boy talked to Robert all the time and took him absolutely everywhere with him, never letting him out of his sight. That means if you're one of his parents, you are never getting a break. You are a 7/11: 24 hours a day, 365 days a year you are listening to this dandy little rich lad have one sided conversations with a doll. This name-abandoning, sailor suit-wearing, never-worked-a-day-on-the-railroad, snot-nosed little runt prattles on and on with his Christ-defying soul coffin and mouth breathes as he waits for a response that will never come. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">He blamed various shenanigans on the doll, doing what kids do and getting into bouts of mischief and blaming it on someone else. "Robert broke that vase, Robert drank the rest of the milk, Robert spray painted '<a href="https://www.hiphollywood.com/2016/07/the-mysterious-case-of-an-old-white-man-and-his-black-rules-graffiti/" target="_blank">Blacks Rule</a>' on our neighbor's driveway." Typical kid behavior and not particularly indicative of a haunting, but they are strikes 1 and 2 on the way to a lobotomy. His parents agreed and shrugged it off for a while and saw it as mostly harmless. When I messed up as a kid and blamed it on one of my friends, my parents knew good and well I didn't have any, but it was easier to tell me to be more careful next time than it was to confront the wobbly psychological support systems I was constructing in my adolescence. And besides, if giving a doll your own name, talking to it at all hours of the night, and never letting it out of your sight is weird then my last name must be Yankovic.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">It was cute at first, but the shenanigans quickly escalated into tomfoolery. Strange noises would come from the doll when nobody else was around. Toys would be thrown around the house when nobody else was home. Robert's expression would change, glaring angrily at anyone who upset him or badmouthed his precious Otto. Then the tomfoolery became full-on hijinks. Otto's parents (Raymundo and Tito) would wake up to Rocket Boy screaming and crying and they'd run to his room to find all of the furniture overturned and Robert would be sitting at the foot of the bed looking like a menace. Enough was enough and Robert was locked in the attic. You would think this is the scary second act of this story, where the parents find the attic door slightly askew at night and go into Otto's room and he's sitting in a rocking chair brushing Robert's hair or something, but no. They would occasionally hear giggling and footsteps from above them, but they never let him back out. The doll was locked up there and Otto grew up and moved out and got married. All was said and done, until...</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">One day Dear Old Dad passes away and Otto inherits the house. Otto and his wife move into his childhood home and guess who is still hanging out in the attic? Otto once again became obsessed with Robert, taking him with him everywhere and bringing Robert's favorite chair from his childhood into the room Otto now shared with his wife. Look at him again. Look at his face</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3-IUBGKdl8xYtTLCVbxcqPaYSNX2KKSZbcn89x5tLfVVxwKeY7zYCoY0rRFxYB-pnEjhK-Qh-CmAn0NR3_2L_nt_DLgS-RMVU93XjXLDaOOdGUoVzvWSmPvrr8kjwOFFrGz2tBAA-XiQwUXto9Oj_i1QZJ3xeWMFfyx8OrLlb4tDETWtYTxZgMnoJ/s1600/robert%20-%20how%20stuff%20works.jpg" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg3-IUBGKdl8xYtTLCVbxcqPaYSNX2KKSZbcn89x5tLfVVxwKeY7zYCoY0rRFxYB-pnEjhK-Qh-CmAn0NR3_2L_nt_DLgS-RMVU93XjXLDaOOdGUoVzvWSmPvrr8kjwOFFrGz2tBAA-XiQwUXto9Oj_i1QZJ3xeWMFfyx8OrLlb4tDETWtYTxZgMnoJ/w400-h225/robert%20-%20how%20stuff%20works.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><blockquote style="border: none; margin: 0px 0px 0px 40px; padding: 0px;"><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: xx-small;">Pic from How Stuff Works</span></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></blockquote></td></tr></tbody></table><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ancient Hawaiians say "He who sleep with doll never get lei'd"</span></div></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Imagine that thing watching you consummate your marriage. Yeah, she wasn't a fan either, so back up into the attic he went. He wasn't stuffed in a box or hidden under a blanket, he was perched in front of a window to absolutely terrify neighborhood children, which is actually the first thing I've agreed with Otto on to this point. Incredible power move. On an unrelated note, Otto died in 1974 of "natural causes" and a woman named Myrtle Reuter bought the house. She took one look at Robert and banished him back to the attic, and afterwards she spent 20 years listening to giggling and footsteps coming from above her until 1994 when she threw her hands up, said "fuck this I can't take anymore" and donated him to the museum where he currently resides. Myrtle was a Saint, I've only had my cat for a couple of years but if she wakes me up before the Sun comes up one more time, I'm putting her in a bassinet and leaving her at a fire station.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Modern Day Sightings</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">If you're looking to hit this little shit with a furious barrage of Liu Kang bicycle kicks, look no further than Fort East Martello Museum in Key West, Florida. No Squatch hunting gear or ouija board necessary, just buy your ticket and let this malevolent little twerp know how you really feel. The only advice I have is to make sure you land a kill shot, because he can make your life a living hell. If you visit him it is important that you treat him with respect, and if you want to take a picture of him you must ask him for permission first. Otherwise he will put a curse on you until you apologize. Call him old fashioned, but he's a stickler for manners. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-e9x6dh5zTy8Fd867BtpFTrOo3RAEs-qvqC0xUF6OcUgeE4eATW2akq9j2VPqo6SL8no4djckbZi3VlJu_gc5B38qi20nEVLmVwNDAQf4FXYhxRlP0jLhyVU3Dt5JL5OKR8O3KFMHs1HO1STui4IRABTdvp2k4ykOslPV_HCVu6oH4VcdwKImTU-8/s1280/ozzy%20robert%20the%20doll.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="738" data-original-width="1280" height="231" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj-e9x6dh5zTy8Fd867BtpFTrOo3RAEs-qvqC0xUF6OcUgeE4eATW2akq9j2VPqo6SL8no4djckbZi3VlJu_gc5B38qi20nEVLmVwNDAQf4FXYhxRlP0jLhyVU3Dt5JL5OKR8O3KFMHs1HO1STui4IRABTdvp2k4ykOslPV_HCVu6oH4VcdwKImTU-8/w400-h231/ozzy%20robert%20the%20doll.png" width="400" /></a><br /><div><span style="font-family: verdana; font-size: x-small;">Pictured: Music legend Ozzy Osbourne apologizing to Robert for farting in his presence</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The museum receives letters every day asking Robert for forgiveness and apologizing for not showing him the respect he deserves. They also receive letters asking Robert to curse people, which is a power move and one I'm going to employ the next time my girlfriend won't fuck me because I insist on having my puppets watch us.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Tale of the Tape</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Robert's curses are very powerful if museum visitors are to be believed. Upsetting him has led to traffic jams, arrests, divorce, getting fired, broken bones. Things that happen to people every single day but definitely probably maybe happened because some tourist didn't get down on one knee and say "you win the Internet today good sir" to a doll. Outside of that? WoOoOoOo it scowls at you sometimes and can move around on its own, but only when it's dark and nobody is around. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Robert is 118 years young, 3 feet tall, and couldn't be more than 20 pounds soaking wet. I know all dolls from the early 1900s were made with pigskin, straw, and famine, but there's nothing stuffed into that sailor suit that I couldn't rip out with my bare hands. Meanwhile I'm a spry 32-going-on-67, 6 feet tall on certain apps, and while I'm heavier than I'd like to be, I've never been kicked off an airplane for being too fat. It's a complete mismatch for him and he absolutely doesn't stand a chance. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">How Scared Would I Be?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">If I came face to face with him I would show no fear. Fear is the mind killer, and I am the doll killer. Oh look everyone, the scary toy likes to be a sneaky little devil when the lights are out.<i> </i>Terrifying. You're real mischievous when nobody is looking, aren't you? Well look at me, Doll. Look at me getting up and walking around at any time of day. Walking right up to you and knocking that stupid stuffed dog out of your hands. Oh no, if I make him too mad he might make an angry face at me and then throw a bunch of toys around the room in a little temper tantrum. I've never seen this doll in my life and yet every day my life is a series of Mr. Magoo incidents; an ouroboros of mishaps and near-disasters. It's nothing I haven't seen before, you have no power over me.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Fight or Flight</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The choice is clear. His ki is abysmal and I would best him in combat without breaking a sweat. His curse wouldn't stand a chance against my fists. He's been on this planet for almost 120 years, I would turn his old bones to dust with one well timed knee strike to the chops. He would be on Snake Way before he had a chance to make a mess of my pots and pans.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">How Would I Kill It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Swiftly and with extreme prejudice. He's just a sailor boy, I said see ya later boy, and I'll get full mount and rain down hammerfists until there's nothing left but an empty suit and two little button eyes imprinted in my knuckles. What is dead can not truly die, but I can spend the rest of my life making sure it eats a knuckle sandwich 3 times a day.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Would I Fuck It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Much like in anime, although it appears to be a child, it's actually a hundred year old spirit so it's ok and you're actually the weird one for saying it isn't. Never say never, but when I decide to assert my dominance over a doll, it had better have bangin' double D's and a permanent "my wife's boyfriend bought me a Switch" face instead of looking like a Nike factory worker. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Could I Fuck It?</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Without question. All I have to do is create an elaborate ruse to sneak past the guards and I'm in. My only concern is that I hopefully don't end up in a <i>Night at the Museum </i>situation, but I'm confident that I can finish before Teddy Roosevelt stops me. I'm the only Rough Rider that Robert needs to worry about.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><h1 style="text-align: left;"><b><span style="font-family: verdana;">Final Verdict</span></b></h1><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Absolute bozo tier, a Yamcha level spook. I could body him physically, mentally, and sexually. This centennial sailor scout wouldn't last a minute in the pit with me. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9hrxkyGPzhmh7jAdwjynJ04qPjkPpNuPr_1-j_OcGQGp9ML2oe9j1ufs_iNO-OFeZ1kDt0E-yMrkYfSExjKkYp9iWyOY9khdxFWuAnsO221TBzDU4UXZ65zl1h5Jwra8UpxOwvfVIUIlGg8ey4LyS0Wsq-EM4VUS45zJVuhZWosYDG7u8oGUOq56o/s1024/robert%20-%20bozo.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="680" data-original-width="1024" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi9hrxkyGPzhmh7jAdwjynJ04qPjkPpNuPr_1-j_OcGQGp9ML2oe9j1ufs_iNO-OFeZ1kDt0E-yMrkYfSExjKkYp9iWyOY9khdxFWuAnsO221TBzDU4UXZ65zl1h5Jwra8UpxOwvfVIUIlGg8ey4LyS0Wsq-EM4VUS45zJVuhZWosYDG7u8oGUOq56o/w400-h266/robert%20-%20bozo.jpg" width="400" /></a></div><div><br /></div><div><br /></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The apology letter is already in the mail.</span></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><br />Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-19729815909118569282021-11-07T08:37:00.002-06:002021-11-07T08:37:34.939-06:00Metroid Prime 2: Echoes - A Retrospective Critique<p> </p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJUIKn5ORS2ATnaS9Sp9MGjeQseRRzwSUQa1NVxjhLyCzYZKpdXUnl8-u9tKDRnIrO8et8urLRklDER7T3Yvt4M-vuTQSV63sbQE3hBLj6Yq6kZekDwByz1hnJUd4t-TCvVkw4OgdvDXdK/s851/mp2e+cover+art.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="851" data-original-width="600" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJUIKn5ORS2ATnaS9Sp9MGjeQseRRzwSUQa1NVxjhLyCzYZKpdXUnl8-u9tKDRnIrO8et8urLRklDER7T3Yvt4M-vuTQSV63sbQE3hBLj6Yq6kZekDwByz1hnJUd4t-TCvVkw4OgdvDXdK/w453-h640/mp2e+cover+art.jpg" width="453" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Year of release: 2004<br />Developer: Retro Studios & Nintendo<br />Publisher: Nintendo<br /><br />The recent release of <i>Metroid Dread</i> on the Nintendo Switch has given me cause to replay (most of) the games in the Metroid series, a series that Nintendo hasn't known what to do with at times. <i>Super Metroid</i> was one of <u>The Great Video Games of Our Time</u>, but it didn't sell particularly well and the series was blessed with no more children. That was, of course, until Samus Aran, the series' lead character, was featured in <i>Super Smash Bros.</i>, which <i>did</i> sell well and led to a resurgence in the public's curiosity with the series; this would lead to <i>Metroid Prime</i>, another one of <u>The Great Games of Our Time</u> and the first iteration of the Metroid Prime trilogy (quadrology, if one includes <i>Metroid Prime: Hunters</i>, which I don't) (quintology, if one includes <i>Metroid Prime Pinball</i>, which I do). This trilogy (including the featured game in this retrospective piece) was very well-received, but there were dark times on the horizon. Cue a disastrous Team Ninja Project that completely missed the point of the series and a worthless handheld game that didn't even feature the lead character and it appeared as though the series had been abandoned in an oubliette. It took a passionate fan remake of the third-worst game in the series to get Nintendo to realize that people actually care about these games and that revisiting the series would be the worth the company's time (whereupon The Plumber promptly slapped the hands of the fan programmer away and pushed out a far less-interesting version to middling reviews).<br /><br />My journey through the series has led to occasionally surprising conclusions: I have newfound respect for the original <i>Metroid</i>, I no longer have the patience for <i>Metroid II: Samus Returns</i>, and I've found it to be worth owning a Nintendo Wii even if its only function is as a dedicated <i>Metroid Prime 3: Corruption</i> machine. I've also found <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> to be something of the middle child of the Metroid Prime trilogy; specifically, it's the Wakko Warner of the trilogy, often providing some of the best moments but never quite living up to the impact of its siblings.<br /><br /></div><a name='more'></a><br /><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5RYLgCucaNtUVU2Gt_fFj0u-FlZLzrLzSg5WDrkKYjdQ76Bj_hZAv3OUohT8lxSo7U3RqJ9ufxBkmF-AZ9pSgBW1EFjOZeeoYMJWjB1D5ocOweC9vHEJfbKLpdN-6ETWG2l_txz7SD7oz/s680/737.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="383" data-original-width="680" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj5RYLgCucaNtUVU2Gt_fFj0u-FlZLzrLzSg5WDrkKYjdQ76Bj_hZAv3OUohT8lxSo7U3RqJ9ufxBkmF-AZ9pSgBW1EFjOZeeoYMJWjB1D5ocOweC9vHEJfbKLpdN-6ETWG2l_txz7SD7oz/w400-h225/737.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Well, something like that anyhow.<br /></span><br /></td></tr></tbody></table>As the sequel to one of <u>The Great Games of Our Time</u>, <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> had some enormous space boots to fill. The first game in the trilogy worked largely because it operated as the ideal translation of the Metroid series into a three dimensional environment that kept the best parts of the franchise to that point while adding fresh new layers that would become series staples. Expecting the sequel to have the same impact on the series is asking far too much. Tempering expectations is the order of the day when it comes to playing this game. That being said, the standards set by <i>Metroid Prime</i> may have been high, but not insurmountable. I'm not going to judge <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> by the likes of <i>Super Metroid</i> or <i>Metroid Fusion</i>, but rather by the game that provides the most relevant context for comparison: its predecessor. The subtitles Echoes was chosen to recall the destruction Phazon brought in the first game (and remind players they have the Echo Visor, which is seldom used), so comparisons to Metroid Prime are not only apt but indeed compulsory.<br /><br />First, the story and setting. Upon eliminating Metroid Prime and the Space Pirate occupation of Tallon IV, space bounty hunter Samus Aran receives a distress beacon from the Galactic Federation; a space marine patrol ship located a Space Pirate vessel leaving a rogue space planet named Aether. The Space Pirates were carrying Phazon, a space mutagenic substance that led to the space disaster depicted in the first game. The federation has lost contact with the space marines and elects to dispatch Samus to Aether for a space investigation. Here, she discovers the space planet was originally inhabited by space creatures known as the Luminoth, who adored the light (TOO SUBTLE), yet were threatened by a space meteor that brought Phazon and a new set of space monsters called the Ing, which preferred the dark. Of space.<br /><br />If your eyes sorta glazed over while reading the preceding paragraph, I'd like to thank you for having the courtesy to power on through to this paragraph and provide my deepest sympathies; I got bored just by writing that thing. The previous game featured a deep story that not only directly dealt with the Space Pirates tampering with biological species beyond their control and the consequences attended thereto, but also with Samus' past and raison d'être. The implication was if she failed on Tallon IV, the Space Pirates would likely take control of the galaxy and bring genocide with them. If she fails on Aether, it'll be dark outside.<div><br />That seems a bit pithy, but it's not far off. Sure, the Luminoth will perish, but it's not as easy to care about them as it was to care about the Chozo in <i>Metroid Prime</i> - and the Chozo were already dead. This is partially because the Chozo and their stewardship of Tallon IV was richly characterized in both the flavor text, available in scan data, and in the architecture of the various environments Samus encountered. Tallon IV felt lived in, it felt precisely the way the designers intended it to feel - as though it was once, long ago, a place where a technologically advanced yet peaceful race lived in harmony with the indigenous flora and fauna - until <i>something happened. </i>That <i>something</i> is largely responsible for driving the player's investigation and exploration (alongside the Space Pirate invasion, masterfully woven into the narrative). On Aether, we're explicitly told before the game even begins what happened to the Luminoth, and their dedication to this planet isn't really examined. The environments aren't bad, and the art design is leaps and bounds better than most contemporary games, but I never pictured anyone doing anything on this planet other than looking for energy tanks like I was. There just didn't seem to be a personal connection to the Luminoth, and they're the ones asking for my help.<br /><br />Speaking of a lack of personal connection, Samus' backstory was revealed in <i>Metroid Prime</i> as a baby-in-the-basket raised by the Chozo. Their lore reveals her progression and destiny, and the hope they have for her. It's not much, but it's something that makes the player feel somewhat important. That isn't here in <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes; </i>the only mention she gets is by the Space Pirates going "oh Christ, not her again" and one deceased space marine who compares her to Bigfoot. Thanks a lot, Corporal Pile-o'-Bones.</div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1fpO016ff5pDLCA6MXIqY9jI4-CNXu3-vBP-zoxHV3Zabzegvc_6AQPqxiDKIzhFy0Y6XVwen1dyc6UfRc_Q2cUYKoQx7_y2vtKt-n5C3XEq6R5xLbYAvYwjzBe_mwYYZr95n05a8pGb0/s640/wild-men+%25282%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="333" data-original-width="640" height="334" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1fpO016ff5pDLCA6MXIqY9jI4-CNXu3-vBP-zoxHV3Zabzegvc_6AQPqxiDKIzhFy0Y6XVwen1dyc6UfRc_Q2cUYKoQx7_y2vtKt-n5C3XEq6R5xLbYAvYwjzBe_mwYYZr95n05a8pGb0/w640-h334/wild-men+%25282%2529.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">She's out there. I know it.</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div>The game attempts to rectify this by introducing a new villain, a deuterantagonist known as Dark Samus. She was apparently popular enough to be featured in the Super Smash Bros. series as the most superfluous addition since Dr. Mario. Her birth appears to be brought about by the dark void the Ing have brought, and now she serves as a Phazon-addicted mirror to Samus. Dark Samus doesn't really love much of an impression (besides <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VEVQ6JxQFr4">her excellent theme song</a>), but she piques enough curiosity that one wouldn't mind seeing her in the sequel. As far as implications, I suppose if Dark Samus got off-world she could wreak about as much havoc as Samus could if she felt like going rogue, but the threat feels somewhat neutered when one is reminded that the current state of Aether doesn't allow <i>anyone</i> to go anywhere. In fact, the only reason Samus doesn't just leave the planet and call for backup is because her ship is in need of repairs. It's like when your car breaks down in <a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2017/08/silent-hill-3-just-little-bit-overrated.html">Silent Hill</a>, sans the emotional content. Also you can double jump.<p></p><p>The introduction of Dark Samus is part of the light world/dark world element that Metroid Prime 2: Echoes uses as its central motif, which was done to simplify Retro Studios' development process (parallel worlds = fewer rooms to build). Nintendo enjoys powerwalking down the avenue of light vs. dark; they've done it in <i>The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past</i>, <i>The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess</i>, and <i>Super Paper Mario</i> (it feels unfair to count <i>Ikaruga</i> here as well, despite it also being one of <u>The Great Games of Our Time</u>). Don't be mistaken: just like in <i>Star Wars</i> this is an allegory for absolutely nothing beyond good vs. evil. There is no twist depicting the balance that nature and the universe requires, where perhaps the Ing and Luminoth have misunderstood one another's aggressions and can respect each others' boundaries and live in harmony. This is about shooting the black goopy monsters because they're gross. That's perfectly fine, it just seems a bit incongruous when compared to what the game is trying to present itself as.<br /><br />It's not all bad, though. One of my favorite moments of the game comes in a section where you can read Space Pirate logs to discover they've not just been breeding Metroids as bioweapons, but also as pets. There are implications that the Space Pirates are teasing, misfeeding, and otherwise abusing the creatures, which adds a welcome sense of pathos to what was original considered perhaps the deadliest bioform in the galaxy. Additionally, it expands upon the cruelty of the Space Pirates; interplanetary genocide is bad enough, but going after your own pets hits closer to home. As excellent as the Space Pirate logs were in <i>Metroid Prime</i>, they're even better here for this small moment of world building and characterization. There's even this bit where you can read departed Luminoth logs that was so subtle most players missed it: you know how they look like illuminated bits of interconnected lines and dots? They're actually based on the hand shapes of the Luminoth claws, with the bulbous knuckles and elongated digits, since they're nonverbal (and Nintendo wasn't ready to pay for voice acting until <i>Metroid Prime 3: Corruption</i>). </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs0iJB1IoyFf7iKmippfeJsQpU813znHmJovwGlG3QGxe5ZZe3LXEOhL4OP28QR1gzr_emA7s3e2-lTOKeHroLh-WJfL1iZWg3xnYOSN8kdqJ2VojIKls9V8nYu6cLPRntwsQwqGZnZX4Z/s1000/Luminoth_Lore_Projector.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="786" data-original-width="1000" height="315" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgs0iJB1IoyFf7iKmippfeJsQpU813znHmJovwGlG3QGxe5ZZe3LXEOhL4OP28QR1gzr_emA7s3e2-lTOKeHroLh-WJfL1iZWg3xnYOSN8kdqJ2VojIKls9V8nYu6cLPRntwsQwqGZnZX4Z/w400-h315/Luminoth_Lore_Projector.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Translation: don't play <i>Metroid Prime: Federation Force</i>.</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><p>One of the other things <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> excels at is the gameplay, which should come as no surprise. It's the same engine as the previous entry and the same basic idea as most games in the series: proceeding from room to room, occasionally acquiring power-ups that allows further progress, defeating bosses, etc. The jumping still feels smooth, the combat is as enjoyable as ever, and the puzzles are never so challenging as to be frustrating or not worth your time. Keeping that foundation was critical, as it allowed modifications to the formula that don't interfere with the core model. There are new weapons that work based on the light/dark mechanic, and they require ammunition - but it's never really difficult to acquire. Your health steadily drains while in the dark side of Aether, but despite the series trademark emphasis on careful exploration you never feel rushed while exploring the dark world. There are these helpful pockets of light that slowly refill your health, which also help to make combat more forgiving (although it can lead to thumbsuckery if your health is particularly low). Samus also has new visors, including a sound vibrations visor and an improvement to the x-ray visor. While the latter was barely used in <i>Metroid Prime</i>, it's used far more often this time around, which makes it feel like less of an afterthought. The Sky Temple keys, which take the place of the Chozo Artifacts in the previous game, are much easier to find, no longer relying on clueless exploration for a third of them. There's a real sense that the designers listened to the producers' criticisms of the previous game (what little there were) and took note for the sequel.</p><p>Unfortunately, listening to advice from the higher-ups leads to perhaps the biggest problem with the game.<br /><br /><i>Metroid Prime</i>'s bosses were just a tad on the easy side, save for the titular final boss. They often seemed like tests of how well one could perform a specific action and/or pattern (time missile blasts, dodge rhythmic attack waves, etc.) for which the player would be rewarded with a power-up. That's not a bad idea, it's just uncomplicated. That same concept was brought over to <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i>, but some Nintendo executive in a suit who we'll call Kensuke Tanabe (because that's his name) took a look at the boss battles <i>three days before the game went gold</i> and said "eh, make 'em harder" (no, seriously, <a href="https://youtu.be/hlbeRLmfCHk?t=665">he did</a>). The result was simple yet disastrous: multiple bosses had their hitboxes shrunk and the damage they dealt increased by twenty points. <br /><br />Let me give you a fr'instance: the Boost Guardian, perhaps the most infamous boss in the game, proceeds as follows. You enter the boss' arena, knowing you need to get the Boost Ball to access new areas and complete various objectives. This boss uses the Boost Ball, so you've got a fair idea of what it'll do during the battle. It's almost like you need to prove you can survive without the power-up in order to attain it. Not a bad idea. Five problems: <br /></p><ol style="text-align: left;"><li><b>Low health</b>: This is one of the earliest boss battles in the game, so even if you're diligent enough to seek out all available energy tanks to this point, you're only going to have four reserves.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Lack of cover</b>: The arena is dreadfully small, and the only places to hide are four small pillars that the boss can destroy when it uses the Boost Ball. Meanwhile, the Boost Guardian's puddle form takes up a lot of space <i>and</i> it creates minions that come along to annoy you as well.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Moments of invulnerability</b>: The Boost Guardian is invulnerable while in the Boost Ball. It rolls around the arena rapidly and is extremely difficult to avoid due to both its speed and the random patterns it chooses. The only way to force it out of this mode is with a well-timed and well-placed bomb, which is so difficult that it's best not to try.<br /><br /></li><li><b>Heavy damage</b>: When it goes to Boost Ball mode it deals heavy damage, but it deals even heavier damage while in its puddle form. It's frankly ludicrous, and it's all the more frustrating that you almost have to get hit by the puddle in order to deal damage (you have to roll near to where you think the nucleus is heading, quickly lay three bombs, then roll away, effectively grazing it every time if you're lucky and splashing in it with both feet if you're not). <br /><br /></li><li><b>Constantly draining health</b>: Remember what I said about your health draining in the darkness? Remember what I said about there being pockets of light that acted as safe zones where you could slowly regain health? There are none of those in this fight. You lose health quickly, in addition to the heavy damage the boss deals on contact. Your only hope for survival is hoping the Boost Ball shots destroy the pillars (you know, the ones you were using for cover) to reveal energy pick-ups. Remember what I said about the patterns being random? There is a very real possibility the Boost Ball shots will never hit any of the pillars. If that happens, you're brown bread.<br /><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWrIjRmm68nXg6TcDQqv5SmCPZaFA9LLYwJOR1wBs8WN0koIwXXHxdcIU7Xfwv18eWpG_TpoW3U2cNr0xPlDb31eeTVGp1uDv_PJQtvxq7c1bLhXu2j_8aTYop4XHslpzpWLgpktYqUbsE/s1231/boost+guardian.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="620" data-original-width="1231" height="322" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWrIjRmm68nXg6TcDQqv5SmCPZaFA9LLYwJOR1wBs8WN0koIwXXHxdcIU7Xfwv18eWpG_TpoW3U2cNr0xPlDb31eeTVGp1uDv_PJQtvxq7c1bLhXu2j_8aTYop4XHslpzpWLgpktYqUbsE/w640-h322/boost+guardian.PNG" width="640" /></a></div><br /></li></ol>If you've played this game, you know this boss. Even <a href="https://www.ign.com/articles/2009/08/29/a-space-bounty-hunter-in-texas?page=6">the senior director of development couldn't beat it without going into debug mode</a>. With only three days before the game went gold, there's no time to properly playtest this boss. There are others as well; the <a href="http://www.terribleblog.net">Alpha Blogg</a> has a hitbox that's far too small, Quadraxis (perhaps the most beloved boss in the trilogy by fans) feels more tedious than anything else, and the Spider Guardian* also deals an inordinate amount of damage. The most irritating, however, is the penultimate boss: Emperor Ing.<br /><br />Remember the final stage of <i>Metroid Prime</i>? It was a nightmarish hellscape, deep in the bowels of Tallon IV, a cordoned off research cavern that housed mutated Metroids and toxic Phazon. The entire time you travel through here you think "my god, what have they done?" The final boss was built up big time, a bioweapon that had grown beyond the control of the Space Pirate researchers, a testament to what happens when we tamper in God's domain. It tests all of the player's developed skills and reflexes, acting as a capstone to what the player should have been learning about combat along the way. Upon Prime's defeat, Samus rushes back to the collapsing Chozo Temple, looking back at the world her adoptive race tended to with such care reduced to so much rubble - and knowing who was responsible for its collapse. <br /><br />There's none of that in <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i>. Maybe I missed a couple scans or something, but I don't remember the Emperor Ing being built up at all. I didn't even understand how the Ing could have an emperor; they don't exactly seem to have an ordered society - they're just goop monsters. His arena is a place you've visited a couple times, so it's neither unfamiliar nor threatening. The fight itself isn't quite as challenging as it is tedious; there's a small timing window for some of the shots you have to make, it's very time-consuming, and there doesn't feel like there's as much strategy required as there could've been. Then when you win the Luminoth come out of hibernation and wave you goodbye. Thanks for playing, no refunds. </div><div><br /></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVhlKCH1VxlpFcLSjig1LcZieYeiBahsvUDvjIEAIz1unSeLYrDukgbNT3ifkiAqme-VzXr8iMsdf94ekcxckwlzsoOa5X_INggQxTnrxeXRNzNPAoD01IkwmnMeKo2HJwFvS75XyL3UQ6/s1440/samus_and_dark_samus_dark_aether-e1539648183348.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="557" data-original-width="1440" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhVhlKCH1VxlpFcLSjig1LcZieYeiBahsvUDvjIEAIz1unSeLYrDukgbNT3ifkiAqme-VzXr8iMsdf94ekcxckwlzsoOa5X_INggQxTnrxeXRNzNPAoD01IkwmnMeKo2HJwFvS75XyL3UQ6/w640-h248/samus_and_dark_samus_dark_aether-e1539648183348.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Also this happened. Didn't seem important, wasn't really paying attention</span></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><div>One can't help but feel slightly let down here. The Luminoth, the Ing, Aether, none of it ever comes back, nor would anyone want them to. Most games in the series seem to end with Samus making a daring last second escape, often while the planet explodes. I guess they couldn't do that with a race of creatures who were still living, but if they must live, they might at least be interesting. What are they good at? What are their likes and dislikes, besides the light and the Ing respectively? What will they do now that Samus has saved their hides? How come you only use the wall jump like twice in the entire game? Why do fools fall in love? <br /><br />I might sound a bit too harsh here; this is a game where an impressive amount of work went into it, and when I can see that hard work is done, I want to be kinder to it. It's certainly conceivable that I'll revisit this game in the coming years and I'll appreciate it more. The core gameplay is as good as ever, the music evokes the dark atmosphere of the game world, and the flavor text is still far better than the writing in 99% of games. I probably haven't given enough credit to the art design; e.g., Dark Samus looks less mechanical and more organic, and there's a very good reason for that. <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> doesn't feel rushed, and one of the senior game designers confirmed they were fortunate enough to avoid crunch while making it. It just feels stifled by the last second decisions of some gray man wearing an even grayer suit, whose influence feels disconnected from the design team. I have zero experience whatsoever in game development, but it doesn't feel like this is the way it ought to work, even if it's the natural state of affairs in game studios across the globe. All feeling of antipathy, however, are washed away when one recalls that <i>Metroid Prime 2: Echoes</i> is responsible for the greatest .gif in gaming history:<p></p></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9lyFsvm2uiN9Sph_xCg6TaqInYx2ewIbXTH-W3tTlmCi0WHjQsKfB0WzLw-CAB9S7TEGJZBRV56DmOfpWw_Gqg8hYlos2O7ixGL7ugRwSddwFFOGOKJLI_TguSOa4Oy0AN1otC9-0cly9/s320/samus-meteoroid-prime.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="240" data-original-width="320" height="480" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj9lyFsvm2uiN9Sph_xCg6TaqInYx2ewIbXTH-W3tTlmCi0WHjQsKfB0WzLw-CAB9S7TEGJZBRV56DmOfpWw_Gqg8hYlos2O7ixGL7ugRwSddwFFOGOKJLI_TguSOa4Oy0AN1otC9-0cly9/w640-h480/samus-meteoroid-prime.gif" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><br /></td></tr></tbody></table><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />* - I actually liked the Spider Guardian. It's led to more resets among players than any other boss in the series, but it tests a specific skill that players ought to have developed by this point: agility and precision with the Morph Ball and Morph Ball Bombs. It feels more like a puzzle than the other bosses, which appeals more to me than I suppose it would to most fans of the series, but it's a refreshing divergence from the well-trodden path of "Shoot At Its Weak Point Until It Dies" that so many Metroid bosses use.<br /><br /></div><br />Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-35483037396607709042021-01-08T08:24:00.003-06:002021-01-08T08:37:04.464-06:00The Bad Seed's Comically Bad Ending<p> </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLt1955BGFGuLZg9iER8MFiejJYR5qG0s88JVaySJOTFqG8cXifBMRtpWkSOhME_CvZJdPdaJumvLgkJp6jtIw-lINHX-4rvFVXxok8CtoaS0XKjQqlmAgT0Ry3pzd2-EHbf7UkX_4EWEB/s516/badseed1.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="297" data-original-width="516" height="368" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhLt1955BGFGuLZg9iER8MFiejJYR5qG0s88JVaySJOTFqG8cXifBMRtpWkSOhME_CvZJdPdaJumvLgkJp6jtIw-lINHX-4rvFVXxok8CtoaS0XKjQqlmAgT0Ry3pzd2-EHbf7UkX_4EWEB/w640-h368/badseed1.png" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Different kind of shocker</td></tr></tbody></table><p></p><p>Writer (novel): William March<br />Writer (play): Maxwell Anderson<br />Writer (screenplay): John Lee Mahin<br />Director/Producer: Mervyn LeRoy<br />Cinematographer: Harold Rosson<br />Starring: Nancy Kelly, Patty McCormack, Eileen Heckart, Evelyn Varden, Henry Jones<br />Runtime: 129 minutes<br /><br />I need to talk about the ending of this movie really quick.</p><span><a name='more'></a></span><p><i>The Bad Seed</i> was released in 1956. It's an adaptation of a Broadway production of a popular novel of the same name. You can likely gather from the poster that it's about a creepy little girl who probably kills people. It's kind of like <i>The Village of the Damned </i>on a smaller scale (the similarities don't end there; both movies were subjected to hideous remakes), or perhaps <i>The Good Son </i>or <i>Orphan. </i>The movie was a big hit both critically and commercially for Warner Bros.; Nancy Kelly, Patty McCormack, Eileen Heckart, and Harold Rosson were all nominated for Academy Awards.<br /><br />I'll get to the plot in the second, but first a very brief review. <i>The Bad Seed</i> works largely because of excellent performances and strong characterization. It's refreshing to see a movie where everyone who appears is bringing their A-game, which is likely attributed to the shrewd decision to utilize the Broadway cast for the film; the chemistry is readily apparent, and the actresses almost seem to be competing with each other to give the most striking performance. Despite this, the movie never feels crowded by too many egos; all the performances play seamlessly off one another. It's not exactly an ensemble cast, but it's worth watching just for how they play off one another. The richly characterized roles are also critical to the movie's success. Names aren't important: the audience immediately identifies the sociopathic child, the hectically distraught mother, the doting nursemaid, the repellant caretaker, the drunkenly grieving mother, and the nervously suspicious teacher. Add that to a narrative that's allowed to twist when it wants to and the product is an effective thriller that holds up surprisingly well 65 years later.</p><p>Then the ending ruins everything.<br /><br />Before I go any further, I will warn that from here on out <i>The Bad Seed</i> will be spoiled. I would contend that the movie is worth watching not only for the excellent performances, but also for the laughably inept ending. However, it's perfectly understandable if you don't feel like watching a two-plus hour black-and-white movie from the mid-50s.<br /><br />There is an ending title card which reads: <br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShDLI3L6F0lTAkBKAjUtdSpLQUC-tQ38JPH_wxuj0NVkYFEbqGj01AQ3alKPJcS8LesxnWM6BBB2tgCJApOvmMnb08yu_aIN7coOwVmtzNUKRmN4f4JSTs-0lx2AcinZwQIq38eFJF_2A/s1279/end.PNG" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="717" data-original-width="1279" height="358" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiShDLI3L6F0lTAkBKAjUtdSpLQUC-tQ38JPH_wxuj0NVkYFEbqGj01AQ3alKPJcS8LesxnWM6BBB2tgCJApOvmMnb08yu_aIN7coOwVmtzNUKRmN4f4JSTs-0lx2AcinZwQIq38eFJF_2A/w640-h358/end.PNG" width="640" /></a></div><br /><p>I am going to divulge the unusual climax of this story.<br /><br />So it's about a cute little girl (McCormack) who's initially presented as sweet and charming, if somewhat greedy. While on a school field trip to a nearby wharf, one of her classmates dies. The little girl has a motive (she wanted a medal that he had won <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> remember that, it comes back later), and she was the last person to see the dead classmate. Now, I know she did it, you know she did it, we all know she did it, it's called The Bad Seed, if she didn't do it then why the hell am I watching this? The writers knew this too, and so the suspense is broken when, approximately 80 minutes into the movie, she admits to her mother (Kelly) that she killed the boy <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> and has killed before that as well.</p><p>That is not the unusual climax of this story. <i>The Bad Seed</i> is 129 minutes long, so there's a lot more plot to get through.<br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimgG6a37SL_sBLzcwDRpLq5h8JjW-CLy5cEkMS-689kNpYG1gt5oxzxsBmulJGAwkkedESnvr2nYRXfSwrdg608ihTTbgS8GAoyxueA9j2IuA0wp2Rcj21OgGf8yKMDuu6yQ3FFgu6-6nh/s500/shoe.gif" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="365" data-original-width="500" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimgG6a37SL_sBLzcwDRpLq5h8JjW-CLy5cEkMS-689kNpYG1gt5oxzxsBmulJGAwkkedESnvr2nYRXfSwrdg608ihTTbgS8GAoyxueA9j2IuA0wp2Rcj21OgGf8yKMDuu6yQ3FFgu6-6nh/s320/shoe.gif" width="320" /></a></div>The suspense is now changed significantly; we no longer are waiting to see if the mother will find out her daughter is a murderer, but are rather waiting to see what lengths the mother will go to in order to cover it up. Indeed, the mother knows her daughter is a killer, but wants to protect her little girl from harm. Remember Alfred Hitchcock's underrated 1948 movie <i>Rope</i>? The fun of that movie is that you know who killed whom, you know where it was done, you know how it was done, you know why it was done, you know where the body is hidden, and you know all of it in the first five minutes. The fun of <i>Rope</i> is waiting to see if Jimmy Stewart can figure it out. In <i>The Bad Seed</i>, the mother is the audience, and she's waiting to see if anyone else will discover her daughter's terrifying secret. However, when the little girl kills a caretaker who discovered her homicidal tendencies and threatened to report her to the police, the mother knows that her daughter will never stop. The little girl doesn't even care that three lives have been lost; she wants that medal. The mother feeds her own daughter a lethal dose of sleeping pills and shoots herself in the head with a revolver offscreen.<p></p><p>That is not the unusual climax of the story. That would be a bit of a flat tire of an ending, a conclusion too abrupt for an audience to feel anything.</p><p>As it turns out, the mother was not adept at suicide. She somehow survives the gunshot to the head, while the little girl is miraculously saved by an emergency injection when the authorities come to investigate the gunshot. The mother is catatonic in the hospital, while the little girl lives. She is as sweet and charming as ever, but you know she will kill again. She will grow up and kill for as long as she can get away with it.</p><p>That is not the unusual climax of the story. It should be.</p><p>The mother wakes up in the hospital and telephones her husband. She says she'll be okay, everything will be okay now, they'll get by on love or something; she's sort of spouting vague platitudes like Gal Gadot at the end of <i>Wonder Woman 1984</i>. The little girl, however, has snuck out on this dark and stormy night, down to the wharf where she drowned her classmate, returning to the scene of the crime to search for the medal her mother discarded in disgust. Then, the almighty hand of God smites her with a bolt of lightning.<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='438' height='364' src='https://www.blogger.com/video.g?token=AD6v5dwJ6NhQAGVrzDWd9KXIOFOyMc_hLTAWv23T12NvhW6aBjx1uR8PLSNYkcQq8kTgH1qr18MbS-UMRWroj7Cvvg' class='b-hbp-video b-uploaded' frameborder='0'></iframe><br /></div><p><br />That is the unusual climax of the story.</p><p>I wish I was making that up. I wish I could come up with something that funny. You can practically hear the Goofy scream. I was cackling like a lunatic when it happened; it's like a <i>Jackass</i> stunt gone wrong. It's so abrupt that it looks like it was frantically spliced in by someone who was on a deadline and wasn't sure how to end the movie. Then the camera pans up and the words THE END appear. That's it. No refunds. </p><p>(A brief aside: have you watched any 1950s monster movies? No? Just me? Alright, bear with me for a second: there was a moment in practically all 1950s monster movies <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> think of <i>Them!</i>, the one with the giant ants <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> where the beast is dispatched at the climax of the movie, the hero looks upon the burning carcass of the monstrosity, intones something like "What has God wrought?", RKO Pictures' fanfare blares, the words THE END appear, and the theater lights come on. I think producers didn't believe in denouements back then.) </p><p>Apparently in the original novel and the Broadway adaptation, people were furious that the little girl survived, while the mother perished. Hollywood had in place a halfwitted little set of guidelines called the Hays Code (which I've written about at length before); these guidelines ensured a depressingly effective way to neuter creative storytelling and keep artwork safe, inoffensive, and <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> most important <span face="LyonText-Regular-Web, Times, "Lucida Sans Unicode"" style="background-color: white; font-size: 18px;">—</span> marketable. One of these guidelines forbade any criminal from "getting away with it." Instead of turning out a dark suspense thriller with an ending that would terrify audiences, Warner Bros. was forced to churn out yet another boring morality tale. Eat your heart out, Crypt Keeper.<br /><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeCXesU0mSayUkrx748sEBbn4cnr82aZbbH_wuWAD3_S-smyFspUaAof6-plHB6NU0dhKOY9G0i22Ob09tGZdF_Sos8tFwry8oFatIfFYCm_hcI4Hs934eNiHdRuNbmrGiCoosy03Fo_x/s320/shockolate.gif" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="215" data-original-width="320" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjQeCXesU0mSayUkrx748sEBbn4cnr82aZbbH_wuWAD3_S-smyFspUaAof6-plHB6NU0dhKOY9G0i22Ob09tGZdF_Sos8tFwry8oFatIfFYCm_hcI4Hs934eNiHdRuNbmrGiCoosy03Fo_x/w441-h297/shockolate.gif" width="441" /></a></div><br /><p>It's particularly embarrassing because the ending where the little girl lives is a perfect place to end the movie. The longer it goes on, you keep wondering why the movie is still going. She's planning another murder, and it all feels a bit superfluous. We know what she is by this point; what more is there to say? What more is there to do? When the mother wakes up and calls her husband, it is perfectly natural for the audience to expect that she will warn the little girl's father that she's a sociopathic murderer and that the film will follow one of two directions: either the father will dismiss the mother's warnings as coma-induced hysteria, or he'll heed her call and prevent yet another murder. Instead, we witness perhaps the funniest child-explosion scene in movie history (there aren't very many of these, to be fair). The movie immediately ends, the cast is reintroduced, and the "mother" confronts the "daughter" and spanks her. </p><p>That is not the unusual climax of the story. It's a cathartic scene that was hastily stapled to the end of the Broadway play after audiences became outraged that the little girl survived. So instead of getting to go home with a laugh despite the fact that a psychopathic murderer walks the streets, you get to go home with a laugh after a little girl was blown to smithereens like Wile E. Coyote. </p><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHts4vcMLsUaJ6wgr-wgMruv4-LfqaaNf5ouaTUmz1cix_rjy87oT-v1jUbedxo_cwH01un3GprHex2urUasgClTXOxb26r7uAnf4oLMa6lDMn4YiuFy31yEO78iYnckFL29JJ1aEGphpP/s400/lightning.gif" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="290" data-original-width="400" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHts4vcMLsUaJ6wgr-wgMruv4-LfqaaNf5ouaTUmz1cix_rjy87oT-v1jUbedxo_cwH01un3GprHex2urUasgClTXOxb26r7uAnf4oLMa6lDMn4YiuFy31yEO78iYnckFL29JJ1aEGphpP/w400-h290/lightning.gif" width="400" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="text-align: left;">They just don't make 'em like they used to.</span></td></tr></tbody></table>Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com19tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-6284672666933361582020-10-13T11:35:00.002-05:002020-10-13T11:35:30.091-05:00Triple H's 25th Anniversary Was A Fucking Nightmare<span><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvBthqHc7rGt4ZmQmgTGTBhmiRxqRwdnxibskNf9aR9vkZzp6AGsM7cGjvM_sC7QTrywxj9BWtWkC02fNPprjhMjD3jgPbNuMr8QguenS-rBm9GqTn9HPQIc_J8b7LHLrGL8jsCRq-0c/s704/graphic+design+is+my+passion.