Showing posts with label Quickie. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Quickie. Show all posts

The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) - The Legend of Curly’s Gold



The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence)
Directed by: Tom Six
Starring: Laurence R. Harvey, Nobody Else 
Release Date: October 7, 2011
Run Time: 91 minutes

Now with 100% more rape and projectile shitting 

Jurassic World - Hold on to Your Butts....Again




Jurassic World
Directed by: Colin Trevorrow

Starring: Chris Pratt, Bryce Dallas Howard, Vincent D'Onofrio, Ty Simpkins
Release Date: June 12, 2015
Run Time: 124 minutes

God creates dinosaurs. God destroys dinosaurs. God creates man. Man destroys God. Man creates dinosaurs. Dinosaurs eat man. Man creates another park anyways, because fuck it. Man creates a genetic hybrid dinosaur that breaks free from its cage. A bunch of extras get eaten.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence) - 2 Hot Teens Go Ass To Mouth And You Won't Believe What Happens Next





It's not just a movie about going ass to mouth. It's a 100% medically accurate movie about going ass to mouth. 

Zombeavers - The Angriest Beavers



In World War II, Rick Blaine, exiled American and former freedom fighter, runs the most popular nightspot in town. The cynical lone wolf Blaine comes into the possession of two valuable letters of transit. When Nazi Major Strasser arrives in Casablanc-ah shit, wrong movie.


Mad Max: Fury Road - MAXimum Overdrive



Mad Max: Fury Road
Directed by: George Miller

Starring: Tom Hardy, Charlize Theron, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne
Release Date: May 15, 2015
Run Time: 120 minutes

A masked man in a red jumpsuit rides on a truck lined with row after row of massive speakers. As the fleet of trucks pursue their target, he shreds on a double neck guitar that also happens to shoot fire as a squad of drummers furiously pound away on taiko drums. He bounces around effortlessly on bungee cables while his riffs lead the charge into battle. Oh and also a guy named Max gets mad, meets a woman named Furiosa and the best chase scenes I’ve ever seen in my life happen. 

Disney's Marvel's Joss Whedon's Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase 2 Presents - Avengers: Age of Ultron



Avengers: Age of Ultron 
Directed by: Joss Whedon

Starring: Robert Downey Jr., Chris Hemsworth, Mark Ruffalo, Chris Evans, Scarlett Johansson, Jeremy Renner, Aaron Taylor-Johnson, Elizabeth Olsen, Paul Bettany, James Spader, 30 other people 
Release Date: May 1, 2015
Run Time: 141 minutes

Tony Stark and Bruce Banner attempt to create the ultimate peacekeeping artificial intelligence and neglect to tell the rest of the Avengers about it. Everything goes horribly wrong, there's an army of evil robots, and Earth's Mightiest Heroes have to quit bickering and work together to save the world. It's the first movie, but with James Spader and those 2 people who weren't Godzilla but were in 90% of the movie. 

Furious 7 - You Thought This Was Gonna Be A Street Fight?



Furious 7
Directed by: James Wan
Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Dwayne Johnson, Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris "Ludacris" Bridges, Kurt Russell, Jason Statham
Release Date: April 3, 2015
Run Time: 137 minutes

Dominic Toretto (Vin Diesel) and his crew thought they had finally left the criminal life behind them, but Fast Six made almost 800 million dollars so come hell, high water, or a star's death halfway through filming, Universal is going to get every red cent they can out of this franchise. This time they’re after Deckard Shaw (Jason Statham), the brother of the forgettable villain from the last movie. There’s also some nonsense about a computer program called God's Eye that can tap into any electronic device and a hacker with a super cool code name. There's also some Somalian warlord who shows up for no reason, Michelle Rodriguez fights another female MMA fighter, Kurt Russell comes in and starts talking about Belgian Ale, and they get chased around Los Angeles by a predator drone. I don't know man, shit. I'd like to see you try to make sense of any of this.

