Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers

In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.

Three attractive girls go to a cabin in the woods to help Blonde Girl get over her boyfriend cheating on her. They are obnoxious, unlikable, and wearing little to no clothing. So basically it’s a horror movie. At first her friends are frustrated at the lack of WiFi or phone service, but forego technology in the spirit of helping their best friend triumph through a horrible moment in her life. Putting your love and trust in another human being and having them go behind your back is one of the worst thing that can happen to a person, and the two most important people in her life are there to see her through it. Until their boyfriends (along with her ex, because why not) show up and then they just leave her in the same room as her ex while they bone down late into the night.

After the 25th gratuitous titty shot, the group is attacked by what they believe is a rabid beaver, beat it to death with a baseball bat, and then next thing you know they’re swarmed by an entire horde of them. Blah blah blah working through their differences, blah blah blah crying hugs and apologies, yadda yadda yadda making peace before death by rodent. They live, they learn, they get attacked by beavers. 

I honestly think I would enjoy the movie less if they didn't look this shitty 

In case the title wasn’t enough of a giveaway, Zombeavers knows exactly what kind of movie it is. Regardless of my thoughts on the movie itself, I have to say I appreciate them naming the movie that and completely owning up to what they are. There’s no bait and switch here. You know good and well that you’re going to get a solid 80 minutes of beaver jokes and topless 20 year olds. As a wise man named William Shakespeare once wrote, “vaginas are the soul of wit.” You, reader at home, were you aware of the fact that “beaver” is slang for a woman’s reproductive organ? Oh, you didn’t? Well holy shit are you in for a crash course. If there was a class for “Funny Names for a Vagina 101” this would be the 6 hour Sunday morning defensive driving course.

As many of those jokes as there are (SO. MANY.), the rest of the humor is pretty on point. I’m not gonna say it’s horror-comedy to the level of Shaun of the Dead or anything, but it’s self aware and hits on way more jokes than it misses. I can’t begin to count how many horror movies I’ve seen that thought they were next level, genre-deconstructing meta humor that were nothing more than stilted actors looking right into the camera and delivering the clumsiest “subversive” humor some film student vomited onto Final Draft. So compared to the endless void that is Netflix horror, it’s pretty high on the list. 

The other thing you’ll find in that trash heap is movies that promise monsters in the title and on the cover but can’t afford a costume so it’s in shadow or POV for 80 of the 88 minutes. This movie knows what it is and hits you early and often with an onslaught of deliciously terrible animatronic beavers and a healthy dosage of over the top gore. And remember folks, they’re not just beavers, they’re zombeavers. So you’re asking yourself, what exactly does getting infected by a zombie beaver mean? Do you come back from the dead? Do you grow beaver teeth? Is your life so empty that you would watch this movie? The answer is yes. 

Jesus Christ Daggett, what have you done?

There’s not much else to say. You read the name, you read the description and you know exactly what you’re in for. There’s no Cabin in the Woods twist here. If you don’t find these types of movies funny, this isn’t going to change your mind. If your eyes roll back in your head the second you read “zombie beaver” then feel free to one star that shit and get it out of your recommendations.

But enough about those people who have taste. Let’s say you’re like me and are willing to devote an hour and a half of your life to a movie where bad actresses fight puppets and grow giant beaver teeth. Is it still worth it? The real question is, are you watching it by yourself? In that case you can probably skip it, especially if you’re sober. If I had been sitting home alone on a Friday night (aka the usual) and put this on, more than likely I would’ve checked out 20 minutes in and stared at my laptop until I heard beaver noises. But if you’re with friends and you’ve had a couple of beers or perhaps a tall glass of water and you’re looking for a garbage movie where the girls are almost always half naked, all the characters are completely unlikable, and Bill Burr tells John Mayer in a fake mustache about the time he dated a man for a week, then it’s worth a watch.


1 comment:

  1. It was good fun, I guess. A few excellent surprises. Funny moments. Smart dialogue!