Every 43 seconds, a new Bigfoot movie is added to Tubi. Watching all of them is not for the faint of heart. Only an experienced moron such as myself can undertake the exhaustive effort of sifting through them. I am but a humble prospector, trying to strike gold. I am very pleased to announce a fat payload, because Abominable is one of The Good Ones.
Abominable
Year: 2006
Directed by: Ryan Schifrin
Written by: Ryan Schifrin
Starring: Matt McCoy, Haley Joel (not that one), Jeffrey Combs, Paul Gleason
Runtime: 94 minutes
Abominable is the product of the kind of nepotism I support. Writer/Director Ryan Schifrin is the son of longtime composer Lalo Schifrin. If you don't recognize the name, he has over 200 credits. All you need to know is he is the man who created the Mission: Impossible theme. Imagine being the son of the creator of one of the most iconic pieces of music in film history. You are born with clout and resources that start you on first base, and you use said resources to make Rear Window, but with a Sasquatch instead of a serial killer. If I'm an executive, I'm signing a blank check for whatever he pitches.
Paraplegic Preston Rogers (Matt McCoy) and his home care nurse Otis are traveling to a cabin the woods. Six months prior, Preston and his wife were rock climbing nearby. A non-cryptid related tragedy happened and the cable snapped. His wife, who I don't think we even see in a flashback, died in the fall. Preston survived but is now wheelchair bound. Preston's doctor has prescribed a dose of "returning to the scene of the accident," hoping that will bring him some form of inner peace. Let me say it again: six months. She has been dead for one NFL season, and Doc said "fuck it, try going back and see what that does to ya." Fantastic work all around. Personally, I would wait until I didn't need a live-in nurse to help feed and bathe me. But to be fair, you're not going to find me doing anything outdoors that involves a harness.
A quiet weekend of silent reflection and grieving is interrupted by a group of fine young women. They all have hopes, dreams, and names and aren't here to get brutally murdered by a monster. It doesn't take long for our big furry friend to strike. Preston is powerless and can only watch through binoculars as they are picked off one by one.
Alright that's enough yammering on about contrived things like "characters" and "exploration of trauma." Don't care, if I wanted themes I'd read a book. I'm here for my best friend in the entire world, Mister Squatch. Except...it's not a Sasquatch. It looks like a Squatch, smells like a Squatch, and kills like a Squatch, but Abominable insists that it is something else. Preston watches a 40 second long Quicktime video in which a man in a bow tie suggests that the creature is bigger than a Bigfoot, and most likely a Yeti. Ladies and gentlemen, that doesn't make any god damn sense while you're watching the movie. I don't think it's possible to be geographically or topologically further from the Himalayas if they tried. It looks like there hasn't been an inch of snowfall in 40 years. But no time to dwell on that, because Yeti or not, here he comes.
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| omg my Squatch wife's boyfriend is gonna let me play his Switch |
I don't care what you call him, I love the design. His comically oversized razor sharp teeth look a little silly, and I mean that strictly as a compliment. The creature design being ever-so-slightly goofy makes it stand out amongst the hundreds of shitty Bigfoot movies that all look like they recycle the same suit. And rest assured, those big chompers of his come in handy when he unhinges his jaw like a snake and bites a man's face off.
You and I are here solely for a big hairy ape man killing people. Good news, the kills are fantastic. I wasn't being hyperbolic when I said the yeti bites a man's face off. There's another scene in the bathroom that caught me so off guard that I became nonverbal for a minute. I was grunting and pointing at my screen like I saw fire for the first time. There is a kind of person who might say that introducing characters in the middle of the movie, only to have them be killed off in the same scene is lazy filmmaking. A better, smarter, more handsomer person like myself would say that having Lance Henriksen and Jeffrey Combs be introduced, roast marshmallows for all of 2 minutes, and then be brutally murdered by a cryptid is a fantastic decision. I'm here for a body count, not a treatise on rock climbing safety.
Ghouls and Boys, Abominable is one of The Good Ones and hits all the beats you're looking for. It has a good looking Yeti suit with a couple of unique identifiers that make it stand out. It has some gnarly kills with great practical effects. It has a guy in a wheelchair. What else could you want? I'll admit it's a little slow to get going, but in fairness, all of these movies are. So many Squatch movies have glacial pacing that double-dog dare you to not check your phone between kills. Those movies never thought to have Lance Henriksen tell a long winded joke about a rhinoceros having diarrhea and immediately afterward getting folded like laundry by a 10 foot tall monster. Take note future filmmakers, the blueprint is out there. But it's up to you to do the work.
Sometimes a premise seems too good to be true. I've been burned time and time again by a 2 sentence description on Tubi, hoodwinked by promises of things like "thrills" and "chills" only to be left empty handed and Mad Online. But I have to watch. It's my self appointed duty to find the gems and report back to you. Abominable tells you it's Rear Window but with a Yeti murdering people. You hit play and it is, in fact, Rear Window with a Yeti murdering people. Strong recommendation for anyone with the exact kind of brain damage that I have.