Happy Sunday y’all. We’ve got a day full of exciting, pulse-pounding matchups and also Ravens vs Browns.
JETS 37 - BILLS 31
Frank Sinatra once said “The best revenge is massive success.” Rex Ryan will have to settle for a couple thousand fat slobs in 90’s Starter jackets getting day drunk and doing Swanton Bombs off the balcony while their team almost gives up 40 to Ryan Fitzpatrick. It doesn’t matter that it was a Thursday game, because much like Rob Ryan’s schemes, none of them work.
SEAHAWKS @ RAMS
In case you went to bed early on Monday night, here’s what you missed from the Rams’ offense:
13 drives that resulted in 10 punts, 2 interceptions, and 1 turnover on downs.
The Rams hoarded draft picks for five years and this is what they churn out? This is what you have to show for it? 13 drives, each more pathetic than the last? And then hours later it leaks that they might extend Jeff Fisher for 3 more years. If the Rams somehow pull off this improbable upset that everyone in Seattle is convinced will happen, the Rams FO will put out a press release announcing the extension while popping champagne to celebrate winning Their Super Bowl. And amongst the cheering, Todd Gurley will appear behind Stan Kroenke and slit his throat.
49ERS @ PANTHERS
Week 1 is a funny thing for the 49ers. Remember last year? Remember how they utterly dominated the Vikings on Monday Night Football? Remember how the rest of their season went? Remember Jim Tomsula?
The Panthers also remember week 1. Well, some of them do. When Cam Newton watches tape of the last handful of plays from that game his nose starts bleeding and shit starts flying around the room. You know what the kids say: I'm rubber you're glue, whatever you CTE bounces off of me and oh God who are you?
The Panthers defense is a terrifying entity in a vacuum, and I can't even imagine what kind of unholy nightmare they are going to be coming off of losing to the team that beat them in the Super Bowl. The Niners are travelling across the country on a short week to play an early game against a team with a lot of rest and lot of pent up anger. The 49ers aren't going to lose, they're going to get fucked apart. Colin Kaepernick will take a knee sometime in the third quarter to protest the torrential downpour of an ass beating being bestowed unto them. And as bad as it will be - and it will be as graphic as it is vengeful - they will still get back on the plane and go home holding their heads high that they didn't sign Jeff Fisher to a three fucking year extension.
COWBOYS @ REDSKINS
Look at that man. That is a man who just got the rudest awakening of his life. Clownball is real, and he's living in it.
Imagine the first game of your NFL career and you're thrown into the insane netherverse circus show that is NFC East football. Now imagine having to rebuild the shattered shards of your soul and do it all over again a week later. That Giants game was but the opening salvo, now you must journey to Washington where nothing makes sense, down is up, and racism is encouraged. In case you forgot - and you should have - the Cowboys only had one completely Romo-less victory last season. Against the Redskins. In Washington. Treat yourself to the highlights because it truly is a spectacle. If you turn the volume up real loud you can almost hear the circus music.
I can't wait for this shitshow. It is going to be unwatchable for three quarters and a half quarters and the last 5 minutes will have the Benny Hill theme overlaid. I can never predict these games correctly because how do you predict a force of nature? Despite all the shit Josh Norman got for not shadowing Antonio Brown in their 70 point loss to the Steelers, the reality is it's pretty stupid to alter your entire defense scheme that you've been practicing for six months just to stop one player. And that is why I would bet everything I own on them altering their entire defensive scheme that they've been practicing for six months just to stop Dez. Jason Garrett's conservative bullshit coaching is the one thing keeping this offense from turning into a series of rollouts and Da Bomb, and sooner or later Jerry is going to get tired of losing to Dan Snyder and he's gonna Ask Madden for something that's not a 4 yard drag route by Cole Beasley. One can only pray the Cowboys get down early so the real stupid shit can begin. I'll take 3 bombs to Dez in triple coverage before I see one more god damned Jason Witten curl route short of the sticks.
BENGALS @ STEELERS
I can't even begin to comprehend the number of personal fouls that await these two teams. Last we saw them collide, the Bengals went down in flames and Vontaze Burfict made it his personal mission to drag as many Steelers skill position players to Hell with him as humanly possible. He's still serving his meager suspension for attempted murder, yet I don't think being in sweats instead of pads will hinder him from rushing the field and trying to headbutt Antonio Brown's knees until they're as fragmented as my delicate psyche.
If God was real and fair and loving, the Steelers just wouldn't be able to hang with the Bengals due to all their herbally induced suspensions. Fortunately for them and literally nobody else, God is dead and the Steelers are alive because they can pluck slot receivers out of the god damned air. I can't find a woman who sees me as more than an emotional boyfriend and yet they've conjured enough pro bowl receivers out of steel mills, grit, and witchcraft over the course of Roethlisberger's career to put him in early hall of fame talks. Fuck the Steelers. Fuck Pittsburgh. Fuck me. Please. Anyone.