The Guest - What's A Handsome Guy Like You Doing In A Place Like This?


The Guest
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett 


Starring: Dan Stevens, Maika Monroe
Release Date: September 17, 2014 
Run Time: 100 minutes

David (Dan Stevens) is a gorgeous, beautiful hunk of dudemeat sculpted out of the finest marble by the Gods above. He’s also a soldier returning from active duty and paying a visit to the Peterson family. The Petersons are still grieving over the recent death of their son Caleb, who served alongside David. David is polite. He doesn’t eat or drink much. He rarely sleeps. His sole mission is to help the Petersons with anything they need. Whether it’s helping their son Luke with school bullies or lending his ear to dad as he rants about getting passed up for a promotion, David just wants to make their lives easier. Their daughter Ana begins to suspect David might not really be who he says he is. And then some people wind up dead. 

You're Next - Surprise Crossbows & Home Alone Traps



You're Next
Directed by: Adam Wingard
Written by: Simon Barrett
Starring: Sharni Vinson, A.J. Bowen, Joe Swanberg 
Release Date: August 23, 2013 
Run Time: 94 minutes

The Davison family are having a reunion in their secluded vacation home in the woods to celebrate mom and dad’s 35th wedding anniversary. Mommy and Daddy Davison, their four children and their spouses all gather at the house and tensions immediately boil over. The fighting is cut short when a tumultuous dinner is interrupted by an assault from relentless animal-masked murderers. Overpowered and out of their element at first, the family is surprised to learn that Erin, girlfriend of the fat sheep of the family, Crispian (whose name I refuse to acknowledge as a real name), was trained by her father as a survivalist expert for 15 years and has a series of Kevin McCallister traps for this very occasion.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead - “It’s Satan’s Arm. It’s A Long Story."



Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead (Død Snø 2)  
Directed by: Tommy Wirkola
Starring: A bunch of Norwegians and Martin Starr
Release Date: February 12, 2014
Run Time: 100 minutes
 
Dead Snow 2 begins with a Friday the 13th-esque recap of the original movie and then picks up immediately where the last one ended, except now everyone magically speaks English. Martin escapes the clutches of the Nazi Zombie Colonel Herzog but gets into a violent car wreck. The doctors who resuscitate him surgically re-attach the arm found in the wreck with him - the arm of Colonel Herzog. Herzog is using his powers to create an army of zombies to carry out Hitler’s orders, so Martin must use the powers that come with his new arm to stop him by creating an army of Russian zombies. Seriously. 

John Wick - Dog Bites Man. Man Bites Dog. Man Shoots Russians in Face.


Keanu Reeves plays John Wick, an ex-hitman who fell in love with beautiful Bridget Moynahan, who is on screen for all of 3 minutes before dying of a terminal disease. To ensure John doesn't grieve alone, she arranges for a dog to be delivered to him after her death. Alfie Allen, the guy from Game of Thrones who diddles his sister on horseback, breaks into John's house and beats him up and steals his sweet ass muscle car. And just for good measure, he kill his puppy. It’s essentially every country song ever: John loses his wife, his dog, and his truck, but at least he still has his gee-tar and an ice cold Bud Light. It turns out Alfie is the son of a mob boss - John's former employer. Long story short, a whole lot of people get shot in the face. What I’m trying to tell you is there is a direct parallel between this movie and the scene in Dragon Ball Z where those guys kill Majin Buu’s dog.


