Titans - A Preemptive Disappointed Shaking of the Head


DC Universe and DC Comics made headlines on Thursday, but not the good kind like you want.
An intentionally leaked image of their new show, Titans, was deliberately released on purpose to Entertainment Weekly, under the premise that people would want to see this sort of thing. You know the deal, one of those production stills where the public sees it and thinks "oh, this looks pretty cool, I'll check it out." This might seem like I'm explaining something that's typically common - and it is common - but what I'm really trying to do here is to explain the intention of the company and dispel the notion that this is the work of hucksters, scam artists, or sleazy internet jokemen. This was shown to the public intentionally because someone thought it was good. Bet yourself a dollar you won't laugh.


Congratulations, you owe yourself a dollar.

DC's Titans is based on the comic book series called Teen Titans, which you already know about if you're reading this website. I've largely operated under the assumption that people know about this franchise from the two cartoons that were released; Teen Titans and Teen Titans Go!, the latter of which I remember people getting really mad about for some asinine reason. Set to air on DC's new streaming service (which will hopefully have Batman: The Animated Series on it, otherwise there's no point), this new iteration of Titans will be a darker, grittier series for grown-ups and the really hardcore fourth-graders whose parents let them watch R-rated movies. 

Titans has already attracted controversy for a trailer shown at a convention where Robin says, and I quote, "Fuck Batman." Great, DC. Thanks. This is exactly what we were hoping for. You really nailed it. The more information I get about this show, the less likely I feel like I am to enjoy it in any capacity. Get a load of this:

The show is a bit of a slow burn, which means the Titans aren’t “the Titans” by the end of the premiere. When the drama — which draws on Marv Wolfman and George PĂ©rez’s seminal New Teen Titans comic series — begins, Dick is work­ing as a detective in Detroit because he’s trying to distance himself from the life of violence he led while he was Batman’s sidekick. But then he meets Rachel, a troubled young girl and empath who just happens to be the daughter of a demon, and who asks Dick to help her understand her powers.  
“She’s connected to him because they share the same feeling of abandonment,” 14-year-old Croft says of her character. “It’s more of a father-daughter relationship.”

Where do I even begin? With the series dragging its feet developing characters everyone already knows? With Robin leaving Batman's side due to the violence, despite the pretty serious violence he commits in the trailer? With a father-daughter relationship between two characters who appear five years apart in age?

There's more here, like a giant threat to the planet earth, and a ragtag group of outcasts joining together as a family, and they meet up with the Doom Patrol - yeah, the Doom Patrol - and the other Robin. Yeah, there's two Robins. I don't get it. I don't know how they exist in the same universe and I'm not going to read any e-mails explaining how, so don't bother. Brendan Fraser might make an appearance. There's someone called Robotman. Also the whole thing takes place in Detroit.

Let's take a closer look at that picture, shall we?

Beast Boy
Right off the bat we get some Jimmy Fallon headass varmint with the funniest green hair since Stephen from Sideways Stories from Wayside School. We've got no real way to know he's a superhero or anything based on looking at him; no fangs, no suit, nothing. He just picked out some clothes at Kohl's and went swimming in a pool with too much chlorine.

Raven
Oh no. Oh no no no no no. You can't just do this, DC. The choker with the necklace, the Final Fantasy boots, the Party City wig, the face that's clearly focusing on her agent just out of frame, telling her "come on, we're almost done, then you can move on to be in Kick-Ass 3!" I shouldn't even have to mention the costume, which looks like it was thrown away by a homeless person.

Robin
Alright, this is a little bit better, I suppose. I guess in the series timeline he's supposed to be between Robin and Nightwing gigs, so it makes a little bit of sense that he held onto his outfit, which is the least embarrassing by far. He needs a batcomb and a stern talking-to, but I'm sure he could be the father figure to this girl who looks five years younger than he does. Does anyone have any idea why this is shot in the alley from The Room? Is Greg Sestero gonna accidentally shove him into those trash cans?

Starfire
Look, you're thinking it too. I know you are. There's no way you can look at this image and not think they cast Starfire as a lady of the night with the nom de plume...uh, Starfire. The platform heels, the thigh-high nylons, the...whatever that purple thing is called, and the fur coat that she very clearly got from a pimp of some sort, it's abundantly clear this character at least begins the series as an ecdysiast. There isn't a shred of doubt in my mind. 

Editor's note: Cyborg is not pictured here, although judging on the outfits, do you really think DC could afford him? There's already a character called Robotman in the Doom Patrol. Just imagine it's Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. Or Cookie from Ned's Declassified School Survival Guide.

Are you excited yet? Did you watch the trailer? Did that do anything for you? Of course not, let's not get ridiculous here; this show has already been almost universally derided online, and when Parker texted me this image, I knew I was in for a rough time. His sadistic nature practically guarantees the fact that he's going to assign the first episodes to me as a result of The Game of Games. Well, at least the first few until it gets canceled. There's no way this thing is going to have any legs. Forget the Doom Patrol, these Titans couldn't even beat the Patriots.

Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm trying to remove it.

1 comment:

  1. I see they stuck with the Starfire costume they intially claimed was just because she was "attending a 70s-themed costume party", once again not understanding that the publicity photos for your superhero series should show the superheroes in their NORMAL costumes, not something that they'll (allegedly) only wear in the pilot & then never again.

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