Titans - A Preemptive Disappointed Shaking of the Head
Kong: Skull Island - Big Dumb Monkey Movies. For Your Health.
Sure, there's a review on here from Chris, but why not read the hot takes from someone who recommended POWER RANGERS?
F8 of the Furious - A Quarter Movie at a Time
Directed by: Same guy who made Straight Outta Compton
Written by: Chris Morgan
Starring: Don’t pretend like you don’t already know
Runtime: 35 minutes
On Wednesday, April 17, 2017, I saw a movie called Your Name. at the Angelika Film Center in Fairfax, VA. It was a lovely Japanese movie, one of the best fifty films I’ve ever seen, and I highly recommend everyone see it as soon as possible. I cannot guarantee that a review will be coming shortly; it’s not something that’s easy to write about.
The Fast and the Furious franchise is not particularly easy to write about either, unfortunately. I’ve spent some time in the Terrible Blog Scientific Research Facility and Laboratory and developed a pretty solid theorem which states that any average human being currently occupying Earth has either a) seen all of the Fast and the Furious movies or b) seen none of the Fast and the Furious movies. The theorem does not allow for anything in between. You’re either a fan or you’re oblivious. You either think it’s an above-average action/thriller series that has deviated from street racing to heist set-ups, or you’re vaguely aware that some beefy bald guy drives a car really fast in them.
I can personally count myself a casual fan of the series; I’ve seen ‘em all, and I have my praises and criticisms. I love the drifting in Part 3, I hate the protagonist in…well, Part 3. I’ve made jokes in the past that the Fast and the Furious is the benchmark for action films and film trilogies, but we all know that’s horseshit. There is no grouping of three Fast and the Furious movies that matches up to the Evil Dead trilogy or the Dollars trilogy. The highs of the Fast and the Furious never comes close to the highs of Mad Max: Fury Road or The Seven Samurai. What it does – and this is not insignificant – is surpass The Expendables trilogy. Being above average in today’s film world, replete with remakes and practically devoid of creativity and originality, is respectable. They made eight of these for a reason, boys and girls. (This is my best excuse for why I went to watch it.)
I went to watch Fate of the Furious at a Regal theater in Arlington, VA, not thinking for a fraction of a second that it could possibly live up to the heavenly experience I had watching Your Name. I was accompanied by two associates, Josh Brody and Alex Sinar. I’m naming names so that they can confirm that what I’m about to describe to you folks actually happened.
We made our way to the theater in some worthless mall I’m never going to revisit, and discovered the theater had reclining seats. Not exactly Alamo Drafthouse, but a hell of a lot better than most of the theaters I grew up with. There was even a little tray to put the bucket of popcorn on so the butter doesn’t leak and drip all over your crotch. Regal thinks of everything (except showing good movies).
The first part of the movie involved Dom Toretto being forced/inserting himself (some blurred lines here) into a street race with some Big Shot Bobby on Cuba; Toretto is forced to race his cousin’s car, the slowest on the island, against this guy’s car, the fastest on the island. Despite his cousin’s protestations, Dom’s pretty confident he can take what appears to be the shittiest car in recorded history to the limit to take down some guy we’ve never seen in seven (7) prior movies. The first thing he does is tear apart half the car, stripping off excess weight that would only be wasted protecting a driver against collisions or some bullshit. He then outfits the crummy engine with pure unfiltered Cuban nitrous oxide, as Letty Ortiz warns him that the engine can’t handle it. Nah, it’s okay, he comforts us; it’s not about the engine, it’s about the driver. No, you don’t understand, continues Letty, the engine will literally burst into flames and explode. Toretto says something asinine like “just you watch” or whatever. Homeboy’s driving a car that’s one step away from a horse and buggy and he just knows he’s going to beat the best car in Cuba. N2O is this series’ deus ex machina.
|Half the fun is just watching Vin Diesel haphazardly rip parts off the car.|
Toretto obviously wins the race (whoa, unmarked spoilers Chris, stay in your lane), but the journey to the finish line is really something special in this stupid movie for idiot babies. He’s obviously losing for most of the way (Suspense 101), so he hits the N2O button. This propels him into competitive speed, but it’s still not quite enough. Also turns out Letty was right for once in her life, and the engine – what little of it actually constitutes a motor – is shaking around like a belly dancer in an earthquake. It literally bursts into flames on the final stretch, and Dom gets a hilariously great idea: he spins the car around and goes into reverse like it’s Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing, uses the explosion of the engine to boost across the finish line for the win, then spirals the car into the ocean. Oh yeah, then he gives his beautiful, perfect car to his cousin, who is never named and is referred to only as Cousin, for no real reason in particular. Something about family, I’m sure. Then he gets forced into a job by Charlize Theron in blonde dreadlocks.
