Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever - Please Let Me Die

kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me kill me

I’ve produced two reviews for three movies thus far on this website, and the Terrible Blog brand has never been stronger. For such a small enterprise (we only have Mr. Pataki, myself and a web guru who never seems to show up to the office), we’ve been very successful lately and one can naturally attribute that to the strength of our content. Combine that with the natural love and goodwill toward men that one feels during the holiday season, and you’ve got a positively cheery atmosphere around the Terrible Office. Mr. Pataki’s abuse has cut down significantly; the worst thing he’s done all month is describe my thighs as “milky”.

All that came to an end, however, when I was given the assignment of reviewing “Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas Ever”. I’ll never forget the look on Mr. Pataki’s mug as he laughed that little high pitched titter he gives me whenever I’m subjected to shame and humiliation at his behest. I don’t get it; I’ve been a good boy this whole year and I’m constantly getting shit on for it. This feels like the movie I should have reviewed after a year of work, the sort of thing that drives me absolutely insane so I could get a two week sabbatical. I swear this movie had to have been a throwaway joke from Idiocracy.

First, a modicum of background before the execution: Grumpy Cat is a real cat, whose slave name is “Tardar[sic] Sauce”. Ms. Sauce has a slight underbite and dwarfism, so that’s why she looks grumpy all the time. See, there’s this feeling that maybe the reason T. Sauce is so grumpy all the time is because she’s forced to pose for asinine pictures and photo opportunities (visit the truly odious for examples of this). However, upon realizing that T. Sauce has the equivalent of resting bitch face, it becomes pretty comical to realize she’s just sitting there, oblivious to what people are doing. It’s kind of amazing…and then kind of sad when you sit there thinking about it too long. To cheer yourself up, why not consider buying a pair of Grumpy Cat socks? How about a Grumpy Cat turkey baster? Perhaps a Grumpy Cat pair of assless chaps?

This is literally a scene from the movie.

Anyway, Ms. Sauce's frankly inexplicable and mildly ludicrous popularity led to a stupid movie being made. Not just any movie, though: they went out of their way to cast Aubrey Plaza (Parks and Recreation) as Grumpy Cat's voice. Actually, it's debatable as to who's the bigger star here: Plaza or Grumpy Cat. I'm pretty sure the latter gets top billing. Ordinarily I’m one to blame the director or writer(s) for a movie’s poor execution, but this is the first time I’ve had reasonable cause to say the lead actor/actress is responsible for the movie being a miserable pile of excrement. 
As soon as I heard Plaza’s voice and saw Grumpy Cat, I knew something was seriously wrong here. There’s nothing wrong with deadpan humor; it’s often hilarious, but it just doesn’t work in this film. Actually, maybe that’s erroneous. It’s more like Plaza is the problem. I’ve watched a handful of episodes of Parks and Rec, and I liked what I saw from her character. Her deadpan delivery makes sense there. Here, it’s simply not funny in the slightest, especially because her tone isn’t very consistent, nor does it match the character’s face. Worst of all, the jokes just aren’t funny. Again, this is usually the writer’s fault, but upon looking on the ol’ Wikipedia, it becomes increasingly apparent that this is all Plaza’s fault.


Mystery Science Theater 3000 indeed. MST3K is my favorite show of all time; those episodes and characters have had a major effect on my sense of humor, and it’s a show that always cheers me up when I’m feeling down (i.e., all the time). The writers were called Best Brains for a reason; they were comprised of an assortment of astoundingly brilliant, quick-witted minds that possessed not only a vast array of general knowledge, but also perfect comedic timing in a sort of inimitable-Minnesota, folksy oeuvre. With all due to respect to Plaza, she doesn’t know the first thing about MST3K. In fact, I’m willing to postulate that she’s simply not a funny person. There’s really no other way to explain how every single line she groans falls completely flat, besides the movie being tripe. I can already hear the fans of Parks and Rec, braying like jackasses, telling me to relax, it’s just Plaza’s shtick, this is how she makes her bread, etc. That doesn’t fly, though. There is nothing in this movie to convince any sentient viewer that Plaza has even a passing acquaintance with comedy.

Grumpy Cat lives in a pet shop in a mall, and no one wants her because she’s sooo grumpy. There’s this awful sequence where Grumpy Cat’s fame is paraded in front of the audience, followed by some other irrelevant memes. It serves absolutely no purpose other than to shriek “LOOK WE’RE SELF-AWARE AND THAT MEANS WE’RE TOTALLY NOT EMBARRASSED THAT WE MADE THIS MOVIE”. This movie can only be categorized as an endurance test. I’ve turned it off thrice thus far after being completely disgusted, but I don’t have time to review every Rankin-Bass movie. On with the Sisyphean punishment of watching this horrible, horrible flick.

For my past two reviews I wrote several pages describing practically every scene of some pretty ridiculous plots, but I’m not going to do that here. I wouldn’t be able to even if I wanted; there’s no detail worth remembering or recounting. Actually, I take that back; maybe telling you exactly what happened to me will be like describing the face of an attacker in a shady alley to a sketch artist. There’s a little girl who’s having trouble making friends at a new school, she gets a magic coin that lets her talk to Grumpy Cat, all the animals have annoying voice overs, there’s these two wannabe rockstars that are loud and irritating, a million dollar dog, there’s a trio of middle school girls who are needlessly mean-spirited in the same way Biblical antagonists are unreasonably cruel, a completely irrelevant Christmas party; the whole thing’s a conglomeration of pain and suffering.


Apparently at some point all of the above coalesces into a general storyline where the dog gets stolen by the two rock guys at the behest of a security guard, the girl saves the dog, and adopts Grumpy Cat. Hoo-fucking-ray. That’s as much of the plot as I’m willing to divulge, and it’s certainly more than will be remembered by any miserable soul who’s unfortunate enough to watch this. This movie doesn’t encroach on my time; it trespasses on eternity. The entire mantle of blame can be laid at the feet of one Aubrey Plaza.
I can think of no one who could find this movie even remotely entertaining. Plaza acts with about as much feeling as a fresh-frozen stalk of asparagus. Her asinine “comedic” interruptions would leave a hyena mute. Her performance gives failure a bad name. She’s got a diarrhea of words but a constipation of jokes. She’s got about as much appeal as a Supreme Court decision. Every single sickness-inducing syllable she says makes me want to impale myself on a weathervane. If you watched this and liked it, or even comprehended it, then I don’t get you. I don’t want to get you. Watching this movie is like dying slowly. There’s not a single funny microsecond in the whole movie. Plaza doesn’t even speak in a monotone as much as whine, and what makes it so much worse is she isn’t even the most annoying character in the movie. I’d have pity on those responsible for editing this piece of garbage but for the fact that they signed up for this, knowing this was the Grumpy Cat movie. I seriously regret watching even five seconds of this movie, knowing that I could have been reviewing the Lucky Star Advent Special.

On second thought, maybe I should count my blessings during the holidays. Merry Christmas.

No comments:

Post a Comment