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="363" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiXvBthqHc7rGt4ZmQmgTGTBhmiRxqRwdnxibskNf9aR9vkZzp6AGsM7cGjvM_sC7QTrywxj9BWtWkC02fNPprjhMjD3jgPbNuMr8QguenS-rBm9GqTn9HPQIc_J8b7LHLrGL8jsCRq-0c/w640-h363/graphic+design+is+my+passion.png" width="640" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><div style="-en-clipboard: true;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Friday Night Smackdown is live from the Black Lodge</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span><span style="font-family: verdana;"><a name='more'></a></span></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">April 2020.</span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The world is in the ravages of COVID-19 and WWE is recording 3 weekly TV shows as well as all their PPVs in empty arenas. They have not yet had the idea to put any of their two hundred contracted wrestlers or trainees in the crowd. Every single promo, entrance, and match occurs in silence. Yes, even Wrestlemana. Both nights.</span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The stock of the company plummets to absurd lows after COVID hits Are Beautiful Country. Vince McMahon responds by <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfpV5JVv9AY">firing several wrestlers</a> just to bump the stock price back up for the shareholders. The XFL folds and the commissioner sues Vince for wrongful termination. Monday Night Raw ratings are at an all time low, despite people literally having nowhere to go and no sports to watch. Wrestlers get sick but Vince refuses to mention the pandemic on television, referring to it only in generic terms like "The Current Situation." As the world shuts down, Vince 'convinces' Florida that the WWE is an essential business and therefore they should be able to record all of their shows in their Performance Center. WWE tells wrestlers if they don't feel safe or comfortable working, <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FfpV5JVv9AY">they don't have to</a>. Roman Reigns, one of the company's biggest stars who recently returned from a year long battle with leukemia says "yeah no I'm not working, The Miz showed up sick and wrestled matches." They agree to give him time off. He's taken off of Wrestlemania (but still used in all promotion) and never mentioned on TV. He's gone for the time being because as we all know there are two things that get you erased from WWE history: murdering your wife and family and getting cancer. Vince fires more behind the scenes personnel. Stock prices go up, up, up baby, and soon they’ll be making more money from their TV and Saudi Arabia deals than they ever have in the history of the company. And here we are now. </span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">You don't need to know much about the WWE or wrestling in general for what's coming. You don't need to know what a babyface or a heel are, you don't need to know what kayfabe is or even how to pronounce it. This isn't a retrospective on his career, but a celebration of...his celebration. While professional wrestling is a choreographed sequence of events used to tell the story of good against evil, what aired on this dreadful Friday evening is an unscripted nightmare and one of the most bizarrely Lynchian things I've ever seen.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFZiVQv_iiyA6iXwrul14c-ZTgc7QG_aYi30FfccC5xE-dIUtIU_fiUQq-RZ9eF5IZV49aO40RFGk-9yLTpBCRglmrc9_1zt2By8Mcx0-2EqlP9AN9OFkmaA6yZnRHzbxVtvFFiB2Afd8/s704/live+at+someones+gym.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhFZiVQv_iiyA6iXwrul14c-ZTgc7QG_aYi30FfccC5xE-dIUtIU_fiUQq-RZ9eF5IZV49aO40RFGk-9yLTpBCRglmrc9_1zt2By8Mcx0-2EqlP9AN9OFkmaA6yZnRHzbxVtvFFiB2Afd8/w640-h364/live+at+someones+gym.png" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Coming to you live from someone's gym<br /></span></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">April 24, 2020.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Filmed in beautiful Florida in front of a live studio audience consisting of 2 announcers and some cameramen. We are here to celebrate 25 years of Triple H. The Game. The Cerebral Assassin. The King of Kings. The Asskicker. Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Terra Ryzing. Trips. Tri.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">25 years of Triple H. Honestly, that could be this entire article. Love him or hate him, you could do a hell of a retrospective for the guy. Predetermined or not, you don't last this long in such a prominent role without some kind of talent. Anyone who has been on top since the heyday of Stone Cold and The Rock and stayed there until leaving on their own terms has plenty of careers highs....and lows. Enough lows to fill up a post longer than my offensively long movie posts from back in the day. But that's not why we're here today. That's another post for another time. Maybe we'll check back in on that for the 30th, because Lord knows he isn't going anywhere.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The Game makes his way to the ring. A lifetime of achievements race through his mind as he carefully makes his way down the ramp. He’s not in a hurry, he’s taking his sweet time and letting the crowd drink it in. All four of them. Motorhead reverberates off the empty seats as the sixth biggest star of the Attitude Era celebrates a milestone. Fourteen world titles. A Grand Slam champion. <span style="font-style: italic;">Blade Trinity</span>. A celebration of this magnitude deserves the pomp and circumstance of a Wrestlemania entrance. We need props, extras, a giant throne, thousands of Hulkamaniacs on their feet chanting “Thank You Hunter.” Unfortunately, the world is in the ravages of a pandemic so it’s just an old dude hobbling down the ramp while Lemmy mutters something about it being all about The Game, and how you play it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The story of Triple H can’t be told without his better half. No, not his wife. His soul mate. Before Trips can finish a sentence, the sweet sounds of “OHHH SHAAAAWWWWWN” echo through the arena as the 108 year old Heartbreak Kid, Shawn Michaels, comes to the ring to congratulate his longtime friend. It is in this moment that, with a heavy heart, I realize this entire celebration is going to comprise of a couple of middle-aged men waxing poetic about how fucking cool Degeneration X was. “Remember that time we told our boss to suck it 20 years ago?" "Remember that time we tricked Vince into saying he loves cock?" "Hell yeah brother we rode that tank right up to WCW and that’s why we won the war.” They talk about that time they told their boss to suck it. That time they told that woman to suck it. That time they told someone else to suck it. Reminiscing about a bunch of absolute dogshit Wrestlemania main events. Oddly enough, they neglected to air the clip where he told Booker T that “people like him” don’t win titles and then proceeded to beat the shit out of him at Wrestlemania and retain the title. Must have lost that in the archives somewhere.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The two of them go on like this for about seven hours and I have to say, it's brave of them to not change their cadence at all to suit the empty arena. They stand their ground and deliver every single joke with an uncomfortable pause, each punchline lingering in the air for a laugh break that will never come. “All your friends are here. All your friends. Hey Hunter. All your friends are here. Your friends. All of them. They all came out. Here. To see you. All friends. Heeeeerre. Frrriiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Two bonafide legends bantering with all the energy of an Eric Andre segment. I’d ask who exactly all this horrendous comedy is for, but anyone who follows WWE knows that’s a rhetorical question. Everything on this show is for exactly one person, and we’ll be getting to him soon enough.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div style="border: 0px; direction: ltr; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; position: relative; text-align: left; white-space: pre-wrap;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_gPHLYKUKLACrjAwFmIZ0xgnlew0oClLazEREtjR4gwVNdgkVixpYBh-bk1tAy2X_iEPoEtLqeYToUA_FOFnzF1hsW43LtIE-NULmjLORtzfQkamV1dKAmJu5GFMB5xmK7cyFigo-x0/s704/triple+andre.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgZ_gPHLYKUKLACrjAwFmIZ0xgnlew0oClLazEREtjR4gwVNdgkVixpYBh-bk1tAy2X_iEPoEtLqeYToUA_FOFnzF1hsW43LtIE-NULmjLORtzfQkamV1dKAmJu5GFMB5xmK7cyFigo-x0/w640-h364/triple+andre.png" width="640" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">After a bunch of hilarious banter, Trips is visited by the three Facetime ghosts of Christmas present, past, and even further past. Devil’s Advocate though, if I was a wrestler I wouldn’t want to look towards the future either. His wife, Stephanie McMahon, calls in and cracks a bunch of inside jokes that are airing on a globally syndicated show for some reason. Road Dogg - everyone's sixth favorite member of Degeneration X - calls up and talks about the same shit they always talk about. Who cares. Suck it, blah blah blah. You're all 50.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">It's the third call that sets the tone for the rest of the evening. Ric Flair dials in, and he looks positively ghoulish. He gives a hearty WOOOOOOOOO, laughs, and then starts crying. Ric Flair will both WOOOOO and cry at the drop of a hat, but my man is barely able to sputter out a full sentence between heaving sobs. This was clearly not scripted and Triple H awkwardly hangs up. You know things are going great when you have to abruptly hang up on your long time friend and mentor on live television because they won't stop weeping. Flair then calls back, full on bawling, and the production team in the truck break the glass on the emergency "GO TO COMMERCIAL" button and get themselves the fuck out of dodge. Dear reader, I have a request for you. The latter part was completely edited out of the version of Smackdown that I have, so if you have it or know where it is for the love of God send it to me, I crave it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlMSy5Jx1FhFOKQDXn-ghjUFD5gwvTCsdGpL8P3Tq0BmD93cxTOIJ78Y-dLVIRYkfaL24nQGBb9Y7-HssKRwpaUHUGnk2D_EituFunWSHoZZroGHa8h2tIS2L3AahsFuoejRUZzLmRyQE/s704/naitch.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhlMSy5Jx1FhFOKQDXn-ghjUFD5gwvTCsdGpL8P3Tq0BmD93cxTOIJ78Y-dLVIRYkfaL24nQGBb9Y7-HssKRwpaUHUGnk2D_EituFunWSHoZZroGHa8h2tIS2L3AahsFuoejRUZzLmRyQE/w640-h364/naitch.png" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">No caption is funnier than this picture</span></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Needless to say, things are going well. There's one special guest left, and they have saved the best for last.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><i>NO CHAAAANCE THAT’S WHAT YOU GOT.</i></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Vincent Kennedy McMahon. The chairman and CEO of World Wrestling Entertainment and Triple H's father in law is the guest of honor in this ceremony. For some reason. The Geriatric Jackhammer walks onto the stage, plants his feet at the top of the ramp, and pulls out a microphone. A chill runs down my spine. This man IS the WWE. Every single decision runs through him. People say that a lot, but it’s one of the few Internet Wrestling Nerd phrases that isn't an exaggeration. He is the control freak to end all control freaks. Even at the ripe age of 118, he sits backstage for every single show, wearing a headset and barking orders from start to finish. Every career hangs on his whims. Every gimmick goes through him. Every storyline goes through him. Every name change goes through him. Every piece of food at catering goes through him. He’s the man who views being unable to hold back a sneeze as a sign of weakness and will hold it against you until the day you quit. He's the man who will tell you to grab the brass ring, and when you do will answer back "no, not like that god dammit" and shovel shit on you until you either break mentally or decide not to wrestle anymore. He is the one singular galaxy brain that every piece of minutiae in the biggest wrestling company on the globe goes through. He is the beginning and the end. And he opens his mouth...</span></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">He sounds like dogshit. Folks, there's sounding like shit, and there's sounding like you're one cough away from evaporating into dust. Every strained word leaves his lips sounding like they’re being run through a woodchipper. He sounds like a man with a mouth full of gravel who shouldn’t be talking on a live mic on television, much less running a (formerly) billion dollar company. If this was your grandfather, you would do the equivalent of handing a toddler a controller and telling them that's it's actually plugged in and that they're playing with you. Either that or, you know, just pull the plug.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This doddering old dickhead stands there dressed like a clown, swaying nervously as if he's never been on television before. We all get old, but it's what he says that matters, not necessarily how he says it. So the gerbil in his poo brain overclocks itself and he begins to drift. He attempts to playfully roast Triple H, but every sentence has the cadence and rhythm of a man who is about to ask why everything suddenly tastes like copper. I never pinned VKM as a philosopher, but it was Nietzsche who said "time is a flat circle" and folks this old man is going in circles. A verbal ouroboros; sentences that don't begin or end. They just always were.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8pxcx5r_DBqjyTR1yArMU4R3UgAF5BeiUQrpNm0GSL6N32fiPK0Cw4qjOjlY3reLr9i0juqKNk79fh70kFywPX6nuaiVk-1wWIpC2D9b43ttEsmZcYxhSaYrg-pOMvqsMqGbatOSr3YI/s704/i+love+my+socially+and+mentally+distant+father+in+law.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8pxcx5r_DBqjyTR1yArMU4R3UgAF5BeiUQrpNm0GSL6N32fiPK0Cw4qjOjlY3reLr9i0juqKNk79fh70kFywPX6nuaiVk-1wWIpC2D9b43ttEsmZcYxhSaYrg-pOMvqsMqGbatOSr3YI/w640-h364/i+love+my+socially+and+mentally+distant+father+in+law.png" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Love to celebrate a career milestone by having my boss yell at me from across the room.</span></td></tr></tbody></table></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The living fossil takes the scenic route and a couple of detours to arrive at the punchline that instead of chanting "Triple H! Triple H!" they would instead be chanting "Boooooooring. Boooooooring." What does he mean? Does he mean when he would make his entrance? During the match? After he won? During his promo? Doesn't matter. He stands there like Michael Scott, waiting patiently for the roaring laughter of a captivated audience that appreciates his zinger, but before anyone in the building can call for a wellness check he awkwardly forces his hand in his pocket and yells "OTHER THINGS IN WWE HAVE BEEN BORING. HOW ABOUT THE GOBBLEDY GOOKER?"</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Folks.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">I understand many of you don’t have absolute dog shit for brains like Yours Truly. Your memory palace is too full of cherished memories of loved ones and feet pics and you simply don’t have room for this. Don’t worry baby bird, I’m here to feed you. 'Gobbledy Gooker' is not the last thing an old man says before his brain fires off one final burst of DMT as he drifts into that long goodnight. No, The Gooker isn’t just what Vince called Mr. Fuji in private company, he is real, he's strong, and he's my friend.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">The long and short of it is: in the weeks leading up to Survivor Series 1990, there was an egg. Why is there an egg? Who's in the egg? What's in the egg? All will be revealed on Thanksgiving day, as long as you can convince your mom and dad to crack open their wallets. The day came, and this was what was waiting.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw9zgwErieG_aNPP35vDlRcyDf0TvVg5QyndMnTrZwSys-wyWihG9kwU8JVGanhsQ775Z9yJ7pJ8b940tuTj4RINj-CxMKWgtKdNTtjRVlbC2-7FVRVyZTK3tG30dawEyNIYhkCmo4cLw/s460/gobbledy+gooker.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="352" data-original-width="460" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjw9zgwErieG_aNPP35vDlRcyDf0TvVg5QyndMnTrZwSys-wyWihG9kwU8JVGanhsQ775Z9yJ7pJ8b940tuTj4RINj-CxMKWgtKdNTtjRVlbC2-7FVRVyZTK3tG30dawEyNIYhkCmo4cLw/s16000/gobbledy+gooker.gif" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Easily the worst thing to happen to the Guerrero family<br /></span></td></tr></tbody></table><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Imagine if you will, you spent your entire life on the road. 300 days a year, grinding your body and mind into a fine paste, missing countless birthdays, graduations, first steps. Hundreds of memories you can never get back because you were wrestling someone who was pretending to be mentally handicapped in Des Moines on a Thursday night instead of watching your daughter's first steps. Your reward for this suicidal task is to have a septuagenarian electric slide onto the stage and ramble about Hector Guerrero dressing like a turkey, bursting out of a giant egg and dancing with Mean Gene. All of this was just to circle back to the punchline of “…I’m not saying you were <span style="font-style: italic;">THAT</span> bad,” pausing for laughter, realizing there’s no one in the crowd, and then shuffling his hand back into the pocket and talking to the floor. Thanks for 25 years in the biz, shitlord. All your friends are six feet under. Gobble Gobble.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">And he keeeeeeps on talking. And talking. And talking. A wrinkled skin suit hootin' and hollerin' about a fucking turkey costume and something about fire walking with him. It seems pretty ominous and the production team keeps hilariously attempting damage control by cutting away, no doubt desperately trying to get Ric Flair back on the phone to sob some more until the top of the hour. The problem is, there are only 3 people in the arena if you discount announcers and cameramen, so the only alternative to watching a man's brain go thermonuclear is constant close ups of Triple H. He's staring down the ramp at his father-in-law with all of the intensity of a man who knows that this living fossil is one sneeze away from his brain hemorrhaging. The man up there gargling about how nobody cheered for the chicken is still alive and in complete control of the WWE through a combination of spite and whatever Philip K. Dick future drugs Jerry Jones has, but it looks like the scales are finally tipping in the favor of The Game. All these years of waiting for the reins to be handed to him. Taking over NXT, growing it into his own little mini promotion, proving his worth so when the time comes, he will be the one in charge o-wait what the fuck, is he about to mention Katie Vick?</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Ladies and gentlemen. There is not enough room in this post to give the Katie Vick angle justice. Do you know how gross you have to be for millions of professional wrestling fans to say something was in bad taste? In a business filled to the brim with rotten, disgusting people, it takes a real uncut gem to stand out above everything else.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Let me summarize this as succinctly as possible: Triple H crawled into a casket and banged a fake corpse. It doesn't matter who the corpse was supposed to be, why Kane was so infatuated with her, why Triple H felt the need to put on a wig, or why he finished by saying he "screwed her brains out" while an actual funeral service was going on in the next room.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">This isn’t a detour, this is falling asleep at the wheel and barreling into oncoming traffic. I’m not a religious person, but watching someone in their 70’s talk about their son in law butt-ass naked in a funeral home pretending to fuck a mannequin has me second guessing myself. If this is real then that means I am in Hell, so therefore there must be some sort of God, and he has a wicked sense of humor.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">“Paul, my son in law, naked in a funeral home and a mannaequin thing..and…d’oh.”</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSJ7R1oTehoB_P2mRc2VUz5b9jk6XgIcboUBqx1F88zkr9djusQRu3mjij2N3MqygGWTZmaIrQgZ-LlpncxJozsH8MYfJKXZzMJmYlNPAWC41oZ9G1y8QJQni8I7FWsFAGXrowHROHDI/s729/katie+vick.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="410" data-original-width="729" height="360" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbSJ7R1oTehoB_P2mRc2VUz5b9jk6XgIcboUBqx1F88zkr9djusQRu3mjij2N3MqygGWTZmaIrQgZ-LlpncxJozsH8MYfJKXZzMJmYlNPAWC41oZ9G1y8QJQni8I7FWsFAGXrowHROHDI/w640-h360/katie+vick.png" width="640" /></span></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Holy shit I'm gonna cum (in this corpse)</span></td></tr></tbody></table><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br />What he's saying is awful, but the fact that he’s struggling to get the words from his brain to his mouth makes it so much worse. So many levers and pulleys are working in that noggin of his to barf out a couple of dying gasps about necrophilia. I’d be laughing if I wasn’t anxiously waiting for Hornswaggle to show up and start talking backwards. Mr. McMahon has been a prominent character on television for decades. As great as Stone Cold Steve Austin was, a major key to his success was having The Boss as his foil. The rich, greedy piece of shit that steps all over the working man and gets his comeuppance. The man standing on the ramp right now looks like he just escaped decades of captivity and is trying to relearn human speech on the spot. He has the discomfort of someone who has the presence of mind to realize just how poorly this entire thing is going in real time but with no ability to fix it.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">You know what? The show is running long anyways, let’s wrap it up. Pull the parachute and let's get the fuck out of here. Something concise, a little witty, but most importantly, heartfelt. Something that lets his son in law know that for all the jabs and japes, he has accomplished unparalleled things in his career and should be proud. Not only proud of himself as a wrestler, but as a husband and a father.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">And I quote,</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">“I love you. I love you and uh…I think tonight…I love both of you, by the way…tonight…I just wanted to say that…your performance, and you in general…just truly God awful. What a horrible way to go out. God Awful. It…it…pardon the expression….sucked. It was ROTTEN. ABSOLUTELY ROTTEN. I’M ASHAMED OF YOU GUYS OH MY GOD. And if you haven’t put everyone to sleep by now…I’ll say goodnight…and…good night, padre.”</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_hkldWLkXUhBRgbGNE5KLU3ceHoB-S9JMKxMutTpiJm4pYVFx92iZaVuMWv2nRKY7D-F0fTWvuwzw05s1UmbgDNvlDn9zyeP0ElBukWHlw0MM6KIZEfJ4Y67di49jkf9-l403zEmryJU/s704/squatch+walk.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_hkldWLkXUhBRgbGNE5KLU3ceHoB-S9JMKxMutTpiJm4pYVFx92iZaVuMWv2nRKY7D-F0fTWvuwzw05s1UmbgDNvlDn9zyeP0ElBukWHlw0MM6KIZEfJ4Y67di49jkf9-l403zEmryJU/w640-h364/squatch+walk.png" width="640" /></span></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">He struts off stage, yells “LET’S WRAP IT UP, PADRE” and the lights go out. The sounds of crickets chirping play through the PA system as Triple H and Shawn Michaels stand incredulously in the middle of the ring in total darkness. The show ends with a black screen, the sound of crickets, and Shawn Michaels rasping “story of your career.”</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="704" height="364" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_8fhWBqC2hUPWw7ewDFzI3mYnO3SqxLFPuYDZWn6tTuGfRk40Dd0jttM4nT4VkVUTelyaSWiP-M5XbVLzVIHoyN5vlQ0ZrCFaA4qiTzvNah6nbbXvzS_0lD3OUputZWa_84NQwPmfDfU/w640-h364/crickets.png" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="640" /></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: verdana;">Suck it</span></td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_8fhWBqC2hUPWw7ewDFzI3mYnO3SqxLFPuYDZWn6tTuGfRk40Dd0jttM4nT4VkVUTelyaSWiP-M5XbVLzVIHoyN5vlQ0ZrCFaA4qiTzvNah6nbbXvzS_0lD3OUputZWa_84NQwPmfDfU/s704/crickets.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: verdana;"></span></a></div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;">Here’s to 25 more, dick.</span></div><div><span style="font-family: verdana;"><br /></span></div><div><br /></div></span>Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-60850093619651434572020-08-29T02:03:00.000-05:002020-08-29T02:03:55.655-05:00Chadwick Boseman - Forever<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuoWkJBkEBv_Mp8ajLoOGuo038KT-U2vCW7SPhQXWIwrpv2VTRmmyUV9vXvj3Bc5oH1B85Xq9WX-naha5bQfUzoMzCDDnRG1Qo_ezwl145-AHNg9HOlEncGTBh7MX8vlJcFRAsWwoAFc0x/s1024/rs_1024x759-180920075853-1024-Chadwick-Boseman-Message-from-the-King-JR-092018.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="759" data-original-width="1024" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiuoWkJBkEBv_Mp8ajLoOGuo038KT-U2vCW7SPhQXWIwrpv2VTRmmyUV9vXvj3Bc5oH1B85Xq9WX-naha5bQfUzoMzCDDnRG1Qo_ezwl145-AHNg9HOlEncGTBh7MX8vlJcFRAsWwoAFc0x/s640/rs_1024x759-180920075853-1024-Chadwick-Boseman-Message-from-the-King-JR-092018.jpg" width="640" /></a></div><p>Chadwick Aaron Boseman died on August 28th, 2020, of stage IV colon cancer, at the tender age of 43. He was an icon and a hero to millions. Gather 'round; I'm going to attempt the impossible and try to do justice to his legacy.<span></span></p><a name='more'></a>We live in desperate, lonely times. Every one of us, whether we know it or not, seeks connection. We have lost faith in our institutions, and we're very close to losing faith in one another. While COVID-19 dominates the headline, there is another ailment sweeping the globe: alienation. It has become more and more difficult to trust our fellow man, to display vulnerability, to forgive. We need someone we can look to, someone to latch onto, someone to admire. We need a hero.<br /><br />For many Americans, Chadwick Boseman was that hero. He portrayed some of the most important figures in this nation's history; Thurgood Marshall, James Brown, Floyd Little (if you're a Broncos fan) and my favorite baseball player of all time: Jackie Robinson. Robinson, one of the greatest second basemen who ever played, wore the number 42. Odds are you know that number, not because of <u>The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy</u>, but because odds are you are an American (if you're reading this blog), and baseball is our national pastime. I say <i>our</i>: this game does not belong to one race or one creed - it belongs to all of us. Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier not just because he was just as good as the white players - he broke the color barrier because he was <i>better</i>. Robinson did that and became a hero to millions. We see the number 42 displayed with honor in our baseball stadiums, and we know inherently its significance: he left a mark not just on baseball history, but on our cultural history.<br /><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5gnZJf0YrxC7VJT90sHZGoFy80pCkXRpFJLarcehGuhhpQheFsERz1ajvmHY4Zfa-uHc5sJ1DhUROVe78jFmdQ-0entstjrUr3xLLuaa1Jyj2-NsPMhejI0Gy2n1H4BrqLbGzc6Ulj_w/s1600/42_4926700-883316832738._V381223958_RI_.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1100" data-original-width="1600" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgP5gnZJf0YrxC7VJT90sHZGoFy80pCkXRpFJLarcehGuhhpQheFsERz1ajvmHY4Zfa-uHc5sJ1DhUROVe78jFmdQ-0entstjrUr3xLLuaa1Jyj2-NsPMhejI0Gy2n1H4BrqLbGzc6Ulj_w/s640/42_4926700-883316832738._V381223958_RI_.jpg" width="640" /></a><br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Similarly, Black Panther was a mark not only upon cinematic history, but upon cultural history. Cast your mind back to 2018. The Marvel Cinematic Universe was arguably at its peak popularity, and no name was hotter than Black Panther. Not Thor, not Captain America, not The Hulk, but Black Panther. It helps that the movie was pretty good, to be sure, but remember that it wasn't just a normal release: it was an event. Remember African-Americans proudly dressing up for that movie. Remember the black parents saying finally, a hero for our children. Sure, they can have Spider-Man or Iron Man, but it's nice to have someone who looks like you. Representation really does matter. </div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">You'll have to forgive me; I'm not very good at this sort of thing. It's a little hard to comment on this. I know what I am. I'm probably the whitest guy you'll ever meet, whatever that means. I can't pretend that I know the struggles of African-Americans or any other minority figure in this country. I can't act like I fully understand the full significance of this man's importance. What I can do, however, is two things: I can watch, and I can listen.</div></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/expKmfdoo28" width="320" youtube-src-id="expKmfdoo28"></iframe><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">Watch their reactions. Listen to their words. It's not easy to look at the headlines and twitter videos and think that there is an abundance of affection in this nation right now. For all of the animus, distrust, and strife, we seem to have neglected the most powerful feeling that we as humans have been endowed with: love. That's the most basic simplification of why there are protests today: black people have so much love in their hearts, and they're sick of seeing that love cut down - senselessly, ruthlessly. Love - and the loss of love - is what provokes these strong reactions. We're constantly told that there is so much hate in the world. That might be true. But there is, at the same time, so much love in the world, and it's so clearly on display in the video posted above. <br /><br />There's even more: Boseman made Black Panther while he was still in stage III, then made more movies after that. He visited and comforted children with terminal cancer, giving them a chance to meet a hero, to know that someone powerful knew of them and cared for them before they went into darkness. Remember those hideous pieces that explained that he looked so tired while doing the Wakanda Forever pose on the red carpet because he was exhausted by Marvel fans? No one seemed to consider what he was going through. No one seemed to consider that he knew his time on this plane of existence was limited, and he selflessly devoted what remained of his life toward enriching other people's lives through his performances and his charitable acts. That's what a hero does.<br /><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXW4OFVUlYH-_9ypiLBXjRN3aUDKh15dF3w89k6t6hcD8AyC8eIyGng5Ujpa5xX6lRwXB4K_2wHi0i8tkDPlcX0NcgwEaNrKdtpG8BYsRh8YqhZ3briNp6Zz8htFXD_e_nYmcio6dH8BAf/s1200/ABRPI2PGI66YG5ZVCE2BUSTBE4.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhXW4OFVUlYH-_9ypiLBXjRN3aUDKh15dF3w89k6t6hcD8AyC8eIyGng5Ujpa5xX6lRwXB4K_2wHi0i8tkDPlcX0NcgwEaNrKdtpG8BYsRh8YqhZ3briNp6Zz8htFXD_e_nYmcio6dH8BAf/s640/ABRPI2PGI66YG5ZVCE2BUSTBE4.jpg" width="640" /></a><br /><br />In his life, Chadwick Boseman was a hero to people who desperately needed one. His death has not changed that; he lives in our hearts and souls as an example of what we can be, of the greatness that we must strive toward because we <i>can</i> strive toward that greatness. Most importantly, he will live on as a hero handed down to this nation's children and grandchildren. He will be an example listed alongside Sidney Poitier, James Earl Jones, Morgan Freeman, and Louis Gossett, Jr.<br /><br />Chadwick Boseman reigns over the past, present, and future. That's a pretty impressive kingdom.</div><br /></div>Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-7962675810374345712020-04-15T23:56:00.000-05:002020-04-17T22:26:47.317-05:00My Memory of Super Bowl XLIX<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJWlmxmYEHp8gcMBgnOzdT3wcax99r4fLfaP2IeyQVw0grAdM2qKIaXQ-Qv49kp4rzZM4EErvuY6j4xbS98gt34aORnRhdohXlK8bp48LYVx-qc7z2nakMHp9hkVvRB81nkw1rx5ythpxt/s1600/matchup-bg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="955" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiJWlmxmYEHp8gcMBgnOzdT3wcax99r4fLfaP2IeyQVw0grAdM2qKIaXQ-Qv49kp4rzZM4EErvuY6j4xbS98gt34aORnRhdohXlK8bp48LYVx-qc7z2nakMHp9hkVvRB81nkw1rx5ythpxt/s640/matchup-bg.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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It's astounding, sometimes, the things that stick with us over the years. We each have a small collection of "I remember where I was when..." moments; they could be 9/11, the birth of a child, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, meeting the woman who would become your wife, etc. These memories are personal, and indelibly stamped on our hippocampi. I'd like to share one of my memories with you today. It's the story of where I was during Super Bowl XLIX.<br />
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I was living overseas at the time, in Yeongtong, South Korea. Yeongtong is a small suburb of Suwon, about an hour-ish from Seoul if you take the subway. I had been working as an English teacher at a private academy called The Ian School. Moving to South Korea was the best decision I ever made. It was the best year of my life, without a doubt (and not just because the Pats won a championship).<br />
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At the time, I was teaching a group of six-year-olds. We had a rule at The Ian School - when you're in the classroom, you have to speak English. No Korean allowed. It's one of those English language immersion programs, and it works wonders. I'd put my students up against anyone else in Suwon. Now, you're familiar with the time zone difference between South Korea and the east coast of the United States, right? South Korea is about 12-13 hours ahead of the east coast of the US. This is important: I did not get to watch Super Bowl XLIX on a television at night with friends, family, and nachos. I was working. Sunday evening for you guys meant Monday morning for me, and I had to teach phonics and listen to a bunch of 6-year-olds read a book about a talking alligator who was also an inventor.<br />
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Now, in fairness, I could have called out sick and watched the game at a nearby American bar, but it felt wrong to lie, and I knew the school didn't really have a substitute teacher for my class, so I showed up in my Patriots hoodie (sleeves intact; the weather gets a bit frosty in South Korea during February) and proceeded to ignore the students for most of the morning. I was able to watch the game on my phone - I'm not entirely sure how - but I must have sucked down most of the school's WiFi while frenetically pacing around the classroom. The kids - who were marvelous, and very kind, and very patient - asked me a variety of questions that probably had something to do with my job, but were plainly ignored because they had nothing to do with Nate Solder missing his blocks on Michael Bennett. When Malcolm Butler tipped that pass and Jermaine Kearse caught it anyway, I collapsed on the hardwood floor. The students asked me "Teacher, are you okay?" "Teacher, what's wrong?" "Teacher, the alligator invented a telephone th-" which I'm not even sure I could react to. My friends texted me "hey, are you gonna be okay?" because they thought it was another helmet/Manningham catch. Hell, didn't we all?<br />
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Then it happened.<br />
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It's done. We're back. We did it. We're champs. We're the best. The texts quickly reverted back to "never mind, hope you rot, fuck you and fuck your team." The catharsis I felt in that moment was a rush of adrenaline I can't compare to almost anything else I've experienced. I don't know if I've ever been louder in my life. I was whooping, hollering, the kids were looking at each other and thinking "I don't think that's English," but they were just pleased as punch that I was happy. I had all the kids line up and give me a high five. Not sure I've ever given harder high fives than I did in that moment; I'd bet dollars to donuts one of those kids needed rotator cuff surgery afterwards. My father, who hadn't texted me the entire game, sent me only two words: "I'm shaking." After the morning classes, I walked down to the entrance of the school - where you took off your shoes and put on slippers, as is the custom - where my girlfriend was waiting for me. I wrapped my arms around her neck and barely choked "It's over. They won." She tolerated my exuberance; I realized that when she had no reaction to the Patriots signing Darrelle Revis earlier that season that she'd just never care. She was just happy that I was happy (I bought her a knockoff Brady jersey in Itaewon all the same). I've heard about being so happy you can cry, and I was almost at that point, but I was just <i>too</i> happy to cry. There was something different about the way the sun shone that day. Water tasted a bit colder, a bit more refreshing. The smell of fried street food was even sweeter. My jaw hurt from smiling so damned much.<br />
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It doesn't end there.<br />
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I had a class of 10-11 year-olds later in the day, one of my favorite classes. (A brief aside: this class featured my favorite student, Brian. For his first book report, his essay began with the words "I hate Hitler." I read it aloud to the class and told them "These are the three most important words you will ever learn in the English language.") The week leading up to the game, I promised them a pizza party if the Patriots won. There was an ulterior motive here: a good way to learn English is by reading current events. The kids were actually fairly diligent in researching American football, the teams involved, and the event itself. I like to think I left South Korea better than I found it - by turning a classroom of kids into Patriots fans.<br />
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Things have changed since then. That was five years ago. I've moved to Virginia, my girlfriend and I broke up, my mother died of cancer, I've taken a career as a content coordinator/knowledge engineer with Verizon Media, I started a podcast, and Brady's gone. That memory will stick with me for as long as I live, though. It's more cherished than some of my childhood memories. I think the best way to describe the effect of that win is this: the next season Brady got suspended for four games for his alleged involvement in the Deflategate scandal. I won't pretend like I was happy about it, but unlike most Patriots fans...I didn't really care. Go ahead, take four games from him. You'll never take that feeling away from me.<br />
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Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-19391992470605467252020-02-14T03:56:00.001-06:002020-02-14T03:56:21.252-06:00Give Louisa May Alcott Some Credit<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Ceci n'est pas une critique de <i>Little Women</i>.<br />
<a name='more'></a>Speaking personally, I don't know how to even approach a review of <i>Little Women</i>. Now, it's important to know that - for the purposes of this piece - I'm talking about the 2019 adaptation of <i>Little Women</i>. I'm not talking about the 1949 version. I'm not talking about the 1994 version. I'm not talking about the 1933 version. I'm not talking about the 2018 version or the 1918 version. I'm certainly not talking about the 1917 version.<br />
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No, I'm talking about the latest adaptation of one of the most famous books in the history of classic American literature. Greta Gerwig has received a tremendous amount of praise for her direction and screenplay, well-deserved. I had considered writing a review of the movie, which I liked, but as I collected my thoughts I realized most of my praise was really for the source material, rather than anything specifically having to do with the film. There are things this new version does better than the 1917, 1918, 1933, 1949, 1994, and 2018 versions, and I might go so far as to say this is the definitive film adaptation of <i>Little Women</i>. It only took us seven tries to do it right.<br />
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Something has bothered me about all the praise this latest iteration has received, however. I keep hearing praise for Gerwig, what a triumph for her, it's her best work so far. I've heard more than that, but I'll get to it later. Gerwig did a great job, but...there's just something missing from all this praise that's caught in my craw. Here, watch the trailer, see if you can tell what's bugging me:<br />
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Did you see it? Did you catch it? Did you see the part where it says who wrote the classic novel this movie was based on? It was at the very end, lost in the brick wall of credits, lower third, on the left. Barely on screen for two seconds. I needed a magnifying glass to see it. No chance you'll catch it without pausing. Ordinarily I'd've opened this piece with a pop quiz on who wrote <u>Little Women</u>, but I put the answer in the headline.<br />
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Louisa May Alcott wrote <u>Little Women</u>, and you should know that.<br />
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A lot of people I've talked to and read online have called this movie "Greta Gerwig's <i>Little Women</i>" and that really bothers me. She adapted the story into a screenplay, and yes, it's a good screenplay, but Louisa May Alcott wrote the story, she wrote the dialogue, she established the setting, she formulated the dilemmas and triumphs, and she created the characters. Jo, Meg, Beth, Amy - these are all the creation of Louisa May Alcott. Think about those names - Jo, Meg, Beth, Amy - as soon as you hear those names, you immediately think of the book <u>Little Women</u>.<br />
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You <i>have</i> read <u>Little Women</u>, haven't you? I mean, I know the United States is steadily becoming one of the more illiterate nations, and that overall literacy has dropped significantly over the years, and that most people read nothing more than the back of cereal boxes these days, but <i>of course</i> you've read <u>Little Women</u>, right? Mark Twain once said that a classic book is one that everyone has on his or her shelf, yet no one has actually read; yet surely you made a special exception for <u>Little Women</u>, right? One of the most important books in American literary history, one of the most critical advances for the cause of feminism, and one of the most beloved tales of sisterhood, love, and camaraderie <i>ever written</i>, right? Of course you have. You've probably read it more than once; you just forgot who wrote it. That's fine. Happens all the time, really.<br />
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In the future, could you just do us all a favor and remember Louisa May Alcott's name? She was an important woman. She deserves to be remembered. She did a lot more than just write <u>Little Women</u>, which is what she's most well-known for. She was also a staunch abolitionist, at a time when that was not a particularly popular position. She enlisted as an Army nurse during the Civil War. She rubbed elbows with Henry David Thoreau, Frederick Douglass, Ralph Waldo Emerson, and Nathaniel Hawthorne. She was one of the first American suffragettes. Louisa May Alcott is one of the most important citizens in this country's history, and she ought to be remembered alongside people like Emily Dickinson (also from Massachusetts).<br />
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I think it's important to pause for a moment here and mention that under no circumstances do I blame Greta Gerwig. It's not her fault, and it's not the movie's fault. On the contrary, the 2019 adaptation of <i>Little Women</i> does an excellent job giving the original author credit. It begins with a quote from Louisa May Alcott. Approximately five minutes into the movie there's a cover of the book <u>Little Women</u> with a barely legible "L.M. Alcott" on the cover for a full three seconds. She even gets the second credit at the end of the movie, and Gerwig's credit specifically says "written for the screen". This is all good enough for me, but the movie actually takes the extra step and incorporates Alcott's credit into the narrative structure. It's made abundantly clear that the novel was semi-autobiographical, and Jo (played admirably by Saoirse Ronan) is very obviously a stand-in for Alcott (this becomes even more clear toward the end of the movie).<br />
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With all that being said, why am I even bothering to write this piece? If the movie gives Louisa May Alcott credit, isn't that enough? Am I getting worked about something that doesn't really matter? Not even close, I'm afraid. I will never calm down and I will never log off. The trailer not giving the author enough credit is bad enough, but I think my qualms lie with us: the viewers. You simply cannot <i>imagine</i> how many people I talked to who watched <i>Little Women</i> - some who even watched the movie with me - who did not know who Alcott was after the movie was over. It's genuinely alarming. They watched the movie - they saw her name repeatedly, they saw how Jo represented the author, they saw the second credit, and they still didn't bother to consider that Alcott was the one who wrote the book. I shudder to think this, but it might be true - maybe they didn't think that was important. When Jo says "I want to own my work," I thought that was the best quote in the whole movie. I feel that owning your work goes beyond copyright, though - it means people associate the story and the characters with your name, just as easily as we associate Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn with Mark Twain, or Harry Potter and Voldemort with J.K. Rowling, or Dr. Victor Frankenstein withg Mary Shelley. Those are characters and authors you immediately recognize - Jo, Beth, Meg, Amy, and Louisa May Alcott ought to be there, especially those of you who watched about them. The only ones who knew who she was were on my trivia team, and I expect them to know it.<br /><br />But her name shouldn't be relegated to trivia. Trivia means little stuff, stuff that doesn't matter, stuff you randomly happen to remember in case you get asked about it on a Tuesday quiz night at a pizza joint. Her name deserves to stand throughout history. It deserves to be remembered. The fault isn't with Hollywood for neglecting to put her name front and center where it belongs. The problem is with you and me. We need to read the book as well as watch the movie. We need to talk about her more - just get her name out there, if anything. We need to read <i>about</i> her. We need to read her other work, too.<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Finally, a <i>true</i> classic</td></tr>
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Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-69374710310085107372020-02-07T14:11:00.000-06:002020-02-07T15:12:47.665-06:00The Oscar Voters are Cowards<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The Oscars are this Sunday and I am livid. Outraged. Incensed. Peeved. During my lifetime I’ve watched the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences prove again and again that they are out of touch. Remnants of a different era, shambling along past their expiration date; a dozen Crypt Keepers who stay frozen in stasis only to be thawed out once a year to pull the lever that says racism is cancelled. They are a relic that needs to be thrown into the trash, and that was made apparent by the complete and total absence of <span style="font-style: italic;">Dragon Ball Super: Broly</span> at the awards.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Cowardice.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">There is no other word for it. If they’re not cowards then they’re shit for brain morons. Which would you rather be? Call it ignorance or stupidity, either way there is no excuse for disregarding a film of such significance. It made over 100 million dollars at the box office and is one of the highest grossing anime films of all time. <i>Casablanca </i>made less than 4 million dollars and that's supposed to be some kind of untouchable classic? No, I will not adjust for inflation. Sorry, I don't grade on a curve. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And yet it is shut out. Nary a nomination to be found. The Academy of Motion Pictures Farts and Cry-ances made the bone-headed decision not to nominate it for Best Picture. I was taught that if you see something, you say something. Well I'm screaming fire in the packed movie theater because that's what this movie is. I'm shouting it from the mountaintops. I'm here and I'm pissed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Frauds.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Every single nominee pales in comparison to what <span style="font-style: italic;">Broly</span> offers. <span style="font-style: italic;">1917</span>? Oh wow, a movie about the past. That's what I want to do, continue to look backwards instead of looking forward to what is possible in the future, a future where both Broly and Gogeta are canon. You want a war? How about the greatest war of all: the war of ideas found in <span style="font-style: italic;">Broly</span>, breathing new life into the Saiyan mythos. If I wanted a history lesson I'd read a book, but only the kinds that are read right to left.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Ford v Ferrari? Dragon Ball Z</span> perfected stories about cars years ago. This is a waste of time and money for everyone involved. Unless your car movie involves Piccolo or Vin Diesel or Piccolo played by Vin Diesel, don't even bother. Time is zeni and I don't plan on going broke.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Irishman?</span> The day I watch a 3 and a half hour movie that doesn't have a single person getting scream punched through an iceberg is the day I'm lowered six feet into the fucking dirt.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Jojo Rabbit?</span> Unless this is a follow up story about Boss Carrot then I don't see any reason why I should waste my time. Wow, a movie about a kid and his imaginary friend, Hitler? When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. His name was Goku and he saved the world. He also busted in his wife and then chose to stay dead, unlike Hitler who busted alongside his wife in a bunker. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Joker?</span> One movie is a movie about a man who has been beaten down his entire life by both his parental guardian and the world around him. A sad look at a man who has been failed every step of the way and given no chance to succeed in the world, kicked in the gut from birth until he violently lashes out. The other movie is <span style="font-style: italic;">Joker</span>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Little Women?</span> I literally don't understand the point of a movie where the women aren't 500 feet tall and crushing me with their heels. This gets celebrated for being a period piece about a couple of dames writing a novel or whatever yet <span style="font-style: italic;">Broly</span> is a period piece about the last days of the Saiyans and is snubbed. You want to know someone else who wrote a novel? Akira Fucking Toriyama. And it was so good he forgot half the characters. Could this snub be because the Saiyans are a warrior race? Oscars So White indeed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Marriage Story?</span> People get married and divorced all the time. Whoop dee fuck. My parents split up and nobody made a movie out of it, it just meant my dad would let be buy the uncut DBZ tapes from Suncoast so I’d like him more than Mom. I'm supposed to care about the marriage of Black Widow and Kylo Ren but ignore the fact that the marriage of the Godlike abilities of Goku and Vegeta into one unstoppable being is absent? Gogeta and Broly punch each other so hard that it shatters reality, but I'm supposed to be emotionally invested in that skinny dweeb from <span style="font-style: italic;">Girls</span> punching a wall. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Once Upon a Time in Hollywood?</span> The 60's are over, old man. The sycophants in charge at the Academy would rather jack off a movie that waxes poetic about how great Hollyweird used to be for 4 hours instead of embracing change. Oh wow, the actor is sad. Who gives a shit? Goku would never need a stunt man and Charles Manson would get dusted by the farmer that met Raditz. Absolute junk.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Parasite?</span> Ok well actually I may have gone too far. <span style="font-style: italic;">Parasite</span> is pretty cool. <span style="font-style: italic;">Broly</span> is a movie with so much depth that it's refreshing to kick back and watch a movie like <span style="font-style: italic;">Parasite</span> that doesn't have any subtext.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">Super: Broly</span> is a transcendent experience. A feast for the eyes. A phantasmagorical trip that will make you laugh, cry, and no hand ejac. Don't let the stooges in charge or the Cheeto in Chief tell you you're wrong for feeling what you're feeling. Never apologize for speaking the truth. <span style="font-style: italic;">Broly</span> isn't just the best picture, it has the best actors and best actresses. The best score, best cinematography, best screenplay. It is a clean sweep for every single category that exists, has ever existed or will ever existed. Well, all but one. I couldn't give a shit about Best Foreign Language Film. Sorry, I don't read movies.</span></div>
