Titans - A Preemptive Disappointed Shaking of the Head
Wonder Woman or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Matriarchy
X-Men 10: Wolverine 3: Logan
I have been dreaming of this Wolverine since I was a fat little kid watching the 90's cartoon and putting knifes between my fingers like an asshole. As a fat little adult, I can say it was worth the wait.
Ranking the Comic Book Movies of 2016
2016 has come and gone and somehow by the grace of God we're still alive, even if we're only living in the most literal sense of the word. There were eight comic book movies plopped into theaters last year, squeezing every red cent out of my already empty pockets. Time and time again I left the theater and opened my wallet like a Looney Toon and let the moths fly out. I'm a fat guy on the Internet, so why wouldn't I rate them? That's what I'm here for: to pick apart things that other people love to give myself a sense of purpose. I'm only doing the theatrical releases, so I'm not including the DC animated movies. Why? Because I don't want to.
Funny story, I wrote the intro last and it was only then that I remembered The Killing Joke was in theaters for one night via Fathom Events. Am I going to go back and add it? Nope. There's a review already and spoilers: it fucking sucks.
So sit back and enjoy this page sponsored by Marvel Studios, the company that pays me to talk about their amazing and ground breaking content.
Ranking the Marvel Cinematic Universe
The Marvel Cinematic Universe has dug its roots deep into my life and what has blossomed is a reality consumed by bright lights, CGI, and Chris Hemsworth's biceps. I don't live anymore, I merely exist between releases. So here it is, the absolute objective indisputable etched-in-stone ranking of the MCU.
Batman: The Killing Joke - One Bad Day
This is it, folks. The whole enchilada. An adaptation of one of the most famous Batman stories in history. The definitive telling of Batman and Joker's rivalry. One bad day. Oh yeah, and also Batgirl has a hole in her spine that only Bruce Wayne can fill.
Suicide Squad - It's Guardians of the Galaxy, But Not the Good Kind Like You Want
Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)
Directed by: Josh Trank
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes
I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.
Ant-Man - [Insert Penis Joke Here]
Directed By: Peyton Reed
Starring: Paul Rudd, Michael Douglas, Evangeline Lilly, Corey Stoll
Release Date: July 17, 2015
Run Time: 117 minutes
Maybe we can finally cut this "is this going to be the first terrible Marvel movie?" shit out.
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