Oculus - The Best Horror Movie You Forgot About This Year (Spoiler Free)

oculus movie poster

Oculus stars Karen Gillan (Dr. Who) as a woman who is convinced that an antique mirror is responsible for a bunch of terrible shit happening to her and her family 11 years prior. It's way better than it sounds

Guardians of the Galaxy - Only 2 Weeks Too Late! (Spoiler Free)



In the 10th installment of Marvel's ever-expanding Cinematic Universe, Peter “Star-Lord” Quill (Chris Pratt) is a “legendary” space outlaw with a cool mask, a cassette deck, and a ship named after Alyssa Milano. He finds the Aether Tesseract Cosmic Cube Orb, and a big scary space man named Ronan the Accuser wants it for ~evil~ because it’ll wipe out the galaxy or whatever. Star-Lord teams up with a rag tag group of people who also hate Ronan and by association, Thanos: Gamora (Zoe Saldana), a giant turtle that is the friend to all children, Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), a prisoner whose wife and daughter were murdered by Ronan, and bounty hunters Rocket (Bradley Cooper) and Chewbacca Groot (Vin Diesel). Like every other Marvel movie, the good guys must get to the magical space thing before the bad guy or everyone is going to die. 

Dawn of the Planet of the Apes - Hail Caesar (Spoiler Free)



Here’s the quickest, most spoiler free review I can offer: for a minute in this movie, there’s an ape driving a tank. 5 stars.

The Raid 2 - Holy Shit, You Guys. You Guys, Holy Shit. (Spoiler Free)



I still remember the first time I saw The Raid:Redemption. I lived with my parents at the time and it was about 3 in the morning when I turned it on, meaning I spent the next 100 minutes making a series of high pitched noises and squeals in an attempt to not scream JESUS FUCKING CHRIST every couple of minutes. So when The Raid 2 was announced I felt like a kid on Christmas. Between The Raid and the Safe Haven segment from V/H/S 2 I had already decided I was going to see anything Gareth Evans put out until he gave me a reason not to. It was in theaters for about 20 minutes before getting pulled, and I waited weeks after I saw HD rips posted on torrent sites just to experience it in full Blu Ray glory in my modest home theater. I’m so happy I waited.

Robocop (2014) - Bruce Wayne and Commissioner Gordon Create Batman


A reboot of a classic movie gets farted into theaters the week of Valentines Day - and its not terrible. Thats almost as impressive as actually building a real, living Robocop. 

Transformers: Age of Extinction (2014) - I Didn't Ask For My Money Back


You have a Transformers movie. You have Mark Wahlberg, who sang “The Touch” in Boogie Nights. You combine these two things - and you don’t play the song. Not even during the credits. You throw in a My Little Pony joke, but I can’t have the poooowweeeeeeeer? Fuck this.

Non-Stop (2014) - Taken 2.5



Liam Neeson is Bryan Mills Bill Marks, an ex CIA Agent air marshal on an international flight that gets hijacked. It’s not a madman waving a gun, it’s an anonymous passenger texting Marks, telling him that unless $150 million is placed in an account, someone on the plane will die every 20 minutes. Will he find the terrorist and save his daughter from an Albanian sex trade? 


I, Frankenstein - You Either Die a Hero, Or You Live Long Enough to See Yourself Become Frankenstein



Gargoyles, who are actually angels, who transform into humans dressed like they’re from Prince of Persia team up with Frankenstein’s Monster who has super strength, speed, and has been alive for 300 years to stop a Demon Prince from creating an army of the undead using the dead Dr. Frankenstein’s journal. I feel like that sentence and that gif could be the entire review. 

Spring '14 Super Heroes (and Giant Monsters) - Amazing Spider-Man 2, Godzilla, and X-Men: Days of Future Past

I figured not every single review needed to be 6,000 words filled with gifs and images breaking down every intricacy of the plot. So I'm gonna start doing this on top of the full-length ones. Because I'm determined to give myself more work until I become overwhelmed and have a complete emotional breakdown. 

I saw all of these opening weekend, 1 of them opening night, yet didn’t post anything until right now. Did I wait all this time so I could form a well researched and thought out opinion? No, it’s just fighting off panic attacks from trying to write out 5,000 words about Nic Cage invading Alcatraz was enough on my plate. Am I just now going back to these movies because I'm out of ideas, or because I want a cheap excuse to get an increase in views? Yes.