Showing posts with label Garbage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Garbage. Show all posts

Reel Deal, No Sex Appeal Episode LII: Wild Wild West



MTV spent 4 million dollars to leave Stevie Wonder's blind ass onstage after Will Smith rode a horse and rapped at the VMAs, and somehow every part of that is less embarrassing than the movie itself. 

Wiki Wild Wild. 

Listen to it here


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Reel Deal, No Sex Appeal Episode LI: Jurassic World - Fallen Kingdom



Official Star Wars Correspondent Alex is back, because Solo ended up being Actually Good and we couldn't let him have a moment of peace. To the surprise of no one, Jurassic World 2 is absolute balls. To the surprise of no one, it's on the fast track to making a billion dollars. We're part of the problem. Tune in!

Listen to it here


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Reel Deal, No Sex Appeal Episode XLIV: The Haunting


 





Good evening boys and ghouls. Crack open a cold one for a scarily good fright as Chris, Parker, and Alex (the one they respect as Terrible Blog and all subsidiaries are Women Respecters) settle in for a ghoulishly good time with a horror classic.


What? Oh, it's the one from the 90s? Shit. Well, we have Owen Wilson getting decapitated, straight lesbians, and ASMR.

Listen to it here


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50 Shades of Grey - Whips, Nips, and the Drizzling Shits


I wasn’t planning on writing a review for this shit. Fifty Shades of Grey is two (!) hours and nine (!) minutes long. Dozens of scathing deconstructions already exist, both for the books and the movie. Some of those reviews were written by people with far better knowledge on BDSM and romantic relationships than I. I was just going to get reeeeally high, watch the movie, laugh a lot, and go to bed. It was supposed to be easy. Fun. A lighthearted romp with a movie that grossed 167 million God-Bless-America dollars and received a steady 25% on RottenTomatoes. The leading pair were known to have no chemistry, and supposedly the book author had a total stranglehold on production. It was incidentally nominated for an actual, honest-to-god Academy Award. This should have been great! I love pig slop that’s easy to point and laugh at- that’s why I’m here. Plus, I’d already read the books. And by ‘read the books,’ I mean ‘floated in a pool listening to the audiobook.’ Really, who has time to read actual books nowadays? Not this mess of a human being, that’s for sure.

So here I am, taking deep breaths and readying my brain for the onslaught. These next couple hours surely won’t be intellectually stimulating, but they might at least be pleasantly bad. And hey! I hear people get naked!

A Christmas Story - In Which Chris Loses All Readers We've Gained in 2016






A Christmas Story

Directed by: Bob Clark

Starring: no one of consequence

Writers: Jean Shepherd, Leigh Brown, Bob Clark

Do I hafta?: Yeah, you hafta.

Suicide Squad - It's Guardians of the Galaxy, But Not the Good Kind Like You Want

We've got it. The worst of the worst.

More like the Dirty Doesn't. My column: 

Fantastic Four (Percent Rotten)



Fantastic Four
Directed by: Josh Trank 
Starring: Miles Teller, Michael B. Jordan, Kate Mara, Jamie Bell, Toby Kebbell
Release Date: August 7, 2015
Run Time: Approximately 900 minutes



I don't know if you guys heard any of the buzz, but apparently a lot of people dislike this movie.