The movie then cuts to The “Dwayne Johnson” Rock as a little league girls soccer coach, leading his team in a Haka dance. This is a very special dance in Samoa, one that is very special in Polynesian culture. Word has it (I did a crummy youtube search) that this dance was blessed by the elders. Then The Rock makes this weird sorta dragon face with his tongue flaring out and everyone lost it. A government agent pulls him back in to acquire some technobabble thingamajig, and ol’ Rocky says “Oh, don’t worry. I’ve already got a team I trust.” You people have no idea just how much I wanted him to bring along that soccer team.
The Rock and Toretto team up with the usual suspects to steal the whatever-it-is technology thing, but Toretto goes rogue and steals the thing for himself. Wham bam thank you ma’am, The Rock gets imprisoned along with none other than Jason Statham, who’s really in rare form in this movie. He’s talking way faster than normal and keeps thinking he can fight The Rock one-on-one. Bear in mind, The Dwayne is the biggest he’s been in a movie since Pain & Gain. An excellent prison escape ensues, where The Rock gets shot with rubber bullets and just grunts “big mistake.” Both Statham and The Rock are saved by Kurt Russell (still riding his never-made-a-bad-movie streak) and…
The film cut to black. The projector died.
Immediately screams, groans, moans, yells, yelps, shouts, roars, bellows, howls, hollers, and shrieks filled the theater. The guy next to us cried out “TORETTOOOOOOOOOOO!” Everyone began pounding their seats’ trays. Alex yelled out “no, you guys don’t understand, that’s where the movie ends!” and the same guy responded “NOOOOOO IT WAS LIKE TWENTY MINUTES!” I swear on my life he yelled like a Jets fan when they drafted Roger Vick. In between demands for a refund and spilling Sprite on his friend’s jeans, he also instructed us to add him on snapchat. Never miss an opportunity to promote your brand (incidentally, you can read more about the Fast and the Furious here).
Some background: Josh and I used to work at a Regal movie theater in Rockville, MD, and whenever something like this happens, it’s a genuine nightmare. Refunds are given and the entire theater is shut down. Very bad for business to say the least. Usually the staff is very conciliatory and apologetic. Everyone was shouting so loud, however, that the projectionist was shouting above the clamor about how he was trying to rewind it, and people were laughing back at him. It was a near riot. They were able to get it to rewind, but the projector died at the exact same spot it died at before. The yelling got even louder and we all filed out for our refund tickets. They didn’t even have the decency to show us Boss Baby.
I’m sure the movie lasted longer than the 35 minutes I got to see of it, but I wouldn’t know. As far as I’m concerned, the movie ended right then and there. It’s not like I could go out and watch the rest of it; nothing is ever going to live up to that theater experience. Besides, it's not like immediately after that point in the movie the plot is going to become a convoluted, nonsensical mess while Charlize Theron gives a horrendously boring performance and they try to make Clint Eastwood's shitty kid a part of the crew.
I’m so happy Alex paid for those tickets. I guess this is just going to have to constitute as my review, consider this Gonzo journalism.
|Except without this guy hanging around|
Mortal Kombat - That Sonya Blade Is One Piece of Ace
Actually written by Chris the Intern, I'm an idiot who posted it on the wrong account.
|Fan poster: Source|
Chris' opinions do not reflect or represent the views of terrible blog dot net.
God dammit Chris.
God dammit Chris.
Enter the Dragon
Directed by: Robert Clouse
Starring: Bruce Lee, John Saxon, Jim Kelly (the martial artist, not the former Buffalo Bills quarterback)
Release date: July 26, 1973
Runtime: 102 minutes
Jackie Chan gets his ass kicked: three times!
Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)
Directed by: Josh Trank
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes
I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.
Ant-Man - [Insert Penis Joke Here]
Directed By: Peyton Reed
Starring: Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Corey Stoll
Release Date: July 17, 2015
Run Time: 117 minutes
Maybe we can finally cut this "is this going to be the first terrible Marvel movie?" shit out.
[50 Shades of Shea] Terminator Genisys - Genesis Spelled with a WHY
Jurassic World - Hold on to Your Butts....Again
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow
Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins
Release Date: June 12, 2015
Run Time: 124 minutes
God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Man creates another park anyways, because fuck it. Man creates a genetic hybrid dinosaur that breaks free from its cage. A bunch of extras get eaten.
Mad Max: Fury Road - MAXimum Overdrive
Directed by: George Miller
Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne
Release Date: May 15, 2015
Run Time: 120 minutes
A masked man in a red jumpsuit rides on a truck lined with row after row of massive speakers. As the fleet of trucks pursue their target, he shreds on a double neck guitar that also happens to shoot fire as a squad of drummers furiously pound away on taiko drums. He bounces around effortlessly on bungee cables while his riffs lead the charge into battle. Oh and also a guy named Max gets mad, meets a woman named Furiosa and the best chase scenes I’ve ever seen in my life happen.
