Godzilla vs King Ghidorah (1991) is the Best Movie Ever Made

 ...and doesn't make a god damn bit of sense.

Godzilla vs King Ghidorah

Year: 1991
Directed by: Kazuki Ōmori
Written by: Kazuki Ōmori
Starring: Kōsuke Toyohara, Anna Nakagawa, Megumi Odaka, Katsuhiko Sasaki, Akiji Kobayashi, Yoshio Tsuchiya, Robert Scott Field
Runtime: 103 minutes

Timeline:

Godzilla (1954) -> The Return of Godzilla (1984) -> Godzilla vs Biollante (1989) -> Godzilla vs King Ghidorah (1991)

Godzilla returned after a much needed hiatus in 1984 with The Return of Godzilla. He was no longer the friend to all the boys and girls who enjoyed hanging out with his doofus son on Monster Island. He was a destructive force of nature who was probably a metaphor for something. I can't be certain as to what, I wasn't paying attention to the talking parts as a kid. That was followed by Godzilla vs Biollante, which paired him against an all new monster that was both a fantastic original creature design and a technical marvel behind the scenes. Godzilla won that battle, but was absolutely mollywhopped at the box office by Back to the Future 2. Toho was left with no choice but to hit the big red Ghidorah button. Writer/director Kazuki Ōmori looked at the box office and said "oh, you like time travel, do ya?" 

The result is an incomprehensible movie that merges time travel, kaiju battles, and every big sci-fi movie of the prior decade. And I love it like my own son.

That's why I've asked you all to join me today. This won't a typical review. It can't be. I'd like to be brief, give you three paragraphs about the monsters, and be out of your hair. It's simply not possible to do Godzilla vs King Ghidorah justice that way. I can't talk about this particular Godzilla flick without discussing the plot at great length. You don't have to re-read that, I know you don't believe me. You don't have to, but you do have to trust me. This is one of the most beautifully convoluted movies I've ever seen, and I've seen a lot of nonsense. Every step forward is followed by three steps back. Those steps are immediately followed by giant monsters fighting each other. I've assembled you all here not to lecture you, but to plead my case. I'm going to give you irrefutable evidence that Godzilla vs King Ghidorah is an unparalleled spectacle in the art of throwing as much against the wall as possible, and in turn, that it's the best movie ever made.

Japan. 1992.

Things are going about as well as they can in a world with Godzilla in it. That is until time travelers from the year 2204 arrive with both a warning and a stupid plan. The Futurians (I swear to God that's what they're called) warn our heroes that in the future, Godzilla completely rocks Japan's shit. Shocking news, I know. Their dumbass idea for morons is to take people from 1992 and travel further back in time to 1944. Which event in World War 2 are they going to prevent, you ask? I promise it's not the one you're thinking. They're traveling to Lagos Island, where they will find the dinosaur that will eventually be hit by nuclear bombs. It won't happen in 1944, but it will later. After the bombs drop at some point later (but not then), the dinosaur will eventually become Godzilla. At some point. To prevent this, they are going to teleport the dinosaur to the middle of the Bering Sea. There will still be nukes, they are just going to teleport a dinosaur. I notice a couple of hands up in the room. Some of you are asking how they have spent 200 years trying to kill Godzilla and the only workable plan they've come up with is "hit a T-rex with Instant Transmission." That is a fantastic question, and I'm glad you asked.

...So they go back in time after asking startlingly few questions for the time travelers and their cyborg friend. Oh, did I not mention the cyborg? Well, you guys liked The Terminator, right? Y'all went and spent your money on that and didn't see Biollante. You guys must love cyborgs. As I was saying, the humans hop onto the space ship called MOTHER with their cyborg friend. You guys liked Alien too, right? They travel back to 1944 and observe the first of many all-time great scenes. 

Let me introduce you to the Godzillasaurus. Hand to God that is its name. Our heroes from the future and the further future hide in the bushes and watch as Japanese soldiers are attacked by American troops. They can't alter history (if you say so), leaving them no choice but to sit on their hands. And just when all hope seems lost, a big fucking dinosaur emerges from the forest and tries to scare the Americans away. The Americans respond exactly as you think they would and light his ass up. What follows is a scene that I watched with tears of laughter in my eyes. The big, bloody dinosaur stomps all the troops to death. It doesn't attack a single Japanese soldier. This is the closest I've come to wanting to abandon my country to become Japanese since I was a kid and thought that Dragon Ball AF was real and I could only get it overseas. I imagine that watching this in a theater in Japan was like watching the portals opening in Avengers: Endgame.

They go through with the teleporting nonsense. The plan is a rousing success. Our heroes go back to the future (hey, wait a second) and in 1992 Japan, things are bad. Hold on, this can't be right. They asked almost no questions and then permanently altered the past, which I understand is the literal one and only rule across every single piece of fiction involving time travel. How are things bad? Make it make sense. Well, you see, Japan is getting absolutely dusted by King Ghidorah. "Now how in the hell did he get here?" you inquire. Great question. Right before they left 1944, one of the Futurians let 3 Dorats loose on the island. What's a Dorat? Fantastic question.

It's so fucking cute that it has me on the verge of tears. Also: you guys liked Gremlins, right? 

