Robert the Doll - The Hundred Year Old Haunted Doll

Picture taken by Susan Smith

Good evening, Creeps and Creepettes. Welcome to my haunted library of ghosts, goblins, and squatches. A world of frights and delights; of monsters, ghouls, and dolls that creep and crawl. I'm here to open my grimoire and tell you about urban legends, cryptids, folklore, mythology, and haunted curiosities hidden away in the Warren's Occult Museum. Most importantly, I'm going to tell you which of them I could kill with my bare hands. 

Today's case is Robert the Doll, one of the original 'Haunted Doll' cases in America. Robert is an absolute menace, a straw-filled scoundrel that brings disaster and misfortune to anyone who disrespects him. Nowadays he can be found in a museum in Florida, and he'll stay there if he knows what's good for him.

Horror Movies in 2020 - What Do You Mean Chris Rock Is In A Saw Movie?

The world is terrible and literally on fire, but at least we have horror movies. A new decade of #content is dawning, and I am waiting with open arms to be showered in remakes, sequels, sequels to remakes, and giant monsters. 

Horror Movies in 2019 - Sophomore Slumps and Murdering Chumps

Your body isn't elastic enough to receive the amount of Blumhouse that's about to be crammed into it.

The Devil Inside

Tired of found footage? Tired of exorcisms? I’ve got just the movie for you. 

The Ritual Review - Stop Going in the Woods

"If a shortcut was a shortcut it wouldn’t be a shortcut, it would be a route."

Horror Movies in 2018 - Your Home for Social Thrillers and Post-Horror

2016 was a fantastic year for horror and 2017 might have been even better. A24 continues to pump out great indie horror, It made a gorillion dollars, and Get Out is a best picture nominee. What a time to be alive. 2018 looks to carry that momentum, and also it doesn't have a single Resident Evil or Underworld movie on the slate. 

Silent Hill 3 - Just a Little Bit Overrated

Taking a break from my massive Tekken retrospective, I deigned to replay the original Silent Hill  a couple days ago. It still holds up as one of my favorite games ever made, and my pick for the scariest game ever made. Even though the 1999 PS1-era graphics make it look like the Blocky Horror Picture Show, the first Silent Hill game is fascinating in just how well it succeeds at creating an effectively chilling, horrific atmosphere. There are flaws to be sure; the aforementioned graphical limitations do no favors unless one is into that sort of thing (like I am), the voice acting is about as bad as one might expect for a PS1-era survival horror game, and it's a bit hard to buy the idea of an all-powerful cult when you only see one of its members, yet I find myself replaying it at least once a year to remind myself just how scary it is and how engrossing the atmosphere is. Silent Hill has to be one of the absolute finest games ever made.

Goosebumps - The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

The Haunted Mask (Part 1)

Season 1 - Episode 1

from Goosebumps #11

Aired October 27, 1995

Directed by Timothy Bond

Starring a ton of Canadians

Horror Movies in 2017 - I'm Mad As Hell About Sequels and I'm Gonna Tweet About It

2016 was an amazing year for horror. Not only were low budget, independent studios putting out some of my favorite movies of the year, but even major studios were consistently cranking out some solid scares. I'm still riding high off that sweet, sweet adrenaline rush so I decided to compile a constantly-updating, ever expanding list of big horror releases for this year. 

This will be updated throughout the year because amazing five star movies just appear out of nowhere at a festival in Toronto or Austin or pop up on Netfilx without warning. This will consist of all theatrical releases and then a smattering of notable Netflix/Hulu/Shudder exclusives as well as direct to DVD. I won't do every single one of those because I only have a finite amount of time left in this world. 

A Nightmare on Elm Street - Stay Away from Uncle Freddy's Puzzle Basement

Wherein a wisecracking high school janitor teaches kids to believe in their dreams

The Phantom Carriage - A Bit of Class Between Wiener Jokes

Or as the Swedes call it, Körkarlen. We’ll get there fast and then we’ll take it slow. 

The Fog - Tom Atkins' Groovy Pirate Ghost Mystery

Out of all of John Carpenter's movies, this is one of them.

Green Room - The Feel Bad Movie of the Year

It's Summer time in the city and you know what they say: no shirt, no shoes, no problem. Put down your textbooks and pick up a book and lay down next to the pool. You've earned it. The Sun is shining, you've got a cocktail with a cute little umbrella in it, and your only concern is getting ambushed by a barrage of water balloons. Sun's out, fun's out, and what better way to soak in the good vibes than watching a 90 minute nightmare? 

10 Cloverfield Lane - Mary, This is Not 'Nam. There Are Rules.

A movie so racked with tension, so claustrophobic and stressful, I threw my hands in the air and yelled "fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck" while pacing in circles not once but twice. And that was on my second viewing in the comfort of my own home.  

Silent Night, Deadly Night - Santa's Watching, Santa's Creeping

Silent Night, Deadly Night

Directed by: Charles Sellier

Starring: Nobody

Release Date: November 9, 1984

Run Time: 85 minutes

Body Count: 13

In the Winter of 1984 a slasher directed by the man who created Grizzly Adams snuck into theaters. The poster depicted an axe-wielding Santa Claus going down a chimney and old white people were less than thrilled about it. It opened on the same day as A Nightmare on Elm Street and made more money at the box office, but the power of middle class white people was too strong to fight and it was unceremoniously yanked from theaters. So what is so special about this silly little Santa Claus murder movie? Why does this film have such a strong cult following, and why in God’s name are there four sequels? Let’s dive in. If the movie itself is even half as good as its name, we should be in business.

Jack Frost - The Most Important Film Duology Since Drumline

Santa's Slay - The Most Important Wrestler-Dressed-As-Santa-Murdering-People Film of Our Generation

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBERG

Friday the 13th - It's Got A Death Curse

Friday the 13th
Directed by: Sean S. Cunningham 
Starring: Betsy Palmer, Adrienne King, Kevin Bacon, Not Kevin Bacon, Ms. Not Kevin Bacon
Release Date: May 9, 1980
Run Time: 95 minutes 
Body Count: 11 (if you include the snake)

In the late 1970's an exploitation filmmaker named Sean S. Cunningham placed a full page ad in the papers to drum up interest in a movie. He had no backing, no script, just a name: Friday the 13th ..."The most terrifying film ever made!" The name sounded cool and nobody sued him over it, and that was all the green-lighting he needed. He took the most memorable parts of Halloween and Psycho, sprinkled in some Kevin Bacon, and a franchise was born. 

The Green Inferno - We Get It. You Really Like Cannibal Holocaust

 
The Green Inferno
Directed by: Eli Roth
Starring: Eli Roth's Wife, some other people
Release Date: September 25, 2015
Run Time: 100 minutes

...It probably sat on the shelf for two years because it’s really good, right?

Creep - What the Hell Am I Doing Here?

Creep

Directed by: Patrick Brice

Starring: Patrick Brice, Mark Duplass

Release Date: June 23, 2015

Run Time: 80 minutes

Get it. Like the Radiohead song. I'm so fuckin clever.