Fixed: The Worst Movie I'll See All Year

Written by: Jon Vitti, Genndy Tartakovsky (allegedly)
Directed by: Genndy Tartakovsky (allegedly)
Starring: Adam DeVine, Idris Elba, Kathryn Hahn, Fred Armisen
Shat out by: Sony Pictures Animation
Spread around by: Netflix
Runtime: mercifully under 90 minutes

I watched an animated movie about a talking dog and I didn't like it.

Stand by Me - Stephen King's Best Movie

                                                  

Written by: Stephen King, Raynold Gideon, Bruce A. Evans
Directed by: Rob Reiner
Starring: River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, Jerry O'Connell, Kiefer Sutherland, John Cusack, Richard Dreyfuss

"It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer. But I didn't. That was the one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or written about it until just now."

Halloween III: Attack of the Magical Irish Androids

Written by: Tommy Lee Wallace, Nigel Kneale (uncredited), Debra Hill (idea)

Directed by: Tommy Lee Wallace
Produced by: Debra Hill & John Carpenter
Cinematography: Dean Cundey
Soundtrack by: John Carpenter & Alan Howarth
Starring: Tom Atkins, Stacey Nelkin, Dan O'Herlihy

There are precisely two (2) good movies in the Halloween franchise. The first is Halloween (1978). The other is Halloween III: Season of the Witch.

Flight Risk: A Disaster Movie, but Not the Good Kind Like You Want

 

Written by: Jared Rosenberg
Directed by: the award-winning director of Braveheart, Apocalypto, and Hacksaw Ridge

Starring: Marky Mark, Michelle Dockery, Christopher Grace

Frankly I expect better from Mel Gibson.

Tubi Trash: Shark Side of the Moon

 

Shark Side of the Moon is a Tubi Original brought to you by The Asylum. It is of upmost importance to let the gravity of that sentence marinate before you continue reading. A Tubi Original. From The Asylum. There hasn't been a more devastating pairing in entertainment since the Dudley Boyz.

The Bad Seed's Comically Bad Ending

 

Different kind of shocker

Writer (novel): William March
Writer (play): Maxwell Anderson
Writer (screenplay): John Lee Mahin
Director/Producer: Mervyn LeRoy
Cinematographer: Harold Rosson
Starring: Nancy Kelly, Patty McCormack, Eileen Heckart, Evelyn Varden, Henry Jones
Runtime: 129 minutes

I need to talk about the ending of this movie really quick.

My Memory of Super Bowl XLIX

It's astounding, sometimes, the things that stick with us over the years. We each have a small collection of "I remember where I was when..." moments; they could be 9/11, the birth of a child, the assassination of John F. Kennedy, meeting the woman who would become your wife, etc. These memories are personal, and indelibly stamped on our hippocampi. I'd like to share one of my memories with you today. It's the story of where I was during Super Bowl XLIX.

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - The Legend of Curly’s Gold

The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six

Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else 
Release Date: October 7, 2011
Run Time: 91 minutes

Now with 100% more rape and projectile shitting 

Jurassic World - Hold on to Your Butts....Again

Jurassic World
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow

Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins

Release Date: June 12, 2015

Run Time: 124 minutes

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Man creates another park anyways, because fuck it. Man creates a genetic hybrid dinosaur that breaks free from its cage. A bunch of extras get eaten.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - 2 Hot Teens Go Ass To Mouth And You Won't Believe What Happens Next

It's not just a movie about going ass to mouth. It's a 100% medically accurate movie about going ass to mouth. 

Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers

In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.

Mad Max: Fury Road - MAXimum Overdrive

Mad Max: Fury Road
Directed by: George Miller

Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne

Release Date: May 15, 2015

Run Time: 120 minutes

A masked man in a red jumpsuit rides on a truck lined with row after row of massive speakers. As the fleet of trucks pursue their target, he shreds on a double neck guitar that also happens to shoot fire as a squad of drummers furiously pound away on taiko drums. He bounces around effortlessly on bungee cables while his riffs lead the charge into battle. Oh and also a guy named Max gets mad, meets a woman named Furiosa and the best chase scenes I’ve ever seen in my life happen. 