The Futurians, now confident in their victory, reveal their master plan. In their time, Japan is the economic global superpower. They've surpassed America, Russia, and China. Stop laughing at Russia being included, things were different in '91. Simply put: this can not stand. The balance of power must be restored. The only way to destroy an all powerful Super Japan is to destroy it with a big ass monster. But they needed one they could control. Nukes may be outlawed in the future, but King Ghidorah isn't. 

1992 King Ghidorah is laying waste to everything and if you've seen a Godzilla movie, you know there's only one thing that can stop him. Problem is, due to time travel shenanigans, He doesn't exist anymore. Now class, I put you in the driver's seat. We must rack our brains and find a way to bring Big G back to save us. But how?

I'm hearing a lot of answers out there. A lot of good ones, a whole lot more stupid ones. Unfortunately none of you hit the stupidest one of all. Our heroes load up a nuclear submarine to go find the Godzillasaurus underwater. Why would they assume that a dying dinosaur that they teleported into the ocean 5 decades ago would still be alive? Great question. They're in luck! It turns out that at some point between 1944 and 1992, a Soviet nuclear submarine disappeared. I'll give you three guesses what happened, first two don't count.

That's right class, Godzilla already exists. He's just hanging out down there, biding his time. I'm sure you have a lot of questions about this "new" Godzilla. Absolutely do not think too hard about it. I know what you're thinking. You're saying "Teacher, Teacher. Curiosity is a core element of human cognition and one of the most significant contributors to our species surviving." You rascal, you can't help yourself. Go ahead, knock yourself out: Is it the same Godzilla as the previous movies or an entirely new monster? It probably is. Or maybe it isn't. That's not for us to know, because the writers didn't know either.

Godzilla absorbs the nuclear energy that our heroes brought him and essentially supercharges himself. The idea that kickstarted this movie is that Godzilla is too strong in the future. After traveling through time and creating a 3 headed demon, all the Futurians have accomplished is teaching The King of the Monsters the Kaio-Ken.

Super Saiyan God-zilla arrives in Japan and squares off against King Ghidorah. It is exactly as cool as you think it is, which is extremely. The fight climaxes in a moment that really upset Younger Me. Ghidorah uses one of its three heads to choke Godzilla so hard that he starts foaming at the mouth.

Never fear Younger Me, Godzilla uses his atomic breath to blow Ghidorah's middle head clean off. I don't know about you, but saying that sentence gets me so fired up. Ghidorah tries to fly away to recover, but Big G blows holes through his wings and he falls into the ocean, presumably dead. Thank God, the evil kaiju has been defeated and the protector of Earth re-what do you mean there are still 20 minutes left?

With nobody standing in his way, Godzilla begins rampaging through Japan. "So was the entire thing pointless?" Great question, the best you've asked me so far. There is only one thing that can stop Godzilla, but Ghidorah is lying dead in the ocean. We must rack our brains and find a way to bring Big G back to save us. But how?

The answer to your query is time traveling to 2204 (off screen, of course) and returning moments later with their new monster. Ladies and germs: Mecha-King Ghidorah. I see a lot of hands. How did they make his big ass robot head? How long did it take? Why didn't anybody stop them from making it? How did they know how to make it? How was a clearly dead Ghidorah still alive 200 years later? If this technology exists, why couldn't they have just made a Mechagodzilla in the future and skipped this whole song and dance? How is there even a future to return to if an even more powerful Godzilla is destroying everything?

I can answer all your questions with this simple answer: look at how fuckin cool he looks

The robot head is piloted like a Gundam, take your questions elsewhere

As a kid, I thought Mecha-King Ghidorah was the coolest thing I had ever seen. As an adult, I know I was right. The two of them fight, brawl, and kiss a little. It's everything you would want out of the finale. It ends when MKG shoots out a bunch of electric cables to bind Godzilla and flies them both away. Where to? We'll never know, because Godzilla blasts him to hell while they're in mid air. They fall in the ocean, teasing a stalemate. But then Godzilla wakes up and we all cheer and hug each other. Yes, it does end that abruptly.

I'll be back (depending on the box office returns)

A wise man once said "this shit means something to me, man" and I couldn't agree more. I love this stupid, nonsensical monster movie. I love that thinking about it for even a second makes you feel crazy. You gaslight yourself into thinking you fell asleep and missed the 20 minutes that would make everything make sense. But that cut of the movie only exists in your head. I love Ghidorah's stupid origin, I love the term "Godzillasaurus," and I love robot dragon heads that shoot electricity.

I mentioned at the top how plot heavy this was going to be. Would you believe me if I said this was the abridged version that had been cut down to the bone? If/when I talk about more kaiju movies, I promise you that maybe one or two of them will include anywhere near this much detail. But that's why Godzilla vs King Ghidorah stands out. The 7 decade long franchise includes movie after movie after movie where you patiently pretend to care about the human characters until the monsters show up. Something is always happening in Godzilla vs King Ghidorah. Whether or not it makes any sense is not my concern. In the world we live in now, every character is part of an IP, that is part of a cinematic universe, where every single aspect is meticulously plotted out to ensure four quadrant profit. It's so refreshing to see a movie that says "I don't know man, he was a dinosaur that only killed Americans. King Ghidorah is a Megazord now. That girl has a psychic link to Godzilla." 

I love it with all my heart. Plot holes aren't real, continuity is for cowards, and entertainment is all I care about. That is why Godzilla vs King Ghidorah is the best movie ever made. Now get your shit and get out of my class.