The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else
Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else
Now with 100% more rape and projectile shitting
|His name is Lomax but he's shaped like a Lorax
Martin is a troubled man. He’s not all there mentally and has suffered a lifetime of abuse - physical, emotional, sexual, take your pick it's all there. He lives with his abusive mother in a rundown housing project and works as a security guard at a parking complex. He escapes from his miserable existence by devoting what mental faculties he has towards The Human Centipede. That’s right, the first movie exists as a movie in this film, isn’t that fuckin meta? He spends every moment of free time obsessing over it, fetishizing the centipede itself. And by fetishizing, I mean jackin it. Get it, audience? He's just like you, you disgusting pieces of subhuman trash. Thanks for the money.
One day Martin finally snaps and decides he’s going to attempt to create a centipede of his own, and it won’t just be a 3 person centipede. No, this will be Martin’s crowning achievement: the 12 person centipede. Martin is not a world renowned surgeon like Dr. Heiter was, he’s an obese, mentally challenged and socially awkward miscreant armed with a hammer, crowbar, scissors, duct tape, and absolutely no medical knowledge. His entire frame of reference for the procedure is a movie that is most famous for causing Daniel Tosh to say “RAPE DRUG” on national TV, so needless to say things go pretty well for everyone involved.
A lot of thoughts went through my head before watching this cinematic tour de force, but the most prevailing thought was
Jesus Christ has my life really come to this? no Dieter Laser. Keep in mind I recommended the first movie solely because of him, so imagine my surprise when I popped open Netflix and this whitey tightey nightmare stared into my soul with his vacant, dead eyes.
|What's that? You want to see him jerk off? Have I got the movie for you.
Martin doesn’t say a single word in the entire movie. He communicates solely through squeals, giggles, and cat-like hisses. And since you’re wondering, and I know you are, he totally shit his pants. Those underoos he’s rocking in those pics? Filled to the brim with Hershey Squirt. And he wears them the entire movie. You’re welcome.
What I’m trying to say is, Martin is the best part of the movie. I don’t have a ton of things to say about director Tom Six, but his eye for talent is pretty on point. Well, for the villain anyways. Nobody else can act worth the shit in Martin's tightey whiteys, but again it’s a movie where you walk into a casting room and read for the part of “man who gets face stapled to man’s ass, eats shit. Headshot required.” When life gives you doo doo lemons, you make lemonade.
|The deuce...is loose
So what is the meat and potato of The Human Centipede II? The movie plays like Tom Six spent a month reading reviews for the first movie online, furiously sorting through comment after comment saying that once you get past the premise, the movie is pretty tame. His pulse quickened with each post of “there’s barely any blood,” veins in his forehead throbbed at every "it wasn't even scary," and he ground his teeth down to the gums as he read "you don't even see the poop." "No poop?" he cried. "NO POOP?" His eyes went bloodshot. "I'LL SHIT RIGHT IN THEIR GOD DAMNED EYE SOCKETS."
Mr. Six is many things, but he is not a fool to be mocked by fat people on the Internet. It’s tame, is it? Well fuck all of you. There’s no prestigious doctor, there’s a fat handicapped sociopath who got raped by his dad. He wears nothing but underwear and a lab coat. He crowbars people unconscious because he doesn’t have chloroform, uses a staplegun to attach them to each other, uses duct tape instead of bandages, and uses a hammer instead of pliers. Is that fucking EXTREME enough for you? Blog about that, you jiggly shits.
This is Human Centipede II in its purest form
That’s really it. It aims to gross you out. That’s it. It may pretend to be more than that by being shot in black and white because it’s ~artistic~ but it’s here to get a visceral reaction out of you. If you’re into that, great. Good for you, you'll probably get something out of watching it. In reality it’s exactly what I thought I wanted the first movie to be. It’s crude, it’s grimy, it’s disgusting. There’s no soundtrack other than the sounds of sniveling, wheezing, crying, and screaming. There’s nothing sterile about anything in the movie. It’s a man with household tools in a dingy, run down warehouse stapling people together because a crazy German man had a slideshow about it in a movie he watches on loop at work and at home. I thought this was what I wanted...right up until the moment I got it. Turns out I don’t want or need to ever see this kind of movie again. Like it or not, I got exactly what I asked for.
The biggest issue is there’s nothing to it. It’s gross for the sake of being gross. The scene with the mother crushing the baby? That woman doesn’t have a name. She spends the entire movie huddled in a corner because Martin thought he accidentally killed her. That woman could not exist in this movie and absolutely nothing would be different aside from losing a cheap shock. The girls in the first movie were far from great actresses and their characters were annoying to the point where I was actively cheering for them to have their mouths sewn shut. But as the movie progressed and you saw them in that position you felt sympathy for them. Sure they’re idiots, but nobody deserves to go through that. Here it’s scene after scene of interchangeable person hit over head, dragged into room. Hit over head, dragged into room. Shot in leg, hit over head, dragged into room, for almost an hour. Let me tell you folks, that is a looooong hour. Just look at the credits.
They’re not people. They’re interchangeable pieces of meat to whimper and scream and shit in each other’s mouths. There’s nobody to care about. I don’t care if they get away, I don’t care if they spend the rest of their lives as Martin’s pet. I just don’t care. Yeah it’s gross and there’s a place for movies like that. If you want to get friends together and get drunk and watch a dozen people serve as one another's butthole birdbaths, go right ahead. That’s really the only way I can recommend it.
All I know is I sat through this entire movie on Netflix only to learn it was not the unrated version. I grabbed my keys and headed to the Movie Trading Co near my house, spent real human American Obama funbucks on a copy of this movie, went home, and popped it in my player just to spend a beautiful sunny Saturday afternoon watching Martin wrap his dick in barbed wire and rape the centipede. I am a worse person for that experience so on those grounds I can’t recommend it.