Marvel Cinematic Universe


Iron Man came out a couple of months before I turned 18, and at this rate they won’t stop until I’m in the cold, dead ground. I’ll see you in Hell, Avengers. Quite literally. 

If you’re only interested in what hasn’t been released yet, you can check out the MCU Calendar here.

I’ll go ahead and tell you up front I didn’t write anything about any of the TV series because life is too short to follow them all. 

Phase One
Iron Man (May 2, 2008)
The Incredible Hulk (June 13, 2008)
Iron Man 2 (May 7, 2010)
Thor (May 6, 2011)
Captain America: The First Avenger (July 22, 2011)
The Avengers (May 4, 2012)

Phase Two
Iron Man 3 (May 3, 2013)
Thor: The Dark World (November 8, 2013)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (April 4, 2014)
Guardians of the Galaxy (August 1, 2014)
Avengers: Age of Ultron (May 1, 2015)
Ant-Man (July 17, 2015)

Phase Three
Captain America: Civil War (May 6, 2016)
Doctor Strange (November 4, 2016)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (May 5, 2017)
Spider-Man: Homecoming (July 7, 2017)
Thor: Ragnarok (November 3, 2017)
Black Panther (February 16, 2018)
Avengers: Infinity War (May 4, 2018)
Ant-Man and the Wasp (July 6, 2018)
Captain Marvel (March 8, 2019)
Avengers 4 (May 3, 2019)

After all this Thanos nonsense is over
Spider-Man sequel (July 5, 2019)
Guardians of the Galaxy 3 (TBD)

Netflix
Daredevil (2 seasons: April 10, 2015 with 3rd in development)
Jessica Jones (1 season: November 20, 2015 with 2nd in pre-production) 
Luke Cage (1 season: September 30, 2016 with 2nd in development) 
Iron Fist (March 17, 2017)
The Defenders (August 18, 2017)
The Punisher (2017)

TV
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (4 seasons: September 24, 2013 - present)
Agent Carter (2 seasons: January 6, 2015 - March 1, 2016)
The Inhumans (September 26, 2017)
Damage Control (who knows)
Cloak and Dagger (2018)
Runaways (Hulu at some point in the future) 

Digital Series and One Shots
The Consultant
A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to Thor’s Hammer
Item 47
Agent Carter
All Hail the King
Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.: Slingshot
WHIH Newsfront

***

Iron Man 
May 2, 2008
Director: Jon Favreau
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Terrence Howard, Jeff Bridges, Shaun Toub, Gwyneth Paltrow



The movie that set this entire decade-long license to print money into motion.

Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark, who is captured in a vague Middle Eastern country and is forced to create a suit to ensure his escape. Once he returns home, he creates the Iron Man suit and goes on a series of wacky misadventures until the movie ends with him fighting an old man who is also in a robot suit for some reason.

The Incredible Hulk
June 13, 2008
Director: Louis Leterrier 
Starring: Edward Norton? Huh. Weird. Live Tyler, Tim Roth, Tim Blake Nelson, Ty Burrell, William Hurt



Don't feel bad, I forgot about it, too.

Edward Norton turns into a rage monster and rewrites the script. He also turns into a rage monster that fights another rage monster and they smash up a city. This movie literally doesn't matter.

Iron Man 2
May 7, 2010
Director: Jon Favreau 
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Scarlett Johansson, Sam Rockwell, Mickey Rourke, Samuel L. Jackson



Tony Stark's identity as Iron Man has been revealed to the world and now he's up to his life in shenanigans and wacky zingers. But wait, there's more. Mickey Rourke shows up to set talking in a bad Russian accent and nobody has the balls to tell him to stop. Marvel steps in and crams an entire SHIELD subplot into the movie to set up The Avengers that stops the film dead in its tracks and causes director John Favreau to walk way from filming Iron Man 3. Did I mention Rourke has a robot suit with electric whips?

Thor
May 6, 2011
Director: Kenneth Branagh
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Stellan Skarsgard, Colm Feore, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Kat Dennings, Rene Russo, Anthony Hopkins



All the exciting aspects of Norse mythology and crazy aliens battles are cast aside for a terrible romantic comedy with Natalie Portman, who clearly doesn’t want to be there. Thor makes Papa Odin mad and gets sent down to Earth to live with normal people. He learns what it takes to be a real hero or some nonsense. Who wants to spend time in Asgard when we can drink in the gorgeous and wondrous majesty of…New Mexico?

