Showing posts with label Big Bob Pataki. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Big Bob Pataki. Show all posts

I, Frankenstein - You Either Die a Hero, Or You Live Long Enough to See Yourself Become Frankenstein



Gargoyles, who are actually angels, who transform into humans dressed like they’re from Prince of Persia team up with Frankenstein’s Monster who has super strength, speed, and has been alive for 300 years to stop a Demon Prince from creating an army of the undead using the dead Dr. Frankenstein’s journal. I feel like that sentence and that gif could be the entire review. 

Escape from L.A. - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President (Again)?


Escape from L.A. (1996)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Stacy Keach, Steve Buscemi, Peter Fonda, Georges Corraface
Release date: August 9, 1996
Running time: 101 minutes

I had never seen this movie before. The only things I knew going in were "Snake Plissken" and "surfing." That's it. I had no idea I was going to see a movie from 15 years earlier replayed beat for beat, but with a whole bunch of stupid thrown in. It’s like they dumped the first movie into a blender and poured in some Surge, Blink 182's Cheshire Cat, and a couple episodes of Rocket Power and blended the shit out of them. Funny enough, that combination sounds like the best possible movie. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to watch Escape from New York with a heavy dose of totally radical 90's 

Spring '14 Super Heroes (and Giant Monsters) - Amazing Spider-Man 2, Godzilla, and X-Men: Days of Future Past

I figured not every single review needed to be 6,000 words filled with gifs and images breaking down every intricacy of the plot. So I'm gonna start doing this on top of the full-length ones. Because I'm determined to give myself more work until I become overwhelmed and have a complete emotional breakdown. 

I saw all of these opening weekend, 1 of them opening night, yet didn’t post anything until right now. Did I wait all this time so I could form a well researched and thought out opinion? No, it’s just fighting off panic attacks from trying to write out 5,000 words about Nic Cage invading Alcatraz was enough on my plate. Am I just now going back to these movies because I'm out of ideas, or because I want a cheap excuse to get an increase in views? Yes.

The Evil Dead - One By One We Will Take You

evil dead poster



The Evil Dead (1981)
Directed by: Sam Raimi 
Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 
Release date: October 15, 1981
Running time: 85 minutes

I wanted to change it up and do some horror. I had a lot of series I could do: the obvious big slasher ones like Halloween, Friday, and Nightmare. As I was going down my DVD shelf I spotted the Evil Dead series and realized I had never seen a single one of them. I own 5 Wrong Turns and the fucking direct to DVD third installment of the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” franchise but I’d never seen a single Evil Dead movie start to finish. This makes me an asshole. 

This particular review is going to have a lot more “behind the scenes” stuff usual. I’m not trying to turn this into an IMDb trivia page, but anyone whose seen this movie knows how god damn ridiculous making it was, and for people like me who have never gotten around to watching it, it’s interesting to know how these 5 nobodies and a 20 year old with no money made a cheap movie in the middle of nowhere that went on to become one of the most influential horror movies ever.


This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You don't want to be like me and be called a stupid piece of shit for not seeing it yet. 

Tales from the Crypt - Collection Completed (Season 1, Episode 6)






Collection Completed
Season 1 - Episode 6
from Vault of Horror #25
Aired June 28, 1989
Directed by Mary Lambert
Worst pun: "I want all of you to sit, stay, play dead. Good boy" 

Every retiree needs a pet project. So Jonas takes up taxidermy, turning the many pets his wife Anita dotes upon into a stuffed menagerie. Sit still. Don't move. This one will leave you in stitches!

Escape from New York - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President?



Escape from New York (1981)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Pleasence, Isaac Hayes
Release date: July 10, 1981
Running time: 99 minutes

I had so much fun revisiting Big Trouble in Little China but I couldn't think of what to do next. I'll have done is action so far, and I've got a bookshelf filled with God awful horror movies just waiting for me to waste my time watching. Then I noticed this sitting on the shelf and realized I hadn't seen it in so long I barely remembered any of it. I'm so happy I took the time to revisit it because it's every bit as ridiculous as I remember.  

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell infiltrate a prison island to rescue President Dr. Loomis from Chef.


Tales from the Crypt - Lover Come Hack to Me (Season 1, Episode 5)






Lover Come Hack to Me
Season 1 - Episode 5
from Haunt of Fear #19
Aired June 21, 1989
Directed by Tom Holland
Worst pun: "Open her closet door and see if any family secrets fall out. Beware of skeletons...unless they're yours truly." 


Her stocks, bonds, house: Charles loves everything about Peggy and wants to make sure their honeymoon is a night of (murderous) passions. But there's a family secret Peggy never told him...