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-37903928127257351172020-01-23T01:52:00.000-06:002020-01-23T01:52:10.083-06:00Horror Movies in 2020 - What Do You Mean Chris Rock Is In A Saw Movie?<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The world is terrible and literally on fire, but at least we have horror movies. A new decade of #content is dawning, and I am waiting with open arms to be showered in remakes, sequels, sequels to remakes, and giant monsters. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sure not everything will be great, but I am unbelievably excited for the upcoming year. 2020 is filled with absolute bangers - even in January - and if only half of the movies on this page end up being good it will still end up being a fantastic year. I am depressingly pessimistic about everything else in my life (for good reason) but I am ready for a great year of film. I'm ready to get my heart broken, baby. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Summaries in quotes and italics are taken from IMDb.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Grudge</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">January 3</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Nicolas Pesce</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Nicolas Pesce, Jeff Buhler, Takashi Shimizu</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Andrea Riseborough, Demián Bichir, John Cho, Betty Gilpin, Lin Shaye, Jacki Weaver</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"After a young mother murders her family in her own house, a single mother and young detective tries to investigate and solve the case. Later, she discovers the house is cursed by a vengeful ghost that dooms those who enter it with a violent death. Now, she runs to save herself and her son from demonic spirits from the cursed house in her neighborhood.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’ll be honest with you Gentle Reader, the first trailer had me less than thrilled. “Oh boy,” I said aloud in an empty room, “A remake of a remake that's nothing but jump scares being dumped into the first week of January.” I'm not huge on jump scare reliant movies, but I get it. Every movie loosely associated with those damn <span style="font-style: italic;">Conjurings</span> the kids love so much end up grossing 100 times whatever their budget was, regardless of quality. So yeah, I get it. But the final trailer stirred something deep in my loins. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Grudge</span> looks like it’s going to be a lot less meowing Japanese child and a lot more gruesome body horror. Writer/director Nicolas Pesce’s debut <span style="font-style: italic;">The Eyes of My Mother</span> and last year’s follow up <span style="font-style: italic;">Piercing</span> both demonstrated his ability to conjure up gruesome images that make you say “hey what the fuck cut that out,” so I’m going to go against all of my better judgement and say I’m excited for this. Please don’t make fun of me if I’m wrong.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Update from <a href="https://www.thewrap.com/the-grudge-becomes-20th-film-to-receive-an-f-on-cinemascore/">The Wrap</a>:</span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ah, nerts</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Underwater</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">January 10</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: William Eubank</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Adam Cozad, Brian Duffield</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Kristen Stewart, Jessica Henwick, Vincent Cassel, John Gallagher Jr., Mamoudou Athie, T.J. Miller</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A crew of aquatic researchers work to get to safety after an earthquake devastates their subterranean laboratory. But the crew has more than the ocean seabed to fear."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Y'all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I had no idea this movie existed before being blessed with a trailer for it in front of <span style="font-style: italic;">Knives Out</span> and I was woefully unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions. What begins as slight confusion towards the existence of a deep sea exploration movie starring Kristen Stewart turns to childlike glee at the reveal that they are trapped underwater and being attacked by monsters. I kick my feet like a toddler in his high chair as I’m overwhelmed at the realization that I’m most likely going to get to see a water critter graphically murder T.J. Miller.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The icing on the cake? This movie was shot in 2017 and is getting dumped into January 3 years later. I couldn’t be more excited.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Turning</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">January 24</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Floria Sigismondi</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Carey W. Hayes, Chad Hayes, Henry James (novel)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Mackenzie Davis, Finn Wolfhard, Brooklynn Prince, Joely Richardson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A young governess is hired by a man who has become responsible for his young nephew and niece after the deaths of their parents. A modern take on Henry James' novella 'The Turn of the Screw'."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Body horror...monsters...what are we missing? Spooky kids, of course. Luckily January is a smorgasbord of delectable horror treats. It truly is a wonderful time to be alive. Mackenzie Davis takes on a nanny job at a giant house in Maine that definitely isn’t haunted where she watches over two orphans who also definitely are not haunted. I haven’t read a book in twenty years so I don’t know how the story ends, but whatever it is can’t possibly be scarier than Finn Wolfhard’s voice dropping.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Color Out of Space</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">January 24</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Richard Stanley</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Scarlett Amaris, Richard Stanley, H.P. Lovecraft (short story)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Nicolas Cage, Q'orianka Kilcher, Joely Richardson, Tommy Chong</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A story of cosmic terror about The Gardners, a family who moves to a remote farmstead in rural New England to escape the hustle of the 21st century. They are busy adapting to their new life when a meteorite crashes into their front yard. The mysterious aerolite seems to melt into the earth, infecting both the land and the properties of space-time with a strange, otherworldly color. To their horror, the Gardner family discover that this alien force is gradually mutating every life form that it touches...including them."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t even have to write anything, you're seeing it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Gretel & Hansel</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">January 31</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Oz Perkins</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Rob Hayes</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Sophia Lillis, Jessica de Gouw, Alice Krige, Ian Kenny, Charles Babalola</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A long time ago in a distant fairy tale countryside, a young girl leads her little brother into a dark wood in desperate search of food and work, only to stumble upon a nexus of terrifying evil."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t think I necessarily <span style="font-style: italic;">need</span> an A24-style retelling of Hansel and Gretel but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t into it. Oz Perkins directed <span style="font-style: italic;">The Blackcoat's Daughter,</span> which has been lingering in my head ever since I first saw it a couple of years back. I'm willing to follow him on a movie idea that doesn't necessarily jump out at me, but I can't stress enough to absolutely not make fun of me if I'm wrong and it ends up being terrible. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Lodge</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">February 7</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Severin Fiala, Veronika Franz</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Sergio Casci, Severin Fiala, Veronika Franz</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Jaeden Martell, Riley Keough, Lia McHugh, Richard Armitage, Alicia Silverstone</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A soon-to-be stepmom is snowed in with her fiancé's two children at a remote holiday village. Just as relations begin to thaw between the trio, some strange and frightening events take place."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This right here. This is the perfect scientific concoction of a movie that I desperately want to see as soon as possible while at the same time dreading the experience. The seclusion of the characters in a snowed in lodge is going to have me chewing through my nails in a dark theater. Everything about this seems like my shit. You've got the <span style="font-style: italic;">Goodnight Mommy</span> team so you know they're great at working with creepy kids. You've got two kids who actively hate their new step mom. You've got said family being snowed in and trapped in a lodge in the middle of nowhere. You have the phrase "mass cult suicide." My body is not even close to ready.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Fantasy Island</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">February 14</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Jeff Wadlow</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Jeff Wadlow, Jillian Jacobs, Christopher Roach</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Lucy Hale, Maggie Q, Michael Peña, Portia Doubleday, Austin Stowell, Ryan Hansen, Jimmy O. Yang, Michael Rooker</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"The enigmatic Mr. Roarke, makes the secret dreams of his lucky guests come true at a luxurious but remote tropical resort. But when the fantasies turn into nightmares, the guests have to solve the island's mystery in order to escape with their lives.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Thank you, Blumhouse. This is exactly my kind of trash. Pick up that dumpster filled with <span style="font-style: italic;">Unfriended</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Truth or Dare</span> and empty it precisely onto my stupid face. I am a filthy little piggy and I want to roll around in this PG-13 horror slop. Not only did they greenlight the premise "what if monkeys paw, but at a hotel," but they brought back the writer/director of <span style="font-style: italic;">Truth or Dare</span> to helm it and cast Lucy Hale, the MVP of insane drama meant for teenagers that I consume as I enter my 30s. I can’t wait to see it on Valentine’s Day with my human girlfriend who is real.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Brahms: The Boy II</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">February 21</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: William Brent Bell</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Stacey Menear</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Katie Holmes, Ralph Ineson, Owain Yeoman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"After a family moves into the Heelshire Mansion, their young son soon makes friends with a life-like doll called Brahms."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If there’s one thing I love about horror, it’s how franchises are born solely because they can. Did the first movie only make 30 million worldwide? Doesn’t matter, it only cost 10 to make. And thus a series is birthed into the ether. Do you remember <span style="font-style: italic;">The Boy</span>? It came out January 2016 and while it looked like a predictable haunted doll movie, I was pleasantly surprised by it. Call it low expectations but I enjoyed it. Well here’s a sequel. And an endless barrage of cheap jump scares. And Katie Holmes. Fuck you, you’ll see it. And you’ll see <span style="font-style: italic;">The Boy 3</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">The Boy 4</span>. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Invisible Man</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">February 28</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Leigh Whannell</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Leigh Whannell, H.G. Wells (novel)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Elisabeth Moss, Aldis Hodge, Oliver Jackson-Cohen, Storm Reid, Harriet Dyer</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"When Cecilia's abusive ex takes his own life and leaves her fortune, she suspects his death was a hoax. As a series of coincidences turn lethal, Cecilia works to prove that she is being hunted by someone nobody can see."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This looks like an absolute banger. On paper you see “Universal tries to do the Dark Universe for the third time” and you can’t do the jerk off motion fast enough, but this might be one of my most anticipated movies of the year. I love the conceit of the invisible man faking his own death and then using his invisibility to D.E.N.N.I.S. the living shit out of Elisabeth Moss for 90 minutes and driving her insane. There are a lot of movies I’m cautiously optimistic for this year, but I’m going to pretty upset if this one isn’t good. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">A Quiet Place: Part II</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">March 20</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: John Krasinski</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: John Krasinski, Scott Beck, Bryan Woods</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Emily Blunt, Millicent Simmonds, Noah Jupe, Djimon Hounsou, Cillian Murphy</span></div>
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<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Following the events at home, the Abbott family now face the terrors of the outside world. Forced to venture into the unknown, they realize that the creatures that hunt by sound are not the only threats that lurk beyond the sand path."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I don’t know if I really need a follow up to <span style="font-style: italic;">A Quiet Place</span>, but like I said before, that’s never stopped horror before. Honestly I really don’t see any need for this. Like at all. The flashbacks to the first day of the attack could be interesting but if we’re being real I got everything I needed in Part One. I don’t need to see how it all happened. I liked the first one for what it was but never felt a lingereing reason to revist this world. Maybe I’ll be wrong. At least it has Krasinski returning to write and direct, so it feels much less like a shitty cash in. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-538895427/episode-xli-a-quiet-place">You can listen to our episode on <i>A Quiet Place </i>here.</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The New Mutants</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 3</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Josh Boone</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Josh Boone, Knate Lee</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Maisie Williams, Alice Braga, Charlie Heaton, Blu Hunt, Henry Zaga</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I've been writing this preview since 2017, I’ll believe it when I see it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Antlers</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 17</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Scott Cooper</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Scott Cooper, C. Henry Chaisson, Nick Antosca (short story)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Keri Russell, Jesse Plemons, Jeremy T. Thomas, Graham Greene, Scott Haze, Rory Cochrane, Amy Madigan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A small-town Oregon teacher and her brother, the local sheriff, become entwined with a young student harboring a dangerous secret with frightening consequences."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Another movie that looks like it was created solely to appeal to me. Spooky ass kid, monsters, people going missing, Guillermo del Toro producing. The most baffling part about all this is looking at director Scoot Cooper’s earlier works. He’s directed 4 movies prior to this: <span style="font-style: italic;">Crazy Heart, Out of the Furnace, Black Mass,</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Hostiles.</span> He made a movie about Jeff Bridges singing country music, Christian Bale searching for his brother Casey Affleck, Johnny Depp as a mob boss, and Christian Bale in 1892. So yeah, my first choice for <span style="font-style: italic;">Is This Kid Makin Monsters: The Motion Picture. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Antebellum</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">April 24</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Gerard Bush, Christopher Renz</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Gerard Bush, Christopher Renz</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Janelle Monáe, Eric Lange, Jena Malone, Jack Huston, Kiersey Clemons, Gabourey Sidibe</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Successful author Veronica finds herself trapped in a horrifying reality and must uncover the mind-bending mystery before it's too late."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A black woman finds herself trapped in an alternate reality where she’s a slave working a plantation? This looks like the kind of movie that is going to make some of my extended family Incredibly Mad Online. It’s a cool concept, I just don’t know how they’re going to make a full length film out of a debate over states’ rights.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Organ Donor (Saw 9)</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">May 15</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Darren Lynn Bousman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Chris Rock, Pete Goldfinger, Josh Stolberg</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Chris Rock, Samuel L. Jackson, Marisol Nichols, Max Minghella</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The thing I’m most looking forward to in 2020 is the day this trailer drops and the entire world learns at the same time that a <span style="font-style: italic;">Saw</span> movie written by Chris Rock and starring Samuel L. Jackson is coming out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Candyman</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">June 12</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Nia DaCosta</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Jordan Peele, Win Rosenfeld, Clive Barker</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Colman Domingo, Teyonah Parris, Nathan Stewart-Jarrett, Tony Todd</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A "spiritual sequel" to the 1992 horror film 'Candyman' that returns to the now-gentrified Chicago neighborhood where the legend began."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It really is a shame that <span style="font-style: italic;">Candyman</span> doesn’t get any love outside of sweaty horror nerds like yours truly. Jordan Peele’s name being attached to this should give it some long overdue recognition, as Tony Todd deserves the world and so far we have failed him. I’m really into the idea of this being connected to the original (we don’t have to discuss the two sequels) and returning to the same neighborhood and finding it to be a gentrified nightmare. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Purge 5</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">July 10</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Everardo Gout</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: James DeMonaco</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Ana de la Reguera, Tenoch Huerta, Gregory Zaragoza</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A wise man once said “I know writers who use subtext and they’re all cowards.” That’s why I love <span style="font-style: italic;">The Purge</span> franchise. 4 movies and a TV series that have all of the subtlety of showing the government paying a white militia to kill people on Purge night. DeMonaco has written every movie in the series and returns to pen what he is claiming is the conclusion. That’s a shame, because this kind of exploitation hits me right in that sweet spot and I could watch one of these every couple of years no problem. The final <span style="font-style: italic;">Purge</span> movie on an election year during this presidency? GO ahead and jam that right into my eyeballs. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Ghostbusters: Afterlife</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">July 10</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Jason Reitman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Jason Reitman, Gil Kenan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Mckenna Grace, Finn Wolfhard, Carrie Coon, Paul Rudd</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"When a single mom and her two kids arrive in a small town, they begin to discover their connection to the original Ghostbusters and the secret legacy their grandfather left behind."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2016/07/ghostbusters-2016-review.html">Looking forward to potentially having the second good <span style="font-style: italic;">Ghostbusters</span> movie.</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Morbius</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">July 31</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Daniel Espinosa</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Matt Sazama, Burk Sharpless</span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Jared Leto, Adria Arjona, Matt Smith, Jared Harris, Tyrese Gibson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Biochemist Michael Morbius tries to cure himself of a rare blood disease, but he inadvertently infects himself with a form of vampirism instead."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You see what you did? This is what happens when you all go see <span style="font-style: italic;">Venom</span> ironically. It ends up ironically making 800 millions dollars and we have a whole new god damned ironic Sony Spider-Man Villains Cinematic Universe with Jared Leto as a vampire. You have no one to blame but yourselves.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Malignant</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">August 14</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: James Wan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: James Wan, Ingrid Bisu</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Annabelle Wallis<span style="font-weight: bold;">,</span> Maddie Hasson<span style="font-weight: bold;">,</span> George Young, Jake Abel, Michole Briana White, Jacqueline McKenzie</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Seriously I’ve never heard of this but I guess it’s coming out this Summer? I can’t find anything about the plot except that it’s based on a graphic novel that was also written by James Wan. Let me just mosey on over to Amazon to see what it’s about.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Alan Gates, a cancer patient with a terminal diagnosis, is resigned to his fate...until he discovers that his tumor is actually a mysterious parasite! Granted a second lease on life and incredible, otherworldly powers, Alan must fight against an evil army buried beneath society's skin, all the while unlocking the secrets of his forgotten past. Dark, twisted, and unique, MALIGNANT MAN is a sci-fi thriller that can't be missed!”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I for one support any director getting a Blank Check movie to make whatever weirdo vision he wants. The graphic novel is from 2011 and Wan has enough clout after making 2 movies that each grossed over a billion dollars and jump-starting several long running franchises to do whatever he wants. And you know, I respect that. Your movies are single handedly keeping Warner Bros relevant, make whatever weirdo superhero thing you want. I sure as hell wouldn’t want to be the exec that turns him down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Monster Hunter</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">September 4</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Paul W.S. Anderson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Paul W.S. Anderson, Kaname Fujioka (video game series)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Milla Jovovich, Tony Jaa, Meagan Good, Diego Boneta, T.I., Ron Perlman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"When Lt. Artemis and her loyal soldiers are transported to a new world, they engage in a desperate battle for survival against enormous enemies with incredible powers. Feature film based on the video game by Capcom."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Video game movie? Paul W.S. Anderson? Milla Jovovich? God dammit, at some point we’re going to have to come together and make a pact to stop seeing these things…I say as I glance towards my shelf with all six (!) <span style="font-style: italic;">Resident Evil</span> movies sitting snuggly behind me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Conjuring: The Devil Made Me Do It</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">September 11</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Michael Chaves</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: David Leslie Johnson-McGoldrick</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Vera Farmiga, Patrick Wilson, Sterling Jerins, Ruairi O’Connor, Sarah Catherine Hook, Julian Hilliard, Charlene Amoia</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">"The Devil Made Me Do It</span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;"> reveals a chilling story of terror, murder and unknown evil that shocked even experienced real-life paranormal investigators </span><span style="color: #0b0080;"><span style="font-size: 14px;"><i>Ed and Lorraine Warren</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;"> (</span><span style="color: #0b0080;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><i>Patrick Wilson</i></span></span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;"> and </span><span style="color: #0b0080;"><span style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px;"><i>Vera Farmiga</i></span></span><span style="color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-ligatures: normal; orphans: 2; widows: 2;">). One of the most sensational cases from their files, it starts with a fight for the soul of a young boy, then takes them beyond anything they'd ever seen before, to mark the first time in U.S. history that a murder suspect would claim demonic possession as a defense.</span></span></div>
<div style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; padding-left: 1.6em; text-align: left; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.5em; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">— </span><span style="color: #0b0080;"><span style="line-height: 1.5em;"><i>Warner Bros. Pictures</i></span></span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; line-height: 1.5em; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> and </span><span style="color: #0b0080;"><span style="line-height: 1.5em;"><i>New Line Cinema</i></span></span><span style="font-size: 14px; font-style: italic;">"</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I know what you’re thinking: who asked for this and why? Let me stop you right there. Take a gander at this excerpt from The Conjuring Universe’s Wikipedia page:</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">"The franchise has been commercially successful, having grossed a combined $1.9</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: nowrap; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">billion against a combined budget of $139.5</span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: nowrap; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> </span><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">million, becoming the second </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_highest-grossing_horror_films" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" title="List of highest-grossing horror films">highest-grossing horror franchise ever</a><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"> behind </span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Godzilla_%28franchise%29" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-image: none; color: #0b0080; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;" title="Godzilla (franchise)">Godzilla</a><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; color: #222222; font-size: 14px; font-style: italic; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;">."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">Just let that wash over you for a minute. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">So that</span><span style="caret-color: rgb(34, 34, 34); color: #222222;">’</span><span style="color: #222222;">s why there’s a third</span> <span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic;">Conjuring</span> <span style="color: #222222;">after last year’s third</span> <span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic;">Annabelle</span><span style="color: #222222;"> and why there’s a second</span> <span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic;">Nun</span> <span style="color: #222222;">on the way. It doesn’t matter what the plot is. It doesn’t matter who made it. This is the first</span> <span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic;">Conjuring</span> <span style="color: #222222;">movie not directed by James Wan. He handed the reins over to Michael Chaves, who directed</span> <span style="color: #222222; font-style: italic;">The Curse of La Llorona</span><span style="color: #222222;">. Stop laughing. It could be directed by me and be 2 hours of a family looked scared while doors slam and picture frames fall off the wall. It’s still going to make its budget back fifty times over. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="color: #222222;">...But with that said I’m still going to see it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Last Night in Soho</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">September 25</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Edgar Wright</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Edgar Wright, Krysty Wilson-Cairns</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Matt Smith, Thomasin McKenzie, Diana Rigg, Terence Stamp</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"A young girl, passionate in fashion design, is mysteriously able to enter the 1960s where she encounters her idol, a dazzling wannabe singer. But 1960s London is not what it seems, and time seems to fall apart with shady consequences."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Edgar Wright returning to horror in a movie involving time travel, starring Anya Taylor-Joy, and directly citing <span style="font-style: italic;">Don’t Look Now</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Repulsion</span> as inspirations. If this is bad I’m going to be inconsolable for months.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Venom 2</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">October 2</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Andy Serkis</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Kelly Marcel</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Tom Hardy, Stephen Graham, Woody Harrelson, Michelle Williams, Reid Scott, Naomie Harris</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Was <span style="font-style: italic;">Venom</span> good? Not particularly. Do I watch it every time I come across it on TV? Absolutely. Will I pay money to see this solely to see Woody Harrelson play Carnage? 1000%</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Witches</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">October 9</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Robert Zemeckis</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Robert Zemeckis, Kenya Barris, Roald Dahl (novel), Allan Scott (1990 screenplay)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Anne Hathaway, Stanley Tucci, Octavia Spencer, Chris Rock</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"Based on Roald Dahl's 1983 classic book 'The Witches', the story tells the scary, funny and imaginative tale of a seven year old boy who has a run in with some real life witches!"</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I couldn’t tell you a single thing about the original movie version except that it was based on a Roald Dahl book. I couldn’t tell you when it came out. I couldn’t tell you who directed it. I couldn’t tell you who starred in it. I couldn’t tell you the plot. I couldn’t tell you a single thing about it. Except that scene. I will never forget that scene for as long as I live. If this reinterpretation has anything that terrifying then I support it 100 percent. Children need to get the shit scared out of them. They need to see a movie targeted to them that has something in it that will make their blood run cold when someone references it decades later. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Halloween Kills</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">October 16</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: David Gordon Green</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: David Gordon Green, Danny McBride, Scott Teems, John Carpenter (characters), Debra Hill (characters)</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Judy Greer, Anthony Michael Hall, Andi Matichak, Kyle Richards, Nick Castle </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"The saga of Michael Myers and Laurie Strode continues in the next thrilling chapter of the Halloween series."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: rgba(185, 185, 185, 0.0980392); font-size: 13px; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The second movie in the…new <span style="font-style: italic;">Halloween</span> trilogy written by David Gordon Green and Danny McBride? No, that can’t be right. The running theme of these posts is coulda, not shoulda, so after <span style="font-style: italic;">Halloween 18</span> releases to critical and commercial success Blumhouse announced not one, but two sequels. Sooooooo Laurie Strode and Michael Myers are back. I don’t really know what else to say. If this entry is good we might creep closer and closer to finally having as many good movies in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Halloween</span> series as bad ones. Don’t ask which ones are the good ones. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Busta Rhymes one. That’s the good one. <a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-538895427/episode-cxvi-halloween-resurrection">Here's our episode on it to prove it. </a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-538895427/episode-xvii-halloween-iii-season-of-the-witch">And here's the other good one, Halloween 3</a>.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Godzilla vs. Kong</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">November 20</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Adam Wingard</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Eric Pearson, Max Borenstein, Terry Rossio, Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Alexander Skarsgård, Millie Bobby Brown, Rebecca Hall, Brian Tyree Henry, Shun Oguri, Eiza González, Jessica Henwick, Julian Dennison, Kyle Chandler, Zhang Ziyi, Demián Bichir</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">"As the gigantic Kong meets the unstoppable Godzilla, the world watches to see which one of them will become King of the Monsters."</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Honest to God, if this isn’t good I’m going to need someone to do a wellness check. I would do anything for Godzilla, King Kong, or Adam Wingard. In that order. I don’t care how it happens or why it happens. I don’t care if it’s 90 minutes of them beating the shit out of each other or them beating the shit out of each other and then teaming up to beat the shit out of something bigger. I just need it. I need it more than I need oxygen. If we can’t a massive studio budget version of <span style="font-style: italic;">King Kong vs Godzilla</span> then what is the point of film? Why even have movies? Why get out of bed in the morning? </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-538895427/episode-xcvii-godzilla-king-of-the-monsters">Our episode on 2019's Godzilla: King of the Monsters.</a> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Escape Room 2</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">November 30</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Directed by: Adam Robitel</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Fritz Böhm, Will Honley, Christine Lavaf, Maria Melnik, Bragi F. Schut, Daniel Tuch</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Starring: Taylor Russell, Indya Moore, Isabelle Fuhrman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh my God, why are there six writers for “Saw but with escape rooms”? I really dug the first movie, save for the ending which has to be the most blatant example of “wow this movie is screening well go film a sequel tease” that I’ve seen in a very long time. There were a lot of creative rooms in the first one and if they can keep that up I wouldn’t be upset at this being the new <span style="font-style: italic;">Saw</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Paranormal Activity</span> and I get to see one of these a year for the next four or five years. It’s a simple gimmick that can be expanded in a ton of creative ways. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 24px; font-weight: bold;">~ TBD ~</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Army of the Dead</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I’m not particularly fond of VISIONARY FILMMAKER ZACK SNYDER, nor the idea of him making a zombie movie with a blank check from Netflix, however I am incredibly fond of Dave Bautista shooting things in the head. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">The Coll3cted</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Marcus Dunstan checks in to a third entry to <span style="font-style: italic;">The Collector</span> series. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Collector</span> came in in 09 right in the midst of <span style="font-style: italic;">Saw</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Hostel</span> and was followed by up by a sequel in 2012. It had been quiet up until now but a third movie is on the way and I’m starting to get a little nostalgic for the bloody trap-based kills from a decade ago. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Spawn</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Todd McFarlane has been threatening us with years about a new cool, grim R rated <span style="font-style: italic;">Spawn</span> movie that is definitely not for kids or pussies. Real cool guy shit. It was quiet for a bit…and then McFarlane announced he would direct it himself. And Jamie Foxx is playing Spawn. Things were quiet again and I see why. I mean really who is this for? Who is going to want to see an overtly cynical R rated movie based on a comic book character. Now let me just crack open the newspaper and see how much money <span style="font-style: italic;">Joker</span> made. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Fear Street</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So here’s something to keep your eyes on. <span style="font-style: italic;">Fear Street</span> was R.L. Stine’s book series for kids that were too old to read <span style="font-style: italic;">Goosebumps</span> but weren’t ready to mess with the really heavy shit. The plan is for this movie to come out this June, but it will be part of a trilogy. And each movie in the trilogy will come out a month apart. So in theory we would have three movies over this summer about solving spooky small town mysteries. I dare say…I’m here for it. </span></div>
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<br />Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com11tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-29429522650526387212020-01-12T03:55:00.001-06:002020-01-12T08:06:25.812-06:00Cats - It's Like Singin' in the Rain, but Everyone Is a Cat. Also It Sucks.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv1nrczQnemyd5vOkSAqm-LC7enFDhN1HeBtdWs6Gcr7Fjg6GYpobo2KKfmi6CZgo5iYWvNacgjX_NBRfxftlvdsPQfwKQnUQuRb6tuzIgRqYspJbYqwnCbe60ZHaTQePpbg3u4Syh1pPg/s1600/cats-mainstage-mobile-1080x793-nowplaying-5dfbabea3c4f4-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="793" data-original-width="1080" height="290" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiv1nrczQnemyd5vOkSAqm-LC7enFDhN1HeBtdWs6Gcr7Fjg6GYpobo2KKfmi6CZgo5iYWvNacgjX_NBRfxftlvdsPQfwKQnUQuRb6tuzIgRqYspJbYqwnCbe60ZHaTQePpbg3u4Syh1pPg/s400/cats-mainstage-mobile-1080x793-nowplaying-5dfbabea3c4f4-1.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Written by: T.S. Eliot, Lee Hall, Tom Hooper, Andrew Lloyd Webber<br />
Directed by: Tom Hooper<br />
Starring: Francesca Hayward, Robbie Fairchild, Judi Dench, Ian McKellan, Idris Elba, James Corden, Rebel Wilson, Jason Derulo, Jennifer Hudson, Taylor Swift<br />
Budget: $90,000,000<br />
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Imagine, if you will, being kidnapped on a stereotypical dark and stormy night, where rain assaults the pavement, and you're tossed into a burlap sack and thrown into the backseat of a car. The car drives for awhile; how many miles or how many hours, you're not really sure, you're in such a daze. It finally skids to a halt and you get tossed out onto the concrete. You emerge from the sack and look out into the most desolate city alleyway you've ever seen, dimly lit only by the dingiest of street lamps - and what appear to be eyes, glowing in the distance, <i>watching you</i>. You're scared, you're wet, you're weak, you're alone - and then a hand reaches out of the distance and you hear a voice that asks: "Would you like to watch me make the Jellicle choice?"<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />By now, you - gentle reader - are probably more than well aware of the critical reception the major motion picture adaptation of <i>Cats</i> has received from the internet. The reviews have made for enjoyable reading, but most reviews seem to focus on the same thing: that the film has particularly hideous and at times unnerving CGI.<br />
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Before I go any further, it would probably help if I describe the Broadway musical that <i>Cats</i> is based on. Unfortunately, you guys are out of luck, because I'm far from an expert on this subject. I've seen the musical once on a rancid old VHS tape at a friend's house, and I wasn't able to follow it for the most part. I didn't like any of the songs, the story was incomprehensible, and the visual style <i>really </i>didn't appeal to me. In the stage show, all the performers dress up as cats, with skin tight outfits, stupid wigs, and bright makeup. Most people who know about <i>Cats</i> already know this; the only reason I'm even bothering to mention it is that I'm sorta banking on people being unfamiliar with a lousy musical at this point. The sooner the stage show production of <i>Cats</i> falls out of favor with the general public, the better.<br />
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The trailer hit in the summer of last year, and it was immediately mocked - for good reason. It looked hideous, it was edited poorly, and it was a movie no one ever asked for. I distinctly remember where I was when I first saw it; I was lying in bed, I'd just woken up, and the first thing I saw on Twitter was the <i>Cats</i> trailer. As soon as I saw Francesca Hayward's face plastered onto that body, I yelled "Fuck!" and threw my phone against the wall. I raced to the bathroom to check the mirror and make sure that I hadn't been turned into a cat-person as well by some freakish Dr. Moreauvian nightmare. Luckily, all was clear and I went back to watch the rest of the trailer while laughing hysterically, just like everyone else. <br />
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<tr><td> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRgguUccpd1DhYfow1rSOdcfpFPkcobwYdPtnsxCDokXfdEe4LKvxkdzS7QZA1j0reFq9YY2Yg7cyypwXVwQAV49UtIrYt3cVHvHoSAxLPPG2PatNOIeA5X9tIdYgbreSevpP_jeYm0pC/s1600/brace-yourselves-the-second-cats-movie-trailer-is-2-2045-1574198798-2_dblbig.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="415" data-original-width="625" height="265" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpRgguUccpd1DhYfow1rSOdcfpFPkcobwYdPtnsxCDokXfdEe4LKvxkdzS7QZA1j0reFq9YY2Yg7cyypwXVwQAV49UtIrYt3cVHvHoSAxLPPG2PatNOIeA5X9tIdYgbreSevpP_jeYm0pC/s400/brace-yourselves-the-second-cats-movie-trailer-is-2-2045-1574198798-2_dblbig.jpg" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="font-size: 12.8px;"> The whole movie looks like this. They did this on purpose.</td></tr>
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Strangely enough, it sorta stuck in the back of my mind as something I'd probably want to see, and perhaps even in a theater. You have to understand, I'm not a masochist, but I enjoy witnessing a good disaster every once in a while, even if it's an infuriating one like <i><a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2016/08/suicide-squad-review.html" target="_blank">Suicide Squad</a></i>. I don't often desire a movie to be bad, but sometimes it's nice to see a miserable idea for film explode like a zeppelin. There were a number of people were more amped to see <i>Cats</i> than they were to see <i>Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Skywalker</i>. As such, I ended up seeing <i>Cats</i> in theaters instead of <i>Little Women</i>. I'm a big-time executive, and I had to make a snap decision.<br />
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I'll do my best to describe the story, as I perceive it: Victoria is a cat. She gets abandoned in the middle of an alleyway in Britain, and she meets a gang of cats that call themselves the Jellicles. The Jellicle cats have three names - the names their human owners give them, their Jellicle names, and the names they give themselves that only they know. This is the least confusing part of the movie. Victoria meets a bunch of other cats who introduce themselves by way of bad songs and worse dances. This takes a little more than an hour, until all the cats decide to congregate in an abandoned theater. The oldest cat decides one cat shall die and be reborn in a new and better life. This cat takes a hot air balloon (in some productions it's a flying saucer) directly into the heart of the sun.<br />
