Showing posts with label Movie Review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie Review. Show all posts

The Taking of Deborah Logan - Look Kids, It's A Netflix Horror Movie That Isn't Hot Garbage

Taking of Deborah Logan Poster


Most of the time the Netflix Roulette is a lesson in disappointment and futility. Many times I find myself banging my head against the wall wondering aloud if I'm wasting my time searching for a diamond in the rough that doesn't exist. It exists, and it's The Taking of Deborah Logan

John Wick - Dog Bites Man. Man Bites Dog. Man Shoots Russians in Face.


Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, an ex-hitman who fell in love with beautiful Bridget Moynahan, who is on screen for all of 3 minutes before dying of a terminal disease. To ensure John doesn't grieve alone, she arranges for a dog to be delivered to him after her death. Alfie Allen, the guy from Game of Thrones who diddles his sister on horseback, breaks into John's house and beats him up and steals his sweet ass muscle car. And just for good measure, he kill his puppy. It’s essentially every country song ever: John loses his wife, his dog, and his truck, but at least he still has his gee-tar and an ice cold Bud Light. It turns out Alfie is the son of a mob boss - John's former employer. Long story short, a whole lot of people get shot in the face. What I’m trying to tell you is there is a direct parallel between this movie and the scene in Dragon Ball Z where those guys kill Majin Buu’s dog.


Evil Dead (2013) - One By One We Will Take You. Again.


Poster by Trevor Anderson

Evil Dead (2013)

Directed by: Fede Alvarez
Produced by: Bruce Campbell, Robert Tapert, Sam Raimi
Starring: Jane Levy, Shiloh Fernandez, Lou Taylor Pucci, Jessica Lucas, Elizabeth Blackmore
Release date: April 5, 2013
Running time: 92 minutes - You know it's an Evil Dead movie because by the time you hit the hour thirty mark you're already seeing the soundtrack listing in the credits.

I’m very new to the series but Evil Dead 2 is not only my favorite movie in the Evil Dead franchise but one of my favorite horror movies period. In my research (i.e. Googling a lot) I’ve found the first movie is more or less forgotten, even among some horror fans. Evil Dead 2 is such a perfect "do-over" that it completely overshadows the original in the minds of so many people. Obviously I didn't see this movie when it came out, but I remember the fan backlash. "Why is this so serious? It's missing the point, it's supposed to be funny.” That’s all a load of shit. Sam Raimi didn’t testify in front of a court in the UK because the original was just so fucking hilarious. 


The fan response was all I really knew about this movie going into it. The most vocal people were the people who seemed to know the least about it, if they even saw it. You know, the people who weren’t going to be happy no matter what happened. They were furious about making an Evil Dead movie without Ash, but they would have been just as mad if they’d tried to recast him. Just imagine how hard they’d be tickety typing away online if some no-name actor had the NERVE to say “groovy.” They would have thrown molotov cocktails at the director’s house.


This is the rare remake where it’s not some company buying the rights (Platinum Dunes with Chainsaw, Friday, and Nightmare) and going down the checklist of what’s supposed to be in those particular franchises and hoping to double up on their investment. Raimi, Tapert, and Campbell all served as producers and Raimi handpicked Alvarez, a Uruguayan unknown who up until Evil Dead had made a Youtube short film.


Enough bullshit, let’s get into this. I love the first movie and it’s a cornerstone in the horror genre, but it had plenty of room for improvement. This one is long as shit and there’s plenty of violent gifs ahead, so if you don’t want to explain to your boss why you’re looking at a tongue getting forked by a box cutter, maybe wait till you get home.

Oculus - The Best Horror Movie You Forgot About This Year (Spoiler Free)

oculus movie poster

Oculus stars Karen Gillan (Dr. Who) as a woman who is convinced that an antique mirror is responsible for a bunch of terrible shit happening to her and her family 11 years prior. It's way better than it sounds

Guardians of the Galaxy - Only 2 Weeks Too Late! (Spoiler Free)



In the 10th installment of Marvel's ever-expanding Cinematic Universe, Peter “Star-Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt) is a “legendary” space outlaw with a cool mask, a cassette deck, and a ship named after Alyssa Milano. He finds the Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Chewbacca Groot (Vin Diesel). Like every other Marvel movie, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die. 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Hail Caesar (Spoiler Free)



Here’s the quickest, most spoiler free review I can offer: for a minute in this movie, there’s an ape driving a tank. 5 stars.