Tales from the Crypt - Only Sin Deep (Season 1, Episode 4)





Only Sin Deep
Season 1 - Episode 4
from Haunt of Fear #24
Aired June 14, 1989
Directed by Howard Deutch
Worst pun: "Beauty is only sin deep" Yeah I know it's the title, there's not a lot to work with this week. 


A call girl plans to land a rich playboy and pawns her beauty in order to dress to impress. What? She misunderstands the pawnshop's refund offer? Too late to read between the lines (and wrinkles), girlie!


Big Trouble in Little China - Everybody Relax, I'm Here




Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, James Hong, Victor Wong
Release date: July 2, 1986
Running time: 99 minutes
Number of "Ancient Chinese secret, huh" jokes in here: 0. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

When it comes to a director-actor pair that made a string of amazing movies that made literally no money, there isn't a better pair than John Carpenter and Kurt Russell. This is one of those movies that's great to use as a barometer for someone's taste. If you watch it and don't enjoy it, you can just delete my number out of your phone because you're essentially dead to me. Life is short, and I won't waste a second on it on someone who doesn't love Jack Burton. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell. That's all I'm putting here. If you don't want to see Kurt Russell then feel free to see yourself out, the door is behind you. 


Tales from the Crypt - Dig That Cat… He's Real Gone (Season 1, Episode 3)



Dig That Cat...He's Real Gone
Season 1 - Episode 3
from Haunt of Fear #21
Aired June 10, 1989
Directed by Richard Donner
Worst pun: Sit down kids, it's a fucking DOOZY: "Dying for Dollars could have been a popular game show. They could have put it in between Wheel of Misfortune and the Newly Dead game. Unless they buried it in the wrong time slot."

Shoot him, drown him, hang him, zap him with a kajillion volts - hey, it's a living. A man who receives a surgical graft of a cat's nine lives becomes a carnival sensation with his dying act. 


Tales from the Crypt - And All Through the House (Season 1, Episode 2)


And All Through the House
Season 1 - Episode 2
from Vault of Horror #35
Aired June 10, 1989
Worst pun: "Be very careful of what you 'ax' for for Christmas. You might just get it."

The holiday chopping season runs late when an axe-toting maniac dressed as Santa makes a Christmas Eve visit to a philandering wife who murdered her hubby. Sorry, lady. He's not offering an escape Claus!

Face/Off - I AM CASTOR TROY


I WANT TO TAKE HIS FACE...OFF


Face/Off (1997)
Directed by: John Woo
Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Travolta 
Release date: June 27, 1997
Running time: 138 minutes
Number of 'Travolta is gay' or Scientology jokes: 0. You should be impressed. 

This is it, the end of the trilogy. If Con Air was the Star Wars of funny accents, Face/Off is the Empire Strikes Back of stupid faces.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Nicolas Cage be Nicolas Cage, and then John Travolta be Nicolas Cage. And doves. 

Tales from the Crypt - The Man Who Was Death (Season 1, Episode 1)


The Man Who Was Death
Season 1 - Episode 1
from Crypt of Terror #17
Aired June 10, 1989
Worst pun: "What a re-volting development" or "I'm sure he new knew 'watt' hit him"


A shocking experience! When the death penalty is abolished, a penitentiary executioner turns freelance electrocutioner. But fate may pull a switch on this man who loves to throw the switch.


Con Air - Put the Bunny Back in the Box

WELCOME TO CON AIR


Con Air (1997)
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Nicolas Cage's Hair, John Cusack, John Malkovich
Release date: June 6, 1997
Running time: 115 minutes
Number of people who should have put the bunny back in the box: 1

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Nicolas Cage put as much work into a southern accent as he put into The Wicker Man while John Malkovich and his band of merry b-listers take over a plane. 

The Rock - Your 'Best?' Losers Always Whine About Their Best.

nic cage gif
WELCOME TO THE ROCK


The Rock (1996)
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, William Forsythe
Release date: June 7, 1996
Running time: 136 minutes
Number of cutaways to black extras saying things like "aw hell naw:" at least 40

This is the beginning of the greatest film trilogy of all time. Not Mad Max, not Lord of the Rings, not Star Wars, not even The Mighty Ducks. Nicolas Cage is the star of the greatest stretch of 3 movies ever witnessed by man: The Rock - Con Air - Face/Off. The only way any trilogy could ever compare is if Return of the Jedi was replaced with Godfather 2 and Michael Corleone switched faces with the fat girl from Hairspray. Enough foreplay, let’s get into the Fellowship of the Rock.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see a buddy cop movie where Nicolas Cage and the original James Bond save the world from the bad guy from The Truman Show and his minions Dr. Cox and The Candyman. Basically, watch this movie if you like good movies.