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~fin~</div>
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I'm not making any of that up; watch the movie for yourself if you don't believe me. Some fans of the musical would insist there's more to it than that, that a) the songs tell the story of the community of the cats and b) meeting the cats is the real fun the musical. The problem with (a) is that this isn't really a story; there isn't any real progression from point A to point B. It's one thing to introduce a variety of characters, but if they're not going to do anything interesting or useful then you don't really have a storyline - emphasis on <u>line</u>. That's the key difference between <u>The Lord of the Rings</u> and <u>The Adventures of Tom Bombadil</u>. The problem with (b) is that none of these characters are likable or interesting in any capacity. Before I even bother to describe the characters - if I can, that's no guarantee at this juncture - I want to see if any of you out there can complete a little physical challenge I've concocted. It's not complicated; all you have to do is read the following list of names out loud without laughing:<br />
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<ul>
<li>Munkustrap</li>
<li>Bombalurina</li>
<li>Skimbleshanks</li>
<li>Bill Bailey</li>
<li>Mungojerrie</li>
<li>Grizabella</li>
<li>Rum Tum Tugger</li>
<li>Jennyanydots</li>
<li>Rumpleteazer</li>
<li>Bustopher Jones</li>
<li>Old Deuteronomy</li>
<li>Macavity</li>
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Not so easy, is it? I promise Mungojerrie isn't a portmanteau of two ethnic slurs. The names are bad enough (imagine naming a living creature "Rumpleteazer"), but the characters aren't even the slightest bit interesting. The Rum Tum Tugger (that was <a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/p/about.html" target="_blank">Big Bob Pataki</a>'s nickname in high school) is just curious and mercurial; whenever he's doing one thing, he'd rather be doing something else. Nobody could possibly care. Jennyanydots trains a bunch of cockroaches and mice to dance and march around for reasons hitherto unknown to the civilized world. Old Deuteronomy is just old, as far as I can tell. Most of the cats just hang out and do cat shit; there's really not a tremendous amount of substance here. The only mildly interesting cat is Macavity, the "villain" in this world, who is guilty of teleporting cats to a barge on the River Thames, thus making him the equivalent of this kid:</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">All this and more, in The Zone Where Normal Things Don't Happen Very Often</td></tr>
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Even then, I hardly know Macavity's motivations. He wants to be reborn, sure, but so does everyone else. I guess one could argue that the songs do the heavy lifting when it comes to revealing character, but a) there's really no point since the cats don't do anything productive and b) the lyrics are entirely asinine. Consider the case of Rum Tum Tugger's song, which is one of the most humiliating, because it begins with a pretty nice slap bass line, but is immediately ruined by utterly meaningless lyrics. Why should I care about Asparagus, the theater cat? He used to perform? Who could possibly care? Every song feels like Bob Dylan inserting more syllables than can fit into a bar. Everyone agrees "Memory" is the best song in the production, and it has nothing to do with cats. Worse yet, <i>because</i> it has nothing to do with cats, it grinds the show to a screeching halt. Great job, Andrew Lloyd Webber!<br />
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It gets worse, though: the songs are bad enough, but there are multiple moments featuring extended dance sequences. I'm not talking about the types of dances featured in <i>West Side Story</i>, which drove or illustrated the narrative in some capacity, but dances that do absolutely <i>nothing</i>. These are the types of dances where you get the unshakeable feeling that they're just there to fill time, that whoever oversaw this thing couldn't think of anything better to do, so they just inserted a four minute long tap dance sequence. I know dancing is a big part of the stage show, and many of the performers are talented dancers, but the whole thing is so uninteresting. Nothing's really happening while Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat is tapping his feet (paws?) besides the audience getting progressively more and more bored.<br />
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That's not to say that the performers are the problem, at least not knowingly. One of the things I talk about all the time is appreciation for noticeable effort. If I can see you put the work in, I'm usually going to be far kinder toward whatever you're doing, even if I don't love it. This applies to movies, music, literature, video games, sports, work, romance, you name it. It's very noticeable in this movie that the performers are trying their best to raise this dreck up to something watchable, but it's not easy. Naoimh Morgan is trying her best as Rumpleteazer, but she's still named Rumpleteazer, and the story isn't going anywhere. Francesca Hayward is very pretty, but her look of wonder and awe doesn't mirror the audience's looks of confusion and disgust as well as it ought to. Robbie Fairchild just <i>looks</i> at things the entire movie; he never really has anything to <i>do</i>. Jason Derulo is a very talented singer, but he still has to sing the line "But I'll leap in your lap in the middle of your sewing/For there's nothing I enjoy like a horrible muddle." Judi "Grandma Dried Apple Head" Dench makes uncomfortable Nala-esque sex eyes at Ian McKellan, who's the only one actually acting like a cat in this movie (do you really wanna see an octogenarian lick the back of his hand and go "meowmeowMEOW"? Me neither). I like that everyone's trying their best, but they can't save this movie. I almost feel bad for them - but that pity doesn't extend to every actor.<br />
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I do not know why Rebel Wilson is employed in the entertainment industry. She is not funny. She cannot sing. She cannot dance. She cannot act. She cannot tell jokes. I don't know how or why she keeps getting work when she ought to be a manager at a Denny's. To give her not only her own song, but space for "humorous" ad-libs and asides that weren't present in the original production just boggles the mind. James Corden might actually be worse; he never should have said yes to this. I've never watched his show, but I assume it's reasonably successful. He might be the only other character who's less funny than Rebel Wilson, which is one of the more humiliating failures of the movie. <br />
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Most of the "jokes" in the movie are cat puns. Has anyone alive today actually said the words "What's the matter? Cat got your tongue?" out loud? There's one particularly terrifying scene toward the end of the movie where Judi Dench turns her wizened skull toward the camera and speaks directly to the audience, informing us that "A cat is not a dog." I don't know what to believe anymore.<br />
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I genuinely don't feel like the CGI is the problem with this movie. Is it *a* problem rather than *the* problem? I don't know, maybe for a little bit. The first time you see Robbie Fairchild's face you'll cringe, but after 5-10 minutes you realize "Oh, that's just the movie" and you sorta get used to it. I wouldn't go so far as to say it looks good, but it's not really the failing of the film like most internet reviewers made it out to be. I actually liked some of the ideas the production design and art direction had, as it builds on much of what the stage show set up. The performers being the size of cats makes sense, and even the cockroaches and mice having human faces didn't bug me as much as I thought it would. That being said, I had a major problem with Skimbleshanks' song; the scale is all messed up. I know Warner Bros. released what can only be called a patched version of <i>Cats</i> with improved CGI to some theaters after the complaints from patrons, but if there's a way to tell the difference between the two versions, then I haven't heard a definitive answer yet. Whichever version I watched was lousy enough, and I don't think some slightly altered version will be any better.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A rumored early version of <i>Cats</i> before they cleaned up the CGI</td></tr>
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That's because the problem with <i>Cats</i> isn't that it has bad CGI, it's that it's based on...<i>Cats. </i>I don't know whether T.S. Eliot expected this tripe to catch on the way it did, but his nonsense poems were picked up by Andrew Lloyd Webber, and now we've got to deal with <i>this</i>. Say what you will about Rodgers and Hammerstein, but at least their musicals were about people, often real people or people who felt real, who had easily understood motivations, that fit into some sort of cohesive narrative. <i>Cats </i>is about obnoxious makeup and costumes, pointless dancing, bad songs, irritating writing, and generally wasting time. It's for the theater kids who smelled like old meat, and no one else.<br />
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Despite this, I've got a somewhat bold prediction: this will live on, either on streaming, home video, or a gonzo midnight movie showing, like <i>The Room</i> or <i>Rocky Horror Picture Show</i>. The young woman who saw this with me was on her <i>third showing, </i>if you can believe that. She was downright <i>eager</i> to see it again with me. I'm not sure if I'm ready to call it a GoodBad movie, but I wasn't miserable when I walked out of the theater. There are several moments where you're so baffled as to what's going on that you can't help but laugh. Other parts just feel like a carnival freak show, but more ethical because they <i>did </i>ask to look like this. Someone said "Yes, this is good, I like it this way," and that makes it a bit more excusable to throw your peanuts at it. It wouldn't surprise me if there were a number of people who actually <i>did </i>like the movie, but they're too ashamed to admit because of the critical reception.<br />
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In the end, it's okay to like things, even awful things that I hate. If you like the songs, like the songs. If you like the dancing, like the dancing. If you like the complete lack of a story, like...that. If you like Rebel Wilson's jokes, watch <i>Isn't It Romantic? </i>If you can back up your opinion with an informed perspective, I won't badger you. I'm sure you don't smell like old meat, and I'm sure you were very popular in high school. Just remember, when you defend this movie, this is what you sound like:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiplWcCv8qNK5WTigs-GG6-XuHW0SJTRso_ShhmeWIcFounxdPhy98YhGGAMgCZP53ZTHoVTSr4plW_EC1wOb73T966Tg-UYQ6TRb3EiwnczJTlgvW1qNd6xvMk6BtwptfB8CDEgr1dHZJn/s1600/Image+from+iOS+%25281%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="998" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiplWcCv8qNK5WTigs-GG6-XuHW0SJTRso_ShhmeWIcFounxdPhy98YhGGAMgCZP53ZTHoVTSr4plW_EC1wOb73T966Tg-UYQ6TRb3EiwnczJTlgvW1qNd6xvMk6BtwptfB8CDEgr1dHZJn/s640/Image+from+iOS+%25281%2529.jpg" width="398" /></a></div>
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Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-13727016629312420832019-02-22T17:17:00.001-06:002019-02-22T17:17:44.383-06:00Horror Movies in 2019 - Sophomore Slumps and Murdering Chumps<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Your body isn't elastic enough to receive the amount of Blumhouse that's about to be crammed into it.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Welcome to another year of <strike>horror</strike> supernatural thrillers. This list will be updated throughout the year (for realsies this time. Seriously) because incredible movies tend to appear out of nowhere at a festival in Toronto or Austin or pop up on Netfilx without warning. This will consist of mostly theatrical releases and a smattering of notable Netflix/Hulu/Shudder/VOD exclusives. I won't do every single one of those because I only have a finite amount of time left in this world. </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-small;">Summaries in quotes and italics are taken from IMDb. No, I don't know why the Youtube integration is so shitty. </span><div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><b>Update 1</b>: <i>Grudge</i> has been delayed until January 2020. So...that's a good sign. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><b>Escape Room</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">January 4</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Adam Robitel</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Bragi F. Schut, Maria Melnik</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Taylor Russell, Logan Miller, Deborah Ann Woll, Tyler Labine, Jay Ellis, Nik Dodani</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Six strangers find themselves in circumstances beyond their control, and must use their wits to survive."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Did someone say January horror? It almost feels wrong to start the year without a</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Resident Evil, Underworld,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">or</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Insidious</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">installment. It’s like Christmas without Santa, or Christmas without eggnog, or Christmas without depression. Nevertheless, we persist. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">The first slice of horror in 2019 is a PG-13 movie about escape rooms starring my least favorite character from</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Daredevil</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">not named Foggy Nelson, Dale from</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Tucker and Dale</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, AND a Disney Channel kid? You already know I'm here for it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Glass</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">January 18</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: M. Night Shyamalan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: M. Night Shyamalan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: James McAvoy, Bruce Willis, Anya Taylor-Joy, Sarah Paulson, Samuel L. Jackson</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Security guard David Dunn uses his supernatural abilities to track Kevin Wendell Crumb, a disturbed man who has twenty-four personalities."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">"Cautiously optimistic" is the only way to describe my approach to</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Glass</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. Sure,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Split</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is pretty great if you ignore the whole sexually assaulting a child thing that's just kind of casually unresolved, and I liked</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Visit</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">a fair deal, but 2 good movies in 15 years isn't enough to convince me. I would love for it to be great, but Shyamalan's track record and the odds of Bruce Willis actually trying have me nervous. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Final Wish</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">January 24 </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Timothy Woodward Jr.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jeffrey Reddick, William Halfon, Jonathan Doyle</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Lin Shaye, Michael Welch, Melissa Bolona, Spencer Locke, Tony Todd</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic; font-weight: bold;">"</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">After the death of his father, Aaron returns home to help his grief-stricken mother and to confront his past. Going through his dad's belongings, he comes across a mysterious item that is more than it seems."</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Final Wish</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is a movie I was going to leave off the list. Then I watched the trailer. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">A cross between</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Final Destination</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Wish Upon</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">with Lin Shaye and Tony Todd? Your boy is back on his bullshit.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Final Destination</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is one of the most consistently entertaining franchises, and its creator is on board as a writer. I can't wait. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Velvet Buzzsaw</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">February 1</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Dan Gilroy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Dan Gilroy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: John Malkovich, Jake Gyllenhaal, Renee Russo, Zawe Ashton, Billy Magnussen, Toni Collette, Natalie Dyer, Daveed Diggs</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Big money artists and mega-collectors pay a high price when art collides with commerce.”</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Boy that plot description sure buries the lede. 2018 was rough, and 2019 might be bringing unspeakable terrors of its own. At the very least you can wake up knowing that the writer and director of</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Nightcrawler</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is teaming up with Gyllenhaal and Russo again in a movie about something supernaturally fucked up merking rich people. I can't wait to se-I'm sorry, what's that? It's premiering on Netflix, you say? I'm not saying that significantly lowers my interest but...maybe this will be the exception to the rule and I'll have a great time. Hopefully. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Prodigy</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">February 8</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Nicholas McCarthy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jeff Buhler</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Taylor Schilling, Jackson Robert Scott, Colm Feore</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"A mother concerned about her young son's disturbing behavior thinks something supernatural may be affecting him."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">My Twitter timeline is already full of pictures of this spooky child and his little half monster face. If</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Nun t</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">aught us one thing, it's that if you have spooky ads that make people jump, they'll pay to see it in a theater. You put that little skeleton face everywhere and snag one of the kids from</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">It</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">to play the spooky haunted child and baby you got a stew goin.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">St. Agatha</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">February 8</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Darren Lynn Bousman</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Andy Demetrio, Shaun Fletcher, Sara Sometti Michaels, Clint Sears</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Sabrina Kern, Carolyn Hennesy, Courntey Halverson, Seth Michaels, Trin Miller</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Set in the 1950s in small-town Georgia, a pregnant young woman named Agatha seeks refuge in a convent. What first starts out as the perfect place to have a child turns into a dark layer where silence is forced, ghastly secrets are masked, and every bit of will power Agatha has is tested as she learns the sick and twisted truth of the convent and the odd people that lurk inside its halls."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Did someone say nunsploitation? It might not be the genre we want to make a comeback, but it's the one we need. Bousman has been busy creating <a href="https://mashable.com/2016/09/21/tension-experience-review/#DUH1HWtYrqqy">immersive haunts</a> for the last couple of years, so I'm excited to see how he applies what he learned from submitting people to a living nightmare to scary nuns. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Amityville Murders</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">February 8</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Daniel Farrands</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Daniel Farrands</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: John Robinson, Chelsea Ricketts, Paul Ben-Victor, Diane Franklin, Lainie Kazan, Burt Young</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that "voices" in the house commanded him to kill. This is their story."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">That's right. Another one. Another one this year, and then the next year, and the year after that. Every year until this dying planet melts us all. We're going aaaaaaaaaaaaaall the way back, back before the original film with James Brolin's incredible hair. This is the story of Ron DeFeo having an extremely normal one and shooting his family in their sleep.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is totally unrelated, but I looked up the director's credits and he has carved out a powerful niche for himself. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2019: The Haunting of Sharon Tate</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2019: The Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2018: The Amityville Murders</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2013: Crystal Lake Memories: The Complete History of Friday the 13th</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2011: Scream: The Inside Story</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2010: Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2009: The Crystal Lake Massacres Revisited</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2009: Mind Over Matter: The Truth About Telekinesis</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2009: The Fear is Real: Reinvestigating the Hautning (in Connecticut)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2009: His Name Was Jason: 30 Years of Friday the 13th</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2000-2001: History's Mysteries (3 episodes)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> - The True Story of Rob Roy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> - Amityville: Horror or Hoax</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> - Amityville: The Haunting </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">And for those of you wondering at home: Hillary Duff is playing Sharon Tate. I love movies so much. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Happy Death Day 2U</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">February 13</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Christopher Landon</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Christopher Landon</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Jessica Rothe, Israel Broussard, Phi Vu, Suraj Sharma, Sarah Yarkin, Ruby Modine</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">*Spoilers for first movie in the trailer*</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Tree Gelbman discovers that dying over and over was surprisingly easier than the dangers that lie ahead."</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I'm going to be honest with you, Gentle Reader. I didn't need to see a trailer. As soon as they announced the tittle I was in love. Embracing a silly title wins brownie points from me every single time.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Happy Death Day</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is one of the biggest surprises in recent years and I'm more than willing to jump back into that world. I don't want to say too much because the movie picks up right after the first one and the trailer I posted spoils the shit out of it. The long and short of it is things happened, she escaped the time loop, but now she's back in it - and so are her friends. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Climax</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 1</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by:</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Gaspar Noé<span style="font-size: 12pt;">,</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by:</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Gaspar Noé<span style="font-size: 12pt;">,</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Sofia Boutella and a lot of French dancers</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"French dancers gather in a remote, empty school building to rehearse on a wintry night. The all-night celebration morphs into a hallucinatory nightmare when they learn their sangria is laced with LSD."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Gaspar Noe is the Orson Welles of making movies that you watch once and vow to never put yourself through again.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Irreversible</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is a fantastic movie that I will never rewatch as long as I live.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Climax</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">has a fantastic elevator pitch of a plot, and if anyone else was directing it I would be first in line. Unfortunately, since it's Noe, I know it's going to be a movie I watch alone on my laptop with the door locked and I'll feel disgusting for days afterwards. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Hole in the Ground</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 1</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Lee Cronin</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Lee Cronin, Stephen Shields</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: </span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">Seána Kerslake, James Quinn Markey, Simone Kirby, Steve Wall, Eoin Macken</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Trying to escape her broken past, Sarah O'Neill is building a new life on the fringes of a backwood rural town with her young son Chris. A terrifying encounter with a mysterious neighbour shatters her fragile security, throwing Sarah into a spiralling nightmare of paranoia and mistrust, as she tries to uncover if the disturbing changes in her little boy are connected to an ominous sinkhole buried deep in the forest that borders their home."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I've never heard of this but it that trailer says A24, so I've got a solid 85% chance of enjoying it. Spooky kid movies are almost impossible to fuck up, so count me in. To top it off, it's an Irish film so I get to watch a movie about a haunted child and then tell people that I just got back from seeing a foreign film. I love being cultured. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-weight: bold;">Among the Shadows</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 5</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Tiago Mesquita</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Mark Morgan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Lindsay Lohan, Charlotte Beckett, Gianni Capaldi, Dominik Madani, Olivier Englebert, Daniel Hugh Kelly</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br />"A private investigator must unravel the murder of her uncle while keeping the secret that she is a descendant from a line of werewolves."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Y'all. I fucking <i>love</i> movies. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Us</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 22</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Jordan Peele</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jordan Peele</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Lupita Nyong'o, Winston Duke, Elisabeth Moss, Tim Heidecker, Yahya Abdul Mateen II, Anna Diop</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"A mother and father take their kids to their beach house, expecting to enjoy time with friends, but their serenity turns to tension and chaos when some visitors arrive uninvited."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Honestly...do I really need to say anything? There's not a chance anyone reading this won't be seeing </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Us. </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> <i>Us</i> ends up being on the same level as</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Get Out</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, then Peele has a blank check as far as I'm concerned and I'll see anything with his name on it. If it's bad, I'll be utterly devastated and Alex will never let me hear the fucking end of it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Wounds</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 29</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Babak Anvari</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Babak Anvari</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Armie Hammer, Dakota Johnson, Zazie Beetz</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Disturbing and mysterious things begin to happen to a bartender in New Orleans after he picks up a phone left behind at his bar."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is one reason why I love horror as much as I do. I stumble upon a movie that doesn't even have a trailer to watch a month before it opens, is directed by a British-Iranian director I've never heard of, but has three great leads and an intriguing premise. This could very easily be one of those movies that comes out of nowhere and blows people away. Or it could be awful, in which case I'll delete this and nobody will ever know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Captive State</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">March 29</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Rupert Wyatt</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Erica Beeney, Rupert Wyatt</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: John Goodman, Ashton Sanders, Vera Farmiga, Jonathan Majors, Machine Gun Kelly</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Set in a Chicago neighborhood nearly a decade after an occupation by an extra-terrestrial force, Captive State explores the lives on both sides of the conflict - the collaborators and dissidents."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I'm going to be completely honest with you, Gentle Reader. This isn't really horror. It doesn't belong on this list. But here's the thing: after stumbling across it myself, I feel as if I would be doing a disservice if I did not make as many people aware of it as possible. Earth has been occupied by aliens for a decade, and John Goodman is recruiting a rebel group to fight back. Also Machine Gun Kelly is in it. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Pet Sematary</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">April 5, 2019</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Kevin Kölsch and Dennis Widmyer</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jeff Buhler</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Jason Clarke, Amy Seimetz, John Lithgow</span></div>
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<i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Louis Creed, his wife Rachel and their two children Gage and Ellie move to a rural home where they are welcomed and enlightened about the eerie 'Pet Sematary' located near their home. After the tragedy of their cat being killed by a truck, Louis resorts to burying it in the mysterious pet cemetery, which is definitely not as it seems, as it proves to the Creeds that sometimes, dead is better."</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">It's time to wendigo to the polls, folks. A fancy city doctor moves his family out to the country. Just a regular, normal house next to a pet cemetery that is built on top of an ancient burial ground. His toddler gets pancaked by a Mack Truck, so he buries his littlest son in the cemetery where things don't stay dead and he comes back - as the locals say - all fucked up. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">There's a lot of history down this road, including an adaptation from Mary Lambert in 1989 and a follow up that is...flawed, to say the least. As you all know,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">It</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">made approximately 70 billion dollars last year, so everything old is new again and all bets are off. Lambert's adaptation has some great things - namely Fred Gwynne and Cousin Zelda - but I've always found it to be a bit lacking. Of all movies to be remade, I'm not terribly upset at a studio taking another crack at one of King's most haunting stories. What's even more exciting is that this remake is being helmed by Kolsch and Widmyer, the duo that directed</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Starry Eyes</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, one of my favorite horror movies of this decade. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't eagerly anticipating their take on the story.</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Hellboy</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">April 12</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Neil Marshall</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Andrew Cosby, Mike Mignola, Christopher Golden, Aaron Coleite</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: David Harbour, Milla Jovovich, Ian McShane, Sasha Lane, Daniel Dae Kim</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Based on the graphic novels by Mike Mignola, Hellboy, caught between the worlds of the supernatural and human, battles an ancient sorceress bent on revenge."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Does this look like a remake of the original? Yes. Does this really need to exist? Maybe not. Am I still salty that there's never going to be a Guillermo del Toro directed </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Hellboy 3</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">? Absolutely. But as much as I don't like remakes and reboots and yadda yadda yadda, I support great genre directors getting handed fat stacks of cash to make something. As far as I see it, even if this is awful, whatever money Neil Marshall got paid to make this is a thank you for</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Dog Soldiers</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Descent</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">.</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Curse of La Llorona</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">April 19</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Michael Chaves</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Mikki Daughtry, Tobias Iaconis</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Linda Cardellini, Raymond Cruz,</span> Patricia Velásquez</div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Ignoring the eerie warning of a troubled mother suspected of child endangerment, a social worker and her own small kids are soon drawn into a frightening supernatural realm."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">This spooky ghost lady jump scare-a-thon is Michael Chaves' feature length debut and being produced by James Wan. Wan must have seen something he liked out of this freshman film, because he's handed over the keys to</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Conjuring</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and chose Chaves to direct the third installment. From the bit I've seen from the trailer,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">La Llorona</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">looks like it would fit in well in the</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Conjuring Universe.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> Whether you're into jump scare filled ghost stories or not, it's up to you to see it and give Linda Cardellini a massive blockbuster franchise. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Brightburn</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">May 24</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: David Yarovesky</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Mark Gunn, Brian Gunn</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Elizabeth Banks, David Denman, Jackson A. Dunn, Matt Jones, Meredith Hagner</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"What if a child from another world crash-landed on Earth, but instead of becoming a hero to mankind, he proved to be something far more sinister?”</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Brightburn</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">(produced by James Gunn)</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">is a movie that poses many questions. What if an all powerful alien fell to Earth and terrorized us instead of saving us? Who would be able to stop them? Why isn’t Elizabeth Banks in more movies? How many Gunns are there? </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Godzilla: King of the Monsters</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">May 31</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Michael Dougherty</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Michael Dougherty, Zach Shields, Max Borenstein</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Kyle Chandler, Vera Farmiga, Millie Bobby Brown, Bradley Whitford, Sally Hawkins, Charles Dance, Thomas Middleditch, Aisha Hinds, O'Shea Jackson Jr., David Strathaim, Ken Watanabe, Zhang Ziyi</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"The crypto-zoological agency Monarch faces off against a battery of god-sized monsters, including the mighty Godzilla, who collides with Mothra, Rodan, and his ultimate nemesis, the three-headed King Ghidorah."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">I am going to be completely honest with you, friends. The world is an awful place. Just a truly miserable, horrible environment that will ring you dry of every ounce of life you have until there’s no more profit to squeeze out of you and then leave you to die penniless and sick. The light at the end of that tunnel is</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Godzilla</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, and if this movie is bad I am going to spin into a sad spiral and dig deep into depths of misery I didn’t even know I was capable of hitting. If</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">King of the Monsters</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">does not deliver, I will hit more rock bottoms than The Rock in 99. Fingers crossed! </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Child’s Play</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">June 21</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Lars Klevberg</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Tyler Burton Smith</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Gabriel Bateman, Aubrey Plaza, Brian Tyree Henry</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"A mother gives her son a toy doll for his birthday, unaware of its more sinister nature."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Fuck this.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Child’s Play</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">has been Don Mancini’s baby for 3 decades, and despite the tender love and care he’s put into not only keeping the franchise going, but keeping it going in interesting ways and maintaining a</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Fast and Furious</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">esque continuity,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Halloween’s</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">reboot made a shitload of money so here we are. I've got nothing against Klevberg, because despite my soap boxing, if someone offered me the chance to direct</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Child's Play</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">I would take it that instant. His first feature film</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Polaroid </span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">is trapped in Weinstein Purgatory right now so this will be his debut to general audiences. No pressure. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">No Mancini (who is still putting together a</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Child’s Play</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">TV series), no Brad Dourif, no voodoo. Bullshit. Go see</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Cult of Chucky</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">instead. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">47 Meters Down: Uncaged</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">June 28</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Johannes Roberts</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Ernest Riera, Johannes Roberts</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: John Corbett, Nia Long, Sophie Nelisse, Corinne Foxx, Sistine Stallone, Brianne Tju, Davi Santos, Khylin Rhambo, Brec Bassinger</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Five backpackers, diving in a ruined underwater city, quickly learn they are not alone in the submerged caves."</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">The plot honestly sounds cool as hell, and Roberts’</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Strangers: Prey at Night</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">had one of my favorite sequences in any horror movie from 2018, but I can not support the studio’s cowardice for not naming it</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">48 Meters Down</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Untitled Annabelle 3</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">June 28</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Directed by: Gary Dauberman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Written by: Gary Dauberman</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Mckenna Grace, Madison Iseman, Katie Sarife, Patrick Wilson, Vera Farmiga</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvhj9aW108WORNyoMCY6ZPnbFHtuhlgfLs1oOPAwMbDcsj6GvcyAuUTy2eHQp3qhZ_axH3WwZ8agkaqAOrTPmHEfRz_sjlzP4AQV7VDxC1XFMqpJqzy_DGKUf_at8ViNiWDiFx0Zj0kMY/s1600/annabelle+mask.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="606" data-original-width="365" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjvhj9aW108WORNyoMCY6ZPnbFHtuhlgfLs1oOPAwMbDcsj6GvcyAuUTy2eHQp3qhZ_axH3WwZ8agkaqAOrTPmHEfRz_sjlzP4AQV7VDxC1XFMqpJqzy_DGKUf_at8ViNiWDiFx0Zj0kMY/s320/annabelle+mask.jpg" width="192" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">If you're wondering why this is happening, let me run some numbers by you. The Conjuring Universe as a whole (2 </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Conjurings, </i><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">2 </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Annabelles</i><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">, and </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">The Nun</i><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">) have cost a combined 103.5 million dollars to make. They have grossed a combined 1,569,001,120 actual real dollars worldwide. Expect to see one of these every year for a long time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The New Mutants</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">August 2</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Josh Boone</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Josh Boone, Knate Lee</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Anya Taylor-Joy, Maisie Williams, Charlie Heaton, Henry Zaga, Blu Hunt, Alice Braga</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Five young mutants, just discovering their abilities while held in a secret facility against their will, fight to escape their past sins and save themselves."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Oh</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">New Mutants</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. Where do we begin. An interesting concept with a solid cast that has been pushed back over and over with repeated promises of “don’t worry everyone, we’re making it scarier. It’s gonna be good, promise.” That’s not me being sarcastic, they pushed it back from 2017 to 2018 so they could add reshoots to make it scarier. That’s what they said. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Rumors keep going around about reshooting massive chunks of the movie, even so much as adding entire new characters. Now that Disney has bought Fox and will most likely scrap everything X-Men related and reboot them, who knows if this even gets finished or sees the light of day. The current scuttlebutt (which hasn’t been confirmed so take this with the absolute largest grain of salt) is that it’s going to get delayed again and Fox is considering dumping it to Hulu in October. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Midsommar</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">August 9</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Ari Aster</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Ari Aster</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Florence Pugh, Jack Reynor, Will Poulter, Vilhem Blomgren, Wililam Jackson Harper, Ellora Torchia, Archie Madekwe</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDC2s5Vm6HuHPSqh_pC30-TagmDQZEA8YiGLbrs-4UBr-d8a1jRV7-nYHN0dU-UNc916oxHVA-cif154V0mNx54NR09hbfIt2WUgW38K_33VAnBj97373yqAjxubk3l9UKHWSscWb-qyE/s1600/midsommar.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="188" data-original-width="350" height="171" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDC2s5Vm6HuHPSqh_pC30-TagmDQZEA8YiGLbrs-4UBr-d8a1jRV7-nYHN0dU-UNc916oxHVA-cif154V0mNx54NR09hbfIt2WUgW38K_33VAnBj97373yqAjxubk3l9UKHWSscWb-qyE/s320/midsommar.gif" width="320" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"A young woman reluctantly joins her boyfriend on a summer trip where things quickly go awry."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">IMDb's description is vague. That's fine, I mean it doesn't come out till August. We probably won't even see a trailer for another 3 or 4 months. No harm, no foul. But curiosity got the best of me and I wandered on over to Wikipedia to see if they had any more information than that. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><i>"A couple travels to Sweden to visit their friend’s rural hometown for its fabled mid-summer festival. What begins as an idyllic retreat quickly devolves into an increasingly violent and bizarre competition at the hands of a pagan cult."</i></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Y'all. Ari Aster's follow up to</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Hereditary</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is about a pagan cult in Buttfuck, Sweden. I don't need anything else. Don't need a trailer. Just give me tickets. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">August 9</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by:</span> André Øvredal</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Guillermo del Toro, Dan Hageman, Kevin Hageman</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Zoe Colletti, Michael Garza, Austin Abrams, Gabriel Rush, Austin Zajur, Natalie Ganzhorn</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYN1PUnnSLUGe2YVZDr-j9K5Z1PucHk_Fp5QLt6dgil0C5rD72XfdRNCEZKo4Wd8eDR7QKCjzY14qYFAoLDXodSF6n9x0BLky48Wn7Bjv1NQ6de-dUuuZXX1P7dldoAf04s1kUR8T0TrM/s1600/scary+stories.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="870" data-original-width="584" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhYN1PUnnSLUGe2YVZDr-j9K5Z1PucHk_Fp5QLt6dgil0C5rD72XfdRNCEZKo4Wd8eDR7QKCjzY14qYFAoLDXodSF6n9x0BLky48Wn7Bjv1NQ6de-dUuuZXX1P7dldoAf04s1kUR8T0TrM/s400/scary+stories.gif" width="267" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"A group of kids face their fears in order to save their town."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2019 looks absolutely stacked with great horror, but outside of</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Godzilla</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">this is easily my most anticipated movie of the year. I grew up with</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and the illustrations inside have been buried deep, deep into my brain. As a kid</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Exorcist</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">didn't really do anything for me, nor did most of the slashers my parents would let me rent, but sweet fucking Christ I will never forget turning the page for the first time and seeing that woman's face. It was an ephemeral moment: everything froze, I couldn't hear anything but my heart pounding, and for a second it felt like I had been spooked so badly that I left my own body. This milestone in my life being co-written by Guillermo del Toro (who I would die for), directed by the director of</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Autopsy of Jane Doe,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and coming out a week after yours truly's birthday feels like the stars aligning to give me one good thing before my life spirals out of control.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">It: Chapter Two</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">September 6</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Directed by: Andy Muschietti</span></div>
