Showing posts with label Garbage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Garbage. Show all posts

50 Shades of Grey - Whips, Nips, and the Drizzling Shits


I wasn’t planning on writing a review for this shit. Fifty Shades of Grey is two (!) hours and nine (!) minutes long. Dozens of scathing deconstructions already exist, both for the books and the movie. Some of those reviews were written by people with far better knowledge on BDSM and romantic relationships than I. I was just going to get reeeeally high, watch the movie, laugh a lot, and go to bed. It was supposed to be easy. Fun. A lighthearted romp with a movie that grossed 167 million God-Bless-America dollars and received a steady 25% on RottenTomatoes. The leading pair were known to have no chemistry, and supposedly the book author had a total stranglehold on production. It was incidentally nominated for an actual, honest-to-god Academy Award. This should have been great! I love pig slop that’s easy to point and laugh at- that’s why I’m here. Plus, I’d already read the books. And by ‘read the books,’ I mean ‘floated in a pool listening to the audiobook.’ Really, who has time to read actual books nowadays? Not this mess of a human being, that’s for sure.

So here I am, taking deep breaths and readying my brain for the onslaught. These next couple hours surely won’t be intellectually stimulating, but they might at least be pleasantly bad. And hey! I hear people get naked!

A Christmas Story - In Which Chris Loses All Readers We've Gained in 2016






A Christmas Story

Directed by: Bob Clark

Starring: no one of consequence

Writers: Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark

Do I hafta?: Yeah, you hafta.

Suicide Squad - It's Guardians of the Galaxy, But Not the Good Kind Like You Want

We've got it. The worst of the worst.

More like the Dirty Doesn't. My column: 

Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)



Fantastic Four
Directed by: Josh Trank 
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes



I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.