SAINTS @ GIANTS
Why do I hate the Saints, you didn't ask? Well let me tell you anyways. It has nothing to do with the players, (most of) the fans, that God forsaken PERSONALITY commercial, or the never ending Katrina video packages. It's solely because I work with someone who grew up in New Orleans and if he tells me one more god damned time how I haven't had real gumbo until I visit Nawlins I'm gonna give myself ALS.
The Saints entered this season with allegedly one real defensive back. I've been told his name is Delvin Breaux but I'm almost certain I drafted him in year 5 of my Madden 12 franchise. He was the one NFL caliber player in their secondary and he promptly broke his leg. Odell Beckham is going up against cornerbacks that don't have Wikipedia pages. I was really excited about this game being a high scoring shootout right up until I noticed where that pesky @ was wedged between these teams. Drew Brees is as good at playing football outdoors as I am at being a functioning human being outdoors. The different is he's at least had some success in the past.
CHIEFS @ TEXANS
Holy shit who cares.
But seriously folks...who cares? You already know exactly how this season is going to go for both of these teams and the AFC as a whole. Both of these unwatchable teams will make the playoffs. Alex Smith with limpdick his way in and JJ Watt will carry Brock Osweiler on his big milquetoast shoulders and they'll both beat some teams people actually like just to serve as ritual sacrifices for the Patriots and Broncos. What a nonstop thrillride. Compare that to the NFC, where's there's a nonzero chance that a healthy Romo will take over for Dak and then throw 3 picks against Detroit in the wild card game but still win (because they will never find happiness) and then get stretchered out the next week when Luke Kuechly comes at him unblocked. Famous Jameis could crabwalk his way into upsetting the Packers or Vikings while in the AFC the Bengals lose in the first round again in humiliating and heartbreaking fashion and then sign Marvin Lewis to an extension. Nevermind, I just talked myself into it.
Hurray for football.
DOLPHINS @ PATRIOTS
Tom Brady is suspended 4 games. It's the best chance anyone will have to dethrone the Patriots. The Jets, Bills, and Dolphins went a combined 0-3 in week 1 and the Patriots beat a playoff team with a backup quarterback and no Gronk.
The AFC East race is already over. I know what you're saying: Jimmy Garoppolo is gorgeous. I know what else you're saying: Jimmy has eyes you can get lost in for days and I'll tell you what sailor, I threw away the map. I know what else-else you're saying: There's something about the way he smiles, like he's looking directly at me and telling me it's gonna be ok; I just have to sit tight and let daddy go to work. I know what e-
I've heard a lot of people say the Dolphins played surprisingly well against the Seahawks. If things had just gone a little bit differently they would have won. You're preaching to the choir, pal. If I had zigged instead of zagged I'd be chin deep in strange and doing rails like I was Thomas the fucking Tank Engine. But Kenny Stills and I both dropped the ball so here we are. I've been on the Tannehill defense force his whole career but I just can't do it anymore. I don't have it in me. I have enough mental battles of my own to fight on a daily basis, I do not have the energy to defend him anymore. You're right. You're all right. He's garbage and he'll never win. Not that it matters, because the second that perfect pass bounced off Stills' hands and thudded onto the turf, Ryan's soul left his body. Tannehill spent year after year dealing with Joe Philbin and a coach that looked like PC Principal, but that drop is the straw that broke the camel's back.
But what if? What if things had gone differently and they'd beaten the Seahawks? It would make no difference. Belichick will not allow himself to lose at home to the fucking Dolphins of all teams. Doesn't matter if it's Brady, Jimmy, or Steve Grogan strung up like a scarecrow, he would call in a bomb threat before he let himself be degraded on national television like that.
TITANS @ LIONS
Out of all of the games this Sunday, this certainly is one of them. Remember last week when I challenged you to name a Titans defender? Well if you paid any attention to their game (you didn't) then you've learned one for sure (you haven't). A man by the name of Jurrell Casey, who in limited snaps absolutely shitkicked Minnesota's offensive line, recorded 2 QB hits, and a tackle for a loss. Not bad at all. That's what coach Mularkey thought. Casey may very well be the Titan's best player, and here's what coach had to say:
“Actually we think he ought to play less, a few snaps less. He’s a high-motor, hard guy to block when he’s at full speed. He played a lot of snaps in a row. I’m not talking a dramatic amount. But we thought after watching him and the way he plays, probably less.”
Maybe there's a reason the Titans are always bad. Sure they have a putrid offense, and sure they loaded up on running backs and can't run worth a shit, and sure their defense is made up of journeymen and autodrafted AI, but at least they didn't sign Jeff Fisher to a fucking three year extension.
RAVENS @ BROWNS
Here's your update on the Browns' tank-job one week in: RG3 is on IR, they attempted a fake punt with a direct snap to Duke Johnson with their punter lined up as a tight end and long snapper as a blocker, they only had 10 men on the field on aforementioned play, and they're starting a McCown this week. So yeah, business as usual in Cleveland.
First things first: the guy in Cleveland who assembled the masterpiece that is the Browns jersey with every starting QB duct taped down the back of it retired it after the Cavs won the NBA title. This is entirely his fault and RG3's blood is on his hands.
