The Oscar Voters are Cowards


The Oscars are this Sunday and I am livid. Outraged. Incensed. Peeved. During my lifetime I’ve watched the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences prove again and again that they are out of touch. Remnants of a different era, shambling along past their expiration date; a dozen Crypt Keepers who stay frozen in stasis only to be thawed out once a year to pull the lever that says racism is cancelled. They are a relic that needs to be thrown into the trash, and that was made apparent by the complete and total absence of Dragon Ball Super: Broly at the awards.

Cowardice.

There is no other word for it. If they’re not cowards then they’re shit for brain morons. Which would you rather be? Call it ignorance or stupidity, either way there is no excuse for disregarding a film of such significance. It made over 100 million dollars at the box office and is one of the highest grossing anime films of all time. Casablanca made less than 4 million dollars and that's supposed to be some kind of untouchable classic? No, I will not adjust for inflation. Sorry, I don't grade on a curve. 

And yet it is shut out. Nary a nomination to be found. The Academy of Motion Pictures Farts and Cry-ances made the bone-headed decision not to nominate it for Best Picture. I was taught that if you see something, you say something. Well I'm screaming fire in the packed movie theater because that's what this movie is. I'm shouting it from the mountaintops. I'm here and I'm pissed.

Frauds.

Every single nominee pales in comparison to what Broly offers. 1917? Oh wow, a movie about the past. That's what I want to do, continue to look backwards instead of looking forward to what is possible in the future, a future where both Broly and Gogeta are canon. You want a war? How about the greatest war of all: the war of ideas found in Broly, breathing new life into the Saiyan mythos. If I wanted a history lesson I'd read a book, but only the kinds that are read right to left.

Ford v Ferrari? Dragon Ball Z perfected stories about cars years ago. This is a waste of time and money for everyone involved. Unless your car movie involves Piccolo or Vin Diesel or Piccolo played by Vin Diesel, don't even bother. Time is zeni and I don't plan on going broke.

The Irishman? The day I watch a 3 and a half hour movie that doesn't have a single person getting scream punched through an iceberg is the day I'm lowered six feet into the fucking dirt.

Jojo Rabbit? Unless this is a follow up story about Boss Carrot then I don't see any reason why I should waste my time. Wow, a movie about a kid and his imaginary friend, Hitler? When I was a kid I had an imaginary friend. His name was Goku and he saved the world. He also busted in his wife and then chose to stay dead, unlike Hitler who busted alongside his wife in a bunker.  

Joker? One movie is a movie about a man who has been beaten down his entire life by both his parental guardian and the world around him. A sad look at a man who has been failed every step of the way and given no chance to succeed in the world, kicked in the gut from birth until he violently lashes out. The other movie is Joker.

Little Women? I literally don't understand the point of a movie where the women aren't 500 feet tall and crushing me with their heels. This gets celebrated for being a period piece about a couple of dames writing a novel or whatever yet Broly is a period piece about the last days of the Saiyans and is snubbed. You want to know someone else who wrote a novel? Akira Fucking Toriyama. And it was so good he forgot half the characters. Could this snub be because the Saiyans are a warrior race? Oscars So White indeed.

Marriage Story? People get married and divorced all the time. Whoop dee fuck. My parents split up and nobody made a movie out of it, it just meant my dad would let be buy the uncut DBZ tapes from Suncoast so I’d like him more than Mom. I'm supposed to care about the marriage of Black Widow and Kylo Ren but ignore the fact that the marriage of the Godlike abilities of Goku and Vegeta into one unstoppable being is absent? Gogeta and Broly punch each other so hard that it shatters reality, but I'm supposed to be emotionally invested in that skinny dweeb from Girls punching a wall.                                                          
Once Upon a Time in Hollywood? The 60's are over, old man. The sycophants in charge at the Academy would rather jack off a movie that waxes poetic about how great Hollyweird used to be for 4 hours instead of embracing change. Oh wow, the actor is sad. Who gives a shit? Goku would never need a stunt man and Charles Manson would get dusted by the farmer that met Raditz. Absolute junk.

Parasite? Ok well actually I may have gone too far. Parasite is pretty cool. Broly is a movie with so much depth that it's refreshing to kick back and watch a movie like Parasite that doesn't have any subtext.

Super: Broly is a transcendent experience. A feast for the eyes. A phantasmagorical trip that will make you laugh, cry, and no hand ejac. Don't let the stooges in charge or the Cheeto in Chief tell you you're wrong for feeling what you're feeling. Never apologize for speaking the truth. Broly isn't just the best picture, it has the best actors and best actresses. The best score, best cinematography, best screenplay. It is a clean sweep for every single category that exists, has ever existed or will ever existed. Well, all but one. I couldn't give a shit about Best Foreign Language Film. Sorry, I don't read movies.


1 comment:

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