Army of Darkness - Hail to the King, Baby



Army of Darkness (1992)
Directed by: Sam Raimi 
Starring: Bruce Campbell and Bruce Campbell 
Release date: February 19, 1933
Running time: 80 minutes

I tried to go in without thinking about the cult status or all of the hype I've heard about this movie over the years. It's one of those movies where even if you've never seen a single frame of it, it's so ingrained in pop culture that you know everything about it. You know Ash, you know the chainsaw, you know the boomstick, you know "groovy." You know most of the beats without ever even knowing who Bruce Campbell is. I tried to put all that aside and go in fresh. It's impossible to go in completely blind, but I'm only going in with a bit of knowledge about it. Most importantly the fact that it's not called Evil Dead 3 for a reason. I'm hoping it still retains a bit of the horror that made me love Evil Dead 2 so much without going completely over the top, but I get a strong feeling I'm not going to get any of it. 


The Raid 2 - Holy Shit, You Guys. You Guys, Holy Shit. (Spoiler Free)



I still remember the first time I saw The Raid:Redemption. I lived with my parents at the time and it was about 3 in the morning when I turned it on, meaning I spent the next 100 minutes making a series of high pitched noises and squeals in an attempt to not scream JESUS FUCKING CHRIST every couple of minutes. So when The Raid 2 was announced I felt like a kid on Christmas. Between The Raid and the Safe Haven segment from V/H/S 2 I had already decided I was going to see anything Gareth Evans put out until he gave me a reason not to. It was in theaters for about 20 minutes before getting pulled, and I waited weeks after I saw HD rips posted on torrent sites just to experience it in full Blu Ray glory in my modest home theater. I’m so happy I waited.

Robocop (2014) - Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Gordon Create Batman


A reboot of a classic movie gets farted into theaters the week of Valentines Day - and its not terrible. Thats almost as impressive as actually building a real, living Robocop. 

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) - I Didn't Ask For My Money Back


You have a Transformers movie. You have Mark Wahlberg, who sang “The Touch” in Boogie Nights. You combine these two things - and you don’t play the song. Not even during the credits. You throw in a My Little Pony joke, but I can’t have the poooowweeeeeeeer? Fuck this.

Evil Dead II - Dead By Dawn



Evil Dead II (1987)
Directed by: Sam Raimi 
Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 
Release date: March 13, 1987
Running time: 84 minutes


Back again in my continuing series of "the most important movies of a particular genre that I've never seen." Up until I started this, I had never seen an entire Evil Dead movie, but sat through that entire piece of shit White Noise where Michael Keaton sees ghosts in video tapes. The first step is admitting you have a problem...

This is the part where I'd normally warn about spoilers, but I think I'm the last person from my generation to watch it, so why bother? Big chinned idiot plays a tape, puts a chainsaw on his hand, kills demons. It's your standard Shakesperean farce. 

Non-Stop (2014) - Taken 2.5



Liam Neeson is Bryan Mills Bill Marks, an ex CIA Agent air marshal on an international flight that gets hijacked. It’s not a madman waving a gun, it’s an anonymous passenger texting Marks, telling him that unless $150 million is placed in an account, someone on the plane will die every 20 minutes. Will he find the terrorist and save his daughter from an Albanian sex trade? 


Escape from L.A. - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President (Again)?


Escape from L.A. (1996)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Stacy Keach, Steve Buscemi, Peter Fonda, Georges Corraface
Release date: August 9, 1996
Running time: 101 minutes

I had never seen this movie before. The only things I knew going in were "Snake Plissken" and "surfing." That's it. I had no idea I was going to see a movie from 15 years earlier replayed beat for beat, but with a whole bunch of stupid thrown in. It’s like they dumped the first movie into a blender and poured in some Surge, Blink 182's Cheshire Cat, and a couple episodes of Rocket Power and blended the shit out of them. Funny enough, that combination sounds like the best possible movie. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to watch Escape from New York with a heavy dose of totally radical 90's 

Spring '14 Super Heroes (and Giant Monsters) - Amazing Spider-Man 2, Godzilla, and X-Men: Days of Future Past

I figured not every single review needed to be 6,000 words filled with gifs and images breaking down every intricacy of the plot. So I'm gonna start doing this on top of the full-length ones. Because I'm determined to give myself more work until I become overwhelmed and have a complete emotional breakdown. 

I saw all of these opening weekend, 1 of them opening night, yet didn’t post anything until right now. Did I wait all this time so I could form a well researched and thought out opinion? No, it’s just fighting off panic attacks from trying to write out 5,000 words about Nic Cage invading Alcatraz was enough on my plate. Am I just now going back to these movies because I'm out of ideas, or because I want a cheap excuse to get an increase in views? Yes.