Disney's Marvel's Joss Whedon's Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 2 Presents - Avengers: Age of Ultron
Avengers: Age of Ultron
Directed by: Joss Whedon
Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, James Spader, 30 other people
Release Date: May 1, 2015
Run Time: 141 minutes
Tony Stark and Bruce Banner attempt to create the ultimate peacekeeping artificial intelligence and neglect to tell the rest of the Avengers about it. Everything goes horribly wrong, there's an army of evil robots, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes have to quit bickering and work together to save the world. It's the first movie, but with James Spader and those 2 people who weren't Godzilla but were in 90% of the movie.
Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?
Directed by: James Wan
Directed by: James Wan
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes
Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.
The Guest - What's A Handsome Guy Like You Doing In A Place Like This?
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett
Starring: Dan Stevens, Maika Monroe
Release Date: September 17, 2014
Run Time: 100 minutes
Release Date: September 17, 2014
Run Time: 100 minutes
David (Dan Stevens) is a gorgeous, beautiful hunk of dudemeat sculpted out of the finest marble by the Gods above. He’s also a soldier returning from active duty and paying a visit to the Peterson family. The Petersons are still grieving over the recent death of their son Caleb, who served alongside David. David is polite. He doesn’t eat or drink much. He rarely sleeps. His sole mission is to help the Petersons with anything they need. Whether it’s helping their son Luke with school bullies or lending his ear to dad as he rants about getting passed up for a promotion, David just wants to make their lives easier. Their daughter Ana begins to suspect David might not really be who he says he is. And then some people wind up dead.
John Wick - Dog Bites Man. Man Bites Dog. Man Shoots Russians in Face.
Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, an ex-hitman who fell in love with beautiful Bridget Moynahan, who is on screen for all of 3 minutes before dying of a terminal disease. To ensure John doesn't grieve alone, she arranges for a dog to be delivered to him after her death. Alfie Allen, the guy from Game of Thrones who diddles his sister on horseback, breaks into John's house and beats him up and steals his sweet ass muscle car. And just for good measure, he kill his puppy. It’s essentially every country song ever: John loses his wife, his dog, and his truck, but at least he still has his gee-tar and an ice cold Bud Light. It turns out Alfie is the son of a mob boss - John's former employer. Long story short, a whole lot of people get shot in the face. What I’m trying to tell you is there is a direct parallel between this movie and the scene in Dragon Ball Z where those guys kill Majin Buu’s dog.
Guardians of the Galaxy - Only 2 Weeks Too Late! (Spoiler Free)
In the 10th installment of Marvel's ever-expanding Cinematic Universe, Peter “Star-Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt) is a “legendary” space outlaw with a cool mask, a cassette deck, and a ship named after Alyssa Milano. He finds the
Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Chewbacca Groot (Vin Diesel). Like every other Marvel movie, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die.
Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Hail Caesar (Spoiler Free)
Here’s the quickest, most spoiler free review I can offer: for a minute in this movie, there’s an ape driving a tank. 5 stars.
Army of Darkness - Hail to the King, Baby
Release date: February 19, 1933
Running time: 80 minutes
I tried to go in without thinking about the cult status or all of the hype I've heard about this movie over the years. It's one of those movies where even if you've never seen a single frame of it, it's so ingrained in pop culture that you know everything about it. You know Ash, you know the chainsaw, you know the boomstick, you know "groovy." You know most of the beats without ever even knowing who Bruce Campbell is. I tried to put all that aside and go in fresh. It's impossible to go in completely blind, but I'm only going in with a bit of knowledge about it. Most importantly the fact that it's not called Evil Dead 3 for a reason. I'm hoping it still retains a bit of the horror that made me love Evil Dead 2 so much without going completely over the top, but I get a strong feeling I'm not going to get any of it.
The Raid 2 - Holy Shit, You Guys. You Guys, Holy Shit. (Spoiler Free)
I still remember the first time I saw The Raid:Redemption. I lived with my parents at the time and it was about 3 in the morning when I turned it on, meaning I spent the next 100 minutes making a series of high pitched noises and squeals in an attempt to not scream JESUS FUCKING CHRIST every couple of minutes. So when The Raid 2 was announced I felt like a kid on Christmas. Between The Raid and the Safe Haven segment from V/H/S 2 I had already decided I was going to see anything Gareth Evans put out until he gave me a reason not to. It was in theaters for about 20 minutes before getting pulled, and I waited weeks after I saw HD rips posted on torrent sites just to experience it in full Blu Ray glory in my modest home theater. I’m so happy I waited.
Robocop (2014) - Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Gordon Create Batman
A reboot of a classic movie gets farted into theaters the week of Valentine’s Day - and it’s not terrible. That’s almost as impressive as actually building a real, living Robocop.
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)