A Christmas Story
Directed by: Bob Clark
Starring: no one of consequence
Writers: Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark
Do I hafta?: Yeah, you hafta.
Showing posts with label Movie Review. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Movie Review. Show all posts
A Nightmare on Elm Street - Stay Away from Uncle Freddy's Puzzle Basement
Wherein a wisecracking high school janitor teaches kids to believe in their dreams
The Handmaiden - Now with Less Octopus
I can't understand a god damned thing Bruce Dickinson is saying
The Phantom Carriage - A Bit of Class Between Wiener Jokes
Or as the Swedes call it, Körkarlen. We’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow.
The Fog - Tom Atkins' Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery
Out of all of John Carpenter's movies, this is one of them.
Batman: The Killing Joke - One Bad Day
This is it, folks. The whole enchilada. An adaptation of one of the most famous Batman stories in history. The definitive telling of Batman and Joker's rivalry. One bad day. Oh yeah, and also Batgirl has a hole in her spine that only Bruce Wayne can fill.
Suicide Squad - It's Guardians of the Galaxy, But Not the Good Kind Like You Want
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| We've got it. The worst of the worst. |
More like the Dirty Doesn't. My column:
Ghostbusters (2016) - The War on Men Begins with the Desecration of Dan Aykroyd's Ghost Blowjob
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Green Room - The Feel Bad Movie of the Year
It's Summer time in the city and you know what they say: no shirt, no shoes, no problem. Put down your textbooks and pick up a book and lay down next to the pool. You've earned it. The Sun is shining, you've got a cocktail with a cute little umbrella in it, and your only concern is getting ambushed by a barrage of water balloons. Sun's out, fun's out, and what better way to soak in the good vibes than watching a 90 minute nightmare?
10 Cloverfield Lane - Mary, This is Not 'Nam. There Are Rules.
A movie so racked with tension, so claustrophobic and stressful, I threw my hands in the air and yelled "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" while pacing in circles not once but twice. And that was on my second viewing in the comfort of my own home.
The Green Inferno - We Get It. You Really Like Cannibal Holocaust
The Green Inferno
Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Eli Roth's Wife, some other people
Release Date: September 25, 2015
Run Time: 100 minutes
...It probably sat on the shelf for two years because it’s really good, right?
Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)
Fantastic Four
Directed by: Josh Trank
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes
I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.
Creep - What the Hell Am I Doing Here?
Creep
Directed by: Patrick Brice
Starring: Patrick Brice, Mark Duplass
Release Date: June 23, 2015
Run Time: 80 minutes
Get it. Like the Radiohead song. I'm so fuckin clever.
Human Centipede 3 - Do Not Watch This Garbage Movie
The Human Centipede III (Final Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six
Starring: Dieter Laser, Laurence R. Harvey
Release Date: May 22, 2015
Run Time: 102 minutes
Hey guys, let’s all agree to stop giving Tom Six money and never speak of this movie ever again.
[50 Shades of Shea] Terminator Genisys - Genesis Spelled with a WHY
Do you think they call it Terminator Mega Dryve in the UK?
The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - The Legend of Curly’s Gold
The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six
Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else
Release Date: October 7, 2011
Run Time: 91 minutes
Directed by: Tom Six
Release Date: October 7, 2011
Run Time: 91 minutes
Now with 100% more rape and projectile shitting
Jurassic World - Hold on to Your Butts....Again
Jurassic World
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow
Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins
Release Date: June 12, 2015
Run Time: 124 minutes
God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Man creates another park anyways, because fuck it. Man creates a genetic hybrid dinosaur that breaks free from its cage. A bunch of extras get eaten.
The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - 2 Hot Teens Go Ass To Mouth And You Won't Believe What Happens Next
It's not just a movie about going ass to mouth. It's a 100% medically accurate movie about going ass to mouth.
Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers
In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.
Mad Max: Fury Road - MAXimum Overdrive
Directed by: George Miller
Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne
Release Date: May 15, 2015
Run Time: 120 minutes
A masked man in a red jumpsuit rides on a truck lined with row after row of massive speakers. As the fleet of trucks pursue their target, he shreds on a double neck guitar that also happens to shoot fire as a squad of drummers furiously pound away on taiko drums. He bounces around effortlessly on bungee cables while his riffs lead the charge into battle. Oh and also a guy named Max gets mad, meets a woman named Furiosa and the best chase scenes I’ve ever seen in my life happen.
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