The Evil Dead - One By One We Will Take You

evil dead poster



The Evil Dead (1981)
Directed by: Sam Raimi 
Starring: Bruce Campbell and 4 other people 
Release date: October 15, 1981
Running time: 85 minutes

I wanted to change it up and do some horror. I had a lot of series I could do: the obvious big slasher ones like Halloween, Friday, and Nightmare. As I was going down my DVD shelf I spotted the Evil Dead series and realized I had never seen a single one of them. I own 5 Wrong Turns and the fucking direct to DVD third installment of the “I Know What You Did Last Summer” franchise but I’d never seen a single Evil Dead movie start to finish. This makes me an asshole. 

This particular review is going to have a lot more “behind the scenes” stuff usual. I’m not trying to turn this into an IMDb trivia page, but anyone whose seen this movie knows how god damn ridiculous making it was, and for people like me who have never gotten around to watching it, it’s interesting to know how these 5 nobodies and a 20 year old with no money made a cheap movie in the middle of nowhere that went on to become one of the most influential horror movies ever.


This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You don't want to be like me and be called a stupid piece of shit for not seeing it yet. 

Escape from New York - Are You A Bad Enough Dude to Rescue the President?



Escape from New York (1981)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Lee Van Cleef, Ernest Borgnine, Donald Pleasence, Isaac Hayes
Release date: July 10, 1981
Running time: 99 minutes

I had so much fun revisiting Big Trouble in Little China but I couldn't think of what to do next. I'll have done is action so far, and I've got a bookshelf filled with God awful horror movies just waiting for me to waste my time watching. Then I noticed this sitting on the shelf and realized I hadn't seen it in so long I barely remembered any of it. I'm so happy I took the time to revisit it because it's every bit as ridiculous as I remember.  

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell infiltrate a prison island to rescue President Dr. Loomis from Chef.


Big Trouble in Little China - Everybody Relax, I'm Here




Big Trouble in Little China (1986)
Directed by: John Carpenter
Starring: Kurt Russell, Kim Cattrall, Dennis Dun, James Hong, Victor Wong
Release date: July 2, 1986
Running time: 99 minutes
Number of "Ancient Chinese secret, huh" jokes in here: 0. I'm pretty proud of myself. 

When it comes to a director-actor pair that made a string of amazing movies that made literally no money, there isn't a better pair than John Carpenter and Kurt Russell. This is one of those movies that's great to use as a barometer for someone's taste. If you watch it and don't enjoy it, you can just delete my number out of your phone because you're essentially dead to me. Life is short, and I won't waste a second on it on someone who doesn't love Jack Burton. 

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Kurt Russell. That's all I'm putting here. If you don't want to see Kurt Russell then feel free to see yourself out, the door is behind you. 


Face/Off - I AM CASTOR TROY


I WANT TO TAKE HIS FACE...OFF


Face/Off (1997)
Directed by: John Woo
Starring: Nicolas Cage, John Travolta 
Release date: June 27, 1997
Running time: 138 minutes
Number of 'Travolta is gay' or Scientology jokes: 0. You should be impressed. 

This is it, the end of the trilogy. If Con Air was the Star Wars of funny accents, Face/Off is the Empire Strikes Back of stupid faces.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Nicolas Cage be Nicolas Cage, and then John Travolta be Nicolas Cage. And doves. 

Con Air - Put the Bunny Back in the Box

WELCOME TO CON AIR


Con Air (1997)
Directed by: Simon West
Starring: Nicolas Cage, Nicolas Cage's Hair, John Cusack, John Malkovich
Release date: June 6, 1997
Running time: 115 minutes
Number of people who should have put the bunny back in the box: 1

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see Nicolas Cage put as much work into a southern accent as he put into The Wicker Man while John Malkovich and his band of merry b-listers take over a plane. 

The Rock - Your 'Best?' Losers Always Whine About Their Best.

nic cage gif
WELCOME TO THE ROCK


The Rock (1996)
Directed by: Michael Bay
Starring: Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage, Ed Harris, Michael Biehn, William Forsythe
Release date: June 7, 1996
Running time: 136 minutes
Number of cutaways to black extras saying things like "aw hell naw:" at least 40

This is the beginning of the greatest film trilogy of all time. Not Mad Max, not Lord of the Rings, not Star Wars, not even The Mighty Ducks. Nicolas Cage is the star of the greatest stretch of 3 movies ever witnessed by man: The Rock - Con Air - Face/Off. The only way any trilogy could ever compare is if Return of the Jedi was replaced with Godfather 2 and Michael Corleone switched faces with the fat girl from Hairspray. Enough foreplay, let’s get into the Fellowship of the Rock.

This review is spoiler filled so if you haven’t seen it yet…

Watch this movie if: You want to see a buddy cop movie where Nicolas Cage and the original James Bond save the world from the bad guy from The Truman Show and his minions Dr. Cox and The Candyman. Basically, watch this movie if you like good movies.