Captain America: The First Avenger
July 22, 2011
Director: Joe Johnston
Starring: Chris Evans, Tommy Lee Jones, Hugo Weaving, Hayley Atwell, Sebastian Stan, Dominic Cooper, Neal McDonough, Derek Luke, Stanley Tucci



A super soldier fights a magic Nazi who has a space cube. Or something. Sickly little twink Steve Rogers gets injected with hot serum and becomes the buff muscle bound hero Captain America to aid America in World War II. He must stop the Red Skull and his magic cube that gives Nazis evil magic. 

The worst part of this is Hugo Weaving with a creepy red face is probably the best villain we’ve had in this entire universe and we’ll never see him again. 

The Avengers
May 4, 2012
Director: Joss Whedon
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Evans, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Hemsworth, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Tom Hiddleston, Clark Gregg, Cobie Smulders, Stellan Skarsgard, Samuel L. Jackson



A bunch of super heroes and also Hawkeye join forces to fight aliens.

I still can’t believe this movie happened. Thor’s big bad brother Loki threatens the world with an army of aliens or some nonsense, so Iron Man, Cap, Thor, and Hulk join forces with S.H.I.E.L.D. to stop them. 

Iron Man 3
May 3, 2013
Director: Shane Black
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow, Don Cheadle, Guy Pearce, Ben Kingsley



After the events of the Avengers Tony Stark must deal with PTSD and also team up with a child because they're owned by Disney now. Then Ben Kingsley, an old British man, appears as The Mandarin, who was originally on old Asian wizard in the comics, and Guy Pearce has magic lava powers and the whole movie is kind of a shitshow. 

Thor: The Dark World
November 8, 2013
Director: Alan Taylor
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgard, Idris Elba, Kat Dennings, Adewale Aki...Akinn...Akinnuo...fuck it



I think I’ve seen The Dark World a total of 3 times because of cable and I still had to Google the movie because I couldn’t remember the villain’s name with a gun to my head. It’s Malekith, by the way. Turns out maybe “magic space elf wants to turn Earth dark” was the wrong way to go about plotting this movie. But don’t worry kids, Natalie Portman is back looking as disinterested as humanly possible. Hurray. 

Captain America: The Winter Soldier
April 4, 2014
Director: Anthony and Joe Russo
Starring: Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Cobie Smulders, Frank Grillo, Robert Redford, Samuel L. Jackson



After all the shenanigans from The Avengers, Steve Rogers is attempting to adjust to his new life. Everyone he knew is dead or dying and the world has passed him by. Things are going Pretty Great - right up until an assassin named the Winter Soldier starts targeting high ranking S.H.I.E.L.D. members. Cap is branded as a traitor for some reason and is now a fugitive who has to unravel what in the fuck is going on. I’m gonna go out on a limb and say this Bucky guy might have something to do with all this tomfoolery and murder. 

Guardians of the Galaxy
August 1, 2014
Director: James Gunn
Starring: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper, Lee Pace, Michael Rooker, Karen Gillan, Djimon Hounsou, John C. Really, Glenn Close, Benicio del Toro



Peter “Star-Lord” Quill finds the Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora, a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer, a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket, a talking raccoon, and Groot, a giant tree. As is tradition, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die, except with 100% more Vin Diesel 

Avengers: Age of Ultron
May 1, 2015
Director: Joss Whedon 
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Don Cheadle, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, Cobie Smulders, Anthony Mackie



Tony Stark activates a peacekeeping AI program and unleashes James Spader in a robot body. With the planet in danger, Earth’s Mightiest Heroes team up…again. It’s like the first Avengers, but with significantly more terrible fake Eastern European accents.

Ant-Man
July 17, 2015
Director: Peyton Reed 
Starring: Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lilly, Michael Douglas, Corey Stoll, Bobby Cannavale, Judy Greer, Michael Pena, T.I.