Second things second: the Browns are to defense what CM Punk is to mixed martial arts.
Third things third: Fuck the Steelers
BUCCANEERS @ CARDINALS
Every single year I talk myself onto the Bucs' bandwagon and every single year I look like a god damned fool. Not this year. I'm leaning heavily towards Carson Palmer - and the offense as a whole - imploding in spectacular fashion, but all I have to do is look at Bruce Arians on the sidelines and the beard he’s rocking. He looks like Luke Skywalker at the end of The Force Awakens. Do you really think this autistic football Jedi is going to lose twice at home? He will use his sorcery to force a touchdown into John Brown's hands come hell or high water.
JAGUARS @ CHARGERS
" Travis Benjamin is going to come up limping and Rivers is going to have to march down the field by throwing bombs to Josh Cribbs wearing a set of those little bitty wheels they put on two legged dogs."
I don't want to say I told you so but kick rocks, nerds. I'm sure the half-empty stadium will be heartbroken to see Keenan Allen on the sideline.
Do you think when Allen went down holding his leg, a voice in Rivers' head said "aaaaah here it goes?" It had to, right? How many times has this happened to him? That man has seen so many collapses - both teammates and the team as a whole - over his career that he must have insane PTSD. I think the trauma of playing quarterback for this gypsy cursed team has a direct correlation to both his stats every year and the number of kids his wife keeps shooting out. He is shellshocked. He has been rocked to his core and is going to keep doing the only things he knows how to do: throwing and fucking. If the day comes that he's not slinging touchdowns to practice squadders or makin' babies it's because he's dead. If there's one thing we know, it's that someone's gonna have to pull him off the field and force him to retire because he's never gonna pull out.
FALCONS @ RAIDERS
Al Davis is smiling up from Hell right now.
The Raiders are my favorite team to watch right now. There's an aura of fun and excitement around them that's missing in the rest of the league. They represent saying 'fuck it, go deep' and 'suck my dick overtime, go for 2.' They're a joy to watch, and that's why I believe in my heart of hearts they'll lose. I can't think of a more boring, vanilla quarterback to stomp out the fun for everyone than Matt Ryan. He's never had a happy day in his life that didn't involve wearing slacks and a polo, and this fucking Melvin is going to rain on our collective parade. I'm mad just thinking about it. It's like the bandwagon is a college party (not that I would know) and he's the RA who has a huge exam in the morning. Everyone ignores him - as they should - and then he calls in Julio to shut everything the fuck down.
COLTS @ BRONCOS
Riddle me this, Coltsnation: When Indy's god awful offensive line fails, and it will, and Von Miller and DeMarcus Ware commit a series of hate crimes on Andrew Lucks's face - when your franchise quarterback is left broken and beaten on the turf by the same team that dismantled him previously - when he's carried off the field and unable to put any weight on his leg- when every breath is agony and he can't move his shoulder, will you think to yourself that as bad as Chuck Pagano is, and he's fucking horrible, at least he's not Jeff Fucking Fisher tied to your franchise for another three years?
PACKERS @ VIKINGS
Sam Bradford, huh? That's the best you could do? You spent years mastercrafting this palace to let Sam Bradford pop its cherry? Imagine Sam's illustrious career. Now live with the realization that in his injury riddled time in the NFL, this is the worst offensive line he'll have played behind. Against Clay Matthews and Julius Peppers. Hope you guys liked Shaun Hill because he's due for an encore at halftime. Then he, too, shall perish.
All shall fall at the hands of the bird murder totem. ACL's will rip and tear like the tenderest steaks. Jordy Nelson will hobble, Aaron Rodgers will fall, Adrian Peterson will Dragon Fist a Burger King Kids Club Kid. It doesn't matter which Kid, they'll all be the wheelchair kid when he's done. The bird murderdome needs blood, and the viking horn will signal the harvest. Once the aviary holocaust is complete, it will quench its thirst with the flesh of man. When it gets a taste, it won't ever stop eating. Matt Kalil can't stop a nosebleed, much less an omnipotent obelisk constructed in man's arrogance, and Sam Bradford will learn the true Trail of Tears as he desperately hobbles to the locker room.
EAGLES @ BEARS
Carson Wentz will play well. He won't be awe-inspiring, but he'll play well. He'll keep himself upright, make the throws he needs to make, and avoid turnovers. The Eagles will get a big win and move to 2-0, and it will appear they've found their franchise quarterback. As the players head to the locker room, Cutler will linger on the field. "That's how it starts," he'll say to no one in particular. "First they love you. They worship you. You're their hero. And then they hate you. They'll boo you. They'll spit on you. They'll threaten your family.
"Then your kid will get a flu shot and start drawing himself as a Sonic the Hedgehog character." He'll look across the field. He will make eye contact with Wentz and give a smile and nod before heading inside.
Or the Eagles will embarrass themselves in ways only the Eagles can. Either way it'll be exciting to see Wentz's first game against an NFL team.