<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Written by: Gary Dauberman</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: James McAvoy, Jessica Chastain, Jay Ryan, Bill Hader, Isaiah Mustafa, James Ransone, Andy Bean, Bill Skarsgard</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeqPDsG-Wclhl_RLGoUbef41W9r5Mq_Rn-DTcEcs-Upn5FbFNBlAD6626OaQyBDf-FfgkteCjjUc7jy3gEvwcs3r_c90U03n_482Kfz-PhGVcn_-ynvOYE12u_ju3tJVLPh6P56mFmEPk/s1600/it+chapter+two.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="256" data-original-width="368" height="277" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgeqPDsG-Wclhl_RLGoUbef41W9r5Mq_Rn-DTcEcs-Upn5FbFNBlAD6626OaQyBDf-FfgkteCjjUc7jy3gEvwcs3r_c90U03n_482Kfz-PhGVcn_-ynvOYE12u_ju3tJVLPh6P56mFmEPk/s400/it+chapter+two.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">"Twenty-seven years later, the Losers Club have grown up and moved away, until a devastating phone call brings them back."</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">27 years after the first film, Pennywise returns and the Losers' Club return to Derry to kill that god damned clown once and for all. <i>Chapter Two </i>has a lot to live up to and at the very least they've got the cast to do it. No matter how this turns out, take solace in the fact that not only were they smart enough to split <i>It </i>into two movies, but there's almost no way they could create a more underwhelming finale than the 90's version. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Are You Afraid of the Dark?</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">October 4</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: D.J. Caruso</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Gary Dauberman, BenDavid Grabinski</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Beats me lmao</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcztqtZR5rgiyZT-a7AD8cCPFl8YyNSQiD9yKOWfkaVSSCzafbeRhadllUOsgkwdYJFj4xnEihuncgPJtzQGrIfMWcLpFGUCo5OOn49HE_8arwT0xblXCjHErxvkkrYepHScU-N-7W0l0/s1600/are+you+afraid+of+the+dark.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="630" data-original-width="1200" height="210" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjcztqtZR5rgiyZT-a7AD8cCPFl8YyNSQiD9yKOWfkaVSSCzafbeRhadllUOsgkwdYJFj4xnEihuncgPJtzQGrIfMWcLpFGUCo5OOn49HE_8arwT0xblXCjHErxvkkrYepHScU-N-7W0l0/s400/are+you+afraid+of+the+dark.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">If you think I will ever stop showing up with handfuls of cash every time a studio markets my nostalgia back into my dumb fat piggy face, you've got another thing coming. There's not much out there about this yet other than the writers, director, and the fact that it's an original story and not just a retelling of an episode. Gary Dauberman is all over James Wan's movies and</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">It</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">, and D.J. Caruso has directed movies such as *checks notes*</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Disappointments Room</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">and</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">xXx: Return of Xander Cage.</span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt;">One of those is one of the worst horror movies I've seen in the other five years, and the other has Ice Cube showing up with a rocket launcher. What I'm saying is you have to take the good with the bad. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Zombieland: Double Tap</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">October 11</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Ruben Fleischer</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Dave Callaham, Rhett Reese, Paul Wernick</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Emma Stone, Abigail Breslin, Woody Harrelson, Jesse Eisenberg</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBdtslz-Iy9nXil7WjsgQ2u7G59w6Pwb58e94mTAKhAvsemBEclBMA3ZF8Y4Y-dI_kMuBvTBr2UyK8wXJI4PCOY7GXHRd816FozSHslta5JYCeahHEstYKKNTLkT7rbBCX9nP7FXwzqjI/s1600/zombieland+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="394" data-original-width="252" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhBdtslz-Iy9nXil7WjsgQ2u7G59w6Pwb58e94mTAKhAvsemBEclBMA3ZF8Y4Y-dI_kMuBvTBr2UyK8wXJI4PCOY7GXHRd816FozSHslta5JYCeahHEstYKKNTLkT7rbBCX9nP7FXwzqjI/s320/zombieland+2.jpg" width="204" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Columbus, Tallahasse, Wichita, and Little Rock move to the American heartland as they face off against evolved zombies, fellow survivors, and the growing pains of the snarky makeshift family."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Yeah. Sure. Why not. At no point in the last decade have I hoped we would get a sequel, but I also never hoped we would get a</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Grudge</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">reboot. Or a</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Child's Play</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">reboot. Or another</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Amityville</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Being a big baby aside, I will say I'm intrigued by them getting everyone back. One of my core tenants in life is that I will never not see a movie that stars Woody Harrelson. Ruben Fleischer is hot off the success of</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Venom</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">(SOMEHOW), and let's be honest: even if it looks bad, don't pretend you're not gonna go see a big budget zombie movie in a theater near Halloween. If you weren't that kind of person, you wouldn't still be reading this post. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">The Addams Family</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">October 18</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Conrad Vernon, Greg Tiernan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Matt Lieberman</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Oscar Isaac, Charlize Theron, C</span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chlo%C3%AB_Grace_Moretz" style="font-size: 12pt;" title="Chloë Grace Moretz">hloë Grace Moretz</a><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, Finn Wolfhard, Nick Kroll, Bette Midler, Allison Janney</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizgZQ6XJV-Q5VLG15y0R4jlJYFOkV1eBYBczh3mZj8ByzxuaXBKz8btUEnv9CUGewiHJ4slpu3BkhmC2LEPHFqQCNRCnFbyJAmw6yrlBXnDj__j4STBefoXfHo_sCH5KSRU5PyR38-m5o/s1600/addams+family.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="650" data-original-width="1200" height="216" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEizgZQ6XJV-Q5VLG15y0R4jlJYFOkV1eBYBczh3mZj8ByzxuaXBKz8btUEnv9CUGewiHJ4slpu3BkhmC2LEPHFqQCNRCnFbyJAmw6yrlBXnDj__j4STBefoXfHo_sCH5KSRU5PyR38-m5o/s400/addams+family.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"An animated version of Charles Addams' series of cartoons about a peculiar, ghoulish family."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">This is such a supremely powerful cast that I honestly don't know what to do with myself. A lot of people spend their entire lives in search of their purpose. Mine is to watch Oscar Isaac as Gomez Addams. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Nick Kroll playing Uncle Fester is why movies are made. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">Doctor Sleep</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">November 8, 2019</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Director: Mike Flanagan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Mike Flanagan</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Ewan McGregor, Rebecca Ferguson</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGdboE79Y09eazQko2OlKWTrv2Z68AtscdN6ZxhH34ygLn1VvdVuXVs6JOLgD6DoVIT5AMu9hTt_NV2UQ8CxymN9b-8l77KWR5FpqUmeqSVQAUoh2vCqwqJORsOS6QTRQ8PLJsDsGUmLQ/s1600/doctor+sleep.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="459" data-original-width="1000" height="182" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGdboE79Y09eazQko2OlKWTrv2Z68AtscdN6ZxhH34ygLn1VvdVuXVs6JOLgD6DoVIT5AMu9hTt_NV2UQ8CxymN9b-8l77KWR5FpqUmeqSVQAUoh2vCqwqJORsOS6QTRQ8PLJsDsGUmLQ/s400/doctor+sleep.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">"Years following the events of "The Shining", an now-adult Dan Torrence meets a young girl with similar powers as his and tries to protect her from a cult known as The True Knots who prey on children with powers to remain immortal."</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If there's one thing I can't wait for, it's to spend the next 8 months explaining that <i>Doctor Sleep </i>is a sequel to the novel, not the Kubrick movie. I guarantee that I absolutely will not get tired of "Well, actually"-ing people at all hours of the day and night, never logging off, never not posting. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Are there too many Stephen King movies in development? Absolutely. Will most of them even get made? Absolutely not. Am I excited for a movie about Ewan McGregor getting plastered every night to avoid being haunted by ghosts? 1000% </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Also, that Mike Flanagan guy is pretty good at making horror. I've been a fan of his for a while, but <i>The Haunting of Hill House </i>should be enough to convince anyone that this property is in good hands. </span></span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">~ TBD ~</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">3 from Hell</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Rob Zombie</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Rob Zombie</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Sheri Moon Zombie, Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Clint Howard, Dee Wallace, Danny Trejo, Richard Brake</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">More than a decade after</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Devil's Rejects</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, Rob Zombie is bringing back the Firefly family. How, you ask? Didn't</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Rejects</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">end with them all getting shot to shit while Freebird played in its entirety? You bet. I don't know how they're coming back, but honestly I don't care. As up and down as his filmography has been, I will always stand up for</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">House of 1000 Corpses</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Devil's Rejects</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. I welcome a return of Baby, Otis, and Captain Spaulding to the big screen, no matter how convoluted the reasoning</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Into the Tall Grass</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Vincenzo Natali</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Vincenzo Natali</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Patrick Wilson, Laysla De Oliveira, Harrison Giblertson</span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12pt;"><br /></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>"Brother and sister are driving through Kansas during their road trip. Suddenly, they hear calls for help coming. They stop to investigate and get lost in field of tall grass."</i></span></div>
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We still have absolutely on idea when the hell this is coming out. We just know it's a Stephen King adaptation and that Netflix is going to drop it whenever they damn well feel like it. It's based on a Joe Hill and Stephen King novella of the same name in which a little brother and sister hear a cry for help and go deep into a massive field of grass only to discover there might not be a way out. Fun fact: At this very moment I learned that's something I'm deeply afraid of, so that's exciting. You know what they say, if you stop learning, you stop living. </div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Lighthouse</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Robert Eggers</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Robert Eggers, Max Eggers</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Willem Dafoe, Robert Pattinson</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"The story of an aging lighthouse keeper named Old who lives in early 20th-century Maine."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">I'm only allowed to see one artsy fartsy movie a year without damaging My Brand, and</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Lighthouse</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is 2019's winner of this dubious honor. This is Robert Eggers' follow up to</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Witch</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, one of the best genre movies of this decade. Please do not @ me if you disagree. We don't really know anything about this at all. We know that it's called</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Lighthouse</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, Willem Dafoe and Robert Pattinson are in it (nobody else is listed on IDMb and Pattinson's character isn't named), it's in black and white, and the filming conditions were absolutely miserable. You had me at "fantasy horror set in the world of old sea-faring myths." </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">The Nightingale</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Jennifer Kent</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jennifer Kent</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Aisling Franciosi, Sam Claflin</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Set in 1825, Clare, a young Irish convict woman, chases a British officer through the rugged Tasmanian wilderness, bent on revenge for a terrible act of violence he committed against her family. On the way she enlists the services of an Aboriginal tracker named Billy, who is also marked by trauma from his own violence-filled past."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">2019 is playing host to several second efforts from acclaimed first time directors. Fingers crossed we don't get any sophomore slumps. We're getting</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Us, The Lighthouse,</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">and</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Midsommar</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, and now</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Nightingale</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is getting a release. Jennifer Kent's long awaited follow up to</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Babadook</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">was picked up by IFC Films and is looking at a summer release. I don't know about y'all, but I am more than ready to watch some good old fashioned 19th century revenge murder.</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Babadook</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">was a fantastic debut, and the fact that Kent was given more scripts than she knew what to do with and decided to instead write and direct a movie about a young woman and an Aboriginal beating soldiers to death in Tasmania definitely has me curious. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Rabid</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Jen Soska, Sylvia Soska</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jen Soska, Sylvia Soska, John Serge</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Laura Vandervoort, Ben Hollingsworth, Stehpen McHattie, Ted Atherton, Mackenzie Gray, what the fuck does that say CM Punk and AJ?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"What happens when you realize that to achieve your dreams you have to live a nightmare? Rose is a quiet, demure, unassuming woman in her looks and actions. Her dream is to become a famous designer in the fashion world, but a terrible accident leaves Rose scarred beyond recognition. She seeks out a radical untested stem cell treatment. The treatment is nothing short of a miracle and wallflower Rose turns into the belle of the ball. It all seems to good to be true. She is now everything she wanted to be. But everything in life comes at a price and this new found perfect life is no exception."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It's the damndest thing. I pitched a little shitfit about remaking</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Child's Play</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">of all things, but here we are with a remake of a classic Cronenberg flick and I can't get myself worked up over it. Does that make me a hypocrite? A big, whiny baby kicking his feet and screeching about remaking the killer doll movie but shrugging at remaking one of the best horror directors ever? A screaming toddler who picks and chooses what he selectively throws tantrums about?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Absolutely.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">If you're going to choose someone to remake a Cronenberg movie, the Soska Sisters are a great choice. It makes so much sense that you almost wonder why it didn't happen sooner. The siblings behind</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">American Mary</span><span style="font-size: 12pt;">, a movie about a medical student going deep into extreme body modification to make money, writing and directing a movie about stem cell treatment going terribly wrong with a bunch of fucked up side effects should be a hit. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">The Gallows Act II</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Chris Lofing, Travis Cluff</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Chris Lofing, Travis Cluff</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Ema Horvath, Chris Milligan, Brittany Falardeau</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"When Ana Rue transfers to a prestigious new acting school, she encounters a malevolent spirit after participating in a viral challenge."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Wait, seriously? Of all movies to give a sequel to years later, why this one? I'm a staunch defender of the found footage genre but</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Gallows</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is one of the worst I've seen. Why in God's name is it getting a sequel 4 years later?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">The Gallows</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Budget: $100,000</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Box office: $43 million</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Ah, I see. Well nevertheless,</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: x-large; font-weight: bold;">One Cut of the Dead</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: Shinichiro Ueda</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Shinichiro Ueda</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Takayuki Hamatsu, Mao, Harumi Syuhama, Yuzuki Akiyama, Kazuaki Nagaya</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"Things go badly for a hack director and film crew shooting a low budget zombie movie in an abandoned WWII Japanese facility, when they are attacked by real zombies."</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">One Cut of the Dead</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">is an interesting case. It played at some film festivals last year, but if you weren't paying attention to recaps from the Popcorn Frights Film Festival you most likely never about it. I would have never known about it myself, except for a little whoopsie daisy that happened at the end of 2018. With no warning or fanfare, it appeared on Amazon Prime. Illegally. Someone uploaded it and Amazon took a look at it and thought "yeah this looks legit" and put it up. That blunder has most likely thrown a huge monkey wrench in the creators' attempts to get distribution, which is a shame. For the short time that it was on Amazon before we learned what had happened, dozens of critics were tweeting and posting articles about how it was awkward timing because everyone had just published their top 10 lists and if this had been available a week earlier it would have been on all of them. I went from not knowing it existed to learning that it was one of the best movies of the year within 10 minutes. I didn't get to it in time, but if even half of them are right, this is a movie you all need to keep your eyes open for. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Jacob’s Ladder</span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Directed by: David M. Rosenthal</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Written by: Jeff Buhler, Sarah Thorp</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Starring: Michael Ealy, Jesse Williams, Nicole Beharie, Karla Souza, Guy Burnet</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif; font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">"After returning home from the Vietnam War, veteran Jacob Singer struggles to maintain his sanity. Plagued by hallucinations and flashbacks, Singer rapidly falls apart as the world and people around him morph and twist into disturbing images."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">What the fuck? When did this happen? How did this happen? Why did this happen?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">It’s the remake nobody asked for, but studio execs know that most people won’t watch anything older than 2014 so here we are. It’s funny as hell that America has been stuck in endless wars in the Middle East for the last 2 decades yet this remake can’t even take the time to move the setting outside of Vietnam. Whatever. The studio has been doing test screenings of this since 2016 and took it off their release calendar again, and more likely than not it will be just like the</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt; font-style: italic;">Cabin Fever</span> <span style="font-size: 12pt;">remake and nobody outside of a select few sweaty horror nerds will know it ever existed. Unfortunately, this ruined my day so now you have to know about it, too.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;">Horror movies were a mistake. See you in 2020!</span></span></div>
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-60968755288936120992018-12-06T21:32:00.000-06:002018-12-06T21:32:24.229-06:00The Devil Inside<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGnaUtJ6hxN3_FMo0QpakP1O7RhxNPQ0pIMXMFB8ZkbO9a0q7IZeGDaKE2HZ5B7LsMwixV7G8g85mSRA176sLiVvEim3OV5CGru2SRUl1LY1CdAlDZ5gJ6Ctvnlz5TH8OvpIZkyGzbhWM/s1600/the+devil+inside+moviedb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="1600" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGnaUtJ6hxN3_FMo0QpakP1O7RhxNPQ0pIMXMFB8ZkbO9a0q7IZeGDaKE2HZ5B7LsMwixV7G8g85mSRA176sLiVvEim3OV5CGru2SRUl1LY1CdAlDZ5gJ6Ctvnlz5TH8OvpIZkyGzbhWM/s400/the+devil+inside+moviedb.jpg" width="400" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Tired of found footage? Tired of exorcisms? I’ve got just the movie for you. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Y'all know I love horror, especially of the found footage variety. I’m an apologist to my core, and even though roughly 99% of found footage movies are trash, I will continue to give them the benefit of the doubt and dive into every new release head first like Scrooge McDuck. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I will never learn from my mistakes, I will never watch better movies, I will never log off. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Recently I dug into a horror film that was heavily marketed, opened at number 1, made an insane amount of money on opening weekend, and then all but disappeared from both theaters and public consciousness before the month was over. But enough about <span style="font-style: italic;">Avatar</span>. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Devil Inside </span>should be another one of the infinite found footage movies that were spawned by <span style="font-style: italic;">Paranormal Activity's</span> crazy success that fell to the wayside. It should have come and gone and been lost to history alongside <i>The Possession of Michael King, Devil's Due, </i>and <i>The Fourth Kind.</i> What sets <i>The Devil Inside</i> apart from these is an ending so remarkable, so momentous, so singularly shitty, it must be preserved for all time. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">But for every ending, there must be a beginning. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I have a hunch that the Vatican has no knowledge of this movie's existence whatsoever.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In October 1989, an exorcism was performed on Maria Rossi. Contrary to what you might expect, she did not take kindly to being doused in Holy Water, spit on by priests, and being on the business end of the whole “The power of Christ compels you” spiel. She made her feelings on this matter known by murdering the 2 priests and nun, then called the police and confessed. This case was what lawyers at the time deemed “a bit of a pickle,” but luckily the Catholic Church intervened. In the triple homicide I mean, NOT the production of this movie. They decided the best way to get this woman the help she desperately needed would be to send her to Centrino Mental Hospital for the Criminally Insane.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">In Rome.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Yes, the Church stepped in and said “nah guys, we got this” and deported her to another continent to rot in a padded room and everyone seemed pretty cool with it. Good thing too, because if there’s one thing I trust organized religion with, it’s diagnosing and treating mental disorders. Don’t believe me? Just ask my good friend Lisa McPherson. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Two priests and a nun walk into a bar. They get shot in the fuckin face. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Maria’s daughter Isabella lives most of her life not knowing much about what really happened, save for the fact that Mommy had an accident and then quickly moved to an Italian farm where she has plenty of room to run around. At the ripe age of 25, her dad blurts out “DAAAAAAH YOUR MOM WAS GETTING EXORCISED AND QUICKSCOPED ALL OF THEM SQUARE IN THE DOME” and then died three days later. He is never mentioned again. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">A couple of months after this revelation, she takes it upon herself to hunt for the truth. What really happened that night, and why did nobody object to her mother being locked away in a Vatican loony bin? Seeing as this movie takes place in 2012 and there are supernatural mysteries afoot, there is but one way to find the closure she craves from this paranormal predicament: she recruits a filmmaker to create a documentary. From roughly 2007-2013, there was no spooky story that couldn’t be told with a handicam, a microscopic budget, and some elbow grease. Pictures falling off the wall? Found footage. Doors slamming shut? Found footage. Teenage white girl convulsing, contorting and yelling swears at her put upon family? You guessed it: Found footage. </span></div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDVDhaI3ODn0e_jKxyfobjXjRv9d3HLxxUHhRzdAn6tCK58F0Ctov9wr09MwUOwdW_t_1rcN3JfyZTd1ZWSUQuKY2Ht08_KZvFYWbT9K6vBmq-DG6eKMZV37nBn2teLUgLE57VB9zv06w/s1600/a+pictures+of+me.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="1280" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiDVDhaI3ODn0e_jKxyfobjXjRv9d3HLxxUHhRzdAn6tCK58F0Ctov9wr09MwUOwdW_t_1rcN3JfyZTd1ZWSUQuKY2Ht08_KZvFYWbT9K6vBmq-DG6eKMZV37nBn2teLUgLE57VB9zv06w/s400/a+pictures+of+me.png" width="400" /></span></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Editor's Note: If the Catholic Church ever ships me off to a Roman asylum, please don't send this guy to rescue me.</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Isabella and Cameraman travel to Rome and waste no time taking in the usual sights. The Coliseum, the Pantheon, an exorcism class being taught at the Vatican. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Devil Inside</span> and its brief runtime get right to it, taking us from an exposition dump straight to a bunch of priests sitting in a classroom, watching footage of an exorcism and getting into heated debates on whether or not it’s real or just same crazy broad whose cycle is in sync with the Moon. I know what you’re thinking right now. “But Parker, an exploration into whether or not possession is real or just a manifestation of a mental disorder sounds like it could make an interesting movie.” Yeah, it probably could.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So Isabella meets two Rogue Priests with shadowy pasts and nothing left to lose who do exorcisms without the church’s consent. Much like this film, they act without sanctioning from the Vatican. They don’t give a fuck about nothin. So far so good - Bella is having a fantastic Summer getaway. Living, laughing, learning, making new friends, all that's left to do is grab some gelato and swing by the nitwit school her mom has been Shanghaid in for two decades. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The reunion we’ve all been waiting a whopping 17 minutes for goes pretty well. Mom speaks in different accents, screams a lot, shows off the inverted crosses carved into her arms and bottom lip. Just a couple of Gal Pals making up for lost time, having a regular vacation. There’s nothing quite like jet-setting to an exotic city where mommy can tell you your abortion was against God’s will. After flying across the globe, Isabella has a five minute conversation with her mom and gets no answers of any kind. I know it seems anticlimactic but you can't give up the ghost in the first act, especially not in a ghost movie. Don't worry, this is all gonna pay off in the end. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">So that was weird, right? No biggie, there’s no need to let a Loony Lucy ruin a once-in-a-lifetime vacay. Isabella, Cameraman, and the Rogue Priests reconvene and have a little chit chat about their experience, and then after a bit of meandering small talk they look at their watches and realize there hasn’t been an exorcism for a couple of minutes. Round up the gang and give us a break from exposition. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">One of the funniest parts of the movie is when they arrive at the house and they're greeted by the mother who tells them that they had to move her to the basement. Why? Doesn't matter. They follow her downstairs and end up in the most absurdly haunted basement they could find. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">You ever see an exorcism movie before? Yeah, well how about an <span style="font-style: italic;">unsanctioned</span> exorcism movie? It’s got a ton of stuff you’ve never seen before, such as a girl wearing all white contorting and speaking in a weird demon voice and then swearing a lot. They really outdid themselves here. The ingenuity is staggering. I can’t even imagine having the foresight do something so shocking. Particularly not 40 years ago. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They finish their morally ambiguous exorcism and go back to talking about - you guessed it - exorcisms. Whenever exorcisms aren't on screen, the audience should be asking "where are the exorcisms?" Rogue Priest David is worried about losing is job, because all in all it’s a pretty sweet gig outside of the “never boning down” part. You see, the Church does not authorize exorcisms without undeniable proof that the patient is possessed. What’s that, you ask? Isn’t that type of thing literally impossible to prove without doing an exorcism? Well first of all, through God all things are possible, so jot that down. Second of all, you’ve had a lot of great questions today, but we have to keep pushing forward. Everything will be answered at the end. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Isabella, Cameraman, and the other Rogue Priest talk poor David into casting away all of his doubts and effectively seal his fate. Then the damndest thing happens: there’s an exorcism scene that’s TOO HOT FOR THE VATICAN. They try to exorcise the demon out of Isabella's mom, but the demon gets transferred to Isabella and Rogue Priest David. Nothing says “summer vacation” quite like some dumb American kid flying to a country she doesn’t understand and convincing a priest to unwillingly have his body inhabited by Lucifer’s minion. He should have never listened to her and stayed loyal to his volcel pledge to the Lord. After all, the Good Book states that the NEET shall inherit the Earth. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Hospital workers hear the commotion and break up the entire exorcism and we abruptly cut to another scene. Is the Mom free of the demons that have been controlling her for decades? What will become of her? Does she know what she did? Does she know she’s been in prison? How does the demon inhabit two bodies at once? I can't stress enough that you need to quit interrupting; everything will be carefully addressed at the film's conclusion. Thank you for your understanding. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The Gang pours over the data from the exorcism (don’t ask) and present their findings to the Church. Everything is going great. Everyone is having a wonderful and regular time, much as I do after a routine exorcism with my normal rogue friends. Isabella finally has some closure, Cameraman has a documentary he can submit to whatever bullshit film school he’s attending, and David performs a baptism at his church and tries to drown the baby in Holy Water. You know how it goes. You and a small group of friends have a STAND BY ME Summer adventure and then go your separate ways and you return to regular life where you hold a baby underwater until the crowd bum rushes you and you pass out. </span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Why did the cameraman go to a routine baptism?</span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Do they stop him in time? Is the baby dead? Can a demon possess multiple people at once? You'll never know. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Later that night, Rogue Priest Ben finds Rogue Priest David at home You might be asking yourself how exactly David was allowed to return home after trying to murder an infant in front of a room full of people. I can not thank you enough for your enthusiasm but have to insist you hold all questions until the end, everything will be clear then. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ben is like "hey man, I heard today was pretty fucked up. Are you cool?" He notices David's arms are covered in blood and Ben doubles down, demanding to know if he is in fact cool. He calls the police and these bumbling, stumbling Keystone Cops are in the house for all of thirty seconds before David takes an officer’s gun and puts it in his mouth. He weeps and recites the Lord’s Prayer, but forgets the last few words and blows his brains out. Isabella responds to his hubbub by having a seizure. I know, I forgot she was in the movie, too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Rogue Priest Ben doesn’t have time to mourn, because the main character of the movie is possessed. Ben and Cameraman toss her in the car and head…somewhere. Buckle up back there, we’re goin to Hell tonight. I don’t know where they were planning on taking her, but I can’t imagine they have a deep bench of people who can perform unsanctioned exorcisms. Cameraman takes the wheel while Rogue Priest Ben sits in back with Isabella. She talks mad shit to Ben about some vague horrible act he committed that’s never elaborated on. Once he’s incapacitated due to hurt feelings, she tries to strangle Cameraman. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's almost time, folks. Your patience will be rewarded. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">She breathes into Cameraman’s mouth and his demeanor changes.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh shit y'all, here it comes. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">He looks forward with a thousand yard stare, the same one David had at the baptism. He calmly unbuckles his seatbelt and puts the pedal to the metal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Holy fuck, it's happening. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The car speeds into oncoming traffic and collides, spinning out wildly. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Ben and the cameraman’s corpses can be seen in the wreckage of the overturned car.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm white knuckling my chair. Here. We. Go. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Isabella's corpse is nowhere to be found. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">This is it. My butthole is tighter than it's ever been. I'm forgetting to breathe. Isabella is possessed by the same demon that took control of her mother all of those years ago, and anyone who could have stopped her is lying dead in a wrecked car. We’re an hour and fifteen minutes into the movie. It's time. It's time for the finale you and I have been waiting for. It's time for this demon's rampage and an insight into why sh-</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMhcsTWJKuxV7-cnkbJFdiqqWDb1W401iY1fnubmNsQlb66vRAs3pV49QWoapLWyQT_1nX4glPJuCdaS9bkMN5ZxEoa0cYHdhU6pe1gSspitWGaQxAVG-sqfoJqb8bLT3OGT-txb0BFAY/s1600/YOU+DONT+SAY.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="1280" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMhcsTWJKuxV7-cnkbJFdiqqWDb1W401iY1fnubmNsQlb66vRAs3pV49QWoapLWyQT_1nX4glPJuCdaS9bkMN5ZxEoa0cYHdhU6pe1gSspitWGaQxAVG-sqfoJqb8bLT3OGT-txb0BFAY/s400/YOU+DONT+SAY.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcQtm4CLM71ZuYDCc_oXB_YyKbf6O5_5cl2E1JkDqPNVZ-fw-BJIrYZhXWcMcc5h53-vwH0mr_HRrtc47tuHI65tQwRC-IP4EvHW-Xz8PeMyALxc2bfIUrC2o0o9R-U9MD7HRSi7k5o4M/s1600/IM+FINE.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="736" data-original-width="1280" height="230" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgcQtm4CLM71ZuYDCc_oXB_YyKbf6O5_5cl2E1JkDqPNVZ-fw-BJIrYZhXWcMcc5h53-vwH0mr_HRrtc47tuHI65tQwRC-IP4EvHW-Xz8PeMyALxc2bfIUrC2o0o9R-U9MD7HRSi7k5o4M/s400/IM+FINE.png" width="400" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">MOTHER FUCKER</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">HOLY FUCKING DOGSHIT</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I have never in my life been more disrespected by a movie. Seventy Five Fucking Minutes of stumbling and bumbling through exorcisms and exposition, and then they drive into traffic and tell you to go online and find out what happened. It has the nerve to tell you that it didn’t bother resolving itself. “Hey isn’t that fuckin crazy? It takes all kinds, huh? Here, check out one of those Youtubes” and then pads out the runtime with 8 minutes of the slowest credits I’ve ever seen in my life. I use hyperbole a lot on here, but take a gander at this. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMkhEX8_RW08TiB7eSoGCAOoXf5uXwy4zNvUi7kExG3d5rrF02g4BhlRdBvOO4X5d1WCVyOoru9MTA-1KzCNw07vift0zM4aWWo16aMOSpFUgDKK61-rAdd_8sq4aaKUUjh6QuCM7aFs/s1600/the+state+of+your+movie.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="383" data-original-width="714" height="213" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjlMkhEX8_RW08TiB7eSoGCAOoXf5uXwy4zNvUi7kExG3d5rrF02g4BhlRdBvOO4X5d1WCVyOoru9MTA-1KzCNw07vift0zM4aWWo16aMOSpFUgDKK61-rAdd_8sq4aaKUUjh6QuCM7aFs/s400/the+state+of+your+movie.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">That's not your computer lagging. Stare in awe at the cinematic equivalent of fudging the margins on a term paper and changing all of the periods to be size 18 font. The sheer balls of it. If I wasn’t so mad I’d be applauding it. I’ve never seen a more cynical ending to anything in my life. The sheer audacity to charge you full ticket price to watch a 75 minute movie shot on a Go Pro that ends with a URL. It has the nerve to dangle it in your face because there’s nothing you can do about it. You bought the ticket, you sat through the entire thing. You don’t get an ending and you never will. No resolution, no refunds. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And guess what? </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiImg1AigRGjpReNZ19NIPWTj4VrvPWp9Yma5pyWP0lpb5SLF546UH-d9EU-JYzP2Z2JiLJckgCx0Plm_5ReeqHQSojJk037ZFUflg47HDSbp2Lm5vutM7YGXadefXkYd-NCbz-aP8QOxY/s1600/insult+to+injury.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="87" data-original-width="642" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiImg1AigRGjpReNZ19NIPWTj4VrvPWp9Yma5pyWP0lpb5SLF546UH-d9EU-JYzP2Z2JiLJckgCx0Plm_5ReeqHQSojJk037ZFUflg47HDSbp2Lm5vutM7YGXadefXkYd-NCbz-aP8QOxY/s1600/insult+to+injury.png" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">They won. There’s nothing we can do. They got exactly what they wanted. They cashed in on that <i>Paranormal Activity</i> craze and laughed all the way to the bank. They took a script that was 70 pages and then a 71st page that said [Write Ending Here], filmed it in a week, dropped it in January, made 100 times their budget, and then told you to figure out what happened for yourself. They had nothing and they knew it. Case in point: the marketing. Here's the theatrical poster</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8LFkuBVbq609YWTKvzBMHeJGiAm57Jr4Te6zKDHfuoQxVEb8xmPhWvRSCrAnTOniZezGSzktcTREMXIRWtB5LXCvq10CbtIsz8tcZM2lM5fSHCg-61W4q0B1hrHExQZ99RmNF5r94rg/s1600/theatrical+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1500" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjf8LFkuBVbq609YWTKvzBMHeJGiAm57Jr4Te6zKDHfuoQxVEb8xmPhWvRSCrAnTOniZezGSzktcTREMXIRWtB5LXCvq10CbtIsz8tcZM2lM5fSHCg-61W4q0B1hrHExQZ99RmNF5r94rg/s320/theatrical+poster.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Pretty effective. Clean and dirty. Simple. If you're scrolling through Amazon, Hulu, or happen to pass by a DVD - this is the cover you'll see. </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NwcMsdJNd1SS2s8CaEq1QgRHgRJXP_w_ayH21SSshBJYtbhPIPz_-kq5thvoc5Pv0c52FG1aJu6cn7S7nCuON3xCmN_1sfdMqz5HxgSJ92mbty3kysTrj2409mo_lILA358TjDkymp8/s1600/new+poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh_NwcMsdJNd1SS2s8CaEq1QgRHgRJXP_w_ayH21SSshBJYtbhPIPz_-kq5thvoc5Pv0c52FG1aJu6cn7S7nCuON3xCmN_1sfdMqz5HxgSJ92mbty3kysTrj2409mo_lILA358TjDkymp8/s320/new+poster.jpg" width="213" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Did you notice how not once in this post was there ever a mention of a spooky nun? The face of this movie - the image that's supposed to draw you in and pique your interest - is a shot that's in the movie for 2 seconds (at most) as Isabella is walking down the street. Isabella does not notice nor acknowledge her and during the scene she's giving a voice over about something completely unrelated. Even the fucking box art is a trick. Not since the heyday of direct to VHS horror have I seen a movie so brazen about lying to your face to cheat you out of your time and money. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's poorly filmed, devoid of scares, lacks any suspense, is barely over an hour long, and ends with the director stepping in front of the camera and saying "thanks for your money you dumb fuckin slob." Tons of found footage movies end with someone screaming and dropping the camera and you don't see what happens. <i>The Blair Witch Project</i> is one of my all time favorite movies and that's how it ends almost word for word. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's the brazenness to go the extra mile and tell you that this story was never solved. Go figure it out for yourself, piggie. Here’s a trail of bread crumbs. Push your snout into the cracks in the floorboards and root around until you find a fucking ending. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The movie itself is pretty standard and Totally Fine for a lot of the runtime, but there's no way to give it a fair shake at the end because it's such a powerful kick in the dick that any good will is thrown out the window. It certainly doesn't help the movie's case that every single exorcism movie is a worse version of <i>The Exorcist,</i> but the decision to give you homework in lieu of a third act is jaw dropping. Some might say it broke new ground by giving you the opportunity to choose your own ending, but I personally chose to scare my dog by yelling at the TV. To each their own. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">At the end of the day, no matter what I've said above, I can't lie. I have to be honest with you. As much as I'd love to purge this movie from my memory and relegate it to the purgatory of found footage movies I've seen and forgotten, there's something drawing me in. This is the angriest a movie has made me in as far back as I can remember, but I can't let it go. I will not have peace of mind until I know for sure. I have to do it. I have to go to the website. I have to investigate the Rossi family. I have to solve the murders. I have to know where she goes next. I have to get some sort of closure or I'm going to swallow my own tongue. I shouldn't let this movie have a single slice of real estate in my mind, but I will not let it win. I will click every god damned link on this site and absorb every piece of lore on there. Do you know why? Because they don't think I will. They thought they'd pulled a fast one on me, but I won't be made a fool of. I'm going to get the last laugh. I'm going to set up my room like Rust Cohle's storage locker and solve the mystery. What is the mystery? I have no idea, but I'm going to resolve the shit out of this case.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Here we go.</span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbB6wl2ZJoWKT13hZPowfycnMrDmJbEJAdlYVcVEFZVT238g5E8I5x03eEA_3JTqRXMivpqO91cr59BaiIy7meZgbvkUGNiJjBJinK1FckHjQPWDMI7lAbP9L4BxsWqS5BN92s1RCzzEw/s1600/rossi+files+dot+com.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><img border="0" data-original-height="826" data-original-width="1235" height="428" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgbB6wl2ZJoWKT13hZPowfycnMrDmJbEJAdlYVcVEFZVT238g5E8I5x03eEA_3JTqRXMivpqO91cr59BaiIy7meZgbvkUGNiJjBJinK1FckHjQPWDMI7lAbP9L4BxsWqS5BN92s1RCzzEw/s640/rossi+files+dot+com.png" width="640" /></span></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">I'm going to drive into oncoming traffic. </span></div>
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<br />Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-74825598993934930562018-09-15T02:48:00.001-05:002018-09-15T02:58:35.481-05:00Titans - A Preemptive Disappointed Shaking of the Head<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWqG_ul6r-tXIdITAhoUjnexpDFhIzaP-Y-haGo2BCHmdGxdUch64l2ynyvjWlZrd-yzdX4QhQ3M8XJAADl5VKN1s6325sjD8_xRKHBipnZm8UDo0fK8G94-yY-b9ukxfP4IPGtPDYNvW/s1600/titans-logo-dc-universe-1106451.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="675" data-original-width="1200" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiVWqG_ul6r-tXIdITAhoUjnexpDFhIzaP-Y-haGo2BCHmdGxdUch64l2ynyvjWlZrd-yzdX4QhQ3M8XJAADl5VKN1s6325sjD8_xRKHBipnZm8UDo0fK8G94-yY-b9ukxfP4IPGtPDYNvW/s400/titans-logo-dc-universe-1106451.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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DC Universe and DC Comics made <a href="https://ew.com/tv/2018/09/13/dc-universe-titans-unite-exclusive-photo/" target="_blank">headlines</a> on Thursday, but not the good kind like you want. <br />
<a name='more'></a>An intentionally leaked image of their new show, <i>Titans</i>, was deliberately released on purpose to Entertainment Weekly, under the premise that people would want to see this sort of thing. You know the deal, one of those production stills where the public sees it and thinks "oh, this looks pretty cool, I'll check it out." This might seem like I'm explaining something that's typically common - and it <i>is</i> common - but what I'm really trying to do here is to explain the intention of the company and dispel the notion that this is the work of hucksters, scam artists, or sleazy internet jokemen. This was shown to the public intentionally because someone thought it was good. Bet yourself a dollar you won't laugh.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0e_I2wbrZVHezZRQj8zhl-NarPRl9_0kx1sfztLGGn8x-dHIsSlCw7C2xFp7RKt5VVye5a52UfVbaE4BRefxYD6f7Ps8gj3uKNQFVITXBMtxTrRPlIlCurexU4JyYTZyHWCz48MF_g2Hg/s1600/Titans-TV-show-cast-photo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="738" data-original-width="1107" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi0e_I2wbrZVHezZRQj8zhl-NarPRl9_0kx1sfztLGGn8x-dHIsSlCw7C2xFp7RKt5VVye5a52UfVbaE4BRefxYD6f7Ps8gj3uKNQFVITXBMtxTrRPlIlCurexU4JyYTZyHWCz48MF_g2Hg/s640/Titans-TV-show-cast-photo.jpg" width="640" /></a></div>
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Congratulations, you owe yourself a dollar.</div>
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DC's <i>Titans</i> is based on the comic book series called <i>Teen Titans</i>, which you already know about if you're reading this website. I've largely operated under the assumption that people know about this franchise from the two cartoons that were released; <i>Teen Titans</i> and <i>Teen Titans Go!</i>, the latter of which I remember people getting really mad about for some asinine reason. Set to air on DC's new streaming service (which will hopefully have <i>Batman: The Animated Series</i> on it, otherwise there's no point), this new iteration of <i>Titans</i> will be a darker, grittier series for grown-ups and the really hardcore fourth-graders whose parents let them watch R-rated movies. </div>
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<i>Titans</i> has already attracted controversy for a trailer shown at a convention where Robin says, and I quote, "Fuck Batman." Great, DC. Thanks. This is exactly what we were hoping for. You really nailed it. The more information I get about this show, the less likely I feel like I am to enjoy it in any capacity. Get a load of this:<br />