I’m not entirely sure why the cool guy from Wet Hot American Summer has a shrinking suit, but I figured I would just roll with it. I’m just as bummed as anyone that Edgar Wright left the project, but Michael Douglas teaching Paul Rudd how to use the Ant-Man suit to pull off a heist is good enough for me. I just wish they had included the part where Pym slaps the shit out of his wife. You know, for posterity. 

Captain America: Civil War
May 6, 2016
Director: Anthony and Joe Russo
Starring: Oh Lord....Chris Evans, Robert Downey Jr., Scarlett Johansson, Sebastian Stan, Anthony Mackie, Don Cheadle, Jeremy Renner, Chadwick Boseman, Paul Bettany, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Rudd, Emily VanCamp, Tom Holland, Frank Grillo, William Hurt, Daniel Bruhl



An incident involving The Avengers results in civilian casualties. The government passes the Hero Registration Act, a law that essentially forces The Avengers to answer to the UN. As one would expect, this causes a rift in the team. Iron Man, with the guiltiest conscience of anyone who has ever lived, supports the act and believes they should be held in check so as to avoid any more innocent loss of life. Captain America is against it because even the guy from the 1940s knows you can’t trust any major world power with a god damned thing. This escalates into a massive battle including Black Panther, Vision, Black Widow, Scarlet Witch, War Machine, Spider-Man, Bucky (because of course), Falcon, Ant-Man, and for some reason Hawkeye. 


Doctor Strange

November 4, 2016
Director: Scott Derrickson
Starring: Benedict Cumberbatch, Chiwetel Ejiofor, Rachel McAdams, Mads Mikkelsen, Michael Stuhlbarg, Benedict Wong, Tilda Swinton 


Dr Orpheus Doctor Strange

Iron Man and Captain America have squared off in a battle for Bucky's heart. The Avengers are in shambles. Spider-Man is in the MCU. Between all of that and all of the competition shooting itself in the foot, Marvel has had a pretty fantastic 2016. So let's go out with a bang - Benedict Cumberbatch talking about chakras in a gruff American accent. 

Stephen Strange is an amazing surgeon who permanently damages his hands in a gruesome car wreck. 
He searches the world for a cure, leading him to be trained in magic by Tilda Swinton. I don't know anything about the lore of Doctor Strange so I'm just going to go into the movie assuming he's a live action version of Dr. Orpheus from The Venture Bros. and that he's going to travel through dimensions and cast spells on Mads Mikkelsen.  



Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2
May 5, 2017
Director: James Gunn
Starring: Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Vin Diesel, Bradley Cooper, Michael Rooker, Karen Gillan, Sean Gunn, Glenn Close, Pom Klementieff, Elizabeth Debicki, Chris Sullivan, Kurt Russell


batista polo guardians

The gang is back. Far away from rampant AI, United Nations treaties, and Elizabeth Olsen's accent, Peter Quill and gang are on a mission to discover the truth about his dad. Or something. I don't know, they're still being vague but Kurt Russell is most likely going to be his pop pop so I really don't care what the plot is. The entire movie could be him and Michael Rooker berating Chris Pratt for 2 hours and I'll see it 12 times.

Spider-Man: Homecoming
July 7, 2017
Director: Jon Watts

Starring: Tom Holland, Marisa Tomei, Zendaya, Tony Revolori, Robert Downey Jr., Michael Keaton.

Michael Keaton Birdman


Oh my sweet Jesus Christ Spider-Man is in the MCU. After stealing the show in Civil War, Tom Holland will star in Sony's newest attempt to not fuck this franchise up. Thankfully it's not an origin story: no radioactive spider, no Uncle Ben, unfortunately no Bonesaw. It's Peter Parker - with suit and powers - balancing high school, being a hero, and a billionaire with metal suits trying to bang his aunt. No plot details yet, but Michael Keaton potentially being Vulture is the first step towards getting the Kraven movie I so desperately want. 


Thor: Ragnarok
November 3, 2017
Director: Taika Waititi
Starring: Chris Hemsworth, Tom Hiddleston, Idris Elba, Mark Ruffalo, Anthony Hopkins, Cate Blanchett, Jeff Goldblum, Tessa Thompson, Karl Urban

Jeff Goldblum Thor Ragnarok


I thought after being burned twice by Thor solo films that there was nothing Marvel could do to get me excited for another one, yet here we are. Let's see, we've got the director of What We Do In The Shadows, a possible Planet Hulk subplot, and Jeff Goldblum as an Elder of the Universe. Chris Hemsworth you big beautiful bounty of biceps, I'll follow you to the ends of Asgard. 