Disney's Marvel's Joss Whedon's Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 2 Presents - Avengers: Age of Ultron

Avengers: Age of Ultron 
Directed by: Joss Whedon

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, James Spader, 30 other people 

Release Date: May 1, 2015

Run Time: 141 minutes

Tony Stark and Bruce Banner attempt to create the ultimate peacekeeping artificial intelligence and neglect to tell the rest of the Avengers about it. Everything goes horribly wrong, there's an army of evil robots, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes have to quit bickering and work together to save the world. It's the first movie, but with James Spader and those 2 people who weren't Godzilla but were in 90% of the movie. 

Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?

Furious 7
Directed by: James Wan

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.

The Guest - What's A Handsome Guy Like You Doing In A Place Like This?

The Guest
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett 

Starring: Dan Stevens, Maika Monroe
Release Date: September 17, 2014 
Run Time: 100 minutes

David (Dan Stevens) is a gorgeous, beautiful hunk of dudemeat sculpted out of the finest marble by the Gods above. He’s also a soldier returning from active duty and paying a visit to the Peterson family. The Petersons are still grieving over the recent death of their son Caleb, who served alongside David. David is polite. He doesn’t eat or drink much. He rarely sleeps. His sole mission is to help the Petersons with anything they need. Whether it’s helping their son Luke with school bullies or lending his ear to dad as he rants about getting passed up for a promotion, David just wants to make their lives easier. Their daughter Ana begins to suspect David might not really be who he says he is. And then some people wind up dead. 

You're Next - Surprise Crossbows & Home Alone Traps

You're Next
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett

Starring: Sharni Vinson, A.J. Bowen, Joe Swanberg 

Release Date: August 23, 2013 
Run Time: 94 minutes

The Davison family are having a reunion in their secluded vacation home in the woods to celebrate mom and dad’s 35th wedding anniversary. Mommy and Daddy Davison, their four children and their spouses all gather at the house and tensions immediately boil over. The fighting is cut short when a tumultuous dinner is interrupted by an assault from relentless animal-masked murderers. Overpowered and out of their element at first, the family is surprised to learn that Erin, girlfriend of the fat sheep of the family, Crispian (whose name I refuse to acknowledge as a real name), was trained by her father as a survivalist expert for 15 years and has a series of Kevin McCallister traps for this very occasion.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - “It’s Satan’s Arm. It’s A Long Story."

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (Død Snø 2)  
Directed by: Tommy Wirkola

Starring: A bunch of Norwegians and Martin Starr

Release Date: February 12, 2014

Run Time: 100 minutes

 

Dead Snow 2 begins with a Friday the 13th-esque recap of the original movie and then picks up immediately where the last one ended, except now everyone magically speaks English. Martin escapes the clutches of the Nazi Zombie Colonel Herzog but gets into a violent car wreck. The doctors who resuscitate him surgically re-attach the arm found in the wreck with him - the arm of Colonel Herzog. Herzog is using his powers to create an army of zombies to carry out Hitler’s orders, so Martin must use the powers that come with his new arm to stop him by creating an army of Russian zombies. Seriously. 

John Wick - Dog Bites Man. Man Bites Dog. Man Shoots Russians in Face.

Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, an ex-hitman who fell in love with beautiful Bridget Moynahan, who is on screen for all of 3 minutes before dying of a terminal disease. To ensure John doesn't grieve alone, she arranges for a dog to be delivered to him after her death. Alfie Allen, the guy from Game of Thrones who diddles his sister on horseback, breaks into John's house and beats him up and steals his sweet ass muscle car. And just for good measure, he kill his puppy. It’s essentially every country song ever: John loses his wife, his dog, and his truck, but at least he still has his gee-tar and an ice cold Bud Light. It turns out Alfie is the son of a mob boss - John's former employer. Long story short, a whole lot of people get shot in the face. What I’m trying to tell you is there is a direct parallel between this movie and the scene in Dragon Ball Z where those guys kill Majin Buu’s dog.

Oculus - The Best Horror Movie You Forgot About This Year (Spoiler Free)

Oculus stars Karen Gillan (Dr. Who) as a woman who is convinced that an antique mirror is responsible for a bunch of terrible shit happening to her and her family 11 years prior. It's way better than it sounds

Guardians of the Galaxy - Only 2 Weeks Too Late! (Spoiler Free)

In the 10th installment of Marvel's ever-expanding Cinematic Universe, Peter “Star-Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt) is a “legendary” space outlaw with a cool mask, a cassette deck, and a ship named after Alyssa Milano. He finds the Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Chewbacca Groot (Vin Diesel). Like every other Marvel movie, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die.