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">The show is a bit of a slow burn, which means the Titans aren’t “the Titans” by the end of the premiere. When the drama — which draws on Marv Wolfman and George Pérez’s seminal </span><em style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #111111; font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">New Teen Titans</em><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;"> </span><span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">comic series — begins, Dick is working as a detective in Detroit because he’s trying to distance himself from the life of violence he led while he was Batman’s sidekick. But then he meets Rachel, a troubled young girl and empath who just happens to be the daughter of a demon, and who asks Dick to help her understand her powers. </span> </blockquote>
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<span style="background-color: white; color: #111111; font-family: "times" , "times new roman" , serif;">“She’s connected to him because they share the same feeling of abandonment,” 14-year-old Croft says of her character. “It’s more of a father-daughter relationship.”</span></blockquote>
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Where do I even begin? With the series dragging its feet developing characters everyone already knows? With Robin leaving Batman's side due to the violence, despite the pretty serious violence he commits in the trailer? With a father-daughter relationship between two characters who appear five years apart in age?<br />
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There's more here, like a giant threat to the planet earth, and a ragtag group of outcasts joining together as a family, and they meet up with the Doom Patrol - yeah, the Doom Patrol - and the other Robin. Yeah, there's two Robins. I don't get it. I don't know how they exist in the same universe and I'm not going to read any e-mails explaining how, so don't bother. Brendan Fraser might make an appearance. There's someone called Robotman. Also the whole thing takes place in Detroit.<br />
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Let's take a closer look at that picture, shall we?<br />
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<b><u>Beast Boy</u></b></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbpXZWM9WCYNdLkYEVx4Z-xr6l3kRVyKFus_y4voOVATw9Xq8YDInP1tB1sN6iS7sXl8HidEhHeHKuS7msjGdrHybOH5uyfdBbMJoJ_200dH4X8ncBSWpjWEHc7foEy4H3mzZh0yLbGLx-/s1600/Screen+Shot+2018-09-15+at+3.08.46+AM.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1120" data-original-width="332" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjbpXZWM9WCYNdLkYEVx4Z-xr6l3kRVyKFus_y4voOVATw9Xq8YDInP1tB1sN6iS7sXl8HidEhHeHKuS7msjGdrHybOH5uyfdBbMJoJ_200dH4X8ncBSWpjWEHc7foEy4H3mzZh0yLbGLx-/s640/Screen+Shot+2018-09-15+at+3.08.46+AM.png" width="187" /></a></div>
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Right off the bat we get some Jimmy Fallon headass varmint with the funniest green hair since Stephen from <u>Sideways Stories from Wayside School</u>. We've got no real way to know he's a superhero or anything based on looking at him; no fangs, no suit, nothing. He just picked out some clothes at Kohl's and went swimming in a pool with too much chlorine.</div>
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<b><u>Raven</u></b></div>
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Oh no. Oh no no no no no. You can't just <i>do</i> this, DC. The choker with the necklace, the <i>Final Fantasy</i> boots, the Party City wig, the face that's clearly focusing on her agent just out of frame, telling her "come on, we're almost done, then you can move on to be in Kick-Ass 3!" I shouldn't even have to mention the costume, which looks like it was thrown away by a homeless person.</div>
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<b><u>Robin</u></b></div>
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Alright, this is a little bit better, I suppose. I guess in the series timeline he's supposed to be between Robin and Nightwing gigs, so it makes a little bit of sense that he held onto his outfit, which is the least embarrassing by far. He needs a batcomb and a stern talking-to, but I'm sure he could be the father figure to this girl who looks five years younger than he does. Does anyone have any idea why this is shot in the alley from <i>The Room</i>? Is Greg Sestero gonna accidentally shove him into those trash cans?</div>
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<b><u>Starfire</u></b></div>
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Look, you're thinking it too. I know you are. There's no way you can look at this image and not think they cast Starfire as a lady of the night with the <i>nom de plume...</i>uh, Starfire. The platform heels, the thigh-high nylons, the...whatever that purple thing is called, and the fur coat that she very clearly got from a pimp of some sort, it's abundantly clear this character at least begins the series as an ecdysiast. There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind. </div>
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<i>Editor's note: Cyborg is not pictured here, although judging on the outfits, do you really think DC could afford him? There's already a character called Robotman in the Doom Patrol. Just imagine it's Stevie from </i>Malcolm in the Middle. <i>Or Cookie from </i>Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.</div>
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Are you excited yet? Did you watch the <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d6rWiM1BQ5E" target="_blank">trailer</a>? Did that do anything for you? Of course not, let's not get ridiculous here; this show has already been almost universally derided online, and when Parker texted me this image, I knew I was in for a rough time. His sadistic nature practically guarantees the fact that he's going to assign the first episodes to me as a result of <a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2018/09/game-of-games-week-1.html" target="_blank">The Game of Games</a>. Well, at least the first few until it gets canceled. There's no way this thing is going to have any legs. Forget the Doom Patrol, these Titans couldn't even beat the Patriots.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remove it.</span></div>
<br />Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-16599960507067234562018-06-29T08:42:00.000-05:002018-06-29T08:42:52.133-05:00Harlan Ellison - A Voice from the Edge Gone Silent<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Harlan Ellison died yesterday, peacefully, in his sleep, at the age of 84 - one of the few things he's done peacefully in his 70+ years of working, writing, and living. Harlan was one of the great men of our time, often characterized as "the dark prince of American letters" and "the most contentious man in America". He was no stranger to controversy - often inviting it in like a family welcomes its cousins in at Thanksgiving, only more frequently - and was as well-known for his excellent short stories as he was for his explosive temper. Harlan was one of my idols, right up there with Frank Zappa, Bruce Lee, my father, etc. I'm going to tell you as much about him as I can until grief stays my hand.<br /><a name='more'></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.8px;"><br />If you're looking for an unabridged biography on Harlan, you had better keep looking. He lived one of those special lives, the kind of life every man and woman ought to strive for - the kind of life you can't capture in a cinematic biopic. It was chaotic, it was ever changing, and there were far too many significant moments and wild stories to include in two hours. What's the best story, when he got in a public argument with Frank Sinatra? When he marched with Martin Luther King, Jr. from Selma to Montgomery? When he sued ABC and Paramount Pictures for plagiarism - and won? When he mailed a dead gopher to the comptroller of a publishing company? When he ran away from home and drove a dynamite truck in North Carolina at the age of 13? When he ran with a kid gang on the deadly streets of New York and acted as war counselor for them? When he walked away from a $4,000-a-week job writing stories for television?</span></div>
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No, there's really no feasible way for me to collect everything the man did, although I'm sure I'll pepper some of the stories in here haphazardly. Instead, I'll start off with a story related above, wherein Harlan was giving a college lecture and happened to mention Dachau. After he was finished, a young woman raised her hand and said she was unfamiliar with Dachau. She asked "who was Dachau?" In a room of approximately 200 people, about half of them had never heard of Dachau. </div>
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Take a moment's pause here, and ask yourself: are you familiar with Dachau? What about Bergin Belsen? How about Buchenwald? Nothing yet? Have you heard of Treblinka?</div>
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Have you heard of Auschwitz?</div>
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Nearly every time I recount this story to someone, I have to get all the way down to Auschwitz before someone realizes that I'm talking about some of the most notorious Nazi death camps. I know, I know, many of you are thinking "come on, how could someone not know Dachau?" But some of you are sheepishly closing the opened Google tab where you've searched for the meaning of those words, those words you and everyone in the world ought to know by now. I'm disappointed; Harlan was appalled. It's cultural illiteracy, and it's affecting more than just the field of science fiction. It's about all of us, the collective dumbing-down of society.</div>
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Episodes like this serve to illustrate, about as well as anything else, why Harlan was so mad all the time. Stories about him assailing idiotic fans, menacing television producers, and haranguing politicians abound. About ten percent of the tweets about him on the day he died were about how he pissed someone off, and good riddance to him, and so on and so forth. Harlan went to bed angry every night, and woke up angrier every day. You could sit him down for an interview, mention how he'd written more than 70 books and 1,700 short stories and essays, and he'd verbally castigate you for having the unmitigated audacity to call him "prolific". Harlan wrote what is universally considered the single best Star Trek episode, and almost didn't put his name on it because he hated what Gene Roddenberry did to his award-winning script. Heaven forbid you called him a science fiction writer. He hated <i>Star Wars</i> and Christmas.</div>
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I know that anger.</div>
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Harlan went out the same day five people at a newspaper were gunned down by a madman, while the networks immediately looked for a political figure to blame. We live in a world where the boiling saucepan of divisiveness is threatening to bubble over into chaotic violence. Studies have shown that people are far more likely to read the headline of an internet news article and take it as gospel than to even bother clicking and reading the entire piece. Other studies have shown that the percentage of American adults who read literature has fallen to at least a three-decade low. Higher education has, paradoxically, become so critical for employment that it has practically devalued the college degree, while also becoming more and more expensive. Healthcare costs have skyrocketed while the price of a 70-inch plasma flat screen television has become affordable enough that now everyone - yes, even you, you with your wallet open, your jaw slack, and your mind shut! - can tune into Dr. Oz and The Orville. The level of arrogant stupidity, hypocrisy, and mendacity in today's society is, at times, both mortifying and humiliating. I can safely say there is an edge in my voice.</div>
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Despite that fury, I'm an optimist. No, seriously. Scout's honor. Cross my heart 'n hope to die after 80-odd years of happy, healthy, productive living. As cynical as I may seem at times, I really trust people implicitly, and it hasn't burned me very often. Believe it or not, those who really knew Harlan well would admit that even if he was a troublemaker and a pain-in-the-ass sometimes, he was one of the warmest, most generous, most loving people they knew. He helped hide war protesters in a secret room under his house, he saved The Turtles from getting arrested, he refused to visit states that wouldn't ratify the ERA, he freely loaned large sums of money to aspiring writers, and he stood staunchly against racism and sexism. As often as the human race let Harlan down, as convinced as he was that we were approaching oblivion, he believed in people. He wouldn't write if he didn't believe in people; all of his stories were, at heart, about men and women. He wasn't writing for gerbils, for crying out loud. Like E.M. Forster famously said: "only connect." Every story he wrote was intended to convey some sort of message, to teach some sort of lesson, in the hopes that we might be able to learn and grow and better ourselves in some capacity.</div>
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I think that's one of the reasons I like everything he wrote. For all the hopeless despair present in stories like "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," there are moments of tender vulnerability in "Susan", optimism for the outcast in "Deeper Than Darkness," mortal gravity in "Paladin of the Lost Hour," and wistful nostalgia in "Jeffty Is Five," my personal favorite short story ever written. By and large, however, there are not many feelgood stories in Harlan's bibliography. He was a man who collected all the sounds of fear, the ache of loneliness, the pain of ostracization, the futility of bigotry, and - more than anything else - the spirit of wonder, and put them all on foolscap for us to gobble up like Baby Bear's porridge. By holding up a mirror to society and turning it slightly askew for the sake of imaginative fiction, he was able to strike at the heart of his day's problems while also stimulating the creative parts of the brain. Harlan's stories came from the land of fear and shocked us into taking a good, hard look at ourselves. He encouraged us to drink strange wine, run for the stars, and stand alone against tomorrow as the dangerous visions that he and his partners in wonder concocted sent us over the edge.</div>
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The worst among us are those who get sad when a celebrity dies because it means they've stopped producing art. Even though Harlan was releasing work right up to his death, a lot of comic books (which he felt were "in many ways, America's literature") and unproduced screenplays (Hollywood, get your rear in gear and do something worthwhile for a change), that's not why I'm sad that he's gone. In a way, I'm not even sure whether I *am* sad that he's gone. He was quite old, he'd heard the sound of a scythe since the early nineties, and he'd even been grappling with chronic fatigue syndrome as well as depression. It's a little bittersweet that he's gone, like angry candy; and yet, I'm troubled. He wanted to be remembered, and while his work will never have the reach that Stephen King's has, I'm more than a bit bothered that his messages seem to have fallen by the wayside. Where has our respect for writers gone? Why can't we seem to stop killing one another? What of our need to be challenged by art?</div>
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People ask me why Harlan is my favorite author, and not Hemingway, or Twain, or Vonnegut. There are more than a few reasons. Harlan Ellison wrote the first short story I ever gave a damn about, "I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream," an allegory of cyberhell that took my imagination captive for months. Years passed, I went to college, worked, traveled overseas, started writing, and then I bought his book of film criticism, which I've reviewed <a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2016/04/harlan-ellisons-watching.html" target="_blank">here</a>. Up until that point I had not particularly enjoyed or even respected most of the film criticism I'd come across, but <u>Harlan Ellison's Watching</u> was the one that really woke me up and made me realize I had to up my game - and write even more. His use of language, the way his passages seemed to sing, and his longstanding integrity and consistency was what hooked me. I particularly loved his introductions to his short stories, where he threw back the curtain and happily showed the man in the control booth who made Oz spoke. That was the thing about Harlan; he was sure to let you know exactly what he believed and where he stood when he was telling a story, something I wish more writers would do. That's partially the reason that I think I tend to enjoy his non-fiction commentary and criticism more than his (still top-notch) speculative fiction. This was a man worthy of all honors. He won them all too, more Hugos and Nebulas and other writing awards than any other living fantasist, but I'll leave that to all the other internet obituaries. If you want to measure a man by his trophies, be my guest. I prefer something less corporeal, if you don't mind.</div>
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To that end, I will confess that his personality was quite charming, if you can believe that. Sure he made his enemies - more than you or I will ever have, likely - but he stood by what he believed in, and his elitism was borne of an innately pure optimism in the sense that we'd conquer our demons. One of my favorite quotes from Harlan - one I still use today - goes a little something like this: "You are not entitled to your opinion, pinhead. You are entitled to your <i>informed</i> opinion. Without facts, data, expertise, or some sort of qualified knowledge, an opinion means nothing. It's a fart in a wind tunnel. No one is entitled to be ignorant." Harlan was exactly right. So too was he when he declined to write a positive review for a buddy's substandard book; he couldn't bring himself to write a dishonest word. </div>
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As my optimism goes, I've got a tremendous amount of faith in this website's readers. I hope you go out there, reading his work, stalking the nightmare, challenging yourselves. His one life, furnished in early poverty, molded by the people he observed and his dreams with sharp teeth, should stand as a testament to the absolute greatness that it is possible for man to aspire to. It was a life as delicate and as vicious as a spider's kiss. In summation of his life, in <u>The Essential Ellison</u>, he wrote only this: "For a short time I was here, and for a short time I mattered." Not bad, Harlan, not bad. And not wrong. However, there's an even more concise and more widely-applicable message he once delivered, right around the time he and 33 other soothsayers forever ushered in a new era of science fiction and fantasy, unfettered by societal inhibitions and previous editorial limitations, unafraid of night and the enemy, eager and willing to challenge their new audience: "You must never be afraid to go there." We would do well to heed those words.<br /><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">
<span style="font-size: 12.8px;">We, the prisoners of gravity.</span></div>
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Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-51885451033919994242018-06-27T16:27:00.000-05:002018-06-27T16:27:38.779-05:00Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6MaEI2jyOEIFyR3O8T3fHmDcW-co0WDhJRgl2BouUCscxDKRGFIDL71QZrR9ct7GE2t2S5PUJhZfHzX5e1GF7s-_Dxhss32i7rrx62M58Wne5oPSfuiUtLKluOqAqmy6IY5OPee33H7o/s1600/dragon+ball+z+dead+zone.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="508" data-original-width="589" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj6MaEI2jyOEIFyR3O8T3fHmDcW-co0WDhJRgl2BouUCscxDKRGFIDL71QZrR9ct7GE2t2S5PUJhZfHzX5e1GF7s-_Dxhss32i7rrx62M58Wne5oPSfuiUtLKluOqAqmy6IY5OPee33H7o/s1600/dragon+ball+z+dead+zone.png" /></a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It's time to Rock the Dragon.</span><br />
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b><span style="font-size: x-small;">Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">AKA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Doragon Boru Zetto: Ora no Gohan o Kaese!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">AKA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Dragon Ball Z: Return my Gohan!!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">AKA</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Dragon Ball Z: The Movie</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Release Dates: July 15, 1989 (Japan)</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Run Time: 42 minutes</span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Starring: Goku, Piccolo, and absolutely not Krillin </span></span></div>
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*Note: I watched the Funimation dub. I didn't watch with the original Japanese audio nor the Ocean dub because I didn't want to*</div>
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***</div>
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Today we celebrate the first film released under the <i>Dragon Ball Z</i> banner. This brand is no longer about the whimsical adventures of a young monkey boy; this is the hardened, gruff, 90's mature children's cartoon for adults. No longer will we be subjected to a carefree child collecting magic balls and making new friends along the way. That boy has cocooned and metamorphosed into a man, and that man is about to rock the dragon. This first installment is a short one, so we only have 42 brief minutes to set the tone for your childhood. What better way to kick off a new chapter in these beloved characters' lives, as well as a new entry in the <i>Dragon Ball</i> mythos, than Piccolo alone in the mountains, screaming so loud that rocks explode.</div>
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It's not exactly what I had in mind, but at least I know I'm in the right place. There's nothing more comforting than the warm embrace of a big green monster yelling mountains apart.</div>
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Piccolo says aloud to no one in particular that next time he sees Goku he's going to beat his ass, because I guess this was still at a point where they hated each other. It's funny how us fat little treatboys and treatgals saw this feud completely backwards in America. I'm sure kids in Japan loved this heated rivalry after following <i>Dragon Ball</i> from start to finish, but we got <i>Z </i>first in America so we saw them work together from episode 1 and the vibe was "ah they're best friends but the green one's kind of a twat. It's an interesting rivalry, but I hope nothing silly happens like the two of them being forced to resolve their differences to join forces against a stronger threat. I also hope that doesn't happen 20 more god damn times in the series."</div>
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3 silhouetted creatures (one of which is running in slow motion like the Six Million Dollar Man) appear and promptly beat his ass with little fanfare. Why? Because it doesn't matter if this is canon or not, if you're not Goku, you don't matter. I can't hear a word you're Saiyan you slimy green fuck, if you want a prime piece of real estate on this show then grow a tail or hit the bricks.</div>
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After being on the business end of a resounding ass kicking, Piccolo is hit with energy blasts from the 3 of them and presumed dead. The trio's leader emerges and laughs, declaring that since Kami and Piccolo are of the same body and mind, ipso facto Kami is dead too. Which would mean the Dragon Balls no longer work, rendering all of this pointless. Before you can pause and say "hey wait, what?" the movie cuts to Kami cowering and bemoaning Piccolo's death. Except Kami is able to cower and bemoan because he's still alive. Also he thinks Goku is responsible. Remember in <i>Dragon Ball</i> when Goku wouldn't kill Piccolo because it would kill Kami? What's that? You don't? Thank goodness. <span style="line-height: 1.45;">Right as the whirlwind of nonsense overwhelms me and causes me to black out, Kami looks through the fourth wall and says "No...it can't be!" and it cuts to credits.</span></div>
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I've never been more confused in my god damn life.</div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3WbC6lVFmhZ9isgXsxodPSRmDZ2nsTE3YE5yIqiBBSAutVBYZGSOWDf1DEIHnfrFgV_OxLiiQYFUbN_a-8wCw4woLo3bQVMCl0s7AfWHaE_ATGgxLbWZsecbdsXb9I0t3YW1Gi3gyxLw/s1600/the+absolute+state+of+this+title+card.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="you better believe that's Krillin being blocked by Goku" border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh3WbC6lVFmhZ9isgXsxodPSRmDZ2nsTE3YE5yIqiBBSAutVBYZGSOWDf1DEIHnfrFgV_OxLiiQYFUbN_a-8wCw4woLo3bQVMCl0s7AfWHaE_ATGgxLbWZsecbdsXb9I0t3YW1Gi3gyxLw/s400/the+absolute+state+of+this+title+card.png" title="dead zone intro" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Look at the absolute state of this title card.</td></tr>
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So that was an...interesting start. Not only was it frantically chopped together like it was scenes from different episodes, but it didn't make a bit of sense. Let's right this ship with....Gohan studying. Fuck. Me. If there's one thing I hate about <i>Dragon Ball Z</i>, it's Yamcha. If there's two things, it's Yamcha and Gohan being forced to study. I spent all day studying at school, rushed home to watch DBZ, and was tricked into 20 minutes of a little dweeb studying instead of explosions or yelling. Absolute garbage. As I was saying, Gohan is hitting the books when he’s interrupted by a visitor. Is it that purple dragon hallucination named Icarus that only he seems to see and play with? Is it his shit-ass father who can’t be bothered to raise him because he's not a <a href="http://dragonball.wikia.com/wiki/Uub">reincarnated devil genie born inside the soul of a young Indian boy</a>? Nope and absolutely not under any circumstance. Goku’s seed falls where it falls, and it’s not up to him to see what becomes of it. Gohan’s big surprise guest is none other than Ox-King. You remember him, right? No? He’s Chi-Chi’s dad.</div>
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You know what, my criticisms of this show that I’ve carried with me for decades were ill-informed mistakes. I’ve always complained about how only the Saiyans mattered and if you couldn’t go Super Saiyan by the mid point of Z then you might as well have been Tien’s miniature Siamese fuck doll. I take back everything. Every last word of it. I’d rather have 90 minutes of Goten and Trunks doing a fusion dance and shooting ghosts out of their mouth than Gramps barreling into the movie in his stupid hover-clowncar like the biggest asshole in the year 2917. I've never finished <i>Dragon Ball</i>, so all I know about Ox King is that he's an absolute unit and he doesn't want the monkey boy to fuck his daughter. And you know what, I'm fine with that. There's only so much I can store in my Mental Warehouse, and I'm fine with that being the entire file on him. Luckily it looks like that's all I'll need, because just as quickly as he appeared, that thicc dad is struck down like his name was Krillin. That's a wrap on Ox King, everybody. How about a round of applause. Dust yourself off and join Launch, Puar, and Oolong on the Island of Misfit Characters that Toriyama forgot about when the show went to Namek.</div>
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The mysterious attackers - aka the same 3<span style="line-height: 1.45;"> people who attacked Piccolo - make it clear they're there for the Dragon Ball on Gohan's hat. You know, the thing that would not serve any purpose and turn to stone</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">if Kami were actually dead. Cool. Chi-Chi responds by sending the boy inside, ripping off her apron, and squaring up to fight. She is ready to fight 3 on 1 to protect her son. She doesn't call for Goku, she gets into a fighting stance and attacks. Remember when this is a thing that would happen? When she was a character that did things instead of screaming about her hill-person swamp-thing husband's spawn</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;"> making it into a good private school? Neither do I, and neither does Toriyama because she's dropped in one hit. Just because you've had a little Saiyan in you doesn't mean you get to share the spotlight.</span></div>
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This gets Goku's attention, because he can't be bothered to care for his family unless they're in mortal danger. That's our affable hero, fishing with his teeth in the nude while his wife and son are beaten to death by goblins.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigVTIGq2fS1v6W1l8BDYx35Jfemg28wuEfqvDfOW9p8quxQ53Gpp9zc-F27QllwFCS99SsrjLwi41VCc3PxIOmJHFhK4uwWl18WhvLh4GOPHzCheAvEult8gwZz_DCTqxPb5kww2YJMME/s1600/gone+fishin.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="not even 10 minutes in and we see Goku's bhole " border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="706" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEigVTIGq2fS1v6W1l8BDYx35Jfemg28wuEfqvDfOW9p8quxQ53Gpp9zc-F27QllwFCS99SsrjLwi41VCc3PxIOmJHFhK4uwWl18WhvLh4GOPHzCheAvEult8gwZz_DCTqxPb5kww2YJMME/s400/gone+fishin.gif" title="goku naked with a fish" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">How about leave the fuckin fish</td></tr>
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Alas, our brave and noble hero is too late. Gohan is gone and Chi-Chi tells her doddering husband that mischievous green ghouls stole their sweet baby boy for his Dragon Ball. You know, instead of just taking the hat and leaving the child behind. You're getting bogged down in details. It's fine, all of this is fine. I actually called this meeting between you and I because I have a great pitch for you. Go ahead, take a seat. OK so we're gonna have a new villain, right? He's going to blowy our mind. You see, he's a little blue-ish guy named after food and he wants the Dragon Balls so he can wish to rule the galaxy forever. Pretty fuckin sick, right? Yeah I know, I just thought of it. </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI3JK0rNwj-ipSz5aRdSreNf-h49mKe3KxgI3MbpPasTAJo8xWLne8tsjOvIuhYuPl9PG368nn8lVncDvihrWW78seiQyL9HiyAX4P5BY-kZPbrLjEMhWqIXwewRexIpVXGKD4xiAExBk/s1600/emperor+pilaf+-+dragon+ball+wikia.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="346" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhI3JK0rNwj-ipSz5aRdSreNf-h49mKe3KxgI3MbpPasTAJo8xWLne8tsjOvIuhYuPl9PG368nn8lVncDvihrWW78seiQyL9HiyAX4P5BY-kZPbrLjEMhWqIXwewRexIpVXGKD4xiAExBk/s320/emperor+pilaf+-+dragon+ball+wikia.png" width="276" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPpcKcATgzhZkhEK8HeHL6QXPr5qFRXYA0Xun3iW4i31WBIbDZ-PoiBcuc5lwL2YOlyY44Vms42R8R2f76QSQQbT0MTOxmveXTzDS7FFYrYhvQi1GZoc_yLrnsj9xvP473IqFEUFZKF0I/s1600/garlic+jr+-+villains+wiki.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1081" data-original-width="1000" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgPpcKcATgzhZkhEK8HeHL6QXPr5qFRXYA0Xun3iW4i31WBIbDZ-PoiBcuc5lwL2YOlyY44Vms42R8R2f76QSQQbT0MTOxmveXTzDS7FFYrYhvQi1GZoc_yLrnsj9xvP473IqFEUFZKF0I/s320/garlic+jr+-+villains+wiki.png" width="296" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">My dude has been out of ideas since the late 80s</span></div>
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It's not the fact that Garlic Jr. - our villain of the week - looks almost exactly like Emperor Pilaf and has the same motivation and has a group of useless henchmen. All of those are bad enough on their own, but he has the exact same voice. Almost makes you wonder what the point of this movie is if we're repeating the same thing we've seen dozens of times now. At least this won't be a recurring issue in the series itself.</div>
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We go to Garlic's mysterious castle that looks like it could either be floating in the clouds or on another planet entirely. It's never actually stated where it is because why would it be? Gohan whines and cries as usual about how his dad Goku is the strongest in the whole wide world and <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Pilaf</span> Garlic senses an unusual power in him. Man, remember when that was a thing? Good thing they followed through with that arc and didn't buttfuck that cool idea into oblivion later in the series. Garlic takes the little boy under his wing so he can train him to hone his powers, despite the fact that he'll be immortal so why would it matter if he had a strong baby next to him? </div>
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Now for the mandatory Kame House scene with all of our favorite characters and also the turtle. "A bunch of boogeymen just beat the shit out of my wife and kidnapped my son, better ask Krillin and a septuagenarian sexual deviant what to do next." Bulma uses her Dragon Radar to track the little lad and in doing so discovers that Emperor Pilaf Jr already has 5 of the Dragon Balls. Well, at least this movie did the service of skipping a huge chunk of rounding them up.</div>
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"At least we got a location."</div>
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"Where is that?"</div>
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"It's in the South"</div>
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Never stop fucking off you tertiary walking body bags. </div>
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Goku takes the Radar and heads off, failing to heed Roshi's final warning: "These villains are tough! They cut through Chi-Chi and Ox King like they were speed bumps!"</div>
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First of all, that's not a thing. Second of all, this movie is such a weird time capsule. <i>Dragon Ball Super</i> has Goku has mastering God ki and mixing it with Super Saiyan ki and fighting in interdimensional tournaments against Gods of Destruction, and here he's being warned that his most ferocious foe yet was able to beat up his stay at home wife and her clinically obese father.</div>
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Now we enter the part of the movie where Gohan eats a magic apple and gets shitfaced. There is not an ounce of exaggeration in that sentence. Garlic's Space Goblins state with complete confidence that in no uncertain terms this 2 year old is drunk as a skunk and waving his dick around like he owns the place. That's all fine and dandy, but when I get hammered I don't see this: </div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAzafxaubZLjPOW168-u4a74gYUlT5Zi0GR6ePRMxtQgnrfKzKwzkNr6gRBS1ZOkRXqX-aUaReGe9zO_BOA0DHtUaYMYovfdALtCtJlBtAZ0fF9BrIMoOZR5RiJUg-KjqqELZs1Lb1oHE/s1600/you+are+freakin+out+man.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="706" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgAzafxaubZLjPOW168-u4a74gYUlT5Zi0GR6ePRMxtQgnrfKzKwzkNr6gRBS1ZOkRXqX-aUaReGe9zO_BOA0DHtUaYMYovfdALtCtJlBtAZ0fF9BrIMoOZR5RiJUg-KjqqELZs1Lb1oHE/s400/you+are+freakin+out+man.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Then we get 2 minutes of a henchman chasing this drunk child around a castle as little Gohan repeatedly Mr. Magoo's himself out of immediate death.</div>
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This movie fuckin sucks.</div>
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Gohan passes out as Green Henchman and Brown Henchman run into the castle to announce they retrieved the last 2 Dragon Balls off screen with no explanation. Whatever, I'm not gonna complain about that. As much bickering as I will do about Garlic Jr. being an even more useless Emperor Pilaf, I will say I'm ecstatic that we're only 14 minutes into the movie and he's already being granted immortality. If this series is known for one thing, it's certainly not brevity, so I will take it where I can get it.</div>
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Garlic does exactly what one would do if granted eternal life: declares himself ruler of the universe, commands all the evil spirits that have been lying dormant to become corporeal again, and vows to kill all humans to avenge his father. A new dark age has begun, and all who oppose him and refuse his rule will die. Yep, that all checks out in this movie where there was a drunken child dancing around a space castle a minute ago. The only problem with his plan is that he seems to be really hung up on avenging his father. That's a noble cause and all, but I don't know who you are and I damn sure don't know a thing about dear old dad. </div>
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Goku arrives at Garlic's mansion just in time, and by just in time I mean he floated in on his silly little cloud after the tiny teal man was granted eternal life and declared himself God-Emperor of the cosmos. Nice hustle, dick.</div>
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The monsters recognize Goku for some unexplained reason, but whatever, that's the least of our issues. It's 4 against 1 and Goku is badly outnumbered. Just in the nick of time, a Namekian ally arrives to fight alongside our hero and avenge his so-hold the fucking phone...is that Kami’s green wrinkly ass?</div>
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Kami is approximately 700 gorillion years old. Every movement of his dusty old skeleton under his mossy loose skin is agony and every half-choked breath sounds like it's going to be his last. You're going to tell me he's going to go toe to toe with a little green Godking and 3 ghouls named after spices?</div>
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So the Namekian Crypt Keeper arrives and one of them says "wait so Piccolo isn't dead" and then I remember that was a thing I was supposed to think for some reason. Like I said earlier, I've never finished the original <i>Dragon Ball</i> series. Has Kami ever fought anything? I mean you know, besides a boy with a tail or his blackface servant?</div>
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Anyways, here's an infodump. Does it make sense? Nope. Hope you like getting forcefed exposition when the movie is already half over.</div>
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300 years ago Kami and Garlic Sr. competed over who would be granted the title of Guardian of Earth. The previous Kami (I literally just now learned that's a title, not his name) saw the evil in Garlic, which makes sense considering the flashback shows him as an angry red hellbeast. This did not sit well with Garlic, who summoned a massive army of assorted sinister shrieking beasts and tried to take the title by force, but was sealed away for eternity. As it turns out, applying for the position of Earth God and his resume consisting solely of legions of demons did not pan out for him. Papa Garlic vowed that he would have his revenge within 300 years, which is both oddly specific and incredibly vague. I know what you're asking yourself: isn't this essentially just a retread of King Piccolo and his henchmen? Well, </div>
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Goku interrupts the history lesson to shout at the baddies that he's only there for one reason: he wants his Gohan back. I'm with Goku on this one. Sure Garlic is an alien obsessed with immortality who will use his neverending reservoir of power to claim dominion over the entire universe, becoming a galactic tyrant who rules every planet with an iron fist and ruthlessly murders all who oppose him, but it's not like we're gonna get another storyline like that later on. Might as well focus on getting the kid back.</div>
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Goku whines about wanting his sweet baby boy back and one of the henchmen responds with, and I swear to God I copied it word for word, "Don't worry about him, he's dead tired." He used a Schwarzenegger pun from <span style="font-style: italic;">Commando</span> to explain that his son accidentally tripped balls on a magic alien apple. Maybe this movie is better than I was giving it credit for.</div>
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Goku rushes into the fortress as Garlic's henchmen give chase, leaving the 400 billion year old green man to fight the immortal <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Pilaf</span> Garlic Jr. I can't say either of those match-ups fill me with excitement. The Henchmen cut Goku off and introduce themselves: Ginger, Nikki, and Sansho. Boy howdy, do I hate Toriyama's puns. You see folks, they're all spices. You've got Garlic, Garlic Jr. and Ginger, which are all pretty obvious. After that you've Nikki, which comes from the Japanese word for cinnamon, and Sansho is some kind of foreign pepper than I can't pronounce. Remember in the DBZ filler arc where Garlic Jr's new henchmen were referred to as the Spice Boys? No? That's probably for the best. </div>
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Anyways, I would tell you which name goes to which monster, but they'll all be dead in 5 minutes so there's not really a point. Life is too short to file this into your memory. I don't know what their original power ups were called in the Japanese version (and I can't be bothered to check), but here they power up by yelling food names. Because of course they do. One of them screams Tooty Fruity. Tooty. Fruity. Very brave choice of Toriyama to go with a food pun out of left field. This is early <i>Dragon Ball Z</i>. How do we get across to the audience that the bad guys are faster and stronger? </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis_G3BqBys-CILI4Ljh0GSsS5dw-s4v1YseNX9G7wQ7CTdNPHP7zLsZ1VTN2q9OcytqWMoeftoR5N_FEWv12KtIjaVULrkC-eoXCVVjW8lkFLUkO5In_QdKyTK75rdXo7Va4PrUiRjeuU/s1600/henchmen+of+the+week.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEis_G3BqBys-CILI4Ljh0GSsS5dw-s4v1YseNX9G7wQ7CTdNPHP7zLsZ1VTN2q9OcytqWMoeftoR5N_FEWv12KtIjaVULrkC-eoXCVVjW8lkFLUkO5In_QdKyTK75rdXo7Va4PrUiRjeuU/s400/henchmen+of+the+week.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Bigger, faster, and stronger too. They're the first members, of the Gar-lic Crew.</td></tr>
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Make them fuggin swole, that's how. Their special ability is simply to power up and get massive hulking chests and arms. Nothing but glamour muscles, the whole lot of them. Truly incredible.</div>
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Lest we forget the real heavyweight matchup here, Kami must protect Earth at all costs and face the immortal demon king. I have to reiterate, I've never watched <i>Dragon Ball</i> so I have to pose this question to you again: Is Kami fighting someone a thing that ever actually happened? I've spent my entire life assuming he's one coughing fit away from his heart exploding in his chest and yet here he is shooting eye lasers at a 2 foot tall immortal lima bean. </div>
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It's at this moment I remember that Garlic's dad was sealed away forever like King Piccolo was and he can't be killed no matter how many energy blasts he's hit with. I can't help but wonder how far into the movie we will get before a single character puts two and two together.</div>
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Goku is bravely fighting against the Spice of life and it's one of the more visually interesting fights I can remember from anything <i>Dragon Ball Z</i> related that didn't involve the big bad of that particular arc. 2 of the 3 henchmen fire energy beams at Goku, but the blasts are deflected by an unseen fighter. Oh man, who could it be? Vegeta? Trunks? Piccolo? Gohan? Tien? Yamcha? Hercule? ...Mr. Popo?</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYmQszGAo2081hfrWmC_tQwSEW_DoYsViaDcQatiR_EugyAdjQgHIOwrjKb2Wvq036r73DIt3XDZk-xAEzzrNzobiYoi79kuirzlG4aYhImud3-7PsP-ckSaAjjJ7OUaw8I6IGfFKhuFs/s1600/minus+five+stars.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYmQszGAo2081hfrWmC_tQwSEW_DoYsViaDcQatiR_EugyAdjQgHIOwrjKb2Wvq036r73DIt3XDZk-xAEzzrNzobiYoi79kuirzlG4aYhImud3-7PsP-ckSaAjjJ7OUaw8I6IGfFKhuFs/s400/minus+five+stars.png" width="400" /></a></div>
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Throw this movie in the trash. I don't care what anyone ever tries to tell me: I grew up with Z, not the original series, so Krillin will always be useless. "UH BUT IN <i>DRAGON BALL</i> HE ACTUALLY”-yeah, he almost lost in the World Tournament because a guy smelled too bad. Kick rocks forever you cue balled fuck.</div>
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Goku mentions it's still 3 on 2, which is quite generous to Krillin, and a familiar voice echoes from the distance. Apparently everyone knows the location of this magical floating space castle. Hurray children, Piccolo is alive! Even though we knew he was all along because if he wasn't then Kami would be dead. I think. Wait a second, why is he being so mean to Goku? I thought they were friends? Oh that's right, I keep forgetting, this was back when he was a villain. Enjoy it while it lasts, you're about two dozen episodes away from being Gohan's surrogate father. </div>
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In a moment that made me squeal with delight, a battle-ready Krillin is stunned by a stream of liquid landing on his noggin. He looks up in search of the source of this fountain only to discover it's Gohan's baby dick. That's right chrome dome, even in a time when Chi-Chi's panoramic papa was a viable threat, you're still a toddler's piss trough. "Remember all of the fun adventures you and my dad had together at the Kame House? Well open your mouth and say Ahh, because this halfbreed dick is gonna start swinging, so you can either duck out of the way or get pasted by my infantile wrecking balls."</div>
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Hahaha that was some good, light hearted fun. I dare say it got a chuckle out of me. Those Z warriors are such a handful. Gosh. So anyways, Kami is being mercilessly beaten to death. There's a cool shot where Kami is up against one of the castle pillars and Garlic keeps laying into him, and with every punch in the gut the pillar cracks a bit more. There is no two ways about it, Kami is getting the dogshit knocked out of him. It's almost tragic, this wise old sage who has looked over us and served as peacekeeper getting savaged like this.</div>
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Well anyways, time for some more Mr. Magoo bullshit with that half-ape baby. Goku goes to grab Gohan but he's cut off by 2 henchmen. Without a moment to spare, he tells Krillin to go get Gohan. Krillin doesn't get to throw a single god damned punch before he's put on babysitting duty while the grown-ups fight. I've changed my mind, this movie is incredible.</div>
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Krillin chases after the baby but is cut off by one of the henchmen. Which one? Doesn't matter. Perspiration builds on Krillin's tiny bald dome. His life flashes before he eyes; a lifetime of playing second fiddle to these furry tailed fucks, of always being the Robin to these monkey Batmen. No more. This time, Krillin will sa-Piccolo intervenes and takes on the baddie so Krillin can get a hold of the drunk infant. Better luck next movie, shithead. Piccolo clowns this spicy boy, evading every punch and killing him in a single blast.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHNtAyDOy-0I6MTplEZzds7u6Osxzwd14a-T7pbzwcNnxbZYor5ICE5Uux7tRfjGUSk_Jifdf3hDYzz46heevNubaSBOO6_8hro7Y6WuV-u7iF_1-SxmR0yn9NvDq8tjEiRu9Un07FHgs/s1600/piccolo+gets+his+one+meaningful+kill.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjHNtAyDOy-0I6MTplEZzds7u6Osxzwd14a-T7pbzwcNnxbZYor5ICE5Uux7tRfjGUSk_Jifdf3hDYzz46heevNubaSBOO6_8hro7Y6WuV-u7iF_1-SxmR0yn9NvDq8tjEiRu9Un07FHgs/s400/piccolo+gets+his+one+meaningful+kill.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Congratulations, Piccolo. Here's your one (1) mandatory henchman kill to make up for you not doing anything substantial against the big bad. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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<div>
Oh by the way, Kami is still slowly being beaten to death by the tiny teal man. But enough about that, Goku is busy fighting the remaining two henchmen who I'm sure are fantastic characters with things like names and backstories. They pull swords out of their bodies, because they're monsters and I guess that's something they can do, and he has to defend himself with...the Power Pole? Wow, remember that thing? What follows is a quickly paced, well animated, intricately plotted fight that is so well done that I can't believe it's from <i>Dragon Ball Z</i>. I know what show I grew up watching, and it never looked like this.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhchdFwWVyXEW5impR8RrE87xkYbFbK8thY3PCOq4GvSCbK29cCw_W0ekyYoEaOVtRZRvDS0eU2SoQAQeSjaNechTgth4AmOltC-PM5Kipty9uf0BUmmei3nTgyHWRsx5IbTlfnYSTcf6w/s1600/swordfight.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="706" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhchdFwWVyXEW5impR8RrE87xkYbFbK8thY3PCOq4GvSCbK29cCw_W0ekyYoEaOVtRZRvDS0eU2SoQAQeSjaNechTgth4AmOltC-PM5Kipty9uf0BUmmei3nTgyHWRsx5IbTlfnYSTcf6w/s400/swordfight.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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After a bit more tussling, Goku sends the two of them straight to hell with a Kamehameha because the director realized the movie didn't have enough time left to give each villain a separate cool death. </div>
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MEANWHILE, AT THE HALL OF JUSTICE, Kami is <span style="font-style: italic;">still</span> being beaten to death by the little green thing. Completely out of options, Kami bear hugs him and prepares for a suicidal attack. You know, except for the fact that Garlic Jr's immortal and he'll just die and make the Dragon Balls useless. You stupid California Raisin lookin head ass idiot. Don't worry kids, Goku and Piccolo are here just in time so the geriatric alien doesn't have to Kamikaze himself. Huzzah!</div>
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The climactic battle for the fate of the Earth is about to begin. Knowing the severity of the situation and the severe consequences of their failure, Goku realizes he will need all the help he can get. He tells Krillin to leave. This movie is incredible, it takes an even bigger piss on him than Gohan did. </div>