In a cruel twist of irony, the one movie in the trilogy that teases murdering absolutely everyone is the one that Natatlie Portman's garbage character isn't in. 


Black Panther
February 16, 2018
Director: Ryan Coogler
Starring: Chadwick Boseman, Lupita Nyong’o, Michael B. Jordan, probably Andy Serkis

Black Panther Statue


I am absurdly excited for a movie that is nowhere near ready to begin filming. Chadwick Boseman was amazing in Civil War and Creed was absolutely fantastic. I mean, not fantastic enough for anyone a shade darker than Sly Stallone to get recognized for it, but still pretty good. Creed writer/director Ryan Coogler brings titular star Michael B. Jordan along with him, freeing him from the dumpster prison that is Fantastic Four. 

I don't know a single thing about the plot, but there's a pretty good chance it's going to involve Andy Serkis getting his ass beat something fierce. With this director and this cast it will be hard to mess it up and I have full faith i-guys I don't want to point out the elephant in the room but seriously, do you think that giant panther statue will come to life? 

Avengers: Infinity War
May 4, 2018
Directors: Anthony and Joe Russo
Starring: Literally everyone


Thanoscopter


The closer we get to this, the more nervous I get. A decade of movies culminating in all of your favorite heroes and also Hawkeye fighting purple Josh Brolin and his magic glove? This could either be the most impressive undertaking in cinematic history or a wet hot shower fart filmed entirely with IMAX cameras. 

If anyone can do justice with the burden that's been put on the director's shoulders, it's the Russo brothers. I will follow them (and Bucky) to the far reaches of the cosmos. 


Ant-Man and the Wasp
July 6, 2018
Director: Peyton Reed
Starring: Paul Rudd, Evangeline Lily, Michael Douglas

Paul Rudd Wet Hot American Summer


Everyone’s coming back. Also the Wasp is there too. That’s it, see you in 2 years.

Marvel had such a...storied production history with the first Ant-Man and by the grace of God they managed to pull a good movie out of the ashes. What do they do with the sequel? Oh just put it right after the first Infinity War movie. Let's go ahead and spit right in the face of God. 

I'm Peyton Fucking Reed. I didn't just direct Bring It On - I live it. Every single day. Strike me down, I dare you. 


Captain Marvel
March 8, 2019
Director: TBA


Starring: Brie Larson

Brie Larson Rafi The League


Sure seems kind of late in the game to introduce the most powerful character Marvel Studios owns the rights to, but what do I know. I'm not the one making billions of dollars. I'm not as excited for the movie as much as the idea of Brie Larson essentially being the Superman of this universe. Moreso, the crushing realization for sweaty dudes worldwide that a tiny blonde girl could murder their favorite heroes with her bare hands. There could be a bit of backlash at first, but as long as she doesn't fight any ghosts it should be alright. 


Untitled Avengers 4
May 3, 2019
Directors: Anthony and Joe Russo
Starring: Everyone who didn’t die in Part 1

Thanos arrested


I don’t even know what I’ll do with myself when it’s all over. Where do I go from here? What’s the point of even living anymore? How can you call this living? I guess I'll just walk back into the sea an-wait what's that? There's already 3 movies slated for 2020. 

The first 3 phases of the MCU will come to a close as the camera slowly zooms out from the carnage, pulling far back into the sky, into space, into the vast cosmos, into nothingness. It's revealed that all of it took place in Stan Lee's snowglobe, a snowglobe he promptly breaks over Jack Kirby's head when he asks to read over the fine print of the contract he just signed. 



Untitled Spider-Man sequel 
July 5, 2019
Director: TBA
Starring: TBA





The only things we know are that it takes place in Peter Parker’s junior year of high school and that Sony will probably get ahead of themselves and fuck everything up. Again. 

Guardians of the Galaxy 3
No release date has been announced, but considering they've probably made a billion dollars just off Baby Groot merchandise I'm sure this can't be far off


***




0 comments:

Post a Comment