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Credit to this movie, they don't do the thing you're expecting. Hell, I've seen this before and I was still expecting it: Goku and Piccolo would easily overpower Garlic Jr, they'd get overconfident, and THEN he would transform into a big nightmarish monstrosity. Nope, Garlic stares them down, tells them they're gonna die defending the planet, then transforms. <i>Dead Zone </i>does a lot of things successfully with its 40 minute runtime, so I'm enjoying it while I can because I know that the people involved in making it absolutely will not learn the right lessons form it. </div>
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLU6OXAQoxfIYgavMFwZGV0BR5a7CUxgO7XHtPCDr06fCt27Yk3KpuxSip7d8mx4kxfm3zrLcFewITGfHN7uhjJM5BmwDBYIEdWkcqetrCHNmKjjLg90TaHvc0dhc-z5cWSwJf45oMmo/s1600/super+garlic+jr.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Garlic Jr skipped leg day" border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjRLU6OXAQoxfIYgavMFwZGV0BR5a7CUxgO7XHtPCDr06fCt27Yk3KpuxSip7d8mx4kxfm3zrLcFewITGfHN7uhjJM5BmwDBYIEdWkcqetrCHNmKjjLg90TaHvc0dhc-z5cWSwJf45oMmo/s400/super+garlic+jr.png" title="Super Garlic Jr" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Garlic was my father, please call me Terrence. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Garlic proceeds to beat the piss out of them. He's faster, stronger, probably has a girthier green penis. The total package, really. </div>
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Our heroes land punch after useless punch but they are completely ineffective and Garlic zaps them with vague energy blasts (or ki blasts as assholes call them) that level the castle. Oh and just so you know, during the wreckage, Krillin sustains a concussion, gets knocked unconscious, and then drops Gohan, who gets buried under the rubble.</div>
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You had one fucking job.</div>
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That's when my favorite thing happens.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtXGBAL_lQiCH1ihgDJMXK9HGGhE6gSNISNTpxHjJDgwSkQ9_j_-jpWjttQ0qLw3Wr_fTIZ3Kt46WbzptT3W4dGotx6ga_slWMdBsTldabYzD87vexSuGvsU_LsYdYZpVhJ-0FDCopbSE/s1600/garlic+smash.gif" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="386" data-original-width="706" height="217" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhtXGBAL_lQiCH1ihgDJMXK9HGGhE6gSNISNTpxHjJDgwSkQ9_j_-jpWjttQ0qLw3Wr_fTIZ3Kt46WbzptT3W4dGotx6ga_slWMdBsTldabYzD87vexSuGvsU_LsYdYZpVhJ-0FDCopbSE/s400/garlic+smash.gif" width="400" /></a></div>
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Garlic grabs them both by the head with his big meaty claws and runs through walls like the Juggernaut before burying them deep beneath the earth. Incredible. </div>
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All hope seems lost for our heroes. What tricks do they have up their sleeves? A new transformation? Kaio-ken? Anything?</div>
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Ah yes, the miraculous technique of removing weighted sparring gear. Their ace in the hole is to take off their clothes. Gi, boots, turban. All the goods. After taking off a shirt that weighed approximately 6 pounds, Goku is immediately capable of overwhelming Garlic. Whatever. Piccolo and Goku blast him to hell and back and the movie has the nerve to tease that he's dead, despite literally everyone knowing he's immortal. The entire crux of this film is that he can't die. That's the entire god damned reason we're here. Nah, he's probably gone. Piccolo assumes Garlic Jr. is dead and tells Goku to square up, because this is still the part of the show where every time they team up it's only temporary because one day he's gonna get revenge on that monkey. Hahahaha no you're not you stupid fuck, not in this or any lifetime. Either grow a tail or slowly get weeded out of the title card like everyone else.</div>
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So yeah, shock of all shocks, Garlic is alive. Who woulda thunk it, right? It's not like we've spent this entire movie babbling about immortality or anything. He's quite perturbed at our heroes and creates the Dead Zone. What is the Dead Zone, you ask? That's a great question, because we will never know any details about it besides the fact that it's a massive void in the sky that pulls everything in its vicinity into it. Where does it lead to? How did he create it? Why does such a thing exist? Stop asking questions and watch the bright colors, moron. </div>
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<div>
"Mr. Toriyama sir, should we use something along the lines of the Evil Containment Wave to tr-" "FUCK IT, THROW HIM INTO SPACE."</div>
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Our Heroes throw energy blasts and say convoluted nonsense but it has no effect on Garlic or his monologues. He's gonna trap the world in darkness like they did his father and holy shit who cares. Wait, is that the same Dead Zone his father was trapped in? Is Papa Garlic in there? As a lifelong fan of the show who has done extensive research for the last two decades, I can say with complete confidence: Maybe.</div>
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<div>
The strongest warriors the planet has ever known and also Krillin are holding on for dear life to avoid being sucked into the Zone, but they're losing their grips. Is this the end of Earth's mightiest heroes and an old grasshopper man? Then, in the distance, a child begins to cry. Gohan emerges from the wreckage, screams a whole lot about his Daddy, and sends a massive wave of energy that knocks Garlic Jr into the Dead Zone. The Dead Zone shatters entirely and disappears, trapping him in there for eternity, or until the anime needs to buy time for Toriyama to write Trunks into the manga. Whichever one comes first. <span style="line-height: 1.45;">Either way, the world is safe. Hurray.</span></div>
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I had completely forgotten how big of a role Gohan's hidden power played at this stage in the franchise. Even at this early entry they were teasing big things for him. Here's hoping they don't drop the ball. </div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMt9AYP2sWfVoPV4snT-7lzpn0U9r3hfX80i_yrryunCZ2u-EoXMRF3roIr2WG3CwSkbO0QQnaV64goxlYaGqWJFLM4pR-PUOaqnmfbu8eP8WORd5qFkkUKJPLA-cen8UpVtxpQh9LrT8/s1600/have+no+fear+saiyaman+is+here.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1101" data-original-width="1600" height="275" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhMt9AYP2sWfVoPV4snT-7lzpn0U9r3hfX80i_yrryunCZ2u-EoXMRF3roIr2WG3CwSkbO0QQnaV64goxlYaGqWJFLM4pR-PUOaqnmfbu8eP8WORd5qFkkUKJPLA-cen8UpVtxpQh9LrT8/s400/have+no+fear+saiyaman+is+here.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Oh...</i></td></tr>
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The world is saved and Kami explains that Garlic Jr. is trapped there for eternity, just in case you didn't get it. He also explains how ironic it is that he suffered the same fate as his father. You know, just in case you didn't get it.</div>
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Gohan, who conveniently passed out after all the hullabaloo, wakes up with no memory of what happened. You and me both, kid. Goku and Gohan head back home on their magic cloud and Goku thinks to himself how one day he'll tell Gohan and Chi-Chi about how he saved the world, but he'll wait till he's a little older so he can enjoy being a kid. Oh, that's so sweet. What a heartwarming way to end yo-JESUS FUCK</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1yMKsDYD-298SREFFMEsAKgT3jjCHQvzToOWSwZ1wbb1FRY2DFRDFHtB1DgQeZUwysybLrHeC5Z6umHKvH1AIwen7XMAOUqW5zieHPnCpBKsSNkeHct25yMgtj-wxrGG2wwPlLKy_nqc/s1600/JESUS+CHRIST.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" data-original-height="400" data-original-width="711" height="225" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi1yMKsDYD-298SREFFMEsAKgT3jjCHQvzToOWSwZ1wbb1FRY2DFRDFHtB1DgQeZUwysybLrHeC5Z6umHKvH1AIwen7XMAOUqW5zieHPnCpBKsSNkeHct25yMgtj-wxrGG2wwPlLKy_nqc/s400/JESUS+CHRIST.png" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">I'LL GET YOU, SUPERMAN</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Well, at least we'll never see him again.</div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;">***</span></div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Dead Zone</span> is an underrated entry in the <span style="font-style: italic;">Dragon Ball</span> canon. I don't have many fond movies of the 17 (!) <i>Dragon Ball Z</i> movies, so coming back to this one that takes place before Raditz shows up and being genuinely entertained was a surprise. If you had asked me beforehand, I would have put money on this being an absolute turd. The Garlic Jr. filler saga in <span style="font-style: italic;">Z</span> is a low point in the series for me, and something I haven't revisited in probably 15 years. The fights are intricately drawn and animated and I was stunned at how gorgeous some of the backdrops are. <i>Dragon Ball</i> is many things, but well animated usually is not one of them. There are multiple shots of the floating castle that look better than anything in any of the movies that follow. Hell, it looks better than the first couple of arcs of <span style="font-style: italic;">Dragon Ball Super</span>. A lot of care was put into it, and I have come away from this with a whole new appreciation for it. I had completely blown this movie off, but I'm glad I came back and gave it a fair shake, even if the plot is a dartboard of <i>Dragon Ball</i> cliches. </div>
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Is the first half of the movie incredibly confusing? Absolutely. Nothing with Piccolo makes any sense whatsoever. When I saw this movie as a child, I didn't rent it from Blockbuster or download it off Kazaa. I watched anime the old fashioned way: dubbed and edited on Toonami. Their broadcast cut all of this pre-credits nonsense out and the movie makes infinitely more sense that way. If your movie is 42 minutes, it shouldn't be improved by cutting out even more of the runtime. But I digress, it's a great little moment in time for the franchise. Characters that have long since been forgotten get some screen time, The combat hearkens back to the best parts of the original <span style="font-style: italic;">Dragon Ball</span>, and you get to hear Troy Baker voice a random Spice-based henchman in his first ever credited role before he was in every single video game in which you play as a white dude exploring something. It's strange to me that these non-canon movies spawned iconic characters like Cooler and Broly, yet this one is the only one to get an actual follow up during Z. I mean sure, the Garlic Jr. saga is absolute balls and was filler that was hastily thrown together while Toriyama ripped his hair out trying to figure out what to do after the Frieza saga, but at this point they've introduced multiple concurrent universes and still haven't found a place for Frieza's brother. Garlic Jr. isn't a great villain, but it certainly helps seeing him in one tiny digestible chunk, not in a Goku-less arc that you know isn't leading to anything except reruns.</div>
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<span style="font-style: italic;">Dead Zone</span> was a welcome surprise. It's made me more optimistic for this journey I've put myself on, and made me reconsider that these first couple of movies that I watched once on Toonami and then wrote off forever are better than I gave them credit for. What most likely happened is that I watched them once, nobody went Super Saiyan, and I declared them lame and never went back. <i>Dead Zone </i>might end up being one of the best movies by the time everything's said and done. I'm older and more open minded, so I'm ready to go into <span style="font-style: italic;">The World's Strongest</span> and give a fair shake to, let me check my notes here, a brain in a robot suit that wants Goku's body. </div>
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Fuck.</div>
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-45229646338502841602018-06-11T14:50:00.000-05:002018-06-27T19:09:54.500-05:00Jesus Christ Superstar - The First Movie to Feature Twerking<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggK5eSLHmyaELivzLKlxyuJMpyOv3w2IsAvRttMjwmb-8L_8yYhoEFjAOJmbBf2wu4KzqxStx1pi7DGxCHnDfCob1X8wFwX9dRd5W9sdJphPHqrYtxWZ8obIS-3Yc4UCFp4IhetkwETe6s/s1600/poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1057" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEggK5eSLHmyaELivzLKlxyuJMpyOv3w2IsAvRttMjwmb-8L_8yYhoEFjAOJmbBf2wu4KzqxStx1pi7DGxCHnDfCob1X8wFwX9dRd5W9sdJphPHqrYtxWZ8obIS-3Yc4UCFp4IhetkwETe6s/s400/poster.jpg" width="262" /></a></div>
<b>Written by</b>: Melvyn Bragg, Norman Jewison, Tim Rice, Matthew, Mark, Luke, John<br />
<b>Directed by</b>: Norman Jewison<br />
<b>Music by</b>: Tim Rice, Andrew Lloyd Webber<br />
<b>Starring</b>: Ted Neeley, Yvonne Elliman, Carl Anderson, Barry Dennen, Philip Toubus, the principal from Billy Madison<br />
<b>Cinematography</b>: Douglas Slocombe<br />
<b>Are we still giving credit to huge movie studios that don't love us back?</b>: Universal Pictures<br />
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There is no great shortage of biblical film adaptations; it's called the greatest story ever told for a reason. There are varying degrees of success here; one can quickly point to either version of <i>The Ten Commandments </i>or <i>Ben-Hur</i> as useful and worthwhile works of art, while <i>Wholly Moses!</i> and <i>Noah's Ark</i> are wastes of time. It's a tricky balancing act; you've got to respect both the belief system that's been around for a couple millennia lest you upset one of the biggest religious movements in the world, but you've got to commit to the art form as well lest you disappoint the general moviegoer. Right about the 1970s, Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Webber had a really bright idea: how about a musical that portrays Jesus Christ as some sort of funk rock superstar?<br />
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Really, were they that far off? Jesus was a real phenomenon in his day, and his disciples weren't his only die-hard fans. As to whether the narrative works, it's widely accepted that this film is largely uneven and certainly not going to please everyone who watches it. It's not even immediately apparent what the film's purpose is, but in the end I'll make the argument that it's more than a bowl of sugar for breakfast.<br />
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The first time I saw this was on an Easter Sunday early in my life, sometime after the morning Mass. Dad put it on for my brother and me instead of <i>Jesus of Nazareth</i>, which was probably the right call. It's one of the first times I remember him explaining how a movie works, what they were trying to get across, and how it tied into my religion and worldview. I liked it enough to buy it on DVD, and I watched it almost obsessively back in high school - it's a surprisingly educational motion picture for a prospective film buff. For this review, I'm just gonna go song by song and capture the feelings I had while watching.<br />
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Overture<br />
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Almost as soon as the movie kicks off, one recognizes how excellent the music is, and how the musical uses various themes repeated throughout the movie to its advantage. The music is about as love-it-or-hate-it as you can get; personally, it's exactly the kinda music I can get into, but others (like the owner of this blog) can't stand. Your mileage may vary, but it's better than most musicals I've listened to. I think the performers this time around are much better than in the Broadway version. That's a somewhat hot take considering how Broadway had Ian Gillan (the lead singer of Deep Purple, one of the best singers I've ever heard) and Murray Head, but Ted Neeley and Carl Anderson just do a better job all around. Yvonne Elliman was retained, and the movie is better for it.<br />
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The basic framing device is that this is a group of American performers who came to put on a performance (for no audience, and with no visible backing band) in the Holy Land of a really controversial musical. This really only comes about in the very beginning and the very end, but it's kinda helpful to show a) how long the message of Christ has lasted and b) this could be just about anyone. It's also useful for explaining why the sets, outfits, and props are the way they are in the movie. Right about the time the cast starts unloading assault rifles from their groove bus, it's immediately apparent why people love this movie, why people protested this movie, and why people have trouble taking this movie seriously. The movie was made by a group of amateurs, and it shows in a number of scenes, but cinematographer Douglas Slocombe wasn't one of them. His fantastic work, subtle in some cases and ostentatious in other shots, is excellent at building the story and showcasing the drama in the work. He later went on to do the first three movies of the <i>Indiana Jones</i> trilogy, which are pretty good from what I've heard.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Sure hope they use that thing responsibly</span></div>
Heaven on Their Minds<br />
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Very easily one of the best songs in <i>Jesus Christ Superstar</i>, this is another bit of controversy, but it's important to have a song like this to let the audience know exactly what the movie is all about. Y'see, there are a number of "villains" in the passion of the Christ: Caiaphas and the pharisees, Pontius Pilate, John Lennon, and obviously Judas Iscariot. The musical makes it clear right from the onset that it will do its utmost to be as fair as possible to all involved, and to be at least somewhat sympathetic to the characters who have long been vilified throughout history. Even if it's not entirely sympathetic, you can at least tell what Judas is dealing with, and what all his hang-ups are throughout his song.<br />
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What's the Buzz<br />
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One of the things I like that the movie does is to portray the political struggles many of the people around Jesus were faced with in their days; the disciples were faced with more than just the salvation of humanity, but also political repression from Rome, and they wanted Jesus to lend more than a spiritual hand. It's also pretty obvious how 70's this is when listening to it, dig-that-funky-beat, etc. Let's appreciate that we moved beyond this sort of fashion, but not this kind of enthusiasm<br />
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Strange Thing Mystifying<br />
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It's debatable as to whether Judas is the main character; I'd still argue Jesus is the protagonist here, but they're almost treated as equals here. They both make good points in their argument, and it's the kind of debate that I kinda enjoy.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">What's my guy on the left doing?</span></div>
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Then We Are Decided<br />
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This song was added specifically for the movie, as a bit of clarification as to what the pharisees were thinking when they decided to eliminate Jesus. In the musical, Caiaphas is left as an unredeemable villain, but this song makes it clear that he's conflicted, and has obligations to his people, and is only doing what he thinks is right. That doesn't make it right, of course, but it adds depth to a character, and any song that does that will earn a bit of praise from me. It does kinda leave Annas as a scheming vizier, though.<br />
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Everything's Alright<br />
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Definitely one of my favorite songs here - it's probably the sexiest song one can do in a tale of the Christ, by which I mean it's got dignity and sensuality. Yvonne Elliman was the perfect choice for this role (before she started doing meth), and her voice couldn't be replaced by anyone else here. Again, Judas and Jesus both raise valid points in their argument, and it shows how Judas' philosophical differences have reached a breaking point. One of the most dramatic moments in the film occurs at the end of the song, where Judas and Jesus clasp hands then let go and drift apart. It was the first time I could tell what a character was thinking without them telling me; i.e., each knows what will become of the other - but not of what will becomes of themselves.<br />
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This Jesus Must Die<br />
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This is where Caiaphas is forced to convince the other pharisees that they're going to have take out Jesus on their own, and it's one of the better ones in the movie. I don't know why Bob Bingham decided to wear a steamrolled Rubik's cube on his torso, but I guess that was just the fashion back then. I've always wondered if people liked to dress up like this, hang out on scaffolding, and bang their hands on the pipes like a bunch of rowdy schoolboys.<br />
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Hosanna<br />
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Perhaps the most forgettable song in the entire movie, it was still a pretty neat decision to have the camera freeze on Jesus' face when his followers ask whether he would die for them. The seriousness of the moment is somewhat diminished by the Looney Tunes marimba in the background. Take it easy for a hot second, Ruth Underwood.<br />
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Simon Zealotes/Poor Jerusalem<br />
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Now <i>this</i> is a showstopped. This is Be Our Guest, from <i>Beauty and the Beast</i>. It's about as useful to the story, too (which is to say, not particularly). I just love experiencing all the time and effort that goes into something like this; look at the athleticism of the dancers, the complexity of the choreography, and the sheer unrestrained energy of Larry Marshall. This also led to my dad explaining the subtler aspects, like the presence of the Roman guards signifying the approaching political dispute that will end in tragedy, Judas fearing the growing hero worship. What if all these people are wrong about him? Ultimately, they are wrong: this is a song about <i>missing the point.</i><br />
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Pilate's Dream<br />
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I'm one of the few Christians I know to find Pilate to be a sympathetic character, and this is one of the songs that convinced me. Pontius Pilate was a man caught in a very difficult situation, and succumbed to the people in an effort to do what he thought would be the safest thing for everyone (particularly himself). The movie never really explains what the deal is with his female companion, though.<br />
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The Temple<br />
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So far this movie has taken a pretty fast and loose approach with the final days of Jesus Christ, but that's alright. I don't mind the slight modernization of historical stories, as long as it's mature, carefully thought out, and useful in some capacity. The movie then decides to throw in gyrating prostitutes, grenades, and honest-to-Ted Neeley gatling gun. It's a pretty jaw-dropping sight, and not for the intended reasons. It's then perfectly understandable that Jesus has such an outburst, and it's nice to have a movie where a powerful person absolutely believes what he espouses, and is not some corrupt lech who's willing to wet the beak just to make a few silver coins on the side. Mr. Pataki thought the follow-up songs featured Jawas.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Don't remember <i>that</i> in the gospels.</span></div>
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I Don't Know How to Love Him<br />
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It's pretty obvious why this is one of the most well-known songs from the musical; not only is Yvonne Elliman at the absolute top of her game, but the song is thoughtful, touching, and emotional. It's got that same thing that kinda bugs me about some of the songs in the musical, where they were clearly written so they could apply to any subject, thus giving it broader appeal to artists interested in covers, but I've warmed up to it over the years.<br />
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Damned for All Time/Blood Money<br />
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Right when I hear that distorted guitar, I know I'm gonna have a great time. You thought the grenades were a bit much in The Temple? How about a set of tanks chasing Judas through the desert? Even my dad couldn't explain that one to me. He was quick to let me know that no, there were no tanks in the Bible. I checked and it turns out he was right. <strike>Older</strike> mature viewers will recognize this song is built almost entirely on the riff from the 60's <i>Batman</i> television show theme song.<br />
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The Last Supper<br />
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This is a complicated one; personally, I feel it's an extremely underrated song. It's the emotional climax of the film, with Judas and Jesus both unloading on each other; it feels more like the dissolution of a friendship than a betrayal of humanity's savior. This is all the more difficult to pull off, because the movie hasn't ever truly shown Judas and Jesus in a friendly manner. I find myself listening to this song more than any other from the soundtrack.<br />
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Gethsemane (I Only Want to Say)<br />
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Intended to be the big solo piece for whoever plays Jesus, this song is a surprisingly weak spot, even though scripturally there's not too many problems here. There's no way anyone could've possibly known what was going through Jesus' mind when he realized he would be crucified, and the insertion of the multiple depictions of His death is somehow dramatically effective at impressing upon Him the salvation He would bring about. My qualms are primarily melodic; even with the exciting moments, it's just not as great as even some of the throwaway songs here. I can't even blame what's going on during the song (just Jesus climbing a mountain and yelling at the sky). Pilate's Dream is one of my favorites and it's just Barry Dennen wandering around whichever nondescript ruins were assigned to him that day.<br />
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The Arrest<br />
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A shockingly good one here; it starts with Philip Toubus (who, with a name like that, unsurprisingly went on to become a prolific adult film director) and the other disciples awaking up and reprising What's the Buzz? and getting ready to defend their leader. Shame they don't actually have swords, because Jesus tells them to drop their swords. I know Ted Neeley covers well by saying this to a Roman centurion (who <i>is</i> armed), but this was clearly supposed to be directed to his disciples, who made the distinctly impolite move to cut off a Roman's ear (big party foul in the Middle East back then). Then it proceeds to show Jesus being accosted by the people as he's taken in custody to Caiaphas, and everyone holds their hands up to his face like they're holding invisible portable recording devices. I guess it's supposed to be a critique of the media, but as Judas will say later on, "Israel in 4 B.C. had no mass communication."<br />
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Peter's Denial<br />
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I don't know why I like this song so much, it's practically a throwaway song, it's a recycled melody (remember Strange Thing Mystifying?) and it's not like anyone was begging to see more of Philip Toubus. I guess I just like their voices, whatever Yvonne Elliman is doing with her face, and that guy's sweet purple tank top.<br />
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Pilate and Christ<br />
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I don't have anything useful to say about this song, besides Christ uttering history's very first "no u". Pilate sends Jesus off to King Herod, who, if I recall correctly, was the guy who originally sent out people to kill this king of the Jews before he had even been born, acting on a prophecy (this is one of the reasons Jesus was born in secret). Sounds like a real evil jerk, I can only imagine what his song is like.<br />
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King Herod's Song<br />
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Hoo boy, where do I even start? The movie's tone flits back and forth between serious dramatic portrayals of scripture and...whatever <i>this</i> is supposed to be. Don't get me wrong, it was one of my favorite songs when I first saw it, and it's a kinda catchy beat. It just misses the entire point of Herod, and is a complete departure from the (somewhat) serious tone of (most of) the rest of the movie. The choreography is pretty damn good, but I can't get over a movie giving the principal from Billy Madison his own song - shirtless, I might add.<br />
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Could We Start Again Please?<br />
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This is a song that was fairly obviously added in to lengthen the movie's run time, but I don't have too much against it. It's a decent song, and it shows how much Mary and the disciples lament the end of not just their following, but their friendship. Unfortunately, it's another one of those songs where it could be about any subject, and it would still make sense. I guess I just like a little specificity in my music. I can't get over Philip Toubus' name. It's too perfect.<br />
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Judas' Death<br />
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It would be a really cheap out to just bring up the <i>Batman</i> theme again, so instead I'll focus on the intensity of this song. It's not just the beginning; the part right after the quiet section is excellent in showing how Judas' mind is swimming, how he feels like he's the one who's been used - not by the pharisees, but by God Himself. The sound the guitar makes still sends shivers up and down my spine. I still don't know how Norman Jewison accomplished the effect of Judas hanging himself.<br />
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Trial Before Pilate<br />
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This is it. The big one. The climax of the entire picture. I gotta admit, this is a tough one to watch - but I mean that in a good way. It's not cheesy or corny or anything, the music is excellently written and performed, and it shows exactly what the main political dispute going on at the time was, and why Pilate is stuck between several rocks and a hard place. The 39 lashes, though, are shockingly hard to watch. I remember sitting through <i>The Passion of the Christ</i>, and that was pretty rough, but one of the things the movie never shows is anyone reacting realistically to Jesus's injuries. Ted Neeley's own mother couldn't watch this scene. I still don't know what's up with Pilate's female companion(s).<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Look, now there's more of 'em!</span></div>
Superstar<br />
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This is a great song, and it's obvious why it was one of the lead singles, but I don't know why it's interspersed with the road to crucifixion. These scenes are remarkably difficult to watch, and it's a shame because Superstar is one of the best songs in the movie, and you can tell how much fun everyone is having. Personally, I haven't got anything to say about the crucifixion scene. It's almost exactly what you'd expect. In the end, it's nice to see everyone get on the bus in their street clothes, adding another element of humanity. One of my favorite parts is seeing the shepherd at the end - who was completely unplanned and unexpected by the crew, by the way.<br />
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Ultimately, I find myself revisiting this movie repeatedly. It's one I can never get sick of. The framing device is a bit odd, but it's no different than the bizarre ones found in other Hollywood musicals. The tone is wildly inconsistent, ranging from 70's camp to crushing seriousness/the-weight-of-it-all. That doesn't make <i>Jesus Christ Superstar </i>bad, it just makes it weird, like the class clown who talks about his troubled life at home with far too much seriousness...and speaks entirely in song.<br />
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As I said above, I'm not entirely sure what the film's purpose is. I know what the thesis is; the final days of Jesus' life were times of doubt and alienation, yet love, and the people around him were not mythical beasts intent to hurt humanity, but understandable, rational people who had their own points of view and were sometimes even pitiable. The purpose, though, is a little bit harder to catch. <i>Jesus Christ Superstar</i> is not exactly likely to convert any nonbeliever to Christianity. I'm pretty sure Tim Rice wrote the musical from the perspective of an atheist, but he's not exactly convincing anyone that Christ wasn't divine with a movie like this, either. I don't think I need to recite the Nicene Creed to let you guys know that I come from a place of bias or anything, but the likelihood is that a lot of people see this the same way I do: a decently respectful, if at times a bit ludicrous, portrayal of the final days of Jesus Christ.<br />
<br />
With twerking.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">I'll see you all at church on Sunday.</span></div>
<br />Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-55085700148591803092018-04-02T05:50:00.000-05:002018-04-02T06:11:49.615-05:00Fitzcarraldo: Conquistador of the Useless<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnd8YEIUOwn8v5OzjHBG7tddvfPLqJnJ5yuDCwWajbS4avcg5Fq9LcTptZYX0tD5tjLD8qGs86DVIIr4gm9X9bJF6eUWhz8sdBk8bhUxv9KVPqPEPw1jzfYquWrEF2Hl2REAdK3aBw8p4I/s1600/poster.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1200" data-original-width="1200" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhnd8YEIUOwn8v5OzjHBG7tddvfPLqJnJ5yuDCwWajbS4avcg5Fq9LcTptZYX0tD5tjLD8qGs86DVIIr4gm9X9bJF6eUWhz8sdBk8bhUxv9KVPqPEPw1jzfYquWrEF2Hl2REAdK3aBw8p4I/s400/poster.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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Director: Werner Herzog<br />
Writer: Werner Herzog<br />
Starring: Klaus Kinski, Claudia Cardinale</div>
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Music by: Popol Vuh</div>
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<i>Fitzcarraldo</i> is a movie about a guy who drags a boat up a hill.<br />
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Brian Sweeney "Fitzcarraldo" Fitzgerald (Klaus Kinski, who's supposed to be playing an Irishman but has a very obvious German accent) loves Italian opera more than I love Italian cuisine. He's so obsessed with opera that he endeavors to build an opera house in the jungles of early-20th century Iquitos, Peru. This isn't quite as easy as it sounds, however; turns out opera houses are expensive (I read that in a book somewhere). It's early 20th-century Peru, there are limited ways to make money - bitcoin hasn't been invented yet - so he decides to get involved in the burgeoning rubber trade. Rubber barons of that time were absurdly rich, essentially the content creators of their era, and Fitzcarraldo is particularly impressed with the wealth of one Don Aquilino, played jovially by José Lewgoy (his voice is simply marvelous). Aquilino is reluctant to give Fitzcarraldo any money, however, noting the latter's well-known failure to finish the Trans-Andean railways (in a particularly telling scene, the rubber baron is more apt to feed his money to his fish than to finance any of Fitzcarraldo's ventures). Accompanying the opera lover is Molly (played by Claudia Cardinale, one of the most beautiful women and most talent actresses who ever lived), his paramour and financier of the boat he will use to transport all that rubber he finds in the jungle. How someone who looks like Kinski landed someone who looks like Cardinale remains unexplained, much to the chagrin of this reviewer.<br />
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Here's the plan: most of the jungles of Peru have already been claimed by local rubber barons, so Fitzcarraldo can't legally access them. The only unclaimed area is the borderline inaccessible area on the Ucayali River, which despite being a major tributary of the Amazon River, is blocked off by a number of rapids. It's awful darned close to the Pachitea River, which is a nearby Amazon Tributary. If a particularly clever were able to bridge the gap between the Pachitea and Ucayali Rivers, he'd stand to make a bundle on the rubber found in the unclaimed parcel, which can then be sold at Atlantic ports. I know this whole thing might be a little bit confusing owing to the requisite knowledge of and familiarity with Peruvian potamology, so I've done my best to include a helpful diagram below:<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZl6TUj3phjtEv941rLgJ6IvMKAzBAnGY-gr5gg87GD25Tp4xzUXG_BG4_q161I8vimJcRTWTRgPAHpVI5uwvnsqrlOLtUna250XOnCI5FJbIHmqEnKyZ4AB98MOb89T6ncdaQIf3DpJCd/s1600/grapefruit-vagina.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="415" data-original-width="620" height="267" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZl6TUj3phjtEv941rLgJ6IvMKAzBAnGY-gr5gg87GD25Tp4xzUXG_BG4_q161I8vimJcRTWTRgPAHpVI5uwvnsqrlOLtUna250XOnCI5FJbIHmqEnKyZ4AB98MOb89T6ncdaQIf3DpJCd/s400/grapefruit-vagina.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">This is the best I could do. You're going to have to use your imagination.</span></div>
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This seems like a pretty good plan, but the bear trap on this Sunday afternoon stroll is the bit about the Pachitea and Ucayali Rivers being "close" rather than "actually intersecting". The reality is the rivers are a couple hundred meters away from each other, at least according to the somewhat inaccurate map he receives of the area. Nevertheless, "it's only the dreamers who ever move mountains," so Fitzcarraldo gets a cook, a captain, an engine man, and a crew, and sets out to gather up as much rubber as possible - while also finding something to do about that gap between the two rivers somehow. The entire crew (save the cook, captain, and engine man) abandon ship when they find out what Fitzcarraldo's boneheaded plan is; this proves to be less of a setback than anticipated, as he's able to cajole a number of the natives of the jungle into helping him with his increasingly ludicrous plan.<br />
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Fitzcarraldo happens upon the shortest possible distance between the two rivers and realizes it's, as I said before, only a couple hundred meters. That's great! Vocabulary quiz time: do you folks know what portage is? Portage is a word every father should teach his son; my brother and I learned it at the ages of 6 and 8, respectively. Portage is basically when you get sick and tired of riding your boat in the water and you carry it on land to another water source. Portage absolutely sucks and I would sooner recommend running a rototiller across your shins than every using a boat on anything other than its intended transport medium. Unfortunately, Fitzcarraldo has to do just that with his boat. But hey, how hard could it possibly be? It's just one lousy boat and one lousy hill.<br />
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Oh.</span></div>
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That steamship you're looking at is three stories tall and weighs 320 tons. That hill is at a 40° angle. That fellow in the white suit is 5'8". This is going to be a lot more difficult than he planned, even with the manpower of as many native Peruvians as Werner Herzog could shamelessly exploit.<br />
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I think I'll stop the plot summary there, because the effort to transport the steamship from one tributary to the other is the main thrust of <i>Fitzcarraldo</i>. One can describe the entire movie with the picture I inserted above, and it's all anyone talks about. There's a couple good reasons for that.<br />
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The first reason this is so critical is because of the artistic/allegorical implications. Fitzcarraldo wants to get rich, as so many of us do, but it's not in pursuit of living comfortably or wielding power over his fellow man; it's about building the most important passion in his life. It's not just for him, it's for the world: this opera house of his is for the edification of all of Peru. He believes he is doing a public good. People liked opera back then almost as much as they like reality television today. That's the best comparison I could possibly come up with. I've often said Honey Boo-Boo was the Antonietta Anastasi-Pozzoni of her day.<br />
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Now, that being said, he is at least a little selfish, repeatedly calling it "his" opera house, and psychotically pursuing it at the cost of hundreds of thousands of soles, backbreaking labor, and more than a couple human lives. When turned down, he even threatens to shut down the local church until his opera house is built, in what amounts to an animalistic tantrum the likes of which perfectly mirror the disposition of Klaus Kinski himself (more on that later). There are constant quotes throughout the movie that he will do what has never been done, that he will win in the end, that as a dreamer he will (almost literally) move a mountain - he almost sounds like a Disney hero, albeit far more fanatical. We all have goals, and we all think ourselves to be driven individuals, but the truth of the matter is that we as humans get distracted by various things in life - whether out of necessity or temptation or what have you. Fitzcarraldo is different. His obsession is not such that would compel him to physically assemble the opera house brick by brick himself, but it is nonetheless this singular goal that drives him on this adventure. The madness and determination toward just one thing in his life only makes the bittersweet ending that much more effective. The hill represents everything standing in his way, while the boat is largely representative of both his previous failures and the single-minded obsession that might be holding him back as much as it propels him forward.<br />
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The other reason the movie where a boat goes up a hill is so impressive is the physical undertaking of the task was just so unbelievable. I'm not talking about the events of the movie, I'm talking about what went on behind the cameras. To truly understand the colossal job that was taken on here, you gotta go back. Way back. Back to when the world was wet and wild.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5fm8YuA99JYltBbsPrcTMUh6GUalqoy1m0-DwRQ0Yru60tUM27M7p2H3VivFQwxyRaYCHQ8Hx_BKWxi9Ppg5sV130Z7E3zbNqPXUZFOwAdbW0174WWvoXMWKmSyG2odeBI0c-wELH-IM/s1600/WAY+back.PNG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="524" data-original-width="700" height="297" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEig5fm8YuA99JYltBbsPrcTMUh6GUalqoy1m0-DwRQ0Yru60tUM27M7p2H3VivFQwxyRaYCHQ8Hx_BKWxi9Ppg5sV130Z7E3zbNqPXUZFOwAdbW0174WWvoXMWKmSyG2odeBI0c-wELH-IM/s400/WAY+back.PNG" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">WAY back. Back to when the earth was in its infancy.</span></div>
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Peru, 1972. Werner Herzog took a tiny cast and crew on rafts down the Huallaga and Nanay Rivers through the Urubamba Valley with a stolen 35mm camera, shooting a movie about a 16th century Spanish conquistador in German on a shoestring budget. The script was written in two-and-a-half days, whereupon someone vomited on several of the pages; the text on these pages has been lost to history and the inside of an inebriated German man's guts. The shoot was plagued by floods, poverty, and general incompetence by all involved. Nevertheless, <strike>she persisted</strike> <i>it was made</i>. It was critical that it be made. That's why Werner Herzog stole the camera in the first place: he simply had to make films. It was his manifest destiny. German personal property laws weren't going to stand in his way. <i>Aguirre, the Wrath of God</i>, is a cinematic classic, perhaps deserving of its own entry on this blog by a more talented writer. Everyone loves Klaus Kinski's performance, as well as the music and tone, but overall the most fascinating part about it is just that it was made against all the odds. It often seems that some of the movies with the most troubled production make for the best film experiences. There are lots of exceptions (<i>Heaven's Gate</i>, <i>Super Mario Bros.</i>, <i>Street Fighter</i>, etc.) but there's about as many that prove my point than don't (<i>Blade Runner</i>, <i>The Evil Dead</i>, <i>Apocalypse Now</i>, <i>The Wizard of Oz</i>, <i>American Graffiti</i>, <i>Singin' in the Rain</i>).<br />
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<i>Fitzcarraldo</i> takes the blue ribbon as far as troubled productions go. Before production even started (this was back in December of 1979), natives of the Aguaruna tribe burned down the film set. Thanks a lot, guys. Now you don't get to help pull this really cool steamship up a hill. Jason Robards was initially cast in the lead role and filmed 40% of his scenes, but he fell ill after six weeks and had to drop out. Mick Jagger (why was he even cast?) also had to drop out, owing to scheduling demands with some rock and roll outfit I've never heard of. A plane crash killed four people. Cinematographer Thomas Mauch split his hand open somehow and had to have it surgically repaired in a 2.5 hour session without anesthesia - he screamed and thrashed in agony as one of the camp prostitutes (a Catholic priest seriously advised Herzog to include prostitutes as part of the production crew lest the men go crazy in the jungle) calmed him by pressing his head between her breasts (I don't think this would be that helpful). The Amahuaca tribespeople launched a scavenging hit-and-run raid on the camp, the aftermath of which is too gory for me to detail. One of the loggers had to cut his own foot off with a chainsaw after a deadly snake bit him (Herzog: "It was a good decision - he lived"). The movie had a capable director, but a thoroughly incapable producer. And then there was Klaus Kinski.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGj7coWoSFn_qadlmFGr2cnwE7HTBY6cGhYTMI64gElTQKL6pCw2qthA1EvchQebnvRXtGviN_9Wr_U_LEW_9J03re4MG3GI-Z5w7YtgWuJIfojk-a3Mmeb-fSFcPioiQDlCFClKqFiFhr/s1600/klaus+kinski.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="269" data-original-width="430" height="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiGj7coWoSFn_qadlmFGr2cnwE7HTBY6cGhYTMI64gElTQKL6pCw2qthA1EvchQebnvRXtGviN_9Wr_U_LEW_9J03re4MG3GI-Z5w7YtgWuJIfojk-a3Mmeb-fSFcPioiQDlCFClKqFiFhr/s400/klaus+kinski.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">"Let's put this dude in our movie."</span></div>
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Much has been made over the years of Klaus Kinski's acting prowess. After unsuccessfully trying to pull a Ted Nugent in an effort to escape a military prison, Kinski tried to get into acting. He made a name for himself over time with his intense portrayals of crazed characters, notably in three of Herzog's films: <i>Aguirre, the Wrath of God</i>; <i>Nosferatu the Vampyre</i>; and <i>Fitzcarraldo</i>. He is largely hailed as an acting giant, gaining much (positive) notoriety for being as intense offscreen as he was onscreen. While this sort of persona seems pretty cool for Jack Nicholson and professional athletes like Johnny "Blood" McNally, I can't agree that it's cool with someone like Kinski. When he wasn't verbally abusing his directors and production crews, he was physically assaulting them. But let's look at a quote from him.<br />
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"Man muß den Menschen vor allem nach seinen Lastern beurteilen. Tugenden können vorgetäuscht sein. Laster sind echt."</blockquote>
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Translated into the Queen's English, this means:<br />
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"One should judge a man mainly from his depravities. Virtues can be faked. Depravities are real."</blockquote>
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That's an awfully salient point from Mr. Kinski. I'm very much inclined to agree with him. I won't be judging him by his excellent performances in classic films. No, instead I will judge him by his many depravities, which include sexually abusing his daughters between the ages of 5 and 19. It's one thing to appreciate the work of an accused asshole (I still love Alfred Hitchcock's movies, and I'll watch anything with Tom Cruise in it), but the deification of Klaus Kinski has to stop. He was so bad on the set of <i>Fitzcarraldo</i> that a native chief made a serious offer to have Kinski killed. The below video is a very mild depiction of his typical behavior.<br />
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I don't mean to get too in-depth over the numerous difficulties everyone encountered (though I'm not close to enumerating all of them); suffice to say, it was a rough shoot for all parties involved. More to the point, it didn't necessarily have to be. <i>Fitzcarraldo</i> is actually based on a real life rubber baron, Carlos Fitzcarrald, who really did decide to lug his stupid steamship over a hill. The difference, however, was that Fitzcarrald's steamship was just 30 tons (the movie steamship, as stated previously, was 320 tons), and it was disassembled before transportation (to be fair, that would've have looked quite as cool on camera). Werner Herzog truly was the conquistador of the useless.<br />
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In the end, the film fills the viewer with a feeling of awe in the face of destiny - or at least I think that's what Herzog is getting at here. There's a lot of redeeming social value here, even if the primary interest of the film in the public's eye is "oh yeah, that movie where a dude drags a boat up a hill." You're never going to see anything like this ever again, especially in today's world of special effects and computer generated imagery. I'm having a difficult time squaring the outcome of this movie with the moral question here; yes, the native tribesmen were arguably exploited, but I'll be damned if they didn't drag that steamship up that hill. I'd prefer not to spoil the ending, but it's not all positive and not all negative. Not everything goes quite the way you expect, but you can still glean a little bit of happiness from what you're presented. I suppose the same can be said of life.Chris the Internhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15086400288996149383noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-77706693814380070252018-02-18T21:11:00.000-06:002018-02-18T21:11:23.251-06:00The Ritual Review - Stop Going in the Woods<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi27ZywvT5bswYHsoUVbp2rZtC-laFuJNTKa106Jd_Q2zZGJW0bS1krHsWn6LOI4npfAFlVwjLIG__H7YM6WGZY7Pgw0r8rogYFDs4lc9tqq2b7E-0Po8_HHs9A22AS-2XknjY4l0fh-V4/s1600/the+ritual+poster+themoviedb.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1600" data-original-width="1067" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi27ZywvT5bswYHsoUVbp2rZtC-laFuJNTKa106Jd_Q2zZGJW0bS1krHsWn6LOI4npfAFlVwjLIG__H7YM6WGZY7Pgw0r8rogYFDs4lc9tqq2b7E-0Po8_HHs9A22AS-2XknjY4l0fh-V4/s640/the+ritual+poster+themoviedb.jpg" width="425" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"If a shortcut was a shortcut it wouldn’t be a shortcut, it would be a route."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; font-weight: bold; outline: 0px;">Directed by:</span><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; outline: 0px;"> David Bruckner (The Signal, V/H/S, Southbound)</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; font-weight: bold; outline: 0px;">Written by:</span> <span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; outline: 0px;">Joe Barton</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; font-weight: bold; outline: 0px;">Starring:</span><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; outline: 0px;"> Rafe Spall, Arsher Ali, Robert James-Collier, Sam Troughton </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; font-weight: bold; outline: 0px;">Release Date:</span><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; outline: 0px;"> February 9, 2018 (US Netflix) </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; font-weight: bold; outline: 0px;">Run Time:</span><span style="background-color: white; border: 0px; color: #3d4145; font-size: 9px; outline: 0px;"> 94 minutes</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><i>***</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Blair Witch Project</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">is one of my favorite horror movies of all time. It doesn't matter how many times I see it, I always get fully engrossed. The atmosphere. The tension. The bickering. The paranoia. The lingering shots in the forest. The unexplainable things happening to them. Many horror movies have tackled the "spooky things happen in the woods" trope, but none got their hooks in me like</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Blair Witch Project</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">, especially not either of its two sequels. You can never fully recapture the magic of a movie that imprinted on you when you were young, but </span><span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Ritual</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">is the closest any film has gotten for me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">Whether it be</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Blair With</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">or</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Descent</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">, group interplay is more important than whatever is out there hunting them. </span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">There's one scene that takes place before their excursion into the woods and it's the most important scene in the movie. It lays the groundwork for the group dynamic, something that's crucial to this specific horror sub-genre.</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">We open with a group of five friends hanging out at a pub and planning their next l</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">ad’s holiday. As you do. </span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">Luke, the main character, is giving off heavy Gary King vibes from Edgar Wright's</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The World's End</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">. The rest of the crew is growing up and he would rather stay at the pub all night and he's beginning to resent them for maturing. The other four aren't fed up with him by any means, but their patience with his juvenile tendencies is starting to wear thin. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">The gang leaves the pub and go for a walk, the other four trying to wear down Luke into going on a hike through the Swedish mountains. Rob seems keen to the idea, but Luke would prefer to get shithoused in Amsterdam. They come across a convenience store and </span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">Luke decides he wants to buy a bottle, despite everyone else being tired and wanting to go home because it's already late and they have adult things to do. Rob follows him inside and the two of them inadvertently walk into a robbery. Luke sneaks behind a shelf and Rob, unable to escape, is killed. Luke goes so far as to grab a bottle and contemplate jumping in to save him, but he can't work up the courage to do it and sits there cowering in fear while his friend dies. We go from this scene of Luke looking at his dead friend he was too scared to save to a shot of them camped out on a mountain with four tents and a cross behind them.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">It's perfect. All of the heavy lifting is done in one scene to set up how they will react to one another. Before they encounter a single hitch in their hike, there is already turmoil in the group. We don't need days to go by or for anyone to kick a map into the river. None of them will say it, but Luke knows each and every one of them blame him for Rob's death</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">in some capacity</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">. This trip is to honor Rob's memory, and you get the feeling they are keeping this dynamic intact solely out of respect for him. You wouldn't be surprised if the lad's holidays become less and less frequent until eventually they stop happening all together. The hike is difficult, especially for their slightly larger friend, but nothing out of the ordinary. Things are going as well as could be expected and yet they're already giving sideways glances towards Luke and dropping lines about how what happened to Rob never should have happened; lines that could easily be interpreted the wrong way. Then, as if on cue, Tubby twists his ankle and they decide the best course of action is to take a shortcut through the forest. </span></span></div>
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<span style="line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Don't ever, ever take a shortcut through the forest.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">What <span style="font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span> gets right that so many movies in a similar vein get wrong is its atmosphere. A lot of movies like this lean way too heavily on jump scares. You can already picture the scenes in your head: no less than 3 separate occasions where someone (bonus points if it's in first person) looks off into the trees because they heard something and then one of their friends grabs them and screams "DID YOU HEAR THAT?!" while a loud cymbal crash plays over the soundtrack. <span style="font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span> is not those movies. What it excels at is the way it slowly - but not too slowly - builds dread and escalates. The stakes are always raising and the group is always in more danger than they were before. Sure they find spooky things, but what sets it apart from other movies is the way it's shot. T<span style="line-height: 1.45;">he unsung hero of</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Ritual</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">is its cinematographer and how he uses the camera to keep you unnerved. This is the third Netflix horror movie I've watched in 2018.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Open House</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">was the drizzling shits and</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Cloverfield Paradox</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">was insanely bad but somehow also incredibly watchable. When I turned on this Netflix movie about a group of guys camping where they shouldn't, I did not expect it to be gorgeous. </span></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOI6T44MJrfDTo3oTH06Eahe0RGu2zCG5089uW0iHJ5-aYEnUgFQIyM7iR-7gnq3_ltWLDy_vCu2WLsiDBeUgHPsnGY00b3-vF8zbAOCsYbZ6siXayJC0Piqd_YSQ_dRI50pb0bfXnkhE/s1600/the+ritual+LOOK+AT+THE+VISTAS.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="588" data-original-width="1270" height="296" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOI6T44MJrfDTo3oTH06Eahe0RGu2zCG5089uW0iHJ5-aYEnUgFQIyM7iR-7gnq3_ltWLDy_vCu2WLsiDBeUgHPsnGY00b3-vF8zbAOCsYbZ6siXayJC0Piqd_YSQ_dRI50pb0bfXnkhE/s640/the+ritual+LOOK+AT+THE+VISTAS.png" width="640" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> is stunningly beautiful. </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.45;">The Swedish mountain backdrops are jaw dropping, and cinematographer Andrew Shulkind (who worked with David Brucker on</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Southbound</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.45;">) does a masterful job of capturing the dense forest in a way that fills you with constant unease. It reminded me of</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Witch</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.45;">- which is always a good thing - the way it would regularly end a scene by lingering on the trees for a couple of seconds too long. When most other movies would cut away to get on to the next set piece,</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Ritual</span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif; line-height: 1.45;">will hold. It will dare you to study the trees and question if you saw something move in the distance. You can't go more than five minutes without a long shot of the desolate forest with eerie music and something growling far off in the distance. You never stop being actively aware of how alone they think they are, and you never stop feeling as if something is lurking slightly out of frame, waiting for its opportunity. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">Horror is my favorite genre, and as much as I love a fun slasher or something dark and morbid, it's movies in the vein of</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Blair Witch Project</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">and</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">10 Cloverfield Lane</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">that I return to over and over again. Movies that fill me with dread; leave a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that something awful is going to happen to the characters and there's nothing I can do to help them.</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">The Ritual</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">gets its gang into the forest quickly and it doesn’t waste any time letting them know they should not be there. First it’s a deer hanging high in the trees and gutted in a way no deer has ever been propped up unless it was being sacrificed in some sort of witchcraft nonsense. After that it's ominous symbols carved in a tree. A dilapidated house buried deep in the woods with some weird shit up in the attic. All the while with lingering zooms deep into the woods with the sound of something growling in the distance. </span></span></div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">And that’s just the first 20 minutes. </span></td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The tension continues to build as we race towards the third act and I’m having a great time while fully engrossed in the movie, but there’s this one thing gnawing in the back of my head. As their lad's holiday gets exponentially worse, we get small glimpses of what’s hunting them. There is this little voice buried in my subconscious whispering “please don’t fuck this up.” It would have been so crushingly disappointing if all of the beautiful cinematography and pounding dread were wasted on another shitty Slender Man. It would have ruined the entire movie and left a sour taste in my mouth I’d never be able to wash out.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span> hosts one of my favorite creature designs I’ve seen in years, and it is not stingy with showing it to you as the movie comes to an end. As soon as I saw a full shot of it, I knew I had to own it in some capacity so it could sit on my shelf forever. The director knows how good it looks, and once we get to the last 20 minutes or so, he puts it on display. There aren’t many things more satisfying than when a movie masterfully sets up a bunch of pins and knocks them all down. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span> is the <span style="font-style: italic;">Blair Witch</span> sequel I’ve been craving since 1999. The cast is fantastic, the film looks beautiful, and it ramps up a feeling of dread that culminates spectacularly in the best creature design I've seen in at least a decade. It takes the base fear of what lies in the deepest darkest reaches of nature and combines it with heavy Nordic/Pagan/Witchcraft vibes. It isn't reliant on fake jump scares to keep the audience on edge like a certain <span style="font-style: italic;">Blair Witch</span> sequel that will not be named here. It's insane to me that a movie like this can appear on Netflix out of nowhere with zero fanfare and easily be my favorite movie of 2018 so far. My biggest regret is I can't see it on a massive screen somewhere, studying every frame of it to see if something moved far off in the distance or if it was just my butthole trembling. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The sign of an effective horror movie isn't if it makes you jump or scream, it's if it stays with you. As I'm writing this, it's 11 at night and my dog needs to go for a walk. We live at the edge of the apartment complex, right next to a fence separating us from the city's nature trail. I've watched <span style="font-style: italic;">The Ritual</span> twice and I am absolutely fucking terrified to take my little puppy out there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><b>See Also</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2018/02/2018-horror-movies.html">2018 Horror calendar</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/user-538895427/episode-xviii-the-blair-witch-project-book-of-shadows-blair-witch-2-blair-witch">Blair Witch Trilogy Episode of Reel Deal, No Sex Appeal</a></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><a href="http://www.keiththompsonart.com/index.html">Artwork from Keith Thompson (creature design)</a></span></div>
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-63764111741185827412018-02-08T23:48:00.000-06:002018-02-18T21:13:28.524-06:00Horror Movies in 2018 - Your Home for Social Thrillers and Post-Horror<div style="-en-clipboard: true;">
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">2016 was a fantastic year for horror and 2017 might have been even better. A24 continues to pump out great indie horror, </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">It </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">made a gorillion dollars, and </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Get Out </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">is a best picture nominee. What a time to be alive. 2018 looks to carry that momentum, and also it doesn't have a single </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Resident Evil </i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">or </span><i style="font-family: verdana, sans-serif;">Underworld</i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> movie on the slate. </span></div>
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<a name='more'></a><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />This will be updated throughout the year because amazing five star movies just appear out of nowhere at a festival in Toronto or Austin or pop up on Netfilx without warning. This will consist of mostly theatrical releases and then a smattering of notable Netflix/Hulu/Shudder exclusives as well as direct to DVD. I won't do every single one of those because I only have a finite amount of time left in this world. Summaries in quotes are taken from IMDb. </span><br />
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Before I Wake</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">January 5</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Mike Flanagan</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Kate Bosworth, Thomas Jane, Jacob Tremblay </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br /><br />"A young couple adopt an orphaned child whose dreams - and nightmares - manifest physically as he sleeps."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">How else would I begin a list of 2018 horror films than with a horror movie that was supposed to come out in 2015? Mike Flanagan has been a very busy man in the last couple of years, and this movie has been completed and ready to be released for years now. Unfortunately, the company that owned the rights to it (Relativity Media) filed for bankruptcy, and <span style="font-style: italic;">Before I Wake</span> has been in movie purgatory ever since. Between finishing this and it finally being released, Flanagan has made <span style="font-style: italic;">Hush, Ouija: Origin of Evil,</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Gerald's Game</span>. Netflix has acquired the rights and now the world finally gets to see this haunted child's terrifying dreams and Thomas Jane's beautiful hair. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Insidious: The Last Key</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">January 5</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Adam Robitel </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Lin Shaye, Leigh Whannell, Angus Sampson, Kirk Acevedo, Caitlin Gerard, Spencer Locke</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Parapsychologist Dr. Elise Rainier faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet - in her own family home."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Welcome friends to the fourth (4) installment of the <span style="font-style: italic;">Insidious</span> franchise. The fourth movie, which takes place after the third but before the first two. Got it? Doesn't matter. Regardless of whether or not it actually ends up being good, because it's a Blumhouse joint it will most likely triple its budget, and at the end of the day the fact that a horror franchise helmed by a 70 year old woman is financially viable is cool as hell. If I'm looking for a reason to get excited for the fourth movie in a horror franchise, I'm looking at the director, and bringing in the guy who did <span style="font-style: italic;">The Taking of Deborah Logan</span>, one of my favorite found footage movies, is a pretty good way to start. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Day of the Dead: Bloodline</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">January 5</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Hector Hernandez Vicens</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Sophie Sk</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">elton, Johnathon Schaech, and more people without Wikipedia pages</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"A small group of military personnel and survivalists dwell in an underground bunker as they seek to find a cure in a world overrun by zombies."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">This is the second of two remakes of George A. Romero's</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Day of the Dead</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">. Why? Because when it comes to horror movies, we're all about could, not should. If a movie can be remade or sequelized, it will be, and there's not a god damned thing any of us can do about it. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Mom and Dad</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">January 19</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Brian Taylor </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Nicolas Cage, Selma Blair, Anne Winters</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i><br />"A teenage girl and her little brother must survive a wild 24 hours during which a mass hysteria of unknown origins causes parents to turn violently on their own kids."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">One of the two men behind <span style="font-style: italic;">Crank</span> and <span style="font-style: italic;">Crank 2</span> wrote and directed a movie in which Nicolas Cage goes insane and tries to murder his children. I'll see y'all there opening night. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Open House</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">January 19</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Directors: Matt Angel, Suzanne Coote</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Dylan Minnette, Piercey Dalton, Sharif Atkins</span></div>
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<i><br /><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A teenager (Dylan Minnette) and his mother (Piercey Dalton) find themselves besieged by threatening forces when they move into a new house."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />In a Netflix exclusive movie, the kid from Don't Breathe and 13 Reasons Why movies into a spooky house with his mom after his dad dies tragically in a car accident. What follows this setup is about 80 minutes of "whodunnit" mystery that ends, spoilers, without ever finding out who actually dunnit. Or why. Or what all of the flashbacks of his dad dying had to do with anything. </span><br />
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<span style="line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 2</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Directors: Michael and Peter Spierig </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Helen Mirren, Sarah Snook, Jason Clarke</span></div>
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<i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"Eccentric firearm heiress believes she is haunted by the souls of people killed by the Winchester repeating rifle."</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I really wish they had stuck with the original title, because <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Winchester: The House That Ghosts Built</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">is incredibly silly but infinitely more fun to say. There are a lot of warning signs that I'm probably not going to enjoy this. A movie dropped unceremoniously into February with every single haunted house trope written and directed by the duo that graced my screen with</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Jigsaw?</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;"> Sure it’s a desperate ploy for Lionsgate to create their own</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Conjuring</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">universe, but I'll end up seeing it, because imagine not seeing a movie where Helen Mirren is a crazy old lady who spends 20 million dollars building a never-ending mansion to escape from ghosts. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Cloverfield Paradox</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 4</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Julius Onah</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Gugu Mbatha-Raw, David Oyelowo, Daniel Bruhl </span></div>
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<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Orbiting a planet on the brink of war, scientists test a device to solve an energy crisis, and end up face-to-face with a dark alternate reality."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Well, how about that. One minute I'm watching the Super Bowl, the next minute I'm learning that not only is there a new Clovefield movie, but it's going to be available to watch on Netflix as soon as the game ends. 2018 is fuckin wild y'all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Victor Crowley</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 6</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Adam Green</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Parry Shen, Kane Hodder, Laura Ortiz, Felissa Rose</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Ten years after the events of the original movie, Victor Crowley is mistakenly resurrected and proceeds to kill once more."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Movies like this are one reason horror is so interesting to me. The original <span style="font-style: italic;">Hatchet</span> was a fun, gory splatfest and an over the top callback to slashers of old. It was a good mix of comedy, horror, and practical gore effect, which are the three most important things in my life. The sequels had diminishing returns and the series just kind of faded away. Cut to last year, where Adam Green hosted a Hatchet 10th Anniversary Event, and when it was time for the movie to start he came out and said "oh hey guys we actually made a new one in secret here you go." Horror is cool as hell. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Ritual</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 9</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: David Bruckner</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Rafe Spall, Arsher Ali, Robert James-Collier</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A group of college friends reunite for a trip to the forest, but encounter a menacing presence in the woods that's stalking them."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Did someone say Netflix Original horror? David Bruckner wrote and directed the "Amateur Night" segment from <span style="font-style: italic;">V/H/S</span>, aka "one of the good segments," and <span style="font-style: italic;">Southbound</span>, an underrated horror anthology. He's got a good track record and I'm a sucker for "guys go into the woods and find disemboweled animals and strange carvings on a tree," so I'm all in. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Read a review of it <b><a href="http://www.terribleblog.net/2018/02/the-ritual-review-stop-going-in-woods.html">right here</a></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Hellraiser: Judgement</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 13</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Gary J. Tunnicliffe</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Heather Langenkamp, Paul T. Taylor, Randy Wayne</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Detectives Sean and David Carter are on the case to find a gruesome serial killer terrorizing the city. Joining forces with Detective Christine Egerton, they dig deeper into a spiraling maze of horror that may not be of this world."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Oof.</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Annihilation </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 23</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Alex Garland </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Natalie Portman, Tessa Thompson, Oscar Isaac</span></div>
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<br /></div>
<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A biologist signs up for a dangerous, secret expedition where the laws of nature don't apply."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">That summary and the little bit we get in the trailer are just vague enough to get my attention without ruining anything. It's based on a well known novel, but I haven't read anything other than <span style="font-style: italic;">Goosebumps</span> in the last 15 years so that means nothing. Natalie Portman is usually good in projects she cares about (i.e. not <span style="font-style: italic;">Marvel</span> or <span style="font-style: italic;">Star Wars</span>) and it's written and directed by the guy who brought us <span style="font-style: italic;">Ex Machina</span>. The fact that it's getting dropped in late February gives me pause, but I'm holding out hope for a bubble world full of nightmare monsters. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Mute</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">February 23</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Duncan Jones</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Alexander Skarsgard, Paul Rudd, Justin Theroux </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br />"A mute bartender goes up against his city's gangsters in an effort to find out what happened to his missing partner."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Yeah, ok, like I'm not going to watch a cybernoir movie made by Duncan Jones with Paul Rudd sporting a big bushy mustache. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Strangers: Prey at Night</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">March 9</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Johannes Roberts</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Christina Hendricks, Bailee Madison, Martin Henderson</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"A family staying in a secluded mobile home park for the night are visited by three masked psychopaths, to test their every limit."</i></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="color: #333333;">Well then. This sequel exists for some reason. 10 years after the original,</span> <span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">Prey at Night</span> <span style="color: #333333;">appears to be doing more or less the same thing, but it's pretty unfair to assume I know the entire plot from a trailer and one sentence text blurb. Johannes Roberts directed</span> <span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">47 Meters Down</span><span style="color: #333333;">, which is fine, and</span> <span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">The Other Side of the Door</span><span style="color: #333333;">, which is less fine. On one hand it's fair to ask if this movie has any reason to exist, but on the other hand home invasions are the most horrifying concept to me so they could churn out a</span> <span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">Strangers</span> <span style="color: #333333;">movie every year a la</span> <span style="color: #333333; font-style: italic;">Paranormal Activity</span> <span style="color: #333333;">and it would still scare the piss out of me. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">A Quiet Place</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">April 6</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: John Krasinski</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Emily Blunt, John Krasinski, Noah Jupe</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A family lives an isolated existence in utter silence, for fear of an unknown threat that follows and attacks at any sound."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">I mean this in the nicest way possible: seeing this in a theater is my worst fucking nightmare. Just look at that trailer. There's a monster that comes when you make noise, so you have to be completely silent. I honestly don't think my weak heart or supple butthole can take the stress that would come from seeing this on a big screen with surround sound. I like getting spooked as much as the next guy, but I do not need this panic attack. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Truth or Dare</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">April 13</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Jeff Wadlow</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Lucy Hale, Tyler Posey, Landon Liboiron</span></div>
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<br /></div>
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<i style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">"A harmless game of Truth or Dare among friends turns deadly when someone -- or something -- begins to punish those who tell a lie or refuse the dare."</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="line-height: 1.45;">Let me see if I got all of this: a haunted game of Truth or Dare, starring one of the stars of</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Pretty Little Liars</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">, directed by the guy who made </span><span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Cry Wolf</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">,</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Never Back Down</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">, and</span> <span style="font-style: italic; line-height: 1.45;">Kick-Ass 2,</span> <span style="line-height: 1.45;">and it's opening on Friday the 13th?</span><span style="line-height: 1.45;"> </span><span style="line-height: 1.45;">It looks like the drizzling shits and I'll see you all there at midnight. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Hereditary</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">June 8</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Ari Aster</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Toni Collette, Gabriel Byrne, Alex Wolff</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"When Ellen, the matriarch of the Graham family, passes away, her daughter's family begins to unravel cryptic and increasingly terrifying secrets about their ancestry. The more they discover, the more they find themselves trying to outrun the sinister fate they seem to have inherited."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">It's that time of the year, folks. That's right, it an A24 movie that looks like a living nightmare firing out of the gate with a ton of festival hype behind it. Does the trailer compare it to <span style="font-style: italic;">The Exorcist</span>? You better believe it does. I hope you are as excited as I am for six months of articles about how it's not a real horror movie. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The First Purge</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">July 4</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Gerard McMurray </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Marisa Tomei, Luna Lauren Velez, Melonie Diaz</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"The film will be a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Why? Because in the world of horror movies, it's all about "can I make a prequel spinoff," not "should I make a prequel spinoff." <span style="font-style: italic;">The First Purge</span> is here to answer all of those questions nobody has been asking about how The Purge came to be. I'm just hoping its subtext is extremely subtle and not screamed in your face for 90 minutes by dipshits wearing masks. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Nun</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">July 13</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Corin Hardy </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Taissa Farmiga, Bonnie Aarons, Demian Bichir </span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A priest named Father Burke is sent to Rome to investigate the mysterious death of a nun."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-style: italic;">The Nun</span>, a third spinoff of <span style="font-style: italic;">The Conjuring</span>, because you deserve it. Interpret that however you wish. The Nun first made his/her/its appearance in <span style="font-style: italic;">The Conjuring 2</span> as a spooky demon thing. I don't know, it's been a year since I've watched it but there's an 80-20 chance I'm right. It has a pretty good chance of being bad, but I'm here for a spooky movie set in Romania in the 1950's. Normally I'd be rolling my eyes at the idea of this even existing, but it's actually funny that a shared universe that involves a spooky nun and a haunted doll is somehow more thoughtfully put together than the DCEU. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Predator</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">August 3</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Shane Black</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Yvonne Strahovski, Olivia Munn, Jacob Tremblay, Thomas Jane, Sterling K. Brown</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">If you're not on board for a Shane Black written and directed sequel to</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-style: italic;"> Predator</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> then honestly I don't know what you're even doing here.</span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The Meg</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">August 10</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Jon Turtletaub</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Jason Statham, Ruby Rose, Rainn Wilson, Bingbing Li</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"After escaping an attack by what he claims was by a 70-foot shark, Jonas Taylor must confront his fears to save those trapped in a sunken submersible."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">So you're telling me a <span style="font-style: italic;">Bojack Horseman</span> character is directing a movie in which Jason Statham fights a shark? God is good, y'all. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: x-large;">Slender Man</span> </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">August 24</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Sylvain White</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Joey King, Annalise Basso, Javier Botet</span><br />
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"Slender Man tells the story of a tall, thin, horrifying figure with unnaturally long arms and a featureless face, who is reputed to be responsible for the haunting and disappearance of countless children and teens."</span></i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Remember Marble Hornets? Watch that instead. This is such a desperate attempt to create a horror cash cow that you don't even have to look at the trailer to know it's a Sony joint. Sony will take any property they can get their hands on and attempt to grow it into a billion dollar franchise for as long as they can until they are consumed by Disney. It looks generic, it looks boring, it looks like it's coming out 5 years too late. It'll probably still make 300 million bucks as long as it's PG-13. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 1.45;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">The House with a Clock in its Walls</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">September 21</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Eli Roth</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Jack Black, Cate Blanchett, Kyle MacLachlan</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A young orphan named Lewis Barnavelt aids his magical uncle in locating a clock with the power to bring about the end of the world."</span></i></div>
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<span style="orphans: 2; widows: 2;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">An all ages horror/fantasy movie? With that cast? Directed by…Eli Roth? Mother fucker, he tricked me into seeing another one of his movies.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Venom</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">October 5</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Ruben Fleischer</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Tom Hardy, Michelle Williams, Jenny Slate, Riz Ahmed</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Y’all thought you could go one page on this site without seeing something related to comic books. Shame, shame. There’s no plot or anything yet. Hell, we didn’t even know for sure until about a week ago that Hardy was playing the Eddie Brock version of Venom. Now we get to spend 8 months playing a cat and mouse game waiting to see the Venom CGI in action. Ruben Fleischer made a ton of garbage and also <span style="font-style: italic;">Zombieland</span>, Tom Hardy is usually good in whatever he’s in regardless of the movie’s quality, and most importantly we get to watch Sony try to launch a Spider-Man cinematic universe without Spider-Man. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Goosebumps: Horrorland</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">October 12</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Ari Sandel</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Jack Black and no one else apparently</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Still no info yet. It took them surprisingly long to get Jack Black to agree to come back, which is a bit worrying. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-style: italic;">Goosebumps</span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"> was much better than I expected it to be, and you know with Horrorland in the title I’m going to go see it. Just me walking into a theater alone with a big bushy beard and loudly eating popcorn surrounded by other people’s children. Completely regular and normal. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Halloween</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">October 19</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: David Gordon Green</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Jamie Lee Curtis, Virginia Gardner, Judy Greer, Nick Castle</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><i>"Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago."</i></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">David Gordon Green and Danny McBride teaming up to write a <span style="font-style: italic;">Halloween</span> sequel the retcons every single movie other than the original. No Paul Rudd, no Curse of Thorn, no magic runes, no Dangertainment. Hell, Michael and Laurie might not even be related. John Carpenter, who famously doesn’t give a shit about anything, seems optimistic about it so that’s good enough for me. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">TBD</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Suspiria</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: Luca Guadagnino</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Chloe Grace Moretz, Dakota Johnson, Tilda Swinton</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A young American ballerina comes to train at a prestigious German dance academy and uncovers the school's dark and menacing secrets."</span></i><br />
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">The fact of the matter with horror movies is that no matter how much you love something, no matter how perfect you think it is, it will always get remade. It was only a matter of time for <span style="font-style: italic;">Suspiria</span>, so if it’s going to be done at least they had the common courtesy to put Tilda Swinton in it. The director of <span style="font-style: italic;">Call Me By Your Name</span> should give us a different take on the original movie and not just try to haphazardly duplicate the original. </span></div>
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<span style="font-weight: bold;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif; font-size: x-large;">Anna and the Apocalypse</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Director: John McPhail</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Starring: Ella Hunt, Malcolm Cumming, Sarah Swire</span></div>
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<i><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">"A zombie apocalypse threatens the sleepy town of Little Haven during the Christmas holidays, forcing Anna and her friends to fight, sing and slash their way to survival with a fast-spreading undead horde in relentless pursuit."</span></i><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">This premiered at Fantastic Fest in 2017 and everyone who saw it went completely apeshit over it. Tons of great hype coming out that not only is it a great zombie movie (which is hard enough to find these days) but a great musical as well. These are two things I don’t enjoy separately, much less together, but I can’t say I’m not interested. Orion Pictures (which still exists I guess) picked it up shortly after the festival closed and are planning to release it around Christmas. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">And just in case you're wondering: <i>The New Mutants </i>got pushed back to 2019. I guess there's only room for one horror/capeshit crossover per year. For now. </span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-size: 13px;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">****</span></span><br />
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-80565893346824915422018-02-05T19:28:00.001-06:002018-02-05T19:28:16.873-06:00Swinging Pizzagate - Super Bowl Preview: It's Steven's Universe and Chris is Living in it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s1600/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1410" data-original-width="1410" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s400/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The end times have come. The Philadlephia Eagles absolutely devastated the Minnesota Hitchbots and now they are one game away from retiring a lifetime of Eagles Trophy Case memes. If that's not bad enough, Chris went 0 for 2 and had to watch two (2) episodes of Steven Universe. It's the Penultimate Pizzagate and we're sadder than ever. </span><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><br /></span>
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<span style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;"><span style="font-weight: inherit;">Listen to it</span><b> <span style="border: 0px; color: #1e46a7; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="https://soundcloud.com/swinging-pizzagate/super-bowl-preview-its-stevens-universe-and-chris-is-living-in-it" style="border: 0px; color: #1e46a7; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">here</a></span></b></span></span><br />
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Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-52875443769560542532018-01-21T11:23:00.000-06:002018-01-21T11:23:11.315-06:00Swinging Pizzagate - NFL Conference Championship Preview: Puffy AmiYugi-Boy<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s1600/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1410" data-original-width="1410" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s400/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The playoffs keep chugging along and boy do I have egg on my face. "Make Chris watch Yu-Gi-Oh," I said, "it'll be hilarious." Well joke's on me. Due in part to Stefon Diggs making one of the most ridiculous plays I've ever seen, I was supposed to watch not one, not two, but three episodes of "Hi Hi Puffy AmiYumi." Supposed to is the key word.<br /><br />I've nearly hit my breaking point, and I fear that if the Eagles make it to a Super Bowl I may never recover.<br /></span><br />
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<span style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Listen to it <a href="https://soundcloud.com/swinging-pizzagate/nfl-conference-championship-preview-puffy-amiyugi-boy" style="border: 0px; color: #1e46a7; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b>here</b></a></span></span></div>
Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8667546596570371038.post-87280093166371865662018-01-15T12:56:00.002-06:002018-01-15T12:56:15.794-06:00Swinging Pizzagate - NFL Divisional Round Preview: Undefeated Playoff Quarterback Blake Bortles<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s1600/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1410" data-original-width="1410" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgijNs7lsB0ewITfEWnRac0A5dxLiXVjtjGnpgK3OlzG_5dn2GMY77_Kxo6Lo2uXzotcH0oMxh6tPJvdrZ0r5cNKOETh0d2qJBu1a19a_4Q6xiWjgQJxT_UESJQ8c-PXEOOopM3e2ZwTio/s400/swinging+pizzagate.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">The NFL playoffs keep chugga chugga chuggign along. Chris and I split our picks 2-2 last week, meaning both of us got to endure equal punishment. Well, relatively equal. Chris got to watch 2 episodes of Yu-Gi-Oh for the first time, and I was lucky enough to pop my Sonic Underground cherry. It's exactly how it sounds, except messier than normal because of the chili dogs. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Oh and also we talk about this weekend's games. But mostly children's anime from a decade ago.<br /></span><br />
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<span style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="font-family: "verdana" , sans-serif;">Listen to it <a href="https://soundcloud.com/swinging-pizzagate/nfl-divisional-round-preview-undefeated-playoff-quarterback-blake-bortles" style="border: 0px; color: #1e46a7; font-style: inherit; font-weight: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><b>here</b></a></span></span></div>
Big Bob Patakihttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07378955821512555